You & I - 17. Chapter 17

To Sherlock,

Phew… that's great to hear, I hate putting off your messages when I know I receive them. It makes me feel like I am letting you down even if I am super busy.

Yet, while I plan to get back to your letters, it appears to me every time I do, it is like half a century. Therefore, if I take longer to get a response from, don't sweat it, I just have a lot of my plate.

How did the dentist get on? I avoid the dentist at all costs if I can help it. I loathe getting injuries in sports in case my teeth start bleeding or something. Except, I guess I can't complain if I have a nice set of teeth due to the visits.

Anytime I envision dentistry, I always picture an unhinged man pulling out my teeth with pliers and suturing them to another person's gum line with fish wire, and my pearly whites dangling down into a toothless mouth.

Yep… let's scratch such a thought that is the number one reason I avoid those clinics. Plus, to make matters worse, I can imagine a deranged woman is supporting his sickness lol. I think that is the reason I don't eat a lot of sweet stuff, and as to why I brush my teeth three or four times a day. I know it's probably weird, but I bring my toothbrush to school. I know... I need to stop lol.

Nathan Briar plays a safety defense in football. Typically, Nathan is extra cautious about his appearance and how his actions are perceived. I could not help but laugh out loud to his blunder. I don't talk all that much to the guy, just Nathan is cool enough to have a conversation with in the moment.

After the indecent, Nathan did not get all pissy and shit. The guy laughed it off. Somehow, his self-ridicule was extra amusing more so than the combustion happening in the lab.

Honestly, I have no clue what we were supposed to be doing, other than the point the teacher made after the big ordeal. Except, yes, I had a crazy, bizarre day. I surmise you're right, it's not cool watching people get hurt but then again, I guess I don't care as long as it doesn't come back to hurt me.

I'm not trying to be insensitive here, but I don't see why I should concern myself worrying about other people considering it's not going to get me anywhere in the long run. If they are my immediate family or friends then, of course, I will care, but if it directly confronts me in my everyday life then, of course, I'll have to deal with it.

I assume you find the statement amusing, considering I have no guts to stand up to my dad for bullying me or to the guys on the team. I reckon the word brave does not apply to me. I pretend to be somebody else when I am not feeling myself.

I can't explain it; except, it draws attention from people, and I think that is the answer to the question. I am trading the real me for recognition.

Yet, I have gotten used to being in the limelight, I can no longer understand why I continue to act. I think I have forgotten how to stop.

Oddly enough, the caretaker and I had a run-in today, again. Except, it was not after hours. Around lunch, I bumped into the guy while on my way to the cafeteria.

The dude pulled me aside and asked to speak to me. Here I am thinking, what did I do now? Though, the man appeared to be overly friendly today.

Anyway, the caretaker directed me toward a wall in the corridor, so the two of us would not add to the congested traffic heading for the cafeteria. The man apologized to me about our run-in; he said he was very sorry for being crabby with me.

The other thing is the man appeared to be genuine. I did not know how to handle the odd encounter. So, I told him it wasn't a big deal. I legitimately shook hands with the caretaker and went on my way.

I have been pondering the moment most of the afternoon: trying to evaluate what it means. Only, anytime I try to arrive at a conclusion, the idea has already bounced ahead.

I currently have a free class, and I am writing a letter at the back of a free class since the teacher is in a meeting. Thank God for no substitutes… and always when there is no teacher to direct the class, nobody dares go to the office to report that a supervisor has not shown up.

I wonder if it is alright to take letters home for the weekend, and pen them there and return the messages on Monday. Almost every Friday I have trouble getting around to replying back to you; it's something I want to do, just I have other obligations of a Friday afternoon. I think I'm going to ask my teacher if I can take my Friday letters home with me so that I can still write to you. Not every day is going to be as handy as today is. Typically, when I sit down to compose another note... class is out, and the teachers want me to leave. I know it's a funny thought. Most people, when they reach the end of the week, all flow out the doors from school and work. However, I… I choose to stay on because you're like the only one I can be honest to… and I don't want to miss the opportunity to tell you about my day… or hear about yours.

I get headaches when I am under pressure, so maybe you are stressed. Possibly take some time off and recuperate. You can rest for both of us.

Indeed, living in your head is not good. At times I do feel like I'm the only one who understands all my problems, and I have never met anybody else who seems to have the same profound effect as you do. It's like so easy to talk about pretty much anything… I don't even know you. I mean, I know who you are as a person.

Well, I'm getting a real gist of the type of person you are. When you overthink, does your head feel like it's melting from the inside out? Yet, at the same time, there is like this peculiar pressure pressing down on the top of your head.

I get those too… my mom once said its tension, not sure what that means, but I haven't got a lot to be tense about.

Can you be tense without having anything to be anxious about? However, I've never had a headache that's been so bad that it hurts my eyes, maybe you should get checked by the nurse or go to a doctor. My cousin wears glasses… and sometimes when she doesn't put her glasses on while watching tv or reading, she gets terrible headaches. I'm presuming you don't wear glasses, maybe it could be to do it your eyesight. I'm no doctor, of course, I'm just offering another opinion.

