The Next Stage - 4. Shout-out to God

“Is Ryan coming?”

“Nope. He was up until 4am, so he’s sleeping. I’ve set an alarm on his phone for midday and I’ll have to send you back to get him before the show.” Jasper answers as he climbs in the front passenger seat.

“Tell me you were up until 4 finally getting laid.” Leo jokes. Jasper scoffs and shakes his head, looking out the window. “I take it he’s still stressing about your baby.”

“Yeah, you would think he’d have chilled out about it by now. Like, he was at the second appointment with Grace and he asked the doctor there a thousand questions. Basically, they just got told what I already suspected, that maybe there were a few days between ‘insemination’ and impregnation. And maybe bub is just small. The doctor even said the baby went from measuring like 3-4 weeks behind our suspected dates, to measuring only 2 week and 5 days behind. So, baby is growing and healthy, just measuring smaller. He even went to Luke and Fi’s and apparently Fluke was a small baby all the way through as well, even that didn’t help him relax. It’s as if every time someone reassures him every is fine, he goes looking for contradictive information and panicking about things that we’ve already been assured aren’t the reason bub is small. We’re just having a small baby. It’s just growing at their own rate in there and no amount of vitamins and dietary suggestions Ryan can give Grace, is going to make enough of a difference to be worth worrying about. I thought my insomnia was bad, but he’s been an absolute google doctor lately and it just doesn’t stop. He’s up literally all night. I don’t even know what he’s looking up anymore because I’m pretty sure he’s read everything he can possibly find on what causes delayed foetal growth and why a foetus might measure smaller than the expected age.”

“Sounds like you’ve been reading up too.” Leo comments.

“Of course.”

“That surprises me. I didn’t take you for the baby book reading type.”

“Well, if I was in any way maternal, I wouldn’t worry about it. But I’m pretty sure I’m going to be the parent that just stares at the baby confused all the time like ‘how am I just expected to keep it alive and know why it’s crying?’ I don’t want to be useless.” As far as he was concerned, he couldn’t do anything about the pregnancy. That was underway and just going to play out, good or bad, so it wasn’t productive to stress about it. He wanted to know everything so he could be a good dad when they had to leave the hospital with the full-time for the next 18+ years child.

“It’s going to be weird seeing you with a baby.”

“I know, it’s getting a bit real now. Only a few months to go until my sister gives birth to my husband’s baby.” Jasper sighs and stretches his arms out. “You’re going to have to take me out a lot more before the baby comes. My chances to get out will be a lot less frequent very soon. I’ve got 3 years worth of partying to get out of my system.”

“Is Ryan ok with that plan?”

“Well, he’s my husband, not my boss, so it’s not up to him. Frankly I’d be surprised if he noticed I was gone.” Jasper says sarcastically. They weren’t fighting, but they weren’t particularly talking either. It’d been like this since their trip home. Ryan had been obsessively focused on researching and house hunting and Jasper had been trying to think about anything else. The stress was exhausting and really keeping them apart in terms of love and intimacy. Jasper went to bed on his own most nights and more frequently than not, he woke up to find Ryan had fallen asleep on the couch. He knew they were headed this way, but he assumed and lived for waking up and finding Ryan asleep in a rocking chair holding their sleeping infant. Not clutching his phone, attached to the charger because he’d spent the night trying to justify his anxiety with outdated and unrelated information.

“Even if he’s stressed that doesn’t give him the right to not be attentive to you. I’ve had more quality time with strangers than you have with your own husband, on this tour.” Leo states, intending on that helping to get across his point.

“Nice subtle way to rub it in.” Jasper laughs. “I guess we have to get used to it though. We’re not going to be less stressed for the next 18 years.”

“Exactly. That’s why right now you two should be making the most of it. You two have this ridiculous amount of chemistry and the sexual tension between the two of you makes me feel like I've been the one getting edged for months.” Jasper rolls his eyes at Leo, but all of what he’s saying is agonizingly true. “I’m serious, it’s like he thinks marriage is the end of having to put in effort. That man needs to step up and take care of you.”

“We’re fine, it’s just difficult right now.”

“You just said he wouldn’t notice if you were gone.”

“I was being dramatic moron. Besides, he doesn’t know this but when we visit Australia, I’ve booked us a few days in the Whitsundays. We've got a whole island to ourselves for 3 days.”

“Want me to get you some handcuffs?”

“Drastic measures to keep him off his phone or my laptop or just Google in general.” Jasper laughs.

“I can teach you how to hog tie him, if you want?” Leo offers. Jasper looks at him shocked and a little impressed by the skill level that must take.

“No thanks.”

“Get a spreader bar and...”

“No.”

“You’re no fun.”

