Millennium - 35. Chapter 35

December 10, 1999

 

I was sitting in the kitchen with a pad and pen, jotting down notes and ideas about all the shit I was dealing with. Robbie was due back from his visit with his shrink, and I was waiting for him so we could fly back to Malibu, with my small bag packed and sitting next to the table. “You ready to go?” Robbie asked as he came tromping anxiously into the kitchen.

“You’re in a hurry,” I said with a smile. “How was your meeting?”

“We can talk about it in the car. I’ve got an appointment this afternoon that I don’t want to miss,” he said emphatically. Then he softened. “That works for you, doesn’t it?”

“Yeah, that’s fine,” I said. It was really sweet the way he calmed down and took the time to ask about me. He’d taken my new Ferrari to his appointment, but Rafael was going to drive us to the plane. He waited to say anything until we were in the car and it was passing through the gates.

“You doing alright?” he asked me, concerned.

“I feel like my world keeps morphing around me so fast I can’t keep up. I told Stef that everything keeps changing. My business life, my personal life, my family life: all of them are changing. And it’s not like they pause long enough so I can adapt. They just keep on changing.”

“And our relationship is probably the most frustrating thing that changes.”

I looked at him nervously. Did he go see David to figure out how to end things once and for all? Was this it? I shook that off. Even if he were going to do that, he wouldn’t do it now. I knew he loved me more than that, more than to kick me when I was down. Ever since Kevin had hit me with that gut blow last night, Robbie had been nothing but caring. It reminded me of how he used to be, and why I fell in love with him in the first place. “Our relationship can cause me the most pain, and give me the most happiness, sometimes within twenty four hours.”

He laughed at that as he was meant to. “I know it bothered you that I didn’t ask you to go with me to see David.”

I was going to deny it, but that would be a lie. “If you knew that, why didn’t you tell me why you didn’t want me to go? I mean, he’s your shrink. It’s not my place to expect to go.”

“But you did, and I think you did because we were making some progress. You were hoping that maybe David could help us along with that.”

“Alright, here’s what I don’t get,” I said, acting mad when I was being playful. “If you can read my fucking mind so well, why do you piss me off so much?”

“It’s kind of fun to piss you off,” he said, joking back. “The veins in your neck bulge, and it makes you look hot.” Sometimes it was easy to forget how much fun we had just being together.

“Dumb ass,” I said. I moved over and sat on his lap, making him laugh again. “I am so gonna fuck you tonight.” We were having such a good time, really just enjoying each other, that I was almost disappointed when we got to the plane. I followed him up the stairs and collapsed into my seat, and started laughing.

“What’s so funny?”

“We just changed modes of transportation. Remember how when we do that, or come to an intersection, you change the subject, or talk about something serious?” He scowled at me. “You were going to do that, weren’t you?”

“Fucker.” Then he got serious. “I wanted to go see David alone so I could try to get a handle on how I’m feeling. You know how you said you have all these emotions bubbling inside you? Well I’m dealing with the same thing.”

“I think the way you’ve embraced counseling, from the time we got back here after college to now, is one of the coolest things you’ve ever done.”

That got me a nice smile. “Thanks. I had a lot of encouragement.” He winked at me. “My feelings toward you have gone through such highs and lows that I felt I needed to explore that. I needed to get some direction for us, at least from my perspective.”

“I can understand that,” I said, pretending to be stoic. Was he going to break up with me or not?

“I’m really struggling with this open relationship thing. I mean, it’s kind of cool that if there’s a guy I want to fuck around with, it’s nice to know I can. But I’m a pretty jealous guy when it comes to you, so that more than offsets the freedom I get. Plus, and I’m being selfish here, but like I told you, that’s just not my prime objective right now: getting laid.”

“So you want to be monogamous again?” I asked, working to keep my voice completely neutral, not willing to let him see even a little of what I felt.

“See! That’s what you do!” he said, and got all pissed off, only he wasn’t pissed off at me, he was pissed off at what I’d said. I just looked at him, and he shook his head. “I’m sorry; I should have said that’s what we do.”

