Noah and Jordan - 37. Epilogue

*** NOAH ***

A loud noise wakes me up suddenly.

“Sorry, sorry, go back to sleep, I’ll be quiet,” Jordan says hovering over the bed.

“What time is it?” I ask looking for the clock.

“Five in the morning.”

“What are you doing up so early?” A lot has changed in our lives, but one thing hasn’t — Jordan never gets up this early. Usually I get up first and then I start the long process of waking up Jordan. It’s basically our daily morning routine! He had a phase, after our break up years ago, where he was getting up early. I was so happy! It didn’t last long.

“I couldn’t sleep,” Jordan replies.

“I only fell asleep a few hours ago,” I say with a yawn.

“I know. Go back to bed, we still have lots of time.”

I didn’t get that much sleep last night. That is all Jordan’s fault. We were up quite late last night. No, not because of that. It’s usually because of that. But last night we stayed up late talking. Both of us are a bit anxious, but mostly excited. Today is a big day.

“It’s okay, I’m getting up. I still have to iron my clothes, shower, and shave.”

“I’ve already taken out your clothes and ironed them.”

“You what?” I say sitting up.

“I ironed them. I put them right over there. Don’t act so surprised.”

I am surprised. This is a big deal. “In all the years we’ve been together, not once have you ever ironed my clothes.”

“I’m sure I have at least once,” he replies.

“Maybe in a dream you did once.”

“Well, you’re welcome.”

I can tell he is excited too. This is a momentous day for us. We’ve talked about it, scrutinized over every detail for months. Now the day is finally here. We’re standing at the threshold. Once we take this step our bond will be even stronger.

I get out of bed and walk over towards Jordan. He is furiously looking through a drawer trying to find something. He doesn’t even notice I’m behind him. When I wrap my arms around his torso, he jumps just a bit. I press my chest against his back.

“It’s all going to be okay, don’t worry.”

“I know,” he says placing his hand on top of mine. “It’s just ... we’ve been planning this for so long now and it’s finally happening … I just don’t want anything to go wrong. Say if I don’t —”

I cut him off. “Everything will be fine. Since when do you worry about these things? That’s my job, remember?” Jordan is always so calm. It’s sort of touching to see him so vulnerable.

“I’m not worried. I have you. I’ll be okay.”

This has been one incredible journey. It’s been filled mostly with moments of joy, but also some challenges too. I know I couldn’t have done it without Jordan. He has been my rock all these years. He never once let me fall. He was there when I graduated, and when I started my master’s degree in history. He supported me when I decided to go to teacher’s college. I still remember walking with him on my first day to work. I was extremely nervous. I didn’t know what to expect teaching history to a bunch of high school students. I was petrified that I would say something dumb, or do something stupid. But Jordan kept me calm the entire way there. He kept telling jokes, making me laugh. He told me he had faith in me, and knew I would be a fantastic teacher. It was just what I needed to hear.

At first, when I started teaching, I wasn’t sure if I should hide my sexuality from my students and the other teachers. For one, it’s not everyone’s business (straight people don’t go around proclaiming they're straight), and two, I didn’t know how it would go over with the school or parents. Eventually, if a colleague asked, I would tell them. I didn’t see a need to hide who I am. But I’ve generally been a bit more reserved with my students.

I’m proud to say I’ve also been there for Jordan, supporting him through both the wonderful and difficult times. Unfortunately, not everyone on Jordan’s volleyball team was all that supportive of him at first. He could tell some people didn’t feel comfortable around him in the locker rooms. No one said anything to his face, and Jordan said he was okay, but I know it affected him. This was his team. He poured his heart and soul into it. Then some of the other teams in the province found out about Jordan’s sexuality. That’s when things got really ugly. I was at one of his games when an opposing player started to taunt Jordan for being gay. What he said was extremely vulgar and offensive. I was furious. I wanted to beat the shit out of him. I’m positive the referee heard (I was sitting in the stands and I could hear!), but he pretended like he didn’t. As for Jordan, I thought he was going to explode. But he didn’t even flinch. He just walked away. Liam though, bless his soul, made a scene. He would not let it go. Even though it was an awful moment, what happened next was amazing. Jordan’s team rallied behind him. Even the people who were initially reluctant came to Jordan’s defence. An attack on one was seen as an attack on all. I could tell in that moment Jordan was really proud of his teammates. Was everything perfect after that? No. Far from it. There were still issues here and there. But the situation improved a fair bit.