“Look, his anxiety is pretty under control as long as he’s not in any situation where he feels like he can’t do anything. Which is probably why this pregnancy is triggering him so much.” Jasper sighs. He felt for Ryan. He knew he himself was struggling to separate what he logically could do, from what he wished he could do to help out with the baby right now and take away some of the pressure Grace was under. For Ryan’s sake, too. He knew if they weren’t on tour, Ryan could see Grace and make it to every appointment and he’d feel closer to what was going on. But he couldn’t just drop the next 4 months of tour, not without giving reason. They’d made it this far without anyone who wasn’t meant to know, finding out about their marriage and the surrogacy. Though he understood why Ryan was frustrated that Jasper was putting all his energy into shows and not about the baby, he wished Ryan could understand that this part of their life was so incredibly fleeting, and stop making the tour so mentally tiring.

They spent 2 years unable to go anywhere, and Jasper had half seriously had a plan of legally marrying Ryan all over the globe before settling down into parenthood. He’d wanted this time to be fun, carefree. To bring them closer and cement their strength and love as a now married couple, before complicating that with sleepless nights and baby vomit.

“Fine, you with a spreader bar.” Leo suggests with a smirk. Jasper had tuned out of the conversation, but apparently Leo was not done giving him ideas for how to spend his honeymoon. “This silence is very telling.” Leo states as he glances at Jasper, just to find him staring out the window, distracted.

“It’s really not.”

“So, Ryan’s not into that stuff, but you are.”

“I didn’t say that.”

“Ok, but you also aren’t denying it.”

“Blocking you out now.” Jasper warns, taking his headphones from his pocket.

“I’ll get it out of you when you’re drunk later.”

“Speaking of which, can we agree, that Ryan doesn’t need to know that I’ll be drinking?”

“It’s not my job to ruin your marriage with honesty.” Leo shrugs.

“Fuck off. We’re honest with each other. I just don’t want him worrying about anything else right now and he’ll worry about me because I can’t just drink without him thinking I’m relapsing. It’s only one night and I am not even planning on getting hammered, just a couple of drinks and I’ll sober up before I get home. That way I can have fun and let loose a little bit, and he doesn’t have to add me to his list of problems to solve right now.”

“Hey sexy, how are you? I miss you?” Jasper whines into the phone as he stumbles into a room and closes the door, trying to shut out the noise of the party.

“Uh, hey there. You sound drunk.”

“You’re not mad, are you?”

“No, are you feeling ok though?”

“Ry~”

“Yeah?”

“I love you.”

“I love you too. Do you need me to come and get you?” Ryan offers.

“Oooh, I would fucking love that! I’m pretty sure you’re my favourite person in the whole universe. No, you are my universe. You are all the stars and planets and…”

“Are you drunk or high?”

“Yes.”

“Ok. It’s going to be one of those nights.” Ryan surprises Jasper by laughing. Jasper is so relieved to hear Ryan laughing, that he almost forgets he needs to actually hold his phone. He fumbles to catch it as it falls from his grip.

“I love you~” Jasper sighs. “I can’t wait to be a dad with you. It’s going to be amazing. I think I’ll fall in love with you all over again when I see you hold our baby.” Jasper smiles to himself. Ryan doesn’t reply. “Ry?” Jasper looks at his phone only to realize he had accidentally hung up on him. “This bitch needs water,” he mutters to himself, rubbing his forehead.

“Hey, you’re here.” Leo looks relieved as Ryan approaches. “Ok.” Leo lowers his voice and steps away from Jasper, slinging his arm over Ryan’s shoulders to talk to him quietly. “So, I left him alone, and he left his drink unattended and is now completely off his face. I’m really sorry.”

“Seriously? Any idea what he’s had?”

“Seems a bit like an LSD trip to me, there’s been a few people here taking it, so that’s my guess. He’s ok, just...” Leo and Ryan both just stop to look at Jasper who is staring intensely at the wallpaper and slowly reaching out towards it like he’s nervous to actually touch it, then he laughs and steps back, before getting really serious and stepping back towards the wall and raising a hand again. “He’s on a different planet.”

Ryan shakes his head and walks over. “Jas, you ready to go?” he asks, putting an arm around Jasper’s waist. Jasper turns around and his mouth falls open as he sees his husband.

“Hi~ Fuck! You’re gorgeous. Does God know you’re here?” Jasper puts his hand on Ryan’s face, not sweetly caressing him, but just slapping his hand on Ryan’s cheek and leaving it there.

“Lets get you home.” Ryan suggests.

“I don’t have a home. I’m like a bird, I just fly wherever the wind takes me. Like a fish, letting the current guide me.” Jasper takes his hand off Ryan’s face and gestures vaguely at nothing, although in his head he clearly thought he was looking at something. “I have a question. Now, please understand, I am a good person and I care a lot about everyone, but I think I’m gay. Will your boss still take me to Heaven?” Jasper asks with such a serious expression that Ryan for a moment thinks he’s the one out of his mind, that maybe he’s hallucinated the whole relationship.

