Walking in Circles - 12. Chapter 12

Chapter 12

I am dead, There’s no sound, I don’t feel anything, course there’s no pain, but there’s no joy either. I just want to feel my eyes open one more time. God, are you listening to me? I’m sorry for the jerk I had always been. I am sorry to have lost Sean and Jake. I just want to feel alive again. I want to feel like I did when I was with Sean. Lord, I felt loved and I felt passion.

Even in death I feel tears fill my eyes in memory of my love for Sean. I should feel grateful to feel anything at all, but it’s a heartache I long to pass through. “Son? Can you hear me?” It’s like someone is here with me, wherever here may be.

“Doctor, I think 2B is coming around.” What, who is that? I am fighting to see who it is, I feel pain as light hit my eyes. “Nurse, turn off the lights.”

“Son, my name is Dr. Stiene. Come on you can do it , you can open your eyes and the light will not hurt.” His voice sounds so hopeful, I want to believe him. I want to see.

“That’s it Son, you got it.” “Linda, 2B is opening his eyes!” “Ladies please stand back and let the young man breathe.”

I open my eyes to see a crowd of people in uniforms. The man by my side is old and kind looking, the lady on the other side has tears running down her cheeks. My eyes fill with tears as I see everyone around me with tears in their eyes as well,. “Am I, alive?” I choked on my tears as I said it out loud.

“Yes, young man, you are in a recovery center outside of New York City. You have been under our care for 6 months now.” The Dr. was holding my hand now. “Are you in any pain?”

“Just my heart I think.”

“Son, can you tell me your name?” The Doctors question had me stumped for about 2 seconds. “Zach Holland.” I rub my head.

“What’s the last thing you remember, Zach?” Dr Stiene really does have gentle way about him.

“I was sailing on the lake with my, my lover Sean and my pet wolf Jake. We had been kidnapped and left in the woods. We didn’t know where we were. We were there for a year building a boat to try to find civilization again. We had been teaching ourselves how to sail. There was another boat, a motor boat about a mile away. It turned around when a storm blew in. We were too far out to make it back, we couldn’t see enough of the shore. Oh God, our boat broke apart and I thought I was going to drown, I never saw Sean again, but I did see Jake swimming away. I got on a piece of our boat and cried harder than I ever remember crying.”

“Zach, honey, my name is Linda, I am a case worker assigned to you, can you give me Sean’s last name so I can enquire about him, maybe notify his next of kin?”

I am filled with a horrifying shame, I am too embarrassed to say it, “I never, well we never shared our last names with each other. It, it just never came up. We were trying to survive and so focused, I can’t believe I fell in love after living with him for a year and I never asked him his last name… What kind of person does that?” I start crying in shame.

Linda comes up to hold my hand, “Zach, honey, that kind of person is busy living and sharing something more important, love. We will do the best we can to help you with this.”

“Ok now, everybody out, I need to give him a check up and will someone bring him something to eat?” Doc cleared the room within 5 seconds.

After Doc finished looking me over, one of the nurses came in with something that looked like turkey and mushed potatoes, you can’t call them mashed at this point. It was fine, I was hungrier than I thought I was. Another nurse came in to take the dishes away and asked me if I would like some cake or ice cream? Hell yes I do. “Could I have both, please.”

“Well, Zach, you and I are going to be good friends, I can already tell.” I like that woman. I saw her name tag, Angie.

I didn’t get many more visitors in my room that night and I didn’t get much sleep either. I just couldn’t let go of the fact that I don’t know Sean’s last name. I feel so stupid, or not a caring enough person to ask him his full name. IDIOT.

“Good morning,Zach. Did you get any sleep?”

“Hi Doc, not really.”

“Well, that’s common in these situations. I like to think you had six months of sleeping, how could anyone expect you to go to sleep so fast.” Doc started taking my vitals.

“Zach, I’m curious, how did you find yourself in the woods?”

“Well Doc, Sean and I had a similar experience. We were asked by the school to come visit their school for a scholarship. I met a fine looking feline who invited me to a party. Her name was Caira, and we were having a good time, at least I thought. The next thing I knew, I woke in the woods by a fire. Sean was there by the fire as well. He said he met Caira that night and she asked him to go for a walk. That was the last thing he remembered before waking up in the woods as well. We both believe she has something to do with it..”

