Millennium - 29. Chapter 29

December 4, 1999

 

“I don’t know if I want to hear about you with other men,” Robbie told me.

“Well, I put up with Carson and I watched you fucking Kenan, so I’ll let you mull that over and decide,” I said, and I didn’t say it nicely. I think it showed both of us that the veneer over my feelings was very thin.

I watched him think quickly, trying to decide whether to fight on this or not, and he wisely chose not to. “I’m sorry. It makes me jealous. And yes, I know this was my stupid fucking idea to sleep with other guys, and yes I know that I deserve it, that I probably deserve to hear how they gave you better fucking orgasms than I ever could, but I don’t want to.”

“No one has ever given me better orgasms than you,” I said, looking into his eyes to make sure he knew how sincere I was. “Not even Cody.”

“You slept with Cody?” he asked. I’d already told him that. He was so upset it was like he had to relive this whole thing all over again.

“He actually let me fuck him,” I said. I’d thrown that out there to deflect his jealousy, to make it more of a sport and less about sex. It worked.

“Wait a minute, you topped Cody? With your big dick? Can he still walk normally?” We laughed at that.

“It was actually really nice of him to do it, and after the first time, it got easier.”

“After the first time? How many times did you fuck him?” He caught my look and beat a hasty retreat, but I wasn’t letting him off that easy.

“Do you see Cody and me running off together as lovers, as a couple?” I demanded.

“I don’t know,” he said.

“You do know; you just know I’m going to win this argument. Cody is one of my best friends, he’s a great lay, and there’s a lot of love between us, but it’s the love of friendship and caring, not the kind of love that you and I share.”

“I guess I see that,” he said.

“Was it a possibility that you could run off with Carson and leave me in the dust?” I demanded.

“I got it,” he said, pissed off.

“I don’t think you do,” I said, even more pissed than him, and that backed him up. “I don’t think you get it at all. The guys that I had meaningful sex with could never evolve into a relationship that would threaten us. Never. That’s the big fucking difference. So after you check your fucking attitude at the door, I’ll have this conversation with you.”

I got up to storm out of the pool when I felt his hand grab my arm. “You’re not going anywhere!” I gave him an evil look, challenging him. “Remember, you have to do what I say, and no bitching.” He smiled slightly to make it a bit of a joke. He was trying to get through this, so I gave in, but I was still pissed off. I just sat in the pool glaring at him. “Tell me about Cody.”

“Cody came up to see me after you left for Cancun.” There was no way to keep the bitterness out of my voice. “He told me that I was hot, that he always wanted me to fuck him, and he pushed the button that gave me my self-respect back. I will never be able to repay him for that.”

“Your button? What, he hit your prostate?” he joked.

“My pride, dumb ass. Cody gave me back my pride. He was the guy that made me realize that I have a lot to offer, and he helped me understand what you were going through. I had all but written you off before I was with him.” I smiled thinking about him. “He centered me, helped me get back to where I needed to be. That even keel, that was invaluable.”

“So when’s the last time you fucked him?” he asked.

“Last week,” I said.

“And you think it should be OK for you to keep fucking him?”

“Actually, I do. He’s a good friend, a great lover, and he’s been in my corner, there to help with all this stuff, the whole time. Cody expresses love with his dick. Or his ass. He said he was going to tell Max I was turning him into a bottom.”

Robbie laughed at that, and then got all defensive. “Did you sleep with Max?”

“I did,” I said.

His eyes flashed fire at that. The only one I could have slept with that would make him more pissed off was Matt. “Why aren’t you with him then? He would have treated you so much better than I did. You probably made a really stupid decision all those years ago,” he said. He’d started off pissed, but he’d said that last sentence somberly. I reminded myself that my objective wasn’t to bring him down.

“He probably would have,” I agreed. “He probably would have been incredibly stable, and a loyal and loving partner. But being with Max, as fun as he was, convinced me that I made the right choice all those years ago.”

“I don’t get it,” he said.

“Baby, you challenge me. You’re sometimes hard to hang on to, but the ride is a blast. You push both of our boundaries, and you’re taking me to places I never dreamed I could go to. Sometimes the ride gets a little rough, sometimes there are some big dips, but the highs are much more common, and they’re worth every one of the dips.”