“It’s OK. What do we do?”

“We have a black or white relationship. There’s no gray area. That’s what David helped me to see today, that we can be more flexible. He helped me come up with an idea.”

“Let’s hear it,” I said, pretending to be enthusiastic when I was filled with dread.

“Alright, but before I do, I want you to know that I’m not mandating anything. I’m just making a suggestion.”

“Well duh. We all know I’m in charge,” I said, joking to lighten the mood. He smiled back at me. “Go ahead.”

“If you want to fuck around with Kevin and Cody, I’m fine with that. They’re both awesome guys, and they’re both friends.” I nodded. “Other than that, we should try to be monogamous. If we fuck up, we admit it, but we try not to. And if another guy comes along like Kevin and Cody, we talk about it.”

“You mean instead of making really firm and inflexible rules, we agree to do our best?” He nodded. “It makes a lot of sense. I need you to help me with this though.”

“How?”

“Help me deal with this fear that it would be easy for you to develop feelings for a guy you fuck around with.”

“More guilt,” he groused.

“No Robbie, I didn’t mean it like that,” I said so sincerely he actually seemed shocked. “I just want you to reassure me.”

He got it then, got where I was going. “Brad, I developed feelings for Carson long before I fucked him. The two aren’t necessarily linked.”

That was a damn good point. I wasn’t sure that it made me feel any better, but it answered that question. “What did David say about me?” I felt like I was in high school, talking about some guy and trying to figure out if he liked me or not.

“He says you need time to heal. I may have described it to him wrong, but after we talked about it, it didn’t seem like it was really the sex with other guys that was so important to you, it was the actual commitment to me you were having problems with.”

I pondered that and nodded, even as my brain was whirling. He watched me as I sat there stunned, giving me time to get my thoughts together. “David pretty much nailed it. Being with other guys isn’t really important to me. You’ve always been all I need.” It was so cute the way he beamed at that. “I guess with Kevin and Cody, sex is part of the way they express friendship. They’re like Stef.”

He snaughed. “No shit. Especially Kevin. All he needs is a billion dollars and a French accent.” We laughed at that, because it was so funny and so true. “I feel like I finally understand where you’re coming from, and it seems so obvious now, it pisses me off that I didn’t get it before. And now that I do, I feel even shittier about all that I’ve put you through.”

“When this stuff landed on me last night, when Kevin dropped those bombshells of info on me, I felt like I’d been really laid low. It was weird, but I almost had a sensation that I was falling. But you caught me, and you were there for me.”

“I’ll always be there for you, Brad.”

“I know. I get that now. You know, when we first started getting together, one of the things that was so irresistibly attractive about you was how caring you were. You are, I mean,” I added hastily. “I can remember times when you’ve just been amazing like that. Like when Greg died. The way you handled Stef was just unbelievable. And like now. It makes me realize how much I really do love you.”

“And it makes it nice when I can show you that I care, and feel that it matters,” he said. I could tell he didn’t really want to say that, that it just slipped out. He must have felt really unappreciated.

But I didn’t want to dwell on that, because it made him seem uncomfortable. “I like your idea.”

“You do?”

“Yeah. I do.” I didn’t point out that it pretty much gave me what I wanted in the first place. “In the past, we haven’t done real well without absolutes. Every time we’ve tried this, tried to give ourselves some freedom, we fuck it up. Maybe this is part of that whole growing and changing thing that’s pulled us apart. Maybe we can handle it now.”

He got a huge grin on his face, and was just ecstatic. I didn’t realize how much this weighed on him: as much or more as it weighed on me. “I’m so desperate to find a way back for us Brad. I really am. I’m hoping this is it.”

“I think it is, because of how we’re thinking about it. Think about how we’ve talked about this, a pretty controversial topic, and neither one of us really got pissed off. That alone is some amazing progress.”

“You are so gonna fuck me tonight,” he said.

“Yeah, but I’m also gonna make love to you.”

December 11, 1999

I stood in front of the mirror, admiring myself and how good I looked in formal attire. The black jacket and trousers were perfectly tailored, and the sleeves rode up just enough to expose my French cuffs and the diamond cufflinks Robbie had bought me.