“That is some story, I think someone should look into that.”

The whole day was spent recounting my story. It was painful at times but everyone was so kind and sincere. Despite having been sleeping for six months, I was exhausted from all that talking. I passed out.

Midnight, I was dreaming I was on the plank in the lake and I couldn’t find Sean. I woke up crying, sobbing really. Nurse Angie must have heard me. She didn’t ask why or anything, she just wrapped her arms around me and just kept saying, “It’s ok, let it out..”

“I’m sorry……I’m so sorry….”

“Oh honey, you have nothing to be sorry about.” Angie just held me till I could get control of myself. I will tell you right now, I absolutely love her for that.

At 6 am, I heard Linda saying good morning to staff people. I poked my head out of my room, “Good morning Linda.”

“Zach, good morning, how are you feeling?”

“Not so good.” I’m sure she can see how puffy my eyes are from basically crying all night.

“Zach, I brought you some clothes, they may be a bit small, they were my sons, he buys way too many clothes. Why don’t you take a shower and put these on.”

“Thank you Linda. I mean it.”

“Zach, come find me when you’re finished.”

“Alright, I’ll do that.”

The shower in my room was incredible. I loved getting us the hot water at home, but it didn’t have good pressure. Oh the difference that makes. I think the way the manufacturers have so many holes close together like that just batters my achy muscles. The soap smells so perfectionally, (perfectionly? You know what I mean.) processed. I feel guilty how long I stayed in there, but it felt amazing. Reaching out to grab a soft fluffy towel, one that actually feels like it is drying me, is over the top. I stood there sniffing the towel because I could smell the detergent, Heavenly.

The underwear that Linda brought me were perfect, dark blue boxer briefs. They felt kinda sexy, especially knowing they once covered her sons jewels. Is that bad for me to think that? Well, get over it, I’m funny, damnit. Whoever he is, he has great taste in jeans, these things bring out ALL my best features, man these nurses are gonna go nuts, ha. I’m a bit bigger up top than he is, and that’s after 6 months of no exercise and being tube fed. The t-shirt is tight, but it’s clean so it feels great. The oxford shirt Linda brought wouldn’t have been my first choice, but it does look nice on me, I’m just saying.

I saw a dop kit on the shelf, when I peaked inside I saw tiny scissors, shaving cream, and a real razor blade. I actually chuckle at myself for being so damn excited about a razor blade, but who cares, I am about to have the first clean shave in about 2 years.

I used the scissors to clean up the ends of my hair, in the end I put some mouse in and pushed it back. I Know that guy in the mirror, I just haven’t seen him for a very long time. My heart is pounding so hard just before I have to my debut in front of the staff. I met them yesterday, but they’ve seen me for 6 months. I wonder what they’ll think.

When I stepped out of the room, well that said it all. Literally everyone stopped moving and there were many gasps. A tear ran down my cheek, “Thank you, I mean that.”

One of the male nurses started clapping, and soon, it was coming from all around. I tried to fight it, but the tears weren’t obeying me. Another nurse who stood at the end of my bed yesterday, she walked up, put her hands on my cheeks and kissed my forehead. Another one hugged me, “Can you tell me how to find Linda?” I whispered because people were getting back to work even though they were wiping their tears away.

“Go out these doors, follow the blue line till you come to another nurse station. They’ll help you from there.”

“Thank you.” She hugged me one more time.

I don’t know what I thought was going to happen, actually yes I do. I thought I would go out that door turn a corner, maybe 2 and see a nurse station. That is not happening here. This place is huge. At the ends of some of the long hallways I could see trees and at least one big pond, with ducks in it. That reminded me of the one Sean accidentally killed. He was practicing shooting the arrows and it went clear up in the sky. Couple seconds later a duck fell to the ground with the arrow in it. We laughed so hard, funny how I forgot about that till just now.

Seriously, I started thinking I was color blind and following the wrong line. Yet, there was so much to see. People everywhere, most of them completely oblivious of everyone else. People being reunited with the ones they love, some getting the news they have lost them forever. I stood off to the side while one lady wept just as I did last night. My heart ached for her.

Finally, there it is. “Excuse me, can you help me find Linda, she’s a case worker?”