He got a huge grin. “You think you’re the one who can keep me under control?”

“God, I hope not,” I said, and gave him a kiss. “Max reminded me of what the alternative would be if I had a more conventional relationship. I don’t want that.”

“I think I understand,” he said. “Who else?”

“Kevin.”

That got a big grin from him. “No argument there.”

“I walked into a room with fifty gay guys and hit on him. There were lots of hot guys there, guys in their twenties or even late teens, and he could have had his pick of any of them. Here I am, and I’m almost twice his age, yet he chose me. And after I fucked him, you know what he told me? I swear I’ll never forget it. I’m going to have it engraved on my headstone. He said that before me, he’d only been with boys, and now he felt like he’d finally been with a man.”

“That’s a pretty nice thing for him to say, but I can see why he would. You are an amazing lover.”

I gave him a nice smile to thank him for that. “So after all this shit started, Cody helped restore my pride, Max reminded me of why I chose you in the first place, and Kevin picked my battered sexual ego off the ground and dusted it off.”

“Brad, I’ve told you I fucked up, but in case you don’t know, I’ll tell you again. I fucked up. I fucked up bad. The worst I ever have. And I’ve told you I’m sorry, but maybe I haven’t been clear enough. I’m so fucking sorry I can’t stand it. I feel like total shit for what I did. And you have to know, you can’t even have a question in your mind, that I love you.”

“I believe all those things,” I said.

“So why do you need those guys?” He reminded me of David when he did that, laying out the rationale and then springing the trap, but this wasn’t about semantics.

“I told you, I’m not going back into this thing half a man. My pride isn’t fully restored, my sexual ego is still fragile, and sometimes you really piss me off, like you did just a few minutes ago, I need a reminder why I’m with you.”

“Is that all?” He stared at me. “Are there any more?”

“There are two guys I’ve blown more than once. One is really important to me; the other is just adorable.”

“You blowing someone doesn’t bother me as much,” he said. “Fuck, blow jobs are fun. Fucking, that’s more meaningful.”

“You think we’re mature enough to go down that road?” I asked.

“You’re slamming me about Gary again,” he said, really pissed.

“You weren’t listening. I said ‘we’. I want you to think about that, not just from your perspective, but from mine.”

He thought about that. “All right, I’ll ponder that.” We both floated there, saying nothing for a bit, until he broke the silence. “Who are these guys?”

“The first one is actually a minister,” I said.

“You’re blowing a priest?”

“No, dumbass, a minister. I’ve gotten involved in this mission in East Hollywood. You know, it’s the same one that Jeff and Drew came from. The guy who runs it is this really cute minister. He’s so innocent, it’s almost weird.”

“You really like this guy,” Robbie said accusingly.

“You have to meet him Robbie. His name is Tim. He’s the most interesting person you’ll encounter. He’s so calm, so centered, it’s like there’s an aura around him. He’d never make the moves on me, never. He’s so innocent and virginal. I blew him a few times and it was meaningful, because I like the guy. He’s not really an issue though, because if we’re back together, he won’t want to be with me anyway.”

“I don’t want you to be with anyone, but this guy scares me just because of the way you talk about him. You could really be into him.”

I looked at him, tried to stop myself, but couldn’t. “And now you know how I felt.” He cringed, and I felt bad for pushing too hard. “We would never get more serious, because he doesn’t believe in mixed marriages.”

“What, he’s a bigot? Is he Black? Asian? Latino?”

“No, he’s a Christian, and I’m an Atheist.” He looked at me, thought about it for a second, and started laughing. Really laughing.

“So who’s the other guy?”

I smiled. “A really hot hockey player. He’s really cute. He just likes to get his dick sucked.”

“It’s not Matt is it? Please tell me that you didn’t fuck Matt.”

“It’s not Matt, and no, I didn’t fuck him.”

“All these guys, I’m seeing that it’s not so big of a deal. But if you’d have fucked Matt, I don’t know if I’d be able to forgive you.”