I just remembered it considering you said you have headaches and, well my cousin gets headaches when she doesn't wear glasses.

Fixation on a particular subject I can relate to. After all, my entire life revolves around sports and making my dad happy. Therefore, trying to make everyone happy is my fixation. I can't say I get headaches from being overly obsessed with a specific subject. I tend to feel very toxic. Sometimes when I am under pressure, I get very grumpy, and my chest feels tighter. It's almost as if somebody is winding a rope around my chest, and every time a revolution is complete, they pull it tighter to the point it feels like my insides are being squished together. I haven't told anybody about that particular sensation, but I have googled it a couple of times, and anytime I search about it in various forms, my diagnosis appears to be anxiety. It's not a pleasant feeling, I always feel stressed and undervalued, but still I carry on, not that I am sad or anything, but it would be nice to be able to wake up in the morning and not feel a pent-up awareness that I will have to face my father at the breakfast counter before school.

Is it possible to get trapped by something you inherently like? I have heard about people who get so caught up in what it is they are doing they forget about people who often matter the most. Is that how some people become workaholics and forget about family? Is it them just caught up in a responsibility that they are obligated to complete their tasks by home time, and family comes last.

Okay, here's the condition, science is not my thing. I have never been good at it. I tend not to waste any time trying to better myself with that particular subject in school, I don't see the point. I have tried in the past, but it just doesn't seem to work, I can't wrap my head around certain things… Or most things.

Yeah, talking about water is the sub-par for a boring conversation if you ask me. Sorry, it's just that is what I'd expect a stereotypical geeky, nerdy guy from the 1980s to start talking about. Not that you are nerdy or geeky, but my suspicions are that you are, not that anything is wrong with it.

God, this sounds pathetic… don't it. I'm trying to make a statement while being pessimistic and both optimistic. I guess I am a go with the flow sort of guy. I don't believe patience has anything to do with getting ahead.

On the contrary, I have to say that not having some patience has always worked out in my books. People are still out saying things will come to those people who wait… the perception is wrong… Nothing will come to you if you abide with time. The past is there to haunt you… but waiting won't bring you anywhere. So, if you want something you have to go after it.

No offense, but who wants to talk about depressing stuff all day? It's a lot easier to ask about the weather than it is to debate why you think Donald Trump is in the White House. Topics like the weather, sports, and movies are always a lot easier to approach than serious problems. The world is littered with enough hard-core shit, that people just want to escape. No wonder books, movies, and video games are some of the best forms of escapism. They are simplistic since many can use it. Folks just like an uncomplicated escape; the pressures of reality do clog up from time to time. I understand what you mean by not wanting to chat about stuff that is not as engaging; though trust me on this.

If you're going to make some half-decent friends, you have to be willing to compromise and talk about other things that are not science. Whenever I'm with my friends; I speak about whatever it is they want to talk about, and on occasion, I inject some material I want them to hear.

To be honest with you I have never played Dungeons & Dragons, it's not my thing. Not that I would be unwilling to learn how to play, but have you ever thought that some people may not like board games.

Perhaps a person you want to get to know is an outdoorsy person. How would that make you feel if you're an outdoorsy person? Plus, I’ll make sure to remember if I see a person mumbling to themselves along the corridors knowing that it is you.

I never said you were terrible… not at all. I presume that you didn't go around trying to cause trouble, I was just kidding before. So, does that mean you're calling me mundane? Except, if you can make that explosive diarrhea work, then I want in. The only question is what teacher do we target?

When you said that you may be in trouble, I picture you hanging upside down in the Penguins lair in the bowels of Gotham city. No offense it gave me a chuckle, however where the thing gets weird is when I showed up in a Catwoman outfit to save you, we both got strung up. I have no idea why..., the scenario is pretty amusing if I must say so.

Is that how you describe yourself... Goody-goody shoes? I hold my hands up and say I'm not a problem child. I have had my fair share of detentions, and I have been written up for misconduct, some vandalism, and profanity. Oh, and truancy, well that's what the principal calls it. Why can't she just call it what everybody else calls it… It's ditching.

The way you mention your academic life always makes you sound like you are this unbelievable sensational person. I try to be everybody's friend in school, and I'm a lot noisier when I'm not at home. I think I suppress myself the moment I put the key in the front door of my house, knowing that dad might be around.

If you are using the carbon footprint statement as a way to describe your existence, then I assume I have a similar situation. Often I feel like my skin is scaffolding, and inside its hollow. The only time I act out is when I'm trying to impress people or get them to notice me. It's not every day I go out of my way to try and make people like me, but when I do, I end up going the extra mile. At certain points in my life, it has got me into trouble, I have a habit of not thinking before I do something.