“You must be Zach, I’ve heard all about you, welcome back.” She held my hand. “She’s in the third office on the left.”

“Thank you, for both.” I waved a quick hand up as I turned down the hall.

“Zach, I see you’ve found me. And look how handsome you are. I will bring you more clothes tomorrow. So what do you think of our facility?”

“First impression? It’s huge. There’s so much going on here and from the glimpses I got of the grounds, they are beautiful.”

“I think it’s one of the best in the country. We offer many programs to help people get back into life, unfortunately, we sometimes have to help at the end of their lives as well. “

I am impressed with this place for sure. “How long have you been working here?”

“22 years next week. But it seems like yesterday.” She looked out her window, then she studied me for a second. Zach, I would like to sign you up for some classes we offer here. One I think would be very beneficial to you is yoga. They help people focus and to get your body to relax and rejuvenate. Would you be willing to try it?”

“Sure, it actually sounds nice.”

“Great, there’s a class today at one, I’ll notify them to expect you. Another class is physical therapy. This class focuses on helping you with reconditioning your body as well as learning how to help others with theirs. Can I get you signed up for that as well?”

“Yes, please. I would love it.”

“Then you’re all set, I’ll get you a start time for that class by tomorrow. Now I have a couple other things to discuss. This is a pass giving you access to most of this facility wear it around your neck at all times. Feel free to eat when you want at the cafeteria or you can let the nurse in your area know what you’d like and we’ll deliver it to your room.”

She fished around for some paper work. “Now, we currently have a grant from the state giving you the care you need, and our staff is prepared to offer you assistance with anything they won’t cover. We just need your permission to continue treating you at this facility. Initial each page, then print and sign your name here, ok?”

I followed her directions and decided to go for a walk outside before heading back to my room. It really is a beautiful place, I can see why people like being here. There are benches all over the place, and there’s a lot of people enjoying them. I am hopeful to be able to move on in some capacity. Time is all I need.

I saw one of the nurses in my ward in the cafeteria and we waved. There were many types of food each with their own station, almost like a food court. I decided on lasagna, and a Dr Pepper. Oh lord is that delicious. I need to watch myself or I’ll get fat.

Now I just need a nap. I got a little lost getting back to my room, but I think I got the basic layout down now. As soon as I walked in my room a nurse came in behind me. “Can I take your vitals, Zach?”

“Sure.” I sat down on the bed to comply.

This girl is probably about my age, but seems more of a country gal instead of the big city. She’s nice and thorough, I like that. I asked if there’s an alarm clock because I wanna take a nap. She pointed to one on the other side of the bed. “Thank you.”

‘Zach, I need a fishing buddy, will you come with me?’ ‘Ok Grandpa, I miss you’
Awe, I love when my Grandpa comes to visit me in my dreams. Ugh, I’m up, I’m up, I got it.
Why did I agree to this anyway?

Awe, someone left sweat pants and a t-shirt for me. These will fit great, I mean holy shit, look at my ass in these sweats. I bet whoever put them there knew exactly what they’d do. As I entered the hallway, it was like everybody took turns looking up, ‘good, thank you for the encouragement‘; uh huh, nod or say hi ‘yep, that’s good’; now I’ll take a peak back, ha caught ya ‘nice ‘. That’s a fun game.

As I am through the door I suddenly realize I don’t know where the class is. There’s the guy who started the applause. He blushed as I stopped him, very cool. “Hey, can you tell me where they do the yoga?” I look at his name tag, “Travis.”

“Yeah, sure, follow the red line and there’s a sign on the door on the left. How are the sweats I left ya?” Travis grabbed my gun to turn me so he could look at my butt, like come on, could you at least try to be subtle? Ok, I confess, I arched my back just a hair more to make it pop. “Zach, they look great, nice arms too.”

“Oh these guns are mainly from living in the woods for a year.” With Sean, ugh “Thank you so much for the sweats, I’ll get them back to you.”

I started half walking backwards, “No Zach, they’re yours.”

“You’re the best, I gotta run. Thanks again Travis.”

I turned to follow the red line and smiled wide because I started to lightly jog and I knew Travis waited for that, turn look, ope busted. The red line is what I thought the blue line should have been, one turn watch the left, there it is. Sweet, I’m not the only guy in here. “Sorry, I’m late, got turned around.”