“If we weren’t together, I would. He’s really attractive, because he reminds me enough of you that it would help fill my need for you, but he’s different enough that it wouldn’t have been gross.” He got pissed off at that. “I’m not trying to blackmail you, I’m just being honest. Haven’t you ever fantasized about fucking Stef or JP?”

“Well yeah,” he said.

“You didn’t, did you?”

“No.”

“Probably about as similar an analogy as I can give you,” I said matter of factly.

“What if I meet a guy I want to mess around with?” he asked.

“I’m not going there. You fuck around with Kevin, I’m fine with that. You fuck around with Max and Cody, I’m fine with that. Anyone else, I’m not fine with.”

“How is it fair that you get to pick all of the guys we get to fuck?” he demanded.

“Let’s go back to that part where you admitted that you fucked up and you were sorry,” I snapped. He got all pouty. “Look Robbie, I’m sorry I keep throwing this in your face, but you just don’t seem to get it. I was down, I was so low it was scary, and these guys saved me. They’re my life-support right now. None of them are a threat to us. Anyone you find will be. You know it, and I know it.”

“I need to think about this,” he said, all pissed off.

“Alright, think about this,” I said. He thought I was going to lay into him, when I dropped a soft ball in his lap. “Think about how fucking hot it would be to have a foursome with Max and Cody.”

He looked up at me, kind of surprised, and then smiled big. “I see your point.” We floated around for a bit, and I watched his mind processing things. “I’m going to go for a run.”

“I’ll be here, like a slug.” He laughed.

He was gone for a while, a long while, but I knew him. I’d thrown some serious shit at him, and he needed to digest it. He needed to try and grapple with not just where I was coming from, but where he was coming from. I went into the bedroom and sprawled on the bed. When I heard him come in, I struck a sexy pose. I heard him clomp around the villa, go outside, and he finally found me in the bedroom, naked.

I motioned him over to the bed and pulled his jogging shorts and jock strap down. “I love the way you smell right after you work out.” And I blew him, really putting my all into it. When he got ready to cum, I pulled his cock out of my mouth and started stroking it, while I looked up and locked my eyes on his. I stroked him until he blew all over my face, my neck, and my chest.

“No one does that like you do,” he said, smiling. “I need a shower.”

“So do I,” I said.

“So that’s why you wanted me to blow all over you, so you would have to take a shower with me?”

“Yeah, and because it was hot,” I said, and followed him into the shower. We washed off and he gave me a great hand job. He got his stomach and my back all soapy and then stood behind me, letting me feel our bodies slide against each other as he jacked me off. We threw on our robes and went out onto the deck, and just sat there looking out at the sunset while we drank a couple of beers.

“I thought about what you said, and I can’t do it. I mean, if you want to have sex with someone else with me, I’m fine with that. But I can’t deal with you having sex with someone else when I’m not there,” he stated. His tone was firm, and indicated that there was no negotiating room in his position at all.

So many emotions flew through my body. Anger that he thought he had the right to set the rules like this when he’d broken them in the first place. Sadness over what this would probably mean for us. And more anger and disappointment, that he didn’t see what I needed, and was once again was putting himself first. But despite those raging emotions, I somehow managed to stay calm, something I needed to work on doing more often anyway. “Explain that.”

“I spent some time with David on the phone, and I did a lot of soul searching. When I first told you what I liked about Carson, I told you it was because he let me be dominant. I told you that because that’s what I thought at the time. And I’ve given you all this shit about being in charge, but when I was running today, I realized that’s not what it is at all.”

I nodded. “So you finally figured it out huh? And me bottoming won’t solve the problem?”

He smiled to thank me for listening to him and for keeping things light. “I have. I don’t need you to be dominant or submissive; I need you to need me.”

“I don’t get it,” I told him, truly stunned. “How could you think I don’t need you? You’re my rock. You’re my soul mate.” He wanted to say something, but he was nervous, and I knew why. I’d been so frayed by all this shit; I was likely to bite his head off. “Go ahead Robbie. Say what you want to say. I’ll hear you through, and I promise I won’t get pissed off until the end.”

He gave me that impish grin. “You’re such a strong person. You’re like JP, but without his cool reserve. When there’s a problem, you solve it. When something breaks, you know how to fix it. When I need you, or anyone else needs you, you’re there.”

