Walking in Circles - 14. Chapter 14

Chapter 14

“JAKE” Awe Jake, I’m so sorry, please forgive me. I sat up in bed panting. A nurse stuck her head in the door with a worried look on her face, I must have been calling for Jake out loud, “Bad dream, I’m fine.”

“No need to apologize, I just wanted to be sure you were ok.”

“Thanks.” It happened again.

After the door closed I sank back down in the bed. I don’t don’t care about seeing anyone today. I can’t help but see our house and Jake in my mind. “Sean, I , I don’t think I can do this. I feel like I want to just be with you wherever you are right now, but then I think maybe I just want to feel the way I did when I was with you. You were supposed to be here with me now.” I am choking on these words, my whisper sounds horse. My tears feel hot as they move down my cheeks.

I must have drifted back into sleep, “I’m sorry, what did you say?” I glanced at the clock, 5:55.

“Zach I need to take your vitals.” This is the country looking gal. I’m trying to smile but I don’t think I’m doing a very good job of it.

When she’s done I stare at the ceiling, I never did like the popcorn look, probably hides construction flaws pretty good though. There’s that TV in the corner mounted by the ceiling, it reminds me of sitting on the couch with Sean and Jake in front of the fireplace. I’d imagine there’s a TV above the mantle. Funny, Here it is and I have absolutely no interest in it.

Screw it, I’m up, might as well take a shower. I guess I’ll just wear the clothes from yesterday. Wait, knocking, “Come in.”

Linda, I like her, “Good morning, Zach.” She’s just so damn cheery, how does she do it? “How are you feeling today?”

“I don’t know Linda.” I just kinda plopped down on the chair. Of course, I had to bump my back on the arm of the damn thing before I get my butt on the seat.

Linda’s got a gentle look in her eyes as she sits on the stool and scoots closer to hold my hand. “It’s still ok to be blue once in awhile, we care about helping you to learn how to live a good life with the tragedies in the background.” As she backed away she gave my hand a light squeeze, it’s sweet.

“Thank you, sorry I’m being difficult. Please, thank your son for me too. The clothes are great.”

I don’t know how that petite lady lugged that heavy bag all the way in here. Slowly, I crawled back onto the bed face down. Just kind of looking out the window at the early morning blue sky. I can’t just lay here, so I get up and shuffle over to the window. I don’t have a great view of the pond or a bunch of trees. But, from this angle I can feel like I am at the cove.

Doc came in the door, “Doc, What if it was Sean I saw go out to the parking lot and I let him drive away.” I just can’t let this thing go.

Doc moved to the window again, “How can you be absolutely sure it was him?” He doesn’t sound convinced.

“Doc, I know Sean when I see him!” You’re kinda pissing me off dude.

“Ok, let me ask you this, if it was Sean, why did he leave? I mean wouldn’t he come to see if you were the Zach he was looking for? Wouldn’t he want to check with everyone in here before just driving away?”

I flopped down on the chair, hitting my back on the same arm on my way down. Fuck, “Why do you keep bringing me down Doc?”

He sat on the stool looking at me for a moment, “Zach, the mind is powerful, you are so desperate to feel like you once did with Sean that your mind will create a sense of a fortunate miracle. This can be a symptom of Manic Depression, or PTSD. In any respect, we can help you to have a long and productive life teaching you how to manage your emotions and treating any chemical imbalances.”

Tears are streaming down my face as Doc seems to be studying me, “Listen Zach, these times when people remind you of the ones you love are gifts. They are meant to bring you comfort and good memories, they aren’t supposed to be a way to think of your pain and suffering from your loss. Seeing someone who looked like Sean should warm your heart to have been able to see his likeness on someone else.”

“Wow, you really are amazing Doc.” I can’t help but to give him a big hug. “What do we do now Doc?”

“Well, lets just continue to discuss things as they come. I am working on getting some tests, but try to relax.”

He gently shook my hand as he left. Now I think I should at least get dressed. So, let’s grab snoopy, sandals, white cargos and the celtic t-shirt. Sweet, it’s funny to me, because before all this happened if this was all I had to choose from I’d be tripping out. Now I look at this and I feel overwhelmed, weird how our minds can change so much.

I love hot showers, I feel so relaxed and blissful when I take one. I swear I could stay in it all day. Well, I basically sniff the towel, quickly dry, brush my teeth, get dressed, throw some of the stuff from the hockey puck container that was in the dop kit, clay I think, in my hair and out the door.

I trek my way down the blue line looking at all the people going about their business. Few take much notice in me. A hot little blonde bombshell gave me an ego boosting look, and a teenage boy made an extra effort to stop and check out my butt. I really thought he was going to follow me for a second there. I have no idea what I would have done if he did, but I was relieved when he decided not to. I got to the nurses desk and the nice lady from yesterday stopped me to say that Linda wanted me to know she had to run to a meeting, but will be back around 2. I looked at the clock and it was noon. Lunch it is.

Today I decided on a big cheeseburger with everything on it, french fries, and a mountain dew. Man it’s so good to eat like this, We really did try to make what we had interesting, but there was only so much you could do living in the wilderness. This feels like a magical place where all you have to do is wish for it and it’s there for you to eat. These people have no clue what a gift they have.

