Walking in Circles - 13. Chapter 13

Chapter 13

“JAKE!” I, uh, where is Jake. I am so sorry Jake.

I must have been loud because a nurse came in with a worried look. “Bad dream, I’m fine now, sorry.”

“No need to apologize, I was just making sure.”

“Thanks.” She turned and left. I used my bathroom and got back into bed. I don’t care to see anyone, I don’t want to do anything other than sleep. Yet all I’m really doing is lying here.

“Zach, it’s Linda, can I talk to you?” I role over attempting to be polite. “How are you feeling today?”

“I don’t know, to tell you the truth.”

“You’re allowed to feel sad, Zach. We just don’t want you to get stuck there.” I closed my eyes for just a second. “ My son has taken it upon himself to clothe you. Any excuse to go shopping. That boy doesn’t wear half the clothes he buys.” She picked up a duffel bag she set in the hallway. After she put it on the chair I thanked her for it and said I needed more sleep.

I laid there like that for 2ish hours, then I just wanted to stare out of the window. My room didn’t have a great view of a pond or trees, I have the parking lot, and I have the main entrance. Staring at these people makes me feel indifferent. Don’t care why you’re happy, don’t care why you’re sad, hell I’m sad. “Oh, OH MY GOD! HELP, STOP, STOP, SEAN I’M HERE!”

I need to get dressed now! Fuck, that hurt, banged my damn knee on the damn bed. Got trainers half on and a t-shirt in my hand gotta check the window, “FUCK” he’s getting into a car and now he’s pulling away, “STOP, WAIT WAIT COME BACK.” I’m not crying, I am fucking panicking.

Doc walked through the door, “Doc, Sean was just here, I saw him, HE’S ALIVE.”

Doc went to the window, “Can you be certain it was him, or could it have been someone who may look like him?”

“I, I know it was him.” “Why are you trying to bring me down?”

“Zach, you have been through so much and you want to feel better. But, I fear if you let these feelings direct you, your failure will be more than you can handle.”

“Doc, just what if it was him, and I just let him drive away.”

I trembled as I wept. Doc put his hand on my shoulder, rubbed the back of my shoulder. “We’re here to help you heal from this tragedy.”

“Doc, thank you for being so patient with me. I am feeling better I think.”

“Alright, I will check on you later, but you might feel better if you wash your stink off your body.” EXCUSE ME. The shock and horror on my face was interrupted by laughter from us both.

Shortly after he left, I took another long hot soothing shower. I spent much of it leaning on the wall imagining if I had run up to who I thought was Sean. How uncomfortable he would feel if he wasn’t him, and how uncomfortable I would feel if he really didn’t look like Sean up close.

The towels still make me stop, I love to sniff how clean they are. This whole ordeal has really helped me appreciate the little things that I’ve always taken for granted. It’s not without the pain and struggle and nobody wants to choose that path just to appreciate little things like fresh towels. But, is anybody able to change their perspective so profoundly without the turmoil?I decided to put on the new dark jeans from Linda’s son, and a white t-shirt. I really do feel better, so I plan to see if Linda is still here. I still watch the blue line to get me there. I am slow moving today because I haven’t completely shaken off the depression. And, just as I thought she has left for the day. I decided to walk around the grounds admiring the well trimmed grass and the setting sun shimmering on the pond.

As I turned the corner to the front of the building, I saw Sean again. He got out of a Japanese sedan. I didn’t run after him, I didn’t call out his name, I choose to watch and see. As he approaches the front door, a young lady comes out in the scrubs the RN’s wear. She kisses him and unintentionally looks directly at me. I swear to you fucking now, that girl is fucking Caira. I mean what are the fucking odds that the guy who looks exactly like Sean would be kissing the girl who looks exactly like fucking Caira. I MEAN, COME ON. I absolutely cannot let this fucking opportunity pass without stopping them to find out.

“Excuse me mam, is your name Caira?” I tried to sound nonchalant, but I thought I would throw up if I looked at Sean.

“Yes, I am, how can I help you?”

My stomach flipped, but I demanded myself to keep my cool, I just can’t afford to lose it right now. “Do you remember me from about a year and a half ago, we went to a frat party together?”