“Thanks,” I said. It was a nice thing to say.

“You’re welcome. But the problem is it makes you seem like an island. What do you need me for? You’ve got it all under control. And half the time, you’re helping me out, wiping my ass, so to speak.”

“Alright, maybe I do all those things, and maybe I am like JP. It’s how I was brought up, almost how I was trained. But I need you. If you’re not there, I can’t be that strong.”

“Yes you can, or at least it seems that way. You ask me what it was about Carson that attracted me. He needed me, and it seemed like you didn’t.” I was about to say something but he stopped me. “I didn’t realize how wrong that was until I’d already fucked us up. I see that now. But you wanted to know why I never did shit like this before, taking you away for a weekend. I guess I just figured that you’d plan something out if you wanted to do it. You had it all under control.”

It would be really easy to just look at him and tell him he was full of shit, but feelings aren’t like that. “So you’re saying somehow along the way, you felt like you became a junior partner in our relationship?”

“No, it’s not necessarily a control thing,” he said. He was frustrated because he couldn’t explain it. “This whole thing with Amphion. You’ve been all wound up in that, and you didn’t really talk about it with me until it was almost over. Why?”

“It was business; I didn’t want to bother you.”

“You didn’t need my help,” he said sadly.

“Yeah, and in the end, you were the one who figured out it was Dan Church,” I said. “I guess that was pretty stupid of me not to get your input. And then you came up with that kick ass idea to give Brandon that watch.” He smiled. “On the other hand, you had a lot of conflict in the office over those two shitty movies, and you didn’t mention it to me, either.”

“I’m not trying to throw shit at you, I don’t want you to think I’m trying to blame you or make you feel guilty.”

“No, I got that,” I said. “You’re telling me how you feel, and I appreciate that. It sounds like we both got involved in our careers and were busy doing our own things and we grew apart.”

“And when we’re at home, you’re the one in charge.”

“That’s not true,” I said. “Jeanine’s in charge of the kids. And I let you have input into what goes on.”

“You ‘let’ me have ‘input’?” he asked, raising his eyebrow to challenge me.

I stared at him. I wanted to sarcastically scream that he was right, that I was a castrating bitch, and to be all self-righteous about it, but he had me, my own words gave it away. “Wow,” I said incredulously as I stared at him. He didn’t give me a smart ass look to burn it in either, he just gave me an appreciative look, thanking me for getting it.

“Jeanine really cares about you, but you do this to her too.”

“Is that why she always gives me dirty looks?” I asked bitterly. Another person who didn’t like me.

“Probably. She takes care of the kids, and she does a great job, but they know that you make the ultimate calls. The worst one is Will. He all but disregards her, kind of like you do.” I just stared at him, my mouth on the floor.

“Why do you guys stick around, if I’m such a domineering bastard?” I asked, pissed off. This assault was hitting too close to home.

“Brad, that’s not fair. Come on, I’m trying to be honest with you, not insult you. Don’t you get it? No one loves you more than I do.” I smiled at him. “You’re just mad because I’m hitting your ego pretty hard.”

“Kind of like a sledgehammer through my head. I could be a Ferrari,” I joked.

“Yeah, and when we’re done talking, I’ll fix your windshield,” he said lovingly, making me giggle like a girl. “You’re not perfect, but If we put all the good things possible in a person in a bucket, and take out a thimble full, there’s still a lot left.” He smiled, boosting me up and using an analogy similar to the one I used when I talked about our love. “So now do you see why what you’re proposing with these guys won’t work for me?”

“I’m not sure,” I said. I kind of got it, but I wanted to make sure.

“You just told me that you have these three guys, and you need them to support you. You need Cody for your pride, Kevin for your sexual ego, and Max to validate the decisions you made. What the fuck am I good for then?”

“So you realize that you were needed after all?” I joked.

“Yeah, I get that.”

I thought about what he said, and got a serious look on my face. It reflected the introspection I was going through inside. “I appreciate where you are, and I think it’s really great that you opened up about all this shit.”

“But,” he said, knowing that was coming.