I still have time to go for a walk, but I should try using the bathroom first, I know I could pee. The men’s room is just outside of the cafeteria on the way to a nearby garden area. One guy was leaving as I walked in. Nobody else was in there and I always try to take an end urinal when there are 5 in a row like this. Etiquette says the next guy should either take the center or the other end. The door opened up and some crackhead goes to the urinal right next to me. What the hell. Well, at least he was able to empty out and go away before I got even got a drop out. Other than his original sin, I was impressed with his speed leaving the room. I didn’t however, hear the guy who came in while the door was still open, but the douche bag went right up to the urinal right next to me. What is wrong with these people?

Well, annoyed I look over to see who I’m about to insult. Oh shit, it’s the teenage boy again. Fuck…. he’s probably a 15, 16, or a young looking 17 year old. Dirty blonde shaggy hair, kinda dark blue t-shirt with an old pair of beat up jeans and flip flops. He doesn’t seem to be looking at me, but wait a second, uh oh, he’s definitely boning up.

Well, how the hell am I supposed to concentrate on peeing with a stiffy? I am sure beach bra here can see it too. That mushroom ridge head of his dick has managed to squeeze out of his foreskin so he’s probably near maximum hardness, but who’s looking? I think it would be best to walk away, but I really do have to pee. Maybe he’ll give up if I wait him out. He isn’t stroking it or anything so he’s bound to lose interest. But, what are you digging out your balls for? What? Do you really think I wanna see how your nutsack hangs below your zipper? Good for you, by the way, but I didn’t sign up for this. Damnit, my dick is not behaving, like I have the ability to stop it from leaking pre. And, of course, I can clearly see out of the corner of my eye that he can’t help himself from peaking. He has a pretty firm grip at the base of his shaft and I notice he’s slightly adjusting from there making his foreskin slide just onto his ridge and off, very slowly. I also can see every so often he slightly raises his entire length by a couple inches revealing the shiny glistening pre on the tip. Each time there’s more, to where it even drips down the side of his dick. Unfortunately, mine oozes like a damn fountain, so there’s a long continuous stream of my pre from my cock to the bowl. Man, I can’t even concentrate. I refuse to touch it, I just keep my hands on my waist and I close my eyes. About 2 seconds of that was all I got because that beach turd leaned over and took my whole shaft into his mouth. I just couldn’t fucking believe the nerve of this creep. I mean he slammed my dick head past his tonsils and bobbed so fast that I couldn’t stop him fast enough before blasting off. What the fuck did I do?

He jumped back up and whispered, “I turned 18 today.” As he started fisting himself frantically, I quickly reached over slapping his hand away and returned the favor for the birthday boy. I slammed down onto his long shaft as I took hold of his hanging balls he filled my mouth with his millions of babies right away. I bobbed a couple times as an added bonus and stood back up. He leaned over and took my dick back in his mouth for one super suction pull and let it pop out while putting himself away. He turned and went out the door. I finally deflated enough to pee so I could leave, just as the next guy was coming in.

I went quickly through the garden then headed for the pond. I sat down on the first bench and realized I was breathing like I had just ran down the driveway. I need to get this out of my head. I feel like I cheated on Sean, if he’s watching I’m sure he’s pissed. I’m sorry Sean. I can’t afford to think about this, I need to close my eyes and feel the sun on my neck. I need to listen to the voices from the people walking by, I need to feel like I did before I even went into that restroom, minus the need to pee of course. I am going to get up and go to Linda’s office and get back to the business of healing my heart.

The walk back to her office was better now and I am able to be completely in the moment. The nurse said I can find Linda in her office now. “Hi Linda,”

“Oh good Zach, come in, I want you to meet my son, Robert. It’s his birthday today.”

Fucking Hell. Erase all knowledge. “Hi Robert, Nice to meet you. Are you the one who has supplied me with a wardrobe?” Good Zach, you got this.

“Yeah, does everything fit alright?” He’s good, I wouldn’t suspect a thing from him.

“Well, I haven’t tried everything on yet, but since everything has fit so far, I’m sure they’re all great.”

“Robert, can you give me about an hour, then meet me back here?”

“Sure Mom, nice to meet you Zach.” Wow not even a hint.

“You too, and thanks a million for your help.”

“Ok Zach, we need to talk about your family, I know you’re almost 20 now, but I am sure you’re parents are worried sick about you.”

“No, they aren’t.” I had to take a long deep breath. I know what’s coming.

“Of course, they are.”

“My parents died in a head on collision when I was 10. A drunk driver went left of center and hit us before we even knew what happened.”

“Us? You were in the car?”

“Yes.”

“Were you hurt?”

“The Doctors think I was knocked unconscious. I really don’t remember any of it.”

“I see, what happened to you, where did you go?”