Sean spoke up, about knocking me to my knees. “Hey, I remember you. Honey he was the guy you were with the night I met you.”

Caira suddenly looks like a switch was turned on, “Oh, hey, yeah, ah Zach right?”

Let me tell you right now, I don’t understand how, but I know for a fact, in no fucking way this guy sounds, acts, or is Sean. But, he literally looks exactly like him. “Yes, that’s right. I am trying to figure out what happened that night. I had something happen to me that night and found myself lost in some woods somewhere that I didn’t know where it was.”

Both their mouths dropped open in real shock, “Hey, my name is Kevin, by the way, Caira and I got married 3 months ago. But, I seem to recall you were extremely drunk. I only remember that because Caira wanted to go for a walk to get away from you. And, that’s how we met.”

“Hey, I’m sorry Zach. I just didn’t want to be responsible for you when you were acting so belligerent.” She must have seen that I need more information. “After we got to the party you started drinking with one of the frat brothers. I had turned around and you had disappeared. After about an hour, you showed up, pissed off about something I couldn’t understand. I saw this guy next to me looking like he wanted to help, so I asked him if he wanted to go for a walk. Thank God he said yes, or I wouldn’t be married to him today.”

Huh, that’s a twist, “So you didn’t take part in some twisted plot to drop me in a forest somewhere?”

“Oh my God, NO. Is that what you thought?”

“Well, I’m sorry, but that’s exactly what I thought.”

They both looked worried and concerned, “Look guys, I can see that I was wrong, I just want to find out what happened to me. So, please, if you think of anything at all, I am in room 2B. Or you can contact Dr Stiene who is helping me here.”

“Zach, I’m sorry you have gone through something horrible, and I will try to help in any way I can. Both of us will.” “Yeah Zach, absolutely.”

“Guys, Thank you for talking to me, you have helped me so much already. But, you guys need to get home.”

Kevin shook my hand, ”Zach, we will pray for you.”

”That would be great, thank you.”

Kevin started to walk away but Caira stopped him. “Oh, Zach, I really do hope you find the answers you’re looking for.”

We gave the hand up wave and I walked through the doors more confused than ever, but somehow changed. I feel like I am in the twilight zone. Could Sean have been the one all along who kidnapped me to the woods? Is it possible that he and Kevin are twins?

I need to think about this before I say anything to Doc. Right now, I am too tired, I just need to close my eyes.

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The first thing I do as soon as I open my eyes is look at that clock, 4:44. The lights are still dim in the hallway, and the sounds are of the nurses doing their jobs as quietly as they can. The ceiling here has those really big popcorn looking bumps all over them. I think to myself, what if someone sprayed blood on them, that would be difficult to clean. Of course, this is a recovery/rehab center, not a hospital, but still.

Well, fuck it. I know I won’t get back to sleep, I might as well make myself busy. I noticed a small dresser in the corner and a tiny closet beside it, but so far hadn’t used them. So I gathered everything people have been giving me and made 2 piles on the bed. One for dirty and the other clean. For the dirty, I saw there were 2 waste baskets in the room and one in the bathroom. I might get reprimanded, but I think 2 in the room is a bit much. So I took the empty bag out, put the dirty clothes in it and set it in the closet. I was pleased to see I now own 4 pairs of underwear, 4 white plain t-shirts, 3 colored or printed t-shirts, 4 pair of jeans, 5 shirts, 2 pair of cargo shorts, 1 pair of gym shorts, sweats, trainers, 2 pair of tennis shoes and 1 pair of sandals. In my life before I would have been mortified if these were all I had to choose from. Now, I am overwhelmed by the choices and the fact that people are so generous, to simply give, someone they don’t know, good clothes.

After I got them sorted, I grabbed a pair of jeans, the sandals, white boxer briefs, and a white t-shirt. In the bathroom, I got the toothpaste and toothbrush out of the dop kit. I thought we did pretty good with taking long grasses wound tightly together to make a toothbrush, and some wax with ground mint and ash as toothpaste. This is so much better. And, to have a long hot soothing shower while I brush my teeth is simply, glorious.