Then a few weeks later something unexpected happened. Chris, the team captain, was expelled from school for plagiarism. Turns out, he did it a lot! Liam nominated Jordan to be the new captain. Jordan was adamant he wouldn’t win. He was sure some people on the team still weren’t too thrilled he was even there. But he did, and by a wide margin. In the end, Jordan was a remarkable captain. He mentored the younger players, really boosted everyone’s confidence and morale. I’m so glad he got the opportunity. And to think he almost didn’t because of my own insecurities. In his final year Jordan decided not to join the team because of school. He wanted to focus all of his attention on getting into medical school. He did still practice with them. He stayed on more in a mentorship role.

As for the year he was captain, how did they do in the end? I’d love to say they won the provincial championship, but they didn’t. They came very close though. They lost in the semi-finals. There was one silver lining though. In the quarter-finals they were up against that team with the homophobic player. I could see the joy on Jordan’s face as his team annihilated them. The minute the whistle blew, Jordan grabbed my hand, pulled me onto the court, and planted a big kiss on my lips. It was simply electric! And a giant fuck you to everyone who gave him shit for being gay. But, of course, not everyone was happy about that moment. Someone complained about our public display of affection. The coach responded they can go fuck themselves. He pointed out that no one complained about the straight players kissing their girlfriends. Hypocrites.

That’s just one example of some of the bigotry and hate that we’ve faced as a gay couple over the years. But that said, I should point out that overall, the vast majority of people have accepted us. Being gay in this city has not really been a huge issue. Yes, there have been moments, and sometimes you have to be careful where you are, but I’ve generally never felt unwanted or unsafe. We truly are blessed to live in such a great city and a great country.

Now, as I was saying earlier, we’ve had lots to celebrate too. I was there for Jordan when he graduated. And I was also there the day he got his acceptance letter for medical school. He was too nervous to open the envelope, so he asked me. I still remember the way his eyes lit up when I screamed that he got in! I was so proud of him in that moment. And I showed him just how much as we celebrated that night. Hands down, probably some of the best sex we’ve ever had. Jordan was on fire! I honestly thought I wouldn’t be able to walk properly the next day (I was fine). The weeks leading up to that day were nerve wracking. Jordan is always so calm and collected, but I could tell he was stressed out. It was his dream to become a doctor, and he didn’t know what he would do if he didn’t get in. I’m glad we didn’t have to cross that bridge in the end.

That said, things really changed for us after that. Medical school was extremely difficult. Jordan was continuously swamped with work. Some days I barely saw the guy! And if that wasn’t bad enough, Jordan continued to work part-time! I told him to quit. I told him I’d work more (his first year of medical school, I was in teacher’s college). I started to tutor more kids at night. That year, to cut down on costs, we decided to share a two-bedroom place with Jenn. That was an interesting year, to say the least, especially because Jenn was no longer single.

The year after, when I started teaching, we were able to get a place on our own again. But during that time Jordan continued to work. I don’t blame him. Paying for a master’s degree, then teacher’s college, then medical school, has not been easy. We are in A LOT of debt! But it’s okay. Not once have we ever fought about money, which is a relief! And we both got to follow our dreams. Eventually Jordan will make a lot of money. That’s what I’m banking on! (Kidding, of course).