For a moment there, I was going to ask what your lab partners name was. Except, I remembered that we are not supposed to give our names even though I probably gave you my name by accident… I'm not sure.

Is it weird that for once that if I were to do science, I'd like to have you as my partner? I know I said before I'm not interested in it all that much; except, sometimes I just want to learn. I know it makes me sound stupid, though I feel dumb. So, I suppose the best way I can try to make up for that is to be willing to listen, to try and understand.

Only, when my best friend sits beside me for science, I can't concentrate. My friend is always talking, and half the time, I miss what the teachers are doing. If I had the chance to be your science partner, I say that would be pretty cool. You'd probably tell me to shut up if I start talking, and just to focus.

Whereas that would be a great thing, I think. At least in some way, I'd be trying to learn. It's funny how both of us have two completely different perspectives on the same situation. When you say that you wish something could change, I seem to want what you have. Also, when you declare that you want things to change, it seems to appear in my life.

Do you think it's fate that the two of us have been assigned to one another? Do you think it's a chance that I just pulled your number out of a container? Honestly, I think the both of us were paired up for a reason, it’s comforting... you know. Maybe in the future, we can consider switching lives for the day.

Ms. Byrne is a nice teacher, though I don't think she has the finesse as you have stated… whatever that word means. Personally, I reckon I'd rather a teacher from our school to take the position, instead of a new arrival. You never know what an outside party might be like. They could be disastrous for our school, could even make life hell for everyone within the building. Well yeah, most teachers when they advance up the ladder, they are going to have to act more professional.

Though it's not just teachers, the more promotions you get theoretically it means you have to work more professional, rigid and un-fun. Perhaps it's a technique applied to be able to demand respect or attention from an entire faculty and a body of students. The stress I can believe would be crippling.

As a way to enforce some form of mutual respect, the principle must apply this airy demeanor so that people do not take advantage of their generosity while in a leading position. I've never thought about an achievement like this; I figure it is true, we rip out contents of value to believe we are better or cured.

If there is a vote for being the president or you know… the guy who runs everything for the club I vote you. I know you'd do an excellent job at it. Do you have anything specifically you want to do? There is no point in applying for or getting nominated if it is something you do not care about. Maybe there will be a meeting where everyone will sit down and discuss what has to happen, but as you said early days… eh.

Is it your first time to work with people like this? I'm not sure if you sound happy or slightly terrified… perhaps a mix of both? Just maybe pooling your efforts with a team will be beneficial, it will take you outside the comfort zone you have built concrete prison walls around.

I know the characteristics, it is weird to be proud of getting a position, but you are undecided personally as to whether you want to keep the job or not. Straying away from what you are comfortable with is a sure way to note that you are growing up… at least that’s what our health teacher says.

I do know what it feels like to sit in the reception area for hours. Worst of all is having to wait during lunch to see the vice principal when she is too busy snacking away on her meal. Since when does the world stop? It's ironic I am punished, and can't have my lunch, but she can have hers. I wouldn't say I'm a bad guy. Though, I do occasionally stir up some trouble. I guess that is a milestone for you to be able to tell you've met the vice principal for your behavior. The first time I saw the vice principal I was not rattling, I confess I was a little nervous… just a little… but that's between you and me okay.

I think I am a little sad now that you pointed it out more clearly. I don't like being mistreated, but evidently, it always appears to work out this way. And no, I don't tend to open up about my feelings much to anybody… On the contrary, you are one of the first people I've ever told. Actually, you are the only one. Thanks, man, it's good to know you have my back. Likewise, if you ever want to give the old shit a whirl to get it out of your system, I don't have a doctorate in psychology, but I'll listen.

Mom is cool and all, after all, I love her, she's my mom. Except, as much as the woman goes out of her way to help me sometimes, it appears like our relationship lacks something. I don't know how to explain it; however, I don't know how I would be able to open up to my mother. I guess she is too preoccupied with other things for me to be able to sit down and cry figuratively. I'm not saying that she would turn me away, I believe she will listen, but again, I imagine it is something I'm not all that comfortable with.

I don't like causing problems for people. It is one reason why I don't go out of my way looking for help so that it doesn't wind up creating further difficulties for people. I reckon me talking about peer pressure with the team would go in one ear and out the other. Little pep talks don't matter when you're on the field, the only thing you want to do is win.

Nobody on the team will be willing to have a talk when you're running purely on adrenaline. I can even say that the coach would have a face on him if I mentioned that in the locker room. Boys are not supposed to have problems, that is why we are supposed to clear them up as quickly and as effectively as possible, and man up about it. Thanks, you're an awesome guy too.

It's okay you don't have to go out of your way to talk to counselors or whatever. I have a good feeling knowing that you're going to do it regardless of whether I ask you to or not. Therefore, fire away. I am beginning to value your advice, it's like you're a master at what to do next. How do I explain it? It's like you give me inspiration or motivation to create a new image of myself. Whenever you try to cheer me up you, you give me this warm feeling… I know… don't mention this to anybody else because it looks wrong when I write it. However, I've come to love talking to you. As I said you have my permission if you want to ask around on behalf of me but, yeah perhaps I should get into the habit of not sharing some sappy feelings with you. Only, I cannot help it, you are so easy to talk to.