“But you want me to turn on a dime, and I’m just not there yet. If I said to you right now that I’d go back to the way we were, I’d be really unhappy. I haven’t worked my anger and frustration out of my system yet. I haven’t gotten back to a point where I can make that kind of commitment.”

“I don’t get it,” he said. “I don’t understand.”

“Before this shit happened, I was totally committed to you, completely committed. You’re saying that you don’t think I needed you, well you’re wrong. I did. I relied on you more than you can know. It’s like you were my foundation, and when that was pulled away from me, my whole world fell apart.”

“It didn’t seem that way sometimes,” he said bitterly.

“You know, that’s really bullshit,” I said, trying not to get too pissed off. “You know me almost as well as I know myself. You know how I am. I’m not always real sensitive, and I don’t always take the time to thank you for all the shit you do for me, the emotional and psychological support you give me. I’m sorry about that. But you know damn well that I needed you, and you knew how important you were to me.”

“Not anymore,” he said, switching to pity.

I really had to work at not getting mad. “We’re here, both of us trying to desperately make this work because we know how good it can be, and how right we can be for each other. Even when I was the most pissed off at you, you were still the most important person in my life. I still called you, I still needed you.”

“I don’t see how sleeping with other guys makes it easier for us to work our way back,” he said.

“For you, it probably doesn’t. For me, it does. I understand that you see this shit from your own perspective. That’s fine. You fucked up. You said you were sorry. You’ve done a bunch of shit to prove to me that you love me. That should be enough.”

“Yeah. That sounds reasonable,” he said, smiling slightly.

“It is, only it’s not resonating inside me. It’s been the month from hell, and you want me to cram myself back into a box that seemed to fit me so well before, but somehow it didn’t really fit at all. I can’t just move that fast. I can’t make those kinds of emotional leaps.”

“So you’re saying that unless I agree that you can fuck other men, we can’t be together?”

“I’m saying that I can’t completely commit to you yet. Don’t you get that? You have to give me time to get there again.”

“You don’t want to just be with me?”

I sighed. “Robbie, if I promised we’d get back together right now, the way I feel, I’d end up cheating on you. That’s something I’m not going to do. That’s a betrayal of trust we’d have a hard time getting over.”

“You’d cheat on me? So I’m not good enough to keep you happy?”

“That’s bullshit. For fourteen years I was completely faithful. No fuck-ups, not even when I was sorely tempted. I liked it, I was happy with it, and I’ll probably be happy with it again. But I’m not ready to put those chains back on again. Not yet.”

“What if I don’t want to give you that time? I mean, I’m supposed to just go beat off while you fuck other guys? That’s not fair.”

“You want me to come up with a solution for this one, I will, but don’t go turn it around on me and make it seem like I’m a castrating bitch,” I said, losing some of my patience.

“Let’s hear it,” he said.

“I’ll give you two options to choose from. Option one, is that Kevin and Cody are free game, anyone else we fuck, we do it together. Option two, is that it’s open season for another month, just like we’ve been doing.”

“So this is an ultimatum?”

“You just asked me to come up with solutions, and I did. Now you’re accusing me of throwing an ultimatum at you?”

“Well one is that you get to fuck these two other guys, and the other is that we’ve basically broken up. I’d call that a fucking ultimatum.”

“Breaking up means we’re not fucking each other. I don’t want that. I’m not asking you for that. I’m just asking you for a little more time, another month, to work this through.”

“I don’t think it’s fair,” he said.

“I didn’t think it was very fair either, when you unilaterally changed the rules on me on November 2. So I’m not overly sensitive to your outrage over this,” I snapped.

“You’re never going to forgive me for this are you?” he asked. “Just like Gary and Neil, you’re going to throw it in my face every time you’re pissed at me.”

This is not how I wanted to spend this time with him, here on this idyllic island. This was not healthy for either one of us. I needed to lighten the mood. “Not every time I’m pissed at you,” I teased. “You want to go back in time and I can’t, not yet, I need time to work back to where we were.”

“Another month,” he groused.

“You got a month for your experiment, it seems only fair that I get one for my psyche,” I told him. “Look, I think we both need to think about this. Can we just try and enjoy our time here, together? We don’t have to solve all our problems right now.”

“You’re probably right,” he said.