Now, I’d love to say it’s almost over, that Jordan is almost done. Nope. He just finished his medical program. In a few weeks he starts his residency at a nearby hospital. He also wants to specialize in paediatrics, so that will add on a few more years. Even though he won’t be making much, at least now he will have an income. That will help. I was also waiting for this moment before I returned to school. Because I’m an idiot I’ve decided to go back part-time to start working on my PhD. So yeah, it’s not over yet for either of us!

“Where is Jenn?” I ask Jordan as we wait by the door. Evan, our loyal companion, is sitting beside us. He thinks he’s coming too. Not today, buddy.

“She texted me. As usual, she’s running late. She’ll be here in a few minutes.”

Then there is Jenn. She hasn’t changed a bit. Not one bit. I’m not surprised she’s running late. After she graduated, she took a year off, then went back to school as well to get her master’s degree in journalism (she now works as a reporter). That was the year we all lived together. Why was it interesting? Well, for one it is Jenn. I have to say though that she always respected our privacy. At first, I was wary of having sex with Jordan when she was at home, but I got over that pretty quickly! I can’t share a bed with Jordan and not fool around with him. It’s practically impossible! Besides, Jenn started dating too soon after. At first, I think they were going to try to hide it from us. A claim they vehemently deny. But I don’t buy it. All four of us were hanging out at our place one night. Jordan and I were both exhausted so we went to bed early. The next day I got up earlier than usual. I was hungry, so decided to make myself some tea. And who do I see exit Jenn’s bedroom? A very shirtless Aiden followed by Jenn (in the heat of the moment the other night he forgot his shirt in the family room). They both froze when they saw me. I broke into a smile (I bet Jordan the two would hook up within the first month, and I was right). Jenn says they were going to tell us, but then why was Aiden sneaking off so early? Yeah. I thought so.

After Aiden finished school, he moved back to Canada from Australia. He originally went to Montreal for a bit, but then moved down here. They hooked up like two weeks later. It was so obvious they liked each other. I don’t know why they were pretending! So, yeah, that led to an interesting year! Aiden was over all the time. Jordan, naturally, was thrilled. So was I. I really do like Aiden, and I think the two of them are really perfect together. Thankfully, Aiden and Jenn spent most nights at his place, so Jordan and I were spared from hearing what those two did in bed together. After that year, Jordan and I moved out, and Jenn and Aiden got a place together. Last year, they made it official. They had a huge wedding in Halifax, Jenn’s hometown. Jordan was Aiden’s best man, and I was Jenn’s ‘maid of honour’ (she insisted on calling me that, and I didn’t really care). As one could imagine, Jenn was a total bridezilla. There were moments that I … yeah … but I still love her.

“Did you get all the stuff we need?” Jordan asks as we step outside the apartment.

“Yep, I have everything.”

“Including the documents? We’ll need those —”

“Jordan,” I say cutting him off. “I have everything, trust me.”

“Okay,” he says.

Jenn is there waiting in her shiny new car. We don’t own a vehicle. We’ve been saving for today. Plus, you can’t really buy expensive things when your partner has huge student loans. Besides we don’t even really need a car. We’re still living in the city, though not right in downtown. We moved a bit further out. This place is closer to my work and not too far from the hospital.

At one point in time though, it seemed like he would have to leave this city, or live apart for a while. At first, Jordan was offered a residency in Montreal. The transfer would have been easy for him because he’s fluent in French, but it would have been a problem for me. For one, I start school here in September, though I would have deferred. Two, my French sucks. I’ve taken some French classes along the way, and I can speak a bit, but not enough to teach. There are English-speaking schools, but not as many jobs. In the end though, we didn’t have to move. Jordan got a placement here as well. I’m glad we stayed. This is our city. It’s where we found each other, and found ourselves. It’s where we fell in love. Toronto is home. It always will be.

“Aiden just texted me,” Jenn says. “They just left. Should be there soon.”