Unfortunately for me, I seem to be in everybody's business. Perhaps I shouldn't have said that, but maybe that does go to show that I am in a position where people know me more often than not. On occasion, I feel flooded with the amount of attention I receive, and sometimes I forget there are people outside of all the adoration.

Meeting you has been awesome, I think for the fact that you are from a completely different background than I, has made it all worthwhile for the inconvenience. I'm not saying having to do this was an inconvenience, I'm just saying if it weren't for the hiccup at the beginning, then I would have never gotten the chance to become friends.

I think in the way of all the screw-ups I have made in the past, and all the things I failed to do, this is one thing I can say from the bottom of my heart I am proud I have done, even if at the start I wasn't all that proud, to begin with.

Justin Blake is a likable guy; I doubt him being feminine would matter much. It's funny how you notice things when you take the time to observe them. That is if you are looking for what it is you are looking for. Many people will bypass ordinary things they see in a day without a second thought.

However, I noticed the little pieces, how his hands' gesture when he talks, how his eyelashes fluttered when he is nervous, how Justin scrunches up his face and crinkles his nose… everybody has a different coping mechanism. When you take the time to figure it out, you can talk to pretty much anyone when you solve it. It gives you another bargaining chip to have a conversation with. I think I've known Justin has been gay since the third or fourth-grade… I know that is a long time to be sure of his sexual preference, but when a kid goes around that flamboyant, I'm not exactly sure how you can miss it.

Plus, the kid talks about musicals all the time. Furthermore, it is plastered everywhere; on his social media platforms, school locker, his books. Everywhere. It's not hard to take a second guess at what it is he loves when he so freely places all of his interests in one basket. At first, I was nervous about approaching him to talk I mean, nobody in my position speaks about Glee or Broadway. Someone could get the wrong impression.

After a while, it will regularly wear you down. I can wake up every morning and play sports, but sometimes it just doesn't fulfil me. Every now and then you have to take a step back from what it is you like to evaluate where it is you want to go next with your hobby. When you spend too much time with your head up in the clouds. When it is time to descend, you are dazed and confused. All you have known while you're up there is the suffocating anxiety of wanting to come down. Seems like you have the right idea to step away occasionally. I have a hard time doing that. If I woke up in the morning and I did not have sports, I don't think I'd have anything to get out of bed for. I know that seems hard or maybe hash coming from me, whereas you would say I have everything I could possibly want, but sometimes I use sports as a distraction more than anything else.

You are right about rushing into choice after choice without pre-examining the judgment. I have plenty of uneducated decisions on my plate. Some I am proud of, and others I have just come to accept as if to say, ‘oh well… it's not what I was looking for, but I'll settle for less.' One reason as to why people might not take the time to evaluate a decision is because the world is moving so fast. It's scary to slow down. Possibly people are afraid that if they stop in the ever-growing merry-go-round, they'll lose the pace and never be able to retain it.

I can't say my introduction to Justin Blake wasn't one of my most valued achievements. Only, it worked, didn't it. I found an extended solution to an otherwise easy resolution when all along I could have just walked up to him and asked for the favor, but that's me I take the long route… scenic route. Glee is like your whole life is a musical, and if your life were a musical, it would be called Glee.

One reason I suppose I watched it was because it seemed so happy; I guess that's one thing about gay people… no matter the amount of crap that gets hurled at them, they pick themselves up: dust themselves off and keep on smiling, proud, determined that they have a place in this world. Me, however, I'm not so sure, I just never know how one can be that happy, yet be repressed. Maybe it's the hope… Yeah, hope.

I understand, no trouble. I know some people prefer to be on their own. I assume I'd go crazy if nobody talks to me tomorrow. It would be a weird dreamlike sequence where I'd wake up, and everybody is alienated toward me.

I assume I've gotten used to always having someone there, the attention, and if that were to disappear, I wouldn't even know where to start rebuilding. I have many companions in school; only I have two friends outside who I trust with anything. It may not be much more than what you possess, but one friend makes all the difference.

It's funny how I'm surrounded by hundreds of people daily. Yet when it comes down to the crunch, I only trust two. Therefore, having one friend is better than having no friend. Right friend?

I know it's going to be crazy for you when you start doing what it is you're doing, and I hope you don't forget about me in the process. I pray you don't get too busy that you won't find the time to talk to me. I'm glad I have been able to give you some confidence. I suppose, and in a weird way, you've made me feel better about myself. Do meet all the people you can… Life is for reaching out to as many people as you can and experience the wicked wild journey. Now I sound like some modern Indie who has yokel tendencies from Alabama. Plus, a side note I crawl out of bed every morning too… school is meh.