“You look like a million bucks,” Robbie said, as he came up and stood next to me. We were both glowing; glowing with that feeling of new love, because that’s what it was like. It was like we’d put all the shit of the past five weeks behind us and discovered how much we meant to each other.

“What kind of insult is that?” I joked back. “I’m worth way more than that.” He laughed, and I watched him in the mirror. He was so handsome, and he looked so happy.

“Quit looking at me like that,” he said.

“What? I’m just appreciating what a handsome man you are.”

He blushed. How cute was that? “You look at me like that and it makes me really horny.”

“Everything makes you horny,” I joked. He’d been a fucking animal since we got back. “I’m so glad it does.”

He looked around the room, as if appraising it. “I like this room better too. This was a good idea.” He got a little nervous. “I can still put my stuff in the other room so you have your own space.”

I made him face me and put my hands behind his neck, and then pulled him into a kiss. “I want you here, with me. Period.” It was so awesome to see how happy that made him.

“I still have that apartment downtown,” he said nervously. “I could sublease it if you want me to.”

“What do you want to do?” I asked him. Where was this going? I refused to let it ruin my mood, but I was still a little fragile.

“I was thinking that maybe I’d hang on to it. When I think about having sex in it, the only thing I remember is that one night there with you. It might be nice to have a place to escape to like that during the week, just the two of us.”

“That’s pretty romantic, big guy,” I teased. “You keep this up; we’re going to miss the party.” He chuckled and led me downstairs to the waiting limo. I decided to have some fun with him, so I put up the privacy screen.

“Don’t mess up my outfit,” he joked as I pushed him back into the seat. I kissed him passionately and aggressively. “What are you doing?”

“I’m going to get you all excited, and then I’m going to suck your dick, right here, right now,” I said, in a sultry but aggressive tone.

His eyes got really wide, and then he smiled big. “OK.” I laughed as he unzipped his pants and pulled out his dick. I stroked it lovingly while I kissed him. “You sure you’re not just trying to make sure I behave myself at the party?” he teased, in between moans.

“No, because I have a plan for afterward, and you won’t want to be all worn out,” I told him. I made my hand into the fisting shape and ran it down his chest and, maintaining that shape, ran it up and down his shaft and across its head.

He moaned loudly and thrust forward instinctively. I smiled when I saw a drop of pre-cum on his dick, and keeping my hand in that shape, I slid it across his slit, picking up the pre-cum, and then fed it to him. “Is it OK if I want to do it?” I asked. I knew it was OK; I was just firing him up.

“Hell yes, it’s OK,” he said breathlessly.

“I love to do that, you know. I love to make you feel that good.” I felt him tense up and urgently moved my mouth down to his dick. As soon as I wrapped my lips around him, he blew.

“You drive me fucking crazy,” he said, smiling. “In a good way.”

“Sometimes it’s been in a bad way. Those days are over,” I said.

“I love you so much,” he said. And then he did the sweetest thing ever. A tear fell down his cheek. I kissed it away. “Sorry. Got a little emotional.”

“You know, you’re really just a big Teddy Bear,” I said. “You’re soft and cuddly.” Just then the limo pulled up and stopped. We got ourselves in order just as the driver opened the door, and we walked into a glittering party.

“Stay with me,” he said, as I made to move off and make the rounds. I looked at him, trying to read him, and he smiled. A week ago, I would have thought he was being possessive, or trying to make sure I didn’t fuck around on him. Not tonight. Tonight he just wanted my company.

“OK,” I said. We laughed, joked, and flirted with the Hollywood glitterati, and I got what he wanted. He was telling the world that we were back together again and really happy, and that we were both off-limits. Only it was actually more meaningful than that. This was more his crowd than mine, so he was telling them more specifically that he was unavailable, off limits. It was his public pledge to me that he’d taken our deal seriously.