Aiden is bringing Jordan’s mom. She came to Toronto a few days ago. There was no way she was going to miss today! And there was no way we were going to do this without her! She’s honestly been amazing. She is one of our strongest supporters. She’s gone out of her way over the past few years to make me feel like I’m part of her family. Honestly, her warmth and compassion know no bounds. I couldn’t have asked for a better mother-in-law. I know why Jordan’s mom has moved mountains to be there for us. Obviously, she loves her son and me (I joke with Jordan sometimes that she loves me more than him). But it’s not just that. She’s really tried her best to fill that void left in my heart, and my life, by my own mother.

In the end, my mom didn’t call. I hate to say this, but she’s not part of my life anymore, though it’s not as bad as it was before. Overall, I’m okay with that. I’ve moved on. I’ve accepted reality. But I would be lying if I said I was completely over her rejection. Part of me hates that I no longer have a relationship with someone who I was once extremely close to. I’ll see an interesting recipe online, and right away, instantly, I’ll think about my mom. To this day, I’ll be in the kitchen experimenting, making some crazy concoction, and I’ll want to call her and tell her how it turned out. I miss not being able to just sit down and talk like we used to. I know this sounds crazy, but to this day I still love her. It’s odd even after all this time … after all we’ve been through … part of me still cares for her, and always will. And I’m okay with that. I’d rather my heart be filled with love, as opposed to hatred.

All of this hasn’t just been hard on me, but on my family as well, especially my dad. He has lived up to his promise. It’s been remarkable to see his transition. He is one of our biggest champions now. He even went to the Vancouver Pride parade one year! Once he saw how happy I am, and got to know Jordan (he really loves Jordan), the fact that his son is gay wasn’t an issue anymore. Without a doubt, I know he is extremely proud of both of us. He supported my career choice. He was fully behind my decision to go to teacher’s college. He loves the fact that Jordan is becoming a doctor. My dad talks about us all the time to his friends, his family, even my mom’s family. That though has been problematic. My mom’s family is full of bigots. And my dad has fought with several of them several times. Once, to a family gathering, he wore a shirt that said something like ‘Proud of My Gay Sons’. My aunt was not amused. But as the host, she couldn’t ask him to leave or take it off. My dad can be a bit of a shit disturber at times. It’s one of his many qualities I love.

My dad’s unyielding support though, initially led to a lot of problems between him and my mom. He tried to hide it at first, but the two were clearly fighting a lot. And I hated that. I hated that my sexuality was putting a strain on their relationship. They had a huge fight over whether I should be invited for Christmas that first year. My dad was adamant that I come home, but my mom was against the idea. She even threatened to leave the house if I was there. But then my siblings threatened to boycott if I didn’t go. I could tell the situation was spiraling out of control. I had to work hard to get everyone to calm down.

In the end that year, Jordan and I went to Montreal instead. I know my dad, siblings and nephews and nieces were all upset. It was the first Christmas I spent away from home. The kids just couldn’t understand why Uncle Noah wasn’t there that year. It’s not that I didn’t want to see them. I did. But I didn’t want to share a meal or spend time with someone who despises me. Plus, I didn't want to leave Jordan’s mom alone. That didn’t feel right either. Jordan said it was okay if I went to Vancouver on my own, he wouldn’t mind. He’s been incredibly supportive when it comes to my family. But I told him there was no way in hell that was going to happen. I told him I was going to be where he was. For her part, Jordan’s mom said it was okay if both of us went to Vancouver. She said if it helped patch things up with my mom, she was all for it. That is what a mom is supposed to say! But it didn’t feel right leaving her alone. I wanted to spend time with the woman who supported us from day one.

But after that, I could tell my family was on the verge of collapse. My dad and my siblings were really starting to resent my mom. I was afraid my parents were going to break up because of me. And I honestly didn’t want that. I didn’t want their marriage to end because of my sexuality. I decided I would do whatever it takes, put my own issues aside, my pride, to help my family stay together. My issue wasn’t how my mom would treat me. I was okay if she ignored me, or continued to spew hate. I knew I could handle that. I was not, though, going to subject Jordan to that crap. Not a chance in hell. All that said, there was only so much I could do. The rest had to come from her.