Yes, okay dude we are past it. Honestly, sure. I am disappointed when he doesn't turn up. If he did, I don't know what I'd do. In a way, I guess it would be oddly satisfying. Knowing that my dad would be in the stands, of course, I'd play harder. I'll give it my all, and somewhere down deep inside of me, I will know that it will not be enough for my father. My dad is one of those guys, yet, I can't help but not try to be something in his eyes. I know it's foolish, I know I can't be helped or stopped. It's the only thing I know how to do, so I have to keep trying. As long as it takes… Right?

When I started lacrosse and basketball, there was nothing else in the world that could amount to the joy I felt and the escape of getting away from my everyday mundane life. It fixed me for a little while. I enjoyed doing sports every Tuesday and Thursday. I'd even go as far as to say, I was glad I was picked for the matches on the weekends. When I won them, I haven't got the words to explain how pleased I was.

Except, after a while, the novelty wore off. I wasn't getting the attention of the one person who mattered most to me. Soon sports became just an escape, but not so much an exciting adventure anymore. I just do it now so I can get out of the house, and sometimes I return feeling like my head has been cleared or weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

A game on the field gave me clarity, I didn't know I could possess. After a while, it faded out, and the lack of emotion I was experiencing turned to an anxious rage. I became a horrible person that nobody really liked on the field. Certified, I was a lot cockier and obnoxious, so much so other teams hated facing me. It got to the point my own team began to resent having me.

After a while I stopped being angry, people started to like me again, but I felt like something was missing. I still feel like something is absent. I did everything I possibly could just to make my dad see me, yet he never does. Dad always sees Jordan, and for a while, I hated my brother. I hated him, my own brother.

That was until I met you, and things started to get a little better. It's like you flicked a switch inside my head, and I chose not to want to hate Jordan anymore.

I'm trying to fix all the mistakes that I've done in the past, and it's hard, you know. Going to the top is what everybody wants to do, but you should try it just so you know how it feels. Before I started out with anything, I'd give just to be able to walk down the street or the corridors in school when nobody knew me. Being popular is not worth all the hysteria and aggravation. I feel trapped like I am molded into a specific image for people, and when I try to change people don't like it. All they see is this talented guy who has a lot going for him when all I crave to be is the friendly guy in the corner who doesn't hate his little brother.

I've been a real shitbag to some people who have been there for me, and all I have done for them is walk all over their generosity. I guess, when I woke up from my impermeable slumber, I realized I am not a nice person anymore. You know I don't want to be that person anymore. I just want to be… like you.

Man… you have got me on the verge of crying here but don't you ever tell anybody this; could ruin my rep. Though when we finish up with this assignment… please meet me… you know so I can thank you. I'll buy you a Coca-Cola or milkshake or hell a science beaker if that's what you so desperately want. I reckon I have lost what matters to me just because someone else is putting a damper on my dream. I shouldn't let their cloud put out the fire. I want to be able to wake up in the morning, and say I'm happy to be here… I don't have pockets of happiness like you described it when waking up happy; to love and feel loved. Though if an inkling of it were there, it ought to be enough.

I guess if you find my family fun, and I find your family captivating then I think we are both polar opposites. We do get on well, though. It goes to show that you don't have to have a lot in common to become friends with someone. If anything, maybe it's more of a benefit. With the two of us not knowing anything about each other or the past times we keep, it is all that more intriguing to learn something different.

Your mom sounds like the kind of woman I'd like to meet. She seems funny, and if it's any correlation, maybe she is a lot like you. If your mom is somewhat like you, then I guarantee I'd like her, just like how I've come to like you. At least your mom and dad see you; my mom is too busy with her magazines, and my dad… well, you know the drill.

I've heard that before; television rotting kids brains like termites. I don't think it is just that either. Your statement has some reasoning behind it. It seems that the medium is distracting, and I suppose that is the only reason why people use that metaphor. Why else would you want to do anything else if you're distracted by television... because it's easy?

The reason it is an easy distraction is that whatever you see on tv is simplified… whereas in a book or a puzzle… it's not as simple. There is a whole turn of events that you need to wrap your head around. Not that I read many books, but sometimes if I do try, I always find it weird when the author of the book is trying to talk to me as if they know me. I guess that’s just style though. Screw tv and books… actually, Spotify is life.

The thing is I do view Jordan negatively when it comes to favoritism. As I said, I'm trying to be a better person. So, I have been gradually trying to make it up to my little brother. I know nothing will come of it… being nasty, but it's not like I have been ill-treating him. I've always approached Jordan reasonably.

It's just sometimes it's hard to do that when you have this little voice in the back of your head saying he's the favorite one. It's tough to ignore the sound and carry on as if nothing's the matter.

I don't think Jordan understands what dad and I are going through. In a sense, I feel sorry for Jordan, he is the odd man out. My little bro is in the middle of the crossfire, and Jordan can't help it. I guess your statement about being the chosen one is in its way a hard position to be in.

