The Next Stage - 5. The Pressure of Perfection

Seeing the first ultrasound had been somewhat surreal, but heading home for the 20-week scan, knowing that they were somehow already halfway through this pregnancy, was just terrifying. They had gone off on tour, knowing they had ages until a baby would be their reality, but in a blink, they were already on the downhill run to parenthood. Tour was coming to an end and Jasper had managed to survive. The fact that their marriage had been the least romantic part of their relationship, helped in keeping their relationship a secret, while announcing it night after night in front of thousands of fans. Most of the time it was the first time they actually kissed each other that day.

Realistically, they weren’t trying that hard to keep Ryan a secret anymore. He had been spotted a number of times in the same location as Jasper’s shows. The first few times it was shrugged off as coincidence, but then the comments about whether he was just there in support of, or whether they were a couple again, started popping up.

Jasper had so much respect for his fans, because they jumped on any post that appeared about Ryan and defended their rights to privacy. Whether it was fans that were at his shows and knew about the couple, or fans that had no idea. Regardless, Jasper was grateful that the fans had his back.

Most recently, Ryan had been spotted with Beth, accompanying her for dinner in South Korea before she went off to a BTS show and Ryan went to make-out with his husband in Japan. Admittedly, Ryan and Beth had planned their little moment, to deflect from the photos of Ryan that were starting to be noticed.

Leo helped take the attention away from Ryan too, taking one for the team, and pulling his own publicity stunt.

“Jasper, do you have any comment on the rumors that you’re endorsing a sex worker?”

“If it passes on Onlyfans, it’s not sex work. Have you seen how restrictive their terms and conditions are?” Jasper laughs it off.

Even Ryan asked less questions about Jasper supporting Leo’s Onlyfans then the media was asking. Jasper had seen Leo’s account, and yes, he had tweeted the link to it. And yes, Leo did gain an insane amount of followers overnight. Leo recorded himself doing work-outs, naked. There was always something discretely covering his extremities, but people had flocked to his account.

“So how many reps do you do, Ryan?”

“As a warm up?” Ryan asks. Jasper bites his lip to try and hold back the smirk as Leo and Ryan enter a competitive discussion about who could do more of every possible exercise. If he had to hear the word ‘rep’ one more time, he’d lose it. The competition goes on to who’s pre-workout was superior, who had the better diet, Jasper didn’t listen when Ryan talked about this stuff to him, so he was double uninterested in their little testosterone fueled beef off. That didn’t mean he was allowed to stay out of it.

“Jasper, who has the better body?”

“Nope. I’m not taking that bait.” Jasper flips the page of his itinerary for the next month.

“It’s only bait, if you’re not your husband.” Leo taunts.

“Or maybe he’s trying to save your feelings.” Ryan teases back, more than hopeful that he was right.

“He gives me shit all the time; he’s not trying to save my feelings...”

“Geez, you two. You might as well get out a tape measure and get it over with.” Jasper rolls his eyes, throwing the itinerary aside and rubbing eyes tiredly. The next month was going to be exhausting, back-to-back shows, interviews, promotional events. Only a few hours here and there to breath. Jasper cared a lot more about that, than this argument.

“Who needs a measuring tape? You’ve seen us both naked, you know who’s the biggest.” Leo laughs, but that comment seemed to be a line for Ryan, suddenly a lot more concerned about what his husband was seeing.

“Well at least only one of us have seen Jasper naked.” Ryan states, obviously rubbing it in. This was going well.

“Now that you mention it, that is unfair.” Leo complains.

“In your dreams, Leo.” Ryan rolls his eyes.

“Yep.” Leo was pushing a lot of Ryan’s buttons.

“Leo, do you have any pain killers in the car? I’ve got a headache from breathing in all the toxic masculinity in this car right now.” Jasper states. Leo leans over to get him something from the glovebox but Ryan beats him to it, passing him pain killers from his pocket.

“Thank you, my love.” Jasper smiles as he takes them from Ryan, leaning to give him a quick kiss.

“Soon I’ll have enough to make Onlyfans my primary income, just in time for you to not need me anymore.” Leo jokes.

“You think people will still want to watch your bare ass doing star jumps, when they know that we’re not a thing?” Jasper teases.

“Darling, you wish you were that important. What are you going to do, set up an Onlyfans and post videos of yourself covered in baby vomit and sleep deprived. Speaking of, have you started picking names?” Leo asks.

“Definitely. I’m set on Claudia for a girl and Viktor for a boy.” Jasper states.

“He’s been doing this thing where he refers to them by the most random names he can think of. We’re not naming any child Viktor.” Ryan clarifies.

“It’s that or Zardian.” Jasper shrugs.

“That’s not even a name.” Ryan argues, running his fingers through his hair.

“You better hope it’s a girl, then.”

“I’m not sold on Claudia.”

“Phillys?”

“None of the above.” Ryan shakes his head.

“Geraldine?”

“We’re slowly narrowing it down by putting all the names you come up with, in the ‘no’ basket. What we do need to start taking more seriously is house hunting.” Ryan tells him.

“Sure, that’s more important than naming a human.” Jasper shrugs.

“Well, what door are we going to paint the human’s name on? What address are we putting on the baby’s birth certificate? We need a home, Jas. We can’t just wing it. You of all people should know that after you got stuck living in a hotel for how long?”

“It was like, 3 weeks, don’t be so dramatic.”

“All your stuff is still in storage; don’t you want a home to set everything up in? Get your piano out of a storage shed, put up those insane pictures of Blake.”

“Of course, I do. There’s just a lot on my mind right now. I’ve got to not fuck up the rest of this tour so I can pay for a mortgage and support the family. That’s a lot of pressure.”