Eventually, my mom came to the same realization. I learned from my sister that my mom understood that in order for us to stay together as a family, she would have to tolerate my lifestyle. I honestly hate that world ‘tolerate’. I don’t want to be tolerated I want to be accepted. But I know acceptance is a long way off with her, if ever. She clearly does not approve of my life, and has made it clear she will not encourage my behaviour. Still, even though she said she would tolerate me, she didn’t make it easy.

The next Christmas, she didn’t object when my dad asked me to come home. He really wanted all of us to be together again for the holidays. I also wanted to go back, to see him, my siblings, and their kids. I hadn’t seen any of them in more than a year. I told my dad I’d do whatever he wanted me to do, so long as it didn’t cause him problems.

In the end, Jordan and I spent Christmas Eve in Montreal (I also wasn’t going to ditch his mom), and then flew to Vancouver that afternoon. We got in quite late and went straight to the hotel. I know my dad wanted us to stay at his house, but we all knew that wouldn’t be a good idea. I told my siblings I would see them the next day at my dad’s brother’s place. We figured it would be best to meet in a neutral territory for the first time. But soon after we got in, around 11 o’clock at night, we heard a knock on the door. In his absent mind, Jordan figured it was someone from the hotel, and didn't bother putting on a shirt, and opened the door. Yes, we were about to, you know. Turns out it wasn’t hotel staff, but my father, brother and sister. They said they couldn’t wait. They missed me and wanted to see me that night. So, once the kids were in bed, they came. I was flabbergasted. It was so good to see them! I was about to cry. Thankfully, I had all my clothes on. It was also the first time they met Jordan in person. They probably saw more than they wanted to at first, well excluding my sister. My brother and dad looked away. Not her. She smiled! Pervert.

The next day we all met again at my uncle’s place. The kids were ecstatic to see me, and I was just as ecstatic to see them! They were all confused why I wasn’t staying at grandpa’s house. That one was hard to explain. The one thing though that wasn’t difficult to explain was my relationship to Jordan. Much to the objections of my mom, both my siblings told them about my sexuality, and my partner. Naturally, they had a lot of questions at first, but now they totally understand. All of them took an instant likely to Uncle Jordan. He is a good guy, if I can say so myself.

As for my dad’s family, everyone was amazing. They welcomed us with open arms, as I expected. But it wasn’t all positive. My mom pretended like I wasn’t even there. She’d leave the room if either Jordan or I were there. Was I surprised? No. Was I disappointed? Absolutely. A couple of times though I caught her looking my way, or looking at Jordan. So, what would I do? I'd put my hand on Jordan’s shoulder, or around his waist. Should I have antagonized her? Probably not. Did I feel bad? No. Eventually though, when I was alone, she approached me and said hello. Again, I was surprised. Because we were in company, I didn’t want to make a scene. So, I said hello. She asked how I was. I replied and asked her the same. She answered and then excused herself. That was it. Baby steps, I figured. I really had this urge to go introduce Jordan to my mom, just to piss her off. Even though Jordan said he’d love to see her reaction, he convinced me it was a bad idea, and it would only make matters worse. Unfortunately, he was right. Don’t get me wrong, Jordan is still a clown at heart, but he really has matured!

We stayed in Vancouver a few days so I could show Jordan my hometown. I later learned from my sister that my dad wanted us to come to the house before we flew back to Toronto. My mom said I was welcome to come back, but Jordan was not. She could tolerate me, but not him. In her mind he is the one who corrupted me and tore me away from my family. She believes if it weren’t for Jordan, I wouldn’t be gay. And for that, she’ll never forgive him. Naturally, that pissed me off. But Jordan, sweet, sweet Jordan, was okay. He said it was fine if my mom never acknowledged him. If it meant there was peace in my family, he could live with that. He even said he would stay at the hotel, and that I should go. Again, I told him I was not going anywhere without him.