At the same time, I consider my situation is just as tricky if you're one of the most liked kids in town, and the relationship with your parent and sibling is affected. My family is all I have, and I feel guilty for having the thoughts I sometimes have. When I was younger, there were times when I wished they weren't my family. In the past, I wanted to be taken in by a new collection of people, just to be treated fairly or loved. Is that a crime?

I presume my case doesn't just sit with my family. I assume many others experience the same problem. In a way, it is comforting to know I'm not alone. Unfortunately, what makes it even harder is the point in which Jordan tries extraordinarily hard to look up to me. It seems Jordan is asking for validation, and I guess I have never given him much. Perhaps I should learn to do it to make him happy for once.

Cool, that sounds pretty awesome. Does that mean your dad plays video games with you? If your old man has knowledge of how to fix a computer, surely, he can handle a console? At first, I didn't notice your statement about my dad. It stung a little, but hell… I'm used to it.

I know right it's scandalous, cheesecake and vanilla Oreo are yuck. However, I think I'm coming around to your way of thinking with the Hershey's chocolate, it's the best thing I've ever tasted. I got you there… You probably thought I was going to agree with you, but Hershey's chocolate is the worst thing ever.

Not to mention you do sound like you are the type to want exceptional quality goods. And no, I'm not saying Johnny Rockets is better than my mother's cooking. Everybody knows mom's food is the best. I don't know why I haven't thought of that, thanks for putting the idea in my head, I'll get a blender so I can make ice cream. If we ever meet one day, we so got to do this. Netflix, ice cream, and a comforter.

Who said I'm a natural pioneer, I'm terrible at directions. Leave me in charge of navigating in a car, and we'd end up in Los Angeles instead of New York. The good thing is though since the building is historical, it has to be on the web.

You can give me the coordinates, but I'm already going to say I found it. Possibly it's the same place, perhaps not let's see if I'm right… anyway, I hope I am correct, I'll be going there tomorrow.

I guess in a way I'm extending an invitation if you want to come along… I know we're not supposed to meet before the project is finished. Except they didn't precisely specify where you could and could not attend.

If you want to meet tomorrow, I can join you outside the front entrance to the building if it is inherently right. That would be so awkward if I got the thing wrong and you just stood outside waiting for me. I can imagine it would be a funny prospect… You'd be standing at one building, and me waiting at another. Remember, I am not forcing you to meet me, but it would be nice to figure out who I'm chatting with.

Our letters continue to grow lengthy. I am half figuring whether I should cut this letter into two portions, but then I'd have to wait to tell you the rest, so I just keep going.

Superhero movies have always been full of innuendos. Except, now it is more universal. It is amusing to see a guy in tight yoga pants prancing across the screen, getting the shit knocked out of him. Deadpool is pretty good… I guess that fits the bill.

Naturally, Ryan Reynolds is funny, so I don't see why not… milk it for all it's worth. I don't think it's just Netflix, however, pumping out in 80s vibe. I think people are just getting a little vintage. The other day I saw a girl wearing this old faded looking retro Adidas jacket. The thing looked older than my mom… but the weird thing about it was it seemed pretty good if I must say so.

Curiosity I think is what starts most adventures. It's like a ping going off in your brain when you find out you can be profitable from an idea you'll enjoy that's when things start to become business.

Nobody wants to wait in line, so naturally, everybody wants to cut in front. All money begins with a proposition, that's when the real human element of monopoly comes into play.

I think I know the voice you are describing. The "what if" sound always seems to want me to explore an idea or examine another part of me that I never knew was there, but yet at the same time, I'm afraid of taking that step.

I reckon many people are like "what if…"

What if I possessed this life or their life? Or if I did this instead of that. It is sad a lot of people don't see through this element. So many settle for less, and we try to comfort ourselves with another alternative means for the more significant measures we wish we could've had.

From now on, I think I'm going to follow the "what if voice…" since I have met you, I have been only supporting it, and I feel a lot better. I am even happier and more together. I guarantee if I told my friends, they'd probably say, "what the hell are you smoking.”

Except, if I ever have kids one day I'll try to teach them to follow the voice so many do not listen to. Many people I think are given the motivation, but they don't act on it straight away. Folks let it brew and fester. You'll never reach your potential if you never try or follow the encouraging voice in your head. It's nice to know that I'm not the only one who has it, the only question I have is what does everyone's voice sound like. To me, my voice whispers like a man in his mid-thirties. At the heart of it, the guy craves understanding, and perhaps the person is a little naïve.

What does your voice appear like… not your actual voice, but you know… the sound everybody subconsciously hears inside their head? I guess the noise can be anybody or anything you want it to be… So who is yours?

I think we need above all is to reestablish some form of originality to bring back the novelty value. We have forgotten what is meaningful and honest, and in a way, we have marginalized ourselves for the sake of comfort. Except, the word comfort I'm assuming will mean something different to everybody. The example is which is the right comfort, and what is wrong.