When we go to parties, I’m usually the one to get fucked up. I just go into party mode, and the next thing I know, I’m a fucking mess. Tonight, I went outside and lit up a joint, which I ended up sharing, and had a few beers, but that was it. Robbie, on the other hand, rarely drinks much. Maybe it was because I wasn’t, or maybe it was because he needed to cut loose, but tonight he really tied one on.

He’d gone off to the bathroom and had been gone for a while. I started to get nervous, so I went off looking for him. I wandered upstairs and came around a corner that was curved and saw Robbie with another guy, talking. They didn’t see me, so I backed up and eavesdropped. I knew it was rude to listen in to other people’s conversations, but I’d rationalized that by deciding that I was a pretty polite guy, and this could be my one acceptable major breach of etiquette.

“Dude, you called me last week. I’ve been looking forward to this for so long,” the other guy said. He had a deep, sexy voice. I moved around the corner a bit to peek and got a sideways view of him. Holy shit, he was handsome. He was tall, probably around 6’4”, with blond hair that was a couple of shades lighter than Robbie’s. He had to have played football or something like that, because the guy was kind of beefy looking. I got a look at his face and it was really unique. He was handsome, but his eyes were really close together, and not just his eyes, but his pupils. If Robbie fucked this guy, I thought, I’d have to cut him some slack.

“Justin, that was before Brad and I got back together. He’s really important to me,” Robbie said, or slurred, more like. I smiled really big at that. Here a blond god was hitting him on, and he says no.

“I’m the best top in town,” he said, with a leer that would have made most guys that bottomed grab their ankles. “You don’t know what you’re missing.”

“I bet you’re really good,” Robbie slurred. I heard him hiccup really loud and had to stifle a giggle. “But I’m already with the best top in town.”

“How do you know unless you try?” Justin persisted. I decided that my drunken lover had taken enough temptation for a night. I strode confidently around the corner.

“There you are,” I said, and put my arm around him supportively. “You hitting on my man, Justin?”

“A little,” he said sheepishly. Robbie was shitting bricks.

“You’re pretty fucking tempting. But he’s a good boy,” I said.

Justin smiled, both because I wasn’t going to be a dick and because I’d stroked his ego. “He said no, and you’d probably say the same thing.”

“Yep,” I said, smiling.

“How about a threesome?” he asked. Just then I felt Robbie tense up below my arm, and then he ran frantically into the bathroom and started puking.

“Don’t take that personally. I kind of like the idea, and I think he does too. Tonight’s probably not the best night though,” I said.

He laughed. “Fine. On to new targets.”

“You going to Jackie’s party next weekend?”

“Yeah. Why?”

“I’ve got someone you need to meet.” He smiled and nodded, and then walked off. I walked into the bathroom and laughed. Robbie was lying on the floor, spread eagled, with vomit still in the corner of his mouth. He was grabbing a handle on the vanity with one hand, as if to stop the room from spinning.

“I’m fucked up,” he said. I laughed so hard I almost puked myself. I grabbed a towel and cleaned him off, then helped him stand up and made sure he looked good. Whenever he puked, for some reason it messed up his hair. I hadn’t figured out how that worked, but it just happened.

“I’ll take care of you,” I told him.

“You always do,” he said, both appreciatively and sadly at the same time.

“And you always take care of me. Come on. Let’s get out of here.” I managed to drag him out to the limo and pour him into the back seat. “You feel OK?”

“I’ll be OK,” he slurred. Then he passed out. It was all I could do to wake him up enough to make him walk when we got home. I had to prop him up with my body, my arm around him, and drag him up to the door. I had a hell of a time with the key, but I finally got the door open and was really glad to find Cody there.

“Dude, you are fucked up,” he said to Robbie.

“Yeah,” he said, then burped, making Cody and I laugh.

Cody got one arm, I got the other, and we dragged him up to our room and tossed him into bed. “I’ve never seen him this fucked up before.”

“I have. He’s actually pretty cute when he’s drunk,” I joked.

“Yes he is,” Cody said, and ran his fingers gently through Robbie’s hair.

Robbie grabbed Cody’s head and pulled him in for a kiss that must have been pretty gross, but Cody didn’t hesitate for a minute. He returned Robbie’s kiss just as passionately. “I’m allowed to fuck you,” Robbie said, cracking me up.