“Come with me. I’ll take you there right now.” Ryan extends a hand, getting into whatever world Jasper was in, so he could get him out of here and home with the least amount of drama. Jasper looks at Ryan’s hand curiously then takes it, dissolving into a fan-girl-ish giggle the moment he does.

“Leeee~ I’m touching an actual angel!” Jasper says dreamily, his other hand reaching beside Ryan as if trying to touch something. “How do your wings do that?!”

“Do you need any help getting him to the car?” Leo offers.

“I think we’ll be right, I’ve got a taxi waiting outside.” Ryan shrugs and starts leading Jasper out.

“Have a good night, I’ll see you tomorrow.” Leo calls out, disappearing back into the party.

“I can’t believe you’ve chosen me. I feel so honoured.” Jasper sighs as he follows Ryan out of the building.

“I’ll always choose you.”

“You will!?” Jasper gasps.

“Even against my better judgement.” Ryan comments, promptly loading Jasper into the back seat and climbing in after him.

“Are you God?” Jasper asks the taxi driver, who reacts like someone who hears this every night, with absolutely no response. Ryan gives the address and wishes he was in the back of Leo’s car right now, where he could be comforting and affectionate with Jasper, but luckily Jasper seemed to have no clue where he was, let alone who he was with so he spent the drive merely staring out the window in awe of the world around him.

They arrive back at the hotel they were staying in and it’s only after Ryan turns the lights on in the room that Jasper becomes aware of his surroundings, as he stands before a bed in a pretty average hotel room.

“Oh, oh my god. Are we going to fuck?” Jasper asks, staring at the bed and swaying a little, he didn’t sound concerned either way, which made Ryan thankful that he’d picked Jasper up. To have had his drink spiked was a pretty clear indication that someone else had wanted him to not care what was going on.

“Absolutely not.” Ryan rolls his eyes and kicks his shoes off. He wasn’t upset that Jasper went out with Leo, he wasn’t even upset about him wanting to drink. But even though Jasper really had very little experience with the social party life-style, Ryan was sure he’d know better than to not be diligent about keeping his drink close and not returning to it if he’d left it somewhere. That was a pretty basic thing to know.

“Can I sleep then? I’ve always wanted to know what it feels like to fall asleep in a cloud.” Jasper turns to Ryan with such an uncharacteristically dorky smile that Ryan finally breaks and laughs. They could talk about his mistake another time, but right now, they were both here together and Jasper was safe, and completely off his face high. Ryan might as well enjoy witnessing it, there was nothing more he could do now.

“That must have been some good shit they put in your drink,” he comments.

“Oh no, I don’t drink. Alcohol is the devil’s juice.” Jasper doesn’t lie on the bed, instead opting for the floor, where he strokes the carpet. “This is amazing. Thank you for bringing me here.” At that, Ryan joins him on the floor, staring up at the ceiling and wishing he was on whatever level Jasper was on. “Do you believe in true love?”

“I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t.” Ryan answers, looking over at Jasper.

“Awwww~” Jasper turns his head and looks into Ryan’s eyes, though clearly not looking at him, his eyes were bloodshot and glassy and Ryan could see him struggling to concentrate. “I like you.” Jasper hums and turns his head towards the ceiling again, reaching up and trying to grab at... Nothing?

“I sure hope so, we’re married.”

“No way.” Jasper sits bolt upright and stares at Ryan wide eyed, before falling over.

“Yes, way.”

“I’m married to you?”

“Yes.”

“For real?”

“Absolutely.” Ryan nods. Jasper shakes his head slowly, processing this.

“Wow.” He breathes. For a moment, Ryan is wondering if Jasper is about to say something sweet, like in videos of people coming off anesthetic after surgery and commenting on how incredible their partners were. “Who’s dick did I have to suck to earn you?” But of course, even tripping, Jasper wasn’t good at the whole, being sweet thing.

“Mine.”

“Have I? Wow.” Jasper nods, taking it all in. “I’m so lucky, shout-out to God for letting me blow one of his angels. I must have done something good in a past life.” Jasper lies back down slowly and closes his eyes. Just like that, passing out.

“Good morning.” Ryan smiles as Jasper rolls out of bed, rubbing his throbbing head.

“Oh god.” Jasper lies back down, cuddling into the blankets.

“Let's not start that again.” Ryan smirks and sips at his coffee. “Did you have fun last night?”