Of course, I heard you cuss, you can't wiggle out of this situation so easily… I'm joking. I presume I am turning into a mini-you. Don't get your hopes up just yet. You might set yourself up for disappointment, but if you stick with me, I'll get you to the path of treachery lol. I guess I'm having a bad influence on you then if you are using profanity. And there it goes, why would I ever use the word profanity… Shit, I just said it again didn't I? Is this how it might work by the end of our letters? Me becoming you; and you- me?

Alaska… check, check, check, check… I'm building my log cabin there or perhaps somewhere far from civilization in Canada. I'm sure you will get the chance to travel after you leave school. Neither have I been to Alaska so, you can count me in, I'm there. Just let me know so I can start saving. I reckon it will be disastrously expensive. Traveling in pairs is always a richer experience than doing it solo. Just had a weird reminder when Yolo was a thing… sorry I couldn't help it.

Yeah, Barren… I guess your words are rubbing off on me. Let's get one thing clear. I don't have everything figured out, but I do have ideas of where I wish to go.

For one, I don't want a scholarship to do with sports. I want to study music… that is a lot harder and weirder to say than I care to admit. Legitimately, my heart is feeling all weird and crazy in my chest right now.

Yeah, dad and I were close when I was younger, we both know how the relationship turned out. I have heard when a new baby is brought into the house, parents’ attention is typically turned to the youngest child. I don't or never expected any more or less. Only, Jordan is old enough now so it would be nice if my folks separated that love and attention.

You know what? It's handy having you around. I never thought of asking my dad to watch westerns with me, perhaps I'll work up to it, so thanks.

Instead of sitting here day after day regurgitating crap that we'll never use, why don't we try and fight for change. You know like to ask for more freedom within the school structure… like we can still have basics like learning how to read and write, not forgetting math.

However, wouldn't it be nice to be able to grow and develop skills we are naturally attuned to, rather than trying to improve skills we’ll never be good at? That's like telling a person who is good at carpentry to design project runway apparel… or even making a video game from scratch.

The world is overpopulated, there is no room for individuality anymore every position has been filled, every idea thought, practically everything built.

I'm scared of the way the world is heading. I mean it looks pretty awesome in video games and movies, you know the futuristic prospect, where cars are flying or not. You get the drill, how everything is nearly animatronic, though people will have no jobs.

Everything is done by machine. We have reached the point where we have created something far more fundamentally superior than us. Perhaps we've gotten too intelligent, people would probably say there's no such thing as being too clever, but when you have many minds working to this dream, things are going to start changing pretty fast, and not all for the better.

I reckon what you say is true, we teach humans how to behave. It's ironic how our own system is also the same system that corrupts everything. This is probably going to sound poetic as well but is man supposed to be confined or are we supposed to be able to roam free. I guess if our population were much smaller, we wouldn't have to resort to such a system. However, we have been brainwashed to a certain degree without even realizing it. What you say is true when you really think about it. Many people will put it down to beliefs or self-interests.

Except, many people don't seem to understand that they are a cog in a machine, and that's a scary thought. I am a cog in the engine, and so are you, the teachers, my dad, everybody. Do you think the men and woman who are unintentionally brainwashing would change their ways if they knew what it is they are doing? Somehow, I think we have evolved so much that if we tried to switch direction, it would mean the end for us. I presume it's one of those things that you have to wait until the collapse is upon us finally to find out how much we screw things up.

For as long as I can remember, every history book claims the same thing; they always want the best for the people, when the people are the problem.

Nobody goes out of their way to cause trouble for a particular reason, not even for the sake of war. They want what's best for the people, and ordinary folks don't matter much when you can have the best of the people.

I never gave much thought into what it is I want to be when I grow up, I mean I've thought a little about doing architecture. Though that was before I sure... you know Pre-K crap. Music is my dream now, I know I'd be safer doing architecture. Only the world needs more farmers... Not musicians... though I can be both.

If you focus on the unnecessary, that is what makes the average person. What defines great men and women, is they didn't pursue the useless. Those folks never even flinch thinking about working a dead-end job; they took the plunge and went for the kill. The people worked hard and tirelessly on what it is they wanted, and even if it's not the most direct route for most, it pays off after a while, even if it takes years.

A dead-end job has no place for people with a plan, I don't think you can put experience on paper, but in the modern world, it seems to be the case that you can put expertise down on paper. I surmise there is an irrationality to this concept, as we can learn anything we put our mind to, given a chance to learn something anybody can do it. I never knew you needed a degree in brewing coffee to just become a barista. And yes, that was a joke hardy-har-har.

* * *

My knee is still a bit banged up but, I'll get over it now I think. I don't exactly want to know what's inside my leg, I am already squeamish when it comes to horror movies. Though I have heard about kneecap disintegration with athletes. I hope that's not the case with me, I'd like to be able to play for a lot longer. I am getting my leg checked out, so I'll get back to you on that when it is done. The good news is; however, I didn't have to wear a strap today, so I guess things are looking up for me.