“I went to live with my Dad’s sister, she only took me in because she thought she would get my parents life insurance and my inheritance. You know, to pretend to take care of me.” I had to look at the floor, I don’t like talking about this. “She only got a small amount from the lawyers each month and would always tell me there wasn’t enough left to give me any. I left when I was 15, I was allowed to become emancipated through the help of my parents lawyer and the fact that I was a straight A student.” Another deep breath, “I don’t talk to my family and they don’t talk to me, so no love lost there. The lawyer was able to free up enough for me to have an apartment and basically what I needed to complete high school. He said I would get everything that’s left when I turn 20.”

“I see, can you give me the name of your lawyer?”

I did my best to give her all the information I could remember. Afterward, we discussed the other class for physical therapy. It meets on Monday’s at 3pm. So that seems good for me. She also wanted to schedule a regular appointment with her every other day during the week. I agree to meet with her in the morning at 7am Monday Wednesday and Friday. She said it would usually be about a half hour. Cool.

I didn’t see Robert on my way out, grateful for small favors. I did see Steve as I walked past his office. He motioned for me to come in. “Hey, What’s up Steve? Good to see you.”

“Yeah, actually I was hoping to see you today and this is perfect timing, shut the door, sit, get comfortable.”

“Cool thanks.” Steve was leaning far back on his office chair and it looked relaxing, so I turned the guest chair sideways, in his small office, so I could stretch and cross my legs, as well as slouch in the chair. When I looked back at Steve he had a funny grin.

“That’s better, I like your style. So, what are your plans, do you have any thoughts about how you’ll move forward?”

You mean like grabbing the top of your trainers to free up that hidden monster your putting out there like a buffet table? I let the back of my head rest on the back of the chair and I closed my eyes. “I don’t know how to do that yet. To tell you the truth, I feel lost and twisted. One minute I am happy to be alive and enjoying meeting the people around me, the next minute I wish I could close my eyes and make everything go away. Doc said that the moments where you get to see things in other people that remind you of the ones you love, they’re a gift we should welcome them.”

“Zach, I have been working here for about 6 years now. When my wife was diagnosed, the people here were so nice. They tried to offer advice, but I wanted to deal with it my way.”

Steve looks like he’s going to cry, I wish he’d stop. “When she died I was given personal time off to grieve. I felt as if my whole life has ended. I stopped leaving the house and stopped taking calls. Eventually, my personal time had ended and I hadn’t returned to work.” Steve started looking at me more now. “Dr Stiene knocked on my door. I saw him walking up to the house and I went to the front door, I just couldn’t open it. I waited and thought he would leave, instead he started talking. I still don’t know if he knew I was on the other side of the door. I think he probably would have kept talking even if I wasn’t.” Steve smiled at that picture. “Dr Stiene said about the same thing to me. That my wife now can help me whenever and wherever I need her. She will be the one with the flowing hair, the one with a certain walk, she will be laughing at a nearby table, and she will be talking to me through a stranger. If I didn’t choose to let her show me, I will never know how great a gift she can give. He was just so believable, you know the way he sounds.” Damn straight I do, I just smiled and nodded. “Then he went on, if I get back to helping others, these gifts will be the warm loving gifts. But, if I choose to wallow in my misery, every glimpse will be a reminder of the pain. My choice, my will. The next day I chose to feel good, come hell or high water, I was going to get through it.”

I had tears forming in my eyes. Steve turned and I wasn’t sure what he was fidgeting around with, that is till I heard music. A sound that almost instantly brought images to my mind. They looked like slow motion clips. Sean and Jake on the beach, my parents watching me prove I can swim in the ocean. The house Sean and I built, and the house I lived in with my parents.

Then, the glimpses changed, they were Sean, Jake, and I on the boat trying to escape the storm. I saw my parents in the front seat of our car, my mom was saying something to me and my father looked at her with a grin. Then the boat was falling apart, I struggled to get to the surface and couldn’t find Sean. I could see the car coming at us and the front of our car burst into a million pieces. I was begging for Sean feeling defeated and lost. My mother landed on top of me, her lifeless body shielded me from getting killed, then I saw myself standing between their caskets where they were about to be buried.

I was weeping by the time the song had ended. Steve had tears in his eyes but he looked concerned about me. Steve came around to my side of his desk and got on his knees in front of me. His face was so kind, and he started rubbing my knees. “I discovered that band when I was at a group meditation. I listen to it a couple times a week. The band is called ‘Dead Can Dance’ and that song is ‘The Host of Seraphim’. Moving, isn’t it?”

I was gaining control of myself, “It was incredible, but I don’t think I could ever listen to it again. That was just too much.”

”I felt exactly the same way after I first heard it. Then a day came I felt a depression trying to take me over. I searched out that song and was able to see through my problem.”

Steve had stopped rubbing my knees, but had stayed kneeling in front of me. “I’m sorry if I took you to a bad place. I wasn’t trying to get you to feel bad, I wanted you to be able to know how I cope, I guess.”

”Steve.... Thank you. You are a true friend and I am so grateful to know you.”

Steve and I stood up and came in for another of his tight hugs. They really do feel good when we do this. We said goodbye and agreed to talk after class tomorrow.I decided I would take the long way out side to get back to my room. It is a perfect warm evening. I even heard an owl in the distance, ‘who’, “Just me old man.”

I keep tossing and turning after getting into bed, but eventually I let sleep take me.