“How bad was I? On a scale of reasonably bad to…”

“You were convinced I was an angel or a messenger of God, asked if you’d go to Heaven even though you ‘think I’m gay’. Then when I reminded you, we are married, you asked who’s dick you had to suck to end up married to me and I quote, because I’ve been thinking about this comment all night, ‘shout-out to God for letting me blow one of his angels’, actually came out of your mouth.” Ryan answers. Jasper cringes but can’t help but laugh at himself.

“Oh no. I’m. That’s. I have no words. Sorry.”

“Luckily for you, I was very amused by the whole thing.” Ryan shakes his head at Jasper. “How are you feeling now, though?”

“Other than mortified? I feel ok.” Jasper answers with a yawn. “What’s the time? When are we out of here?” He asks.

“We’ve got an hour until we need to get ready to go.” Ryan walks over and places his coffee on the bedside table, then pulls back the blankets and gets in bed with his husband. He kisses him gently on the lips then starts crawling down under the blankets to illicit some more shout-outs to God.

“Pain killers, greasy food just because it magically cures hangovers, contact lenses to cover your bloodshot eyes, breath mints to counteract the food and today’s list of questions for the interview. I’ve also got you a single shot coffee because I’m sure you’re still feeling a little jittery and you don’t need the extra caffeine right now.”

“You’ve thought of everything. You are incredible.” Jasper states, throwing down the pain killers and getting started on the burger Leo had gotten him while he scans through the list of questions, crossing out anything about Blake, and anything about his relationship status.

“Now who’s the real-life angel?”

“Was I as bad at the party as I was with Ryan?” Jasper asks.

“I don’t know how bad you were with Ryan. But you did make someone cry last night.”

“Oh, what? How? Did I hurt someone?”

“No, he was tripping balls too and you asked him if mosquitos suck blood, does that mean that they shit blood too, and it just threw him to the point of tears.” Leo laughs and Jasper just stares at him, afraid of himself actually, for asking such a question because now he needed to know the answer. “They don’t. I had to look it up. So, thanks for that being in my search history. The excrete iron pellets.”

“Well. Whatever I took, never let me have that again.”

“You seemed like you were having fun.”

“I honestly don’t remember anything. Other than sounds and people looking fuzzy and glowy.” Jasper shrugs.

“Yeah well, next time you’re out, don’t put your drink down when you go to the toilet.”

“I thought that wouldn’t be an issue at a high-class party.”

“Don’t forget the rich have more access to drugs, and lawyers to cover for the shit they do. Assume nowhere is safe and get yourself a new drink. When I found you, you were locked in a bedroom feeling nauseous, and that was only 10 minutes after you said you wanted to call Ryan.”

“Sorry if I ruined your night. Thanks for looking out for me.” The understanding of the real danger he’d been in, only now sinking in. Jasper has to hold himself while he feels himself having flashbacks to the last time, he’d let someone convince him to take something while he was drunk. He didn’t need a repeat of that trauma.

“I’m happy to take you to parties and events, you just have to be careful, that’s all. How was Ryan about it all?” Leo asks, expecting anything but the smirk that crosses Jasper’s lips.

“Well, he definitely paid me more attention this morning,” Jasper answers.

“It’s a pity it took you getting off your face smashed for him to have that realisation, but I’m glad he put the phone down and took care of you. Anyway, finish off your food, we’ll be at the studio for this interview in a few minutes. Then we’re off to the airport and you can leave last night and this city behind you.”

The interview went well. Jasper performed two of his songs first, then sat down with the lovely host who praised him for how successful his comeback had been so far and went through the approved questions on the list. Every interview had wanted to ask the additional questions, but respected that Jasper had refused them. But this host found a way around it, by way of bringing up some fresh gossip from overnight.

“So, Jasper, while you’ve been on tour, there’s been a lot of rumours about your relationship status.” Jasper raises an eyebrow, trying not to look super pissed about the fact he was being asked a question on live TV, that he’d not approved. “There’s been some photos come to light of you at an event last night.” Now Jasper’s heart is racing. He barely remembered last night so this photo could be innocent of career ending, judging by what Ryan had said about how he was acting. “Here’s the photo. What can you tell us about the person with you?”

Relief and amusement washes over him as he sees Leo holding the car door for him when they arrived. Pre- Jasper being so off his face he was hallucinating about angels.

Jasper laughs. He almost felt bad for the interviewer, who was clearly embarrassed, but unfortunately, she set herself up for this one. The whole point of agreeing to questions before the interview was to avoid this kind of awkwardness. "Are you kidding me? That’s my PA. He’s literally been escorting me everywhere for like, 3 years. He's going to be so offended that he's only now being noticed. He's single, he's pansexual, and he's absolutely amazing at looking out for you and making sure you're ok. Highly recommend my PA." Jasper jokes, so glad he dodged the bullet on this one and Leo got to take the attention.

It could have been so much worse.