People who lose the power of their legs are brave, I don't know how I will be able to manage if that happened to me. There are still so many places I'd like to see and explore. To actually be able to climb the side of the hill I'm traveling, there are just no words for that feeling. There is a sentiment that comes along with it announcing that you have done it, and I think those words have never been created yet.

Playing lacrosse with a strap is not too bad, I've gotten used to it, so it's no sweat. I'm hoping that the swelling goes down before another game night. However, I have the unsavory luck of being able to heal just in the nick of time before I actually have to play. When all along, I am worrying about whether or not I will be able to play the day before. Yet, when I get the all-clear, I can't sum up the sensations my body feels when I hear those words, "You Can Play."

So, you have a low chill type of voice, I've gone through the full voice breaking procedure then. I know people get it at certain times; my cousin had a squeaky voice for almost a year and ½, I always find it funny because he sounded quite mature, but had a squeaky voice of a 12-year-old. The worst part was he was nearly 16.

I presume I am a master at burning people now… okay, that came off sounding a lot more sinister than I initially intended.

What I mean is, I'm good at coming up with quick one-liners that are sarcastically pleasing. And ain't that the truth, a dollar for every time our grandparents tried to tell us that we are an ungrateful or a degenerate generation, I'd be able to fill an empty swimming pool.

Legitimately when we meet someday, you have to show me this pocketbook with all these quotes. Perhaps, I'll be able to steal a few if that's not too cheeky to ask. I reckon both of us are similar to each other in more ways than one. I have to say I do learn some insults from the web too, so, that in the hopes someone will piss me off, I will be able to repeat what I learned. Now that is a good use of study time.

No, I don't believe I’d take the limelight away from my little brother, that's a horrible and selfish thing to do. I can't say I'd leave my little brother exposed out in the open like a lamb to a slaughter. If Jordan did something wrong. Even though I'm having mixed feelings about Jordan, I'd still be there for him if he wanted me to be there that is.

I wouldn't say Jordan has been given a silver spoon, but he does have things slightly more comfortable than I. I don't believe he has to try as hard to please people because he doesn't have anything to hold or maintain.

Jordan is just a kid who plays sports on the weekdays and hangs out with his friends on the weekends. For me, most of the time, I'm practicing to try and get better. Jordan doesn't have to worry, I do. Sometimes all I wish I could do is walk away and go on vacation. Except, there's the word all the adult love to use... responsibility.

I couldn't imagine doing 50 years, and not liking what it is I do. I want to be able to enjoy every moment of my time on this planet. So, even if it is the wrong move financially, I want to be able to do something that makes me happy even if I have to sacrifice other alternatives.

Though you're right, money should not be the only reason why you choose to do something. Many people do that, they presume cash is a valuable asset when it's not, it's the passion.

The thing is I'm afraid to make the jump of being the talented kid on the team, to being a lonely boy playing on a stage in front of an entire school with only a piano as my friend. Sometimes when I play, I often feel naked… not in an actual sense, but I feel exposed, vulnerable, and warm at the same time. It's like I float, as you mentioned earlier. If you do decide to meet me at the weekend, please don't let my real image put you off. I know I'm the last person on earth ever to look like I enjoy classical music. Only, the medium frees my mind, and I can't say no to the bittersweet melodies of classical.

Halloween used to be a fun time for me, I don't do it anymore. I used to go trick-or-treating with Jordan when he was little. I felt proud of leading Jordan house to house to get his candy. It was something I was good at or at least I knew I could do. For a moment, I always meant something to him. Even if the experience was immaterial to him, and the only thing on his mind was to gain candy, Jordan's company is what I appreciated.

It's like you're reliving my childhood when the family sat down and did something like a family ought to do. The only time we are all sitting in the same room as one another now is Thanksgiving… We've gotten so caught up in our own lives. We forget to share a little more of ourselves around to the ones who matter.

Acquaintances will walk in and out of your life, but the person sitting across from you at the table on Thanksgiving is not always going to be there. I remember a while back grandma used to come to our house for dinner.

Except, her chair is filled now with my uncle. In my mind, the chair my uncle sits in will always be my grandmother's. We take so little care of the ones who matter anymore for the ones who are only a blip on our compass. I should really take my little brother out on an adventure this weekend to apologize for all the years I've been shitty to him.

Even though I probably haven't been shitty. Is that weird, apologizing for something you might not have done, but have felt… like my life is one never-ending apology, and at this rate, I don't know what it is I am apologizing for.

I think I better go, I'm getting a little soft talking about my feelings, and I don't want to show my true colors. I don't like them, so why would anybody else. Plus, you can't say I didn't give you a fair hint with who I am. My real name is Max… feels weird being exposed. I am unsure if this is a good idea, although at least you know my name.

I need to go so I can feel good again.

Later,

Watson

Thank you guys for another read, as always there is more to come. Care to share your feedback, then let me know what you think   
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