I don’t know exactly what happened, if my mom changed her mind, or someone said something (I assume it is the latter), but the morning of our flight, my dad called and told us to get ready. He was picking us up and taking us to breakfast. It became painfully obvious right away where we were going. I told him it was a bad idea. I was not going to ditch Jordan. But he assured me Jordan was welcome too. And so, with a lot of trepidation, I stepped into my parents’ home. And there was my mom, sitting in the kitchen. She greeted us nicely. I wouldn’t say she was warm, but she wasn’t rude. And she acknowledged Jordan too. Again, no hug or hand shake, it was a bit icy, but it was something. Even though Jordan despises her (for good reason), he was polite and charming, as usual. I’m positive my brother or sister said something. Someone made some sort of threat. There is no way she changed her mind on her own. But neither of them would say. And I realized, for everyone’s sake, I should just let it be.

Since then, I’ve only seen my mother on two other occasions. Both times she was polite. She even spoke a bit to Jordan. Again, it all felt a bit contrived, a bit formal. But it’s better than nothing. Sometimes it feels like some of the hatred in her heart if slowly, and I mean like the speed of a turtle slow, starting to melt away. I don’t expect her to ever call me, send me a gift, or anything like that. But we can at least now be in the same room together. She doesn’t cringe when she sees Jordan. That’s a start, I guess.

That of course leads me back to today. Would it have been great if my mom was here today? Absolutely. Before I came out, I would have bet money she would be by my side on such a momentous occasion. The pain of her rejection has dulled over time, but it is amplified on days like today. But it’s honestly okay. Jordan and his unconditional love make up for all of that. He loves me for who I am. And always will. What more can a guy ask for? Plus, my father, brother, sister and their children are all here. I’m not alone. I have my family.

“Hey, Noah, did you forget this folder in the car?” Jenn asks as she locks up. Before I can even answer she flips it open and sees the paper inside. “Oh my God! Finally! This is so much better than I ever expected.” She starts to laugh.

I look at Jordan. Oops. She knows. “Give me that,” I say to her.

“That stays between us!” Jordan says to her.

“But it’s so awesome! And so, so fitting for you. I’m so going to use your middle name. Jordan Juliet Young!”

“And if you say it one more time, you’ll see what happens,” he says.

“But I have to know — why did your parents choose Juliet as your middle name?”

“They didn’t,” he sighs. “It’s supposed to be Julien,” Jordan says in a very sexy French accent. “It was my grandfather’s name. But somehow the ’n’ got mistaken for a ’t’ and it was printed that way on my birth certificate. And because my dad was lazy, he never changed it. So, it stayed as Juliet.”

“It’s perfect,” Jenn says with a huge grin. She is going to enjoy this. “I’m going to call you two Romeo and Juliet from now on.”

Jordan just glares at her. Poor guy. He’s never going to live this down.

“You’ll always be my Romeo,” I lean in and whisper into his ear. And soon I’ll be able to call him by another name too.

“Shall we?” Jordan asks extending his hand.

“Absolutely.” I say placing my hand in his. “I love you, Jordan.”

“I love you too, Noah.”

“Yes, yes, the two of you are in love, we get in, great! Now let’s move! We’re on a schedule!”

Oh, Jenn.

——— 

Fear,
To be.
Insecure,
To want.
Ashamed,
To love.
For too long,
My truth
Hidden,
By guilt.
My heart
Caged,
By misguided loyalty.
My soul,
Afraid of
Rejection,
Withered away,
In the dark,
Searching for
Acceptance.
Approval,
I thought,
Would set me free.
It did.
But not theirs.
My own.
Courage,
To be.
Audacious,
To want.
Willing,
To love.
Accepting
My truth,
Erased
That guilt,
Opened
My heart,
Unshackled
My soul.
In the dark,
A piercing blue
Guided me to
Salvation;
To you.
In your eyes,
I found myself.
In your arms,
I have no fear.
By your side,
I truly am free.
Free to be,
Free to want,
Free to love.

—————

The End.