I sniffed the towel before drying myself, then wrapped it around my waist. There are fingernail clippers in the kit, so I sat on the toilet lid, pulled out the garbage pail, and shaved down my hooves. I swear I could skin a goat with these things. Ha, wouldn’t you know it. As soon as I finish cutting them, I can’t seem to pick anything up. I cleaned something, that looked like it was not of this world, out from my ears, oh my god I could gag.

Seriously, it really makes a difference on my psyche to be groomed. Like that day I used a sharp rock to ‘shave’ my father of time beard. Seriously, it was driving me crazy. Plus, at the time, I was so pleased that Sean wanted to do it as well. “Ok Zach, let’s just try to get this out there in the open. You actually fell in love with Sean, no denying it. But, was Sean who you thought he was? How are you supposed to feel now? I think I feel betrayed, even tricked and manipulated. I need to be able to shake this feeling. I want to remember Sean as the boy I loved. You know, buddy, that is going to take some work.” With that, I winked at the man in the mirror. By way, I do break into song, “Gonna make a change, for once in my life. It’s gonna feel real good, gonna make a difference, gonna make it right.” As I continue singing the song, that I forgot I used to love, I spin around in front of the mirror. I am truly starting with that man in the mirror.

Fuck, of course, I open the damn door and Doc is sitting in the chair with a huge smile on his face. “Bravo, Mr Jackson. You should take that on the road.”

“Funny Doc, it felt good though, I gotta admit.”

“It sounded good from out here, no lie. But what brought that on is what I want to know.”

I put underwear on under my towel and throw on a t-shirt before removing my towel. As I am getting a pair of shorts to wear, I am trying to decide how or what I am going to say to him. I know I don’t want to lie to him. I decided to sit on the stool and look him in the eyes. “I saw Sean again last night. I had all the feelings I did when I saw him the other time, but I thought about what you said. So I decided to just watch and see. A girl came out and kissed him, the thing is Doc. She looked exactly like Caira. I mean the odds of that have to be astronomical, right? I went up as casually as I could and sure enough she said she indeed was Caira. Doc, I felt my soul tremble. Sean turns out not to be Sean, at-all, but is her husband, Kevin. He looks 100% like Sean, but he has a way different voice and mannerism. No way they could be the same person. So, get this. They met the night of the party. He remembers me being completely wasted and she wanted to get away from me so she left with him. They must’ve hit it off cause they’re married now, and I’m happy for them. But, Doc, do you think Sean could be his long lost twin or something? And, could he have been the one who took me to the woods after all?”

“Zach, I want you to consider that there could be something missing from your memory. Somewhere there might be a memory your blocking because it’s too painful to face. But, it is possible that if such a memory exists, it could hold all the answers.”

It isn’t easy processing all of this, but Doc really has a strong case and an interesting perspective, “Doc, you’re a beautiful person, do you know that?”

“I bet you say that to all the boys.”

“And you’re funny too.” “Thank you. What do we do now?”

“Well, I am going to schedule you for some tests, that’ll probably be next week or so, in the meantime, I think we should schedule time every day to talk about what you feel and some about how to proceed. I have time at 11 where I can set an hour aside.”

I can’t help but hug him right now. “Thanks again Doc.”The day is beautiful, sunny, and the ducks are playful. I can’t help thinking that I am a nut case, who can’t even see reality. Hell, there could be a hidden memory in my fucking head, how would I fucking know? Damnit, what the fuck is wrong with me. What time is it? I think I can still make yoga. I need to pick up my pace, locker room, locker room, there. Ah, which locker is mine, the key, yes, got it. Change into my sweats and into the yoga room, “Hey Steve, how you doing?”

“Good Zach, how are you doing?” He looks busy setting up.

“Good, you need any help?”

“No, I’m, all, set.”

I grab a matt and take my spot. Glance at the the ladies around me as I lay my matt, yep saw you, ‘smile ‘; oops caught ya, ‘smile ‘; uh oh, I think Steve was looking at my butt…. Nah. Besides what do I care if he did, I need to focus on the ladies.