“That’s our new deal. We’re being monogamous except for you and Kevin,” I explained.

“If you want me to, that is,” Robbie slurred, somewhat insecurely.

“Fuck yeah I want to,” Cody said. “Now.” I let Cody work on getting Robbie’s clothes off while I took off mine, making sure I locked my cufflinks back up in the safe where they belonged. I got back to the room and Cody was sprawled across half of Robbie’s body, making out with him. I took that opportunity to go down on Robbie, giving him a blow job like I knew he loved.

“I’ve wanted to fuck you for so long,” Cody said to Robbie, and I smiled. “I’m gonna pound your ass, then it’s Brad’s turn.”

Robbie didn’t say anything; he just rolled onto his side and lifted his leg, giving Cody permission. I moved up and kissed him, making out with him. I felt him tense up as Cody entered him, then relax as he got used to him, then he gave himself over to the pleasure.

Some guys are all about physical stimulation during sex, but for Robbie, the best stimulation is mental stimulation. Cody picked up on that right away. “Fuck you’re hot. You’re hotter than I ever thought you’d be,” Cody said.

“I want you to fuck me while Cody fucks you,” I cooed in his ear. Cody was talking in one ear, raw, sexual talk. In the other ear I was being sexy and loving. It was so fun to watch his mind reel in ecstasy from all the aural stimulation. I lubed him up and turned around, pushing myself back into him. Once he was in, his drunken mind cleared enough to figure out what was going on and he went nuts. It was almost like it was with Kevin, where we both stayed still and let him do the work, only this time he was unhinged. He was slamming into me, and then slamming back into Cody, back and forth, and since he was drunk, he was lasting forever.

For Cody, it was a good fuck. For Robbie, it was a great sexual experience. For me it was so much more. To have him inside me, really excited, so excited that he really couldn’t stop himself, while knowing that Cody was spearing into him, was just unbelievably hot. I loved both of these guys in completely different ways, but sexually, they could take me to nirvana.

Cody came first, blasting into Robbie. It was funny; I could feel how disappointed Robbie was when Cody pulled out of him. I was still so focused on getting fucked that I was pretty surprised when I felt Cody’s mouth on my dick. That pretty much did it for me. I moaned, yelled, and screamed as I blasted my load down Cody’s throat. After I came, Robbie did the sweetest thing. Even though he was drunk, he stopped.

“No baby, go on.”

“It hurts after you cum,” he said.

“Not when it’s you,” I told him.

He let out a cry, not quite a sob, more of an emotional moan, and really went at me for just a few more minutes before he got off too. After that he just wrapped his arms around me, clinging to me. He made me feel totally loved.

“I should go,” Cody said after we were done, feeling like a third wheel.

“Stay, at least for a while,” I said. He made to get up anyway, but Robbie’s hand shot out and gripped his wrist so hard it had to hurt.

“Alright, I’ll stay,” he said. “Thanks for including me.”

“You’re an awesome guy, and a great friend,” I said.

“And a good fuck,” Robbie said, cracking us up.

“You have a date for that big party next Friday?” I asked.

“The Screen Actors Guild thing?” Cody asked. “Nope. You volunteering?”

“Nope,” I said, imitating him. “I’ve got at date. But I’ve got someone I’d like you to take?”

“Who?” he asked nervously.

“Kevin,” I said.

“That dude was so fixated on Lou at Thanksgiving, I didn’t get to spend much time with him,” he said, almost glumly.

“You’re not much of a wolf anymore,” I teased.

“He’s not interested in me,” Cody said. “I can tell.” Matt had told me something a while back about Cody. He said that Cody can read just about anyone, almost read their feelings and thoughts, with one exception. If he was really into the guy, he was clueless.

“You’re probably right. You should just give up,” I said, taunting him. He frowned at me playfully.

“Fine, I’ll squire the pretty boy around. If he doesn’t put out, though, I’m not picking up his bar tab.”

“The drinks are free, dumbass,” I joked.

“We’ll see if he figures that out,” he said with a crafty look.