“Hi, I’m Steve. You must be, Zach, is that correct?” This dude is built like a brick shithouse.

“Yes, thanks.” He shook my hand with a grip. Then he pointed to an empty space up front. Nice, these ladies are gonna get a man show.

Steve explained each (pose?) for beginners (me and maybe her, hi) and for advanced (obviously everyone else). At the end I was doing something that looked like superman, all of my abs on the floor, and nothing else is supposed to be touching it. Basically, I rocked back and forth, I looked like a flopping fish. Steve came out of nowhere to hold my feet up, and counted “2 3 4, good. Thanks everyone, same time Thursday. “ Steve turned back to me. “Let’s get you a towel, come on.” There’s a door that goes into a men’s locker room. That’s probably why the ladies went out the door to the back of the room, got it. “Hey, Steve, what day is today?”

Steve opened a closet and pulled out a clean nicely folded hand towel. “Thanks.” As I’m wiping my face he takes me to a locker. “Today is Tuesday.”

“It’s yours if you want it, nobody else will be using it if you claim it.” I nod and he hands me a key, then he takes it from me again but connects it with my badge pass around my neck. “So you don’t loose it.”

“Thanks again.” Then he opens the locker 2 down from me and takes off his shirt. I had to wipe my face with the towel because I was suddenly sweating. Oh, my, God, he pulled down his trainers and didn’t have underwear on, just as I had expected. Dude that thing is a monster and should be in a cage, not bouncing around free to go where it wants.

“I ran out of clean underwear this morning, sorry.”

I smiled, “No problem.”

“So Zach, everyone has been talking about you. I am so sorry about your loss. Oh hey, there are showers, do you want to join me?”

“Oh yeah, sure. But I don’t have a towel.”

“No problem. Just go back to that closet and grab a bath towel.”

He had wrapped his towel around him and sat on the bench while he waited for me to come back and get undressed. “So how are you feeling?”

“I think I am numb and walking around in a dream.” Steve nodded to that.

Then Steve pointed the way. To tell you the truth, I don’t know if he even glanced at my junk, usually guys are way more obvious. The showers were poll style with four poles in a big tiled room and four spickets per pole. Nobody else was in there so I chose the back of the room, next pole to Steve, but the same spicket side. Steve lathered himself up with his bar of soap, whether intentional or not, he really rubbed that soap all over his ass, balls and monster cock. Then he immediately comes closer to hand me the soap and goes back to spread the soap in every crevice. “Keep the soap in your locker.”

Ok, now I think if I felt better I would allow myself to get chub around this guy. It used to make me feel better around dudes with giant cocks, mine isn’t tiny at all, but size matters more to guys than girls, I think. But, I don’t feel better and I didn’t get chub. We talked some about the ordeal and Sean. About Jake and the house. We briefly talked about the boating incident. After we shut the water off, Steve looked like he was going to cry. He came over to me and mashed our naked wet bodies together in a big bear hug. “I am so sorry you went through that Zach.”

“Awe Steve, thank you.” We heard a locker open and we patted backs. Now I definitely got chubbed if only for a few seconds.

After we had dried, Steve showed me where to put the wet towel so they can get washed and dried then put back in the closet. He handed me a clean pair of trainers, socks, and t-shirt, “Sorry I can’t help you with the underwear.” You know, it felt really good to laugh.

Steve gave me the tour of the steam and saunas in the locker room, then the gym and pool down the hall, and last his office. “Although, I’m hardly ever in here.” He wrote his number down on a post it and said to call if I ever need to talk. “Don’t even hesitate, no matter what time it is.”

“Seriously, I can’t even begin to tell, well all of you, how much this all means to me. Thank you.” This time Steve came in for another hug. We patted backs a few times and when we ended the hug Steve had tears streaming down his cheeks. That’s what got my waterworks going.

“I’m sorry, Zach. My wife died of cancer 2 years ago. I feel your pain, and sometimes it gets hard to talk about it with people.”

My tears came a bit heavier, “I’m so sorry, Steve. You seem so put together.”

“It’s been a long road.” We both are wiping the tears away to face the world again. “It gets better, I promise.”

We parted ways but I smiled because I genuinely made a new friend. But, alone in my room I cried myself to sleep.