Man, this whole yoga thing is harder than it looks. It feels like I am the only person who cannot hold a damn tree pose. But, I gave every move a solid effort. I did try to see good lady booty shots as we moved around. But, after it was over I made a b-line for my locker. I got a towel from the closet and was walking into the showers as Steve entered the locker room. I think I wanted to get out of the shower before Steve got in, but I lost track of time because the shower feels so good. I hope that heaven has hot showers, just saying.

“Is everything alright with you Zach?”

“Oh, hey Steve, sorry I didn’t see you come in.”

“No, not that, I just think you seem different, like distant. Is there anything you want to talk about?”

“Steve, I have found out that I am sick in the head. So, I don’t really know how I’m supposed to act. Sorry, you didn’t ask for that.”

“I don’t really know what you’re talking about, but I know you are suffering from a traumatic event which isn’t actually being, as you say, sick in the head.”

“Ok, how about this one. We have evidence that says the guy I lived with for a year and I, well, thought I was in love with, may not be who I thought he was. I could have a painful memory that I have been blocking from myself. It could be the answer to all of this, but I have no way of finding out what that is. I just want all of this to go away. I think I should go back to dating women so I can just forget all of this shit!” I can see the confusion on Steve’s face. “I don’t know what to think, how I should feel, let alone what to do about any of it. If I wasn’t already crazy, this would certainly make me crazy.”

Steve shook his head. Then he turned to me with sadness in his eyes. “Zach, just breathe, slow down. Try to shut all those thoughts out for a moment.” Steve put a hand on the back of my neck. Close your eyes if you can and listen to just my voice. Hear my voice echo in this space. There is a time and a place that you had a feeling of peace and hope. You had a confidence that was all about you and the things you are proud of. Zach, let these moments guide you through the chaos that tries to rob you of your peace. You are a confident handsome young man who doesn’t need approval to feel at peace. Let all your fear sit to the back and live in your peace.”

Steve removed his hand and I felt like I was floating around the beach and the boat house. I felt good again. Time, I just need time. Steve is busy washing his goods when I open my eyes. “Steve, I needed that. I can’t say that all the other stuff changed, but I don’t feel all crazy about it right now. Thank you.”

Steve smiled a shy smile, “That’s a form of meditation using affirmation. I learned it during a time that I couldn’t contain my thoughts. My wife dying gave me the catalyst to live in an angry depression. I became violent to myself. Once I learned how to quiet those emotions, giving me the time to see past them, I became a loving partner to my wife and friends around me.”

“Wow, you really are incredible Steve.”

Steve and I embraced in a tight bear hug, I had my head on his shoulder feeling the heat from his body. I heard him cough, but then realized someone else had come into the shower room. Steve and I quickly went back to our prospective showers as we all started cracking up. It wasn’t until the we were at the locker that Steve spoke again. “You look better, how do you think you feel?”

“For now, I feel much more relaxed. Hm, don’t know how long it’ll last, but a break is good.”

Steve and I smiled as we started pulling clothes out, “I see ya did your laundry.”

Steve grabbed his junk through his boxer briefs and shook it at me. “This thing is too much of a distraction to just let it roam free all the time.” He winked at me which got a good chuckle.

After we were dressed Steve stopped me before I tried to leave. “As you may have guessed we do communicate with the doctors. I don’t tell them everything, for me it’s more about knowing where my limitations are when I’m talking with people. Well, it’s more than that Zach, you need to come to us when the noise in your head gets too loud, or when you’re heart wakes up and makes you feel like crying. You also need to tell us when you suddenly feel better or excited. What I am describing can be a condition called Manic Depression. There are many ways to treat this condition or any other that may be revealed. Ultimately, it all has to start with you wanting our help. If you choose to follow your own path, we must let you go.” Steve reached out putting his hand warmly between my neck and shoulder. “What will it be Zach.”

“I want all of your help. I feel like I am on a balance beam over a raging fire. I have so much fear and anger. But, Steve” my eyes fill with tears and I begin to have trouble speaking. A second later I gain control, “ I feel like I have so much love inside of me just begging to be released.”

“Oh Zach” Steve brought me in for a long hug, this boy is a hugger, I like that. “You are on the right path, you just need some time to learn how to treat yourself, so you can better treat the ones you love.”

We patted backs and said our goodbyes. I meandered back to my room and laid down for a rest.