“Sure, because you’re not just up there having the time of your life every night.”

“Just because I enjoy what I do, doesn’t mean it’s not a stressful job. This whole tour is immensely stressful for me. All the attention is on me. If I fuck up, there’s no one to cover for it. I’m painfully aware it’s coming at the detriment of being by Grace’s side while she cooks us a baby. I’ve been actively avoiding reading the comments about myself because I’m fairly sure a single negative review will break me. I’ve put my heart and soul into this comeback and I can’t afford, for it to not work out. Like, financially we’d be screwed because what else am I going to do if not have a career as a musician? But also emotionally and mentally. I used this whole thing as a way to counsel myself out of hell and get back on my feet. If I screw it up, if I fall apart again… There’s no point even thinking about baby names or where to live because I will not be in any state to live with and raise the kid. Forgive me for not being super invested in looking for a home when I’m barely capable of looking past the next show on the schedule.” Jasper rolls his eyes and looks out the window.

“Sorry.” Ryan comments, though it doesn’t particularly sound like he knows what he’s apologising for.

“Right. Well.” Leo clears his throat. “What can I do to help?”

“You already do more than enough, Leo. I’m not asking for help, I’m just venting.”

“You can ask for help though. We’ll all help anyway we can.”

“Ok, build a time machine and fast forward me to the part where tour is over and I’m a raging success." Jasper says sarcastically.

“You look beautiful.” Ryan caresses Grace’s baby bump as he gives her a kiss on the cheek.

“How are you feeling?” Jasper asks.

“Good now. Although Flynn would argue that I’m being irrationally emotional.” Grace laughs.

“I asked her if she wanted more chips, and she cried because she didn’t know if she was going to be hungry enough for more chips, be the time she finished her dinner. She also cried about horse races, because horses don’t know how loved they are.” Flynn tell them.

“Since when do you care about horses?” Jasper laughs.

“I cared a lot, that day.” Grace sighs and rubs her tummy. “Also, we’re going to need to think of something because mum and dad are getting suspicious of why I can’t see them.”

“Do your parents not know about this?” Ryan asks, turning to Jasper.

“The plan is for them not to know you’re having a baby with my sister. It’s just easier that way.” Before Ryan has the chance to question that logic, Grace is called in for the scan. He has to ignore the building concerns he had, that Jasper wasn’t invested in this at all.

“So, I hear you’ve been measuring a little bit behind throughout this pregnancy. Is that right?” Today’s obstetrician asks.

“Well, apparently my bump is measuring three weeks ahead, but the baby inside has been measuring like two to three weeks behind the whole time.” Grace sighs, getting up on the bed and pulling her shirt up.

“This is your third pregnancy, right? It’s normal to be bigger with each pregnancy. As for the baby, let’s have a look at where we’re at today.”

The obstetrician places the doppler on Grace’s stomach and instantly Jasper and Ryan are shocked at how big their baby was now. Last scan was nothing like this, it was a head and a body with disproportionate little arms and legs that were still just knobs. Baby had everything now, arms, legs, fingers, tastebuds. They already had tastebuds. Not that they could see them. Jasper just knew they were there because he’d been reading up on exactly what was developing and when, and apparently by 20 weeks, functioning tastebuds have formed. He’d politely asked Grace to cut down on sugar so their baby wouldn’t have a sweet tooth in the womb, to which she had replied with a line of cry-laughing emojis and a photo of her eating an entire bag of raspberry liquorice, which was apparently all the baby wanted.

Judging by the books, next week their kid will grow eyebrows. What the hell even is pregnancy? Jasper was confused and amazed at how this was all just happening as Grace went about her day-to-day life.

“Baby is active today! Have you started feeling any kicks yet?” The obstetrician asks. They could see on the screen, that their baby was kicking their legs around and had their hands over their little face, hiding.

“Very light ones, yeah.” Grace smiles as she watches the screen.

“Really?” Jasper asks in awe.

“Yeah, I swear I was feeling this one move at 15 weeks.” Grace shrugs, forgetting how big a deal this was for them.

“Can we feel it?” Ryan asks.

“I don’t think so yet, Flynn hasn’t been able to.” Something about her answer made Jasper feel a confused kind of jealous and fear. For those 24 hours where Ryan was adamant this wasn’t their baby, Jasper had passed it off as not worth thinking about. Then the whole problem went away and it seemed as if maybe the measurements were just off that day. But he had a whole new fear he only hoped was completely irrational. Grace changing her mind or getting too attached and not being able to give this baby up. He had to be nothing but trusting now, but it was in the back of his mind that Grace and Ryan were essentially the ones this baby was going to end up tied to, if Grace decided she couldn’t go through with handing over the baby, then Jasper’s sister and husband would have to co-parent. There’s no way Ryan would just walk away, knowing his DNA was 50% of this baby.

“Ok, baby is measuring about 2 weeks behind, but all their bones are forming perfectly, you can see there all the chambers of the heart are coloured there, that’s showing that blood is pumping through the heart correctly and there’s no holes. I’ll see if we can get a better picture of bub’s face.” The obstetrician states, moving the doppler back over the baby’s face. “Oh, there we go.”

Their baby’s face, was precious. Jasper always thought every parent just thought that no matter how cute their kid actually is, but his kid was definitely cuter than any other baby ever and Jasper would be willing to fight anyone that disagreed.

“My god, they look like you.” Jasper smiles as he nudges Ryan. “I had my doubts when they said our baby was ‘small’ but that is definitely your face.”

“Baby’s often look like their father.” The obstetrician replies.

“Isn’t it thought to be an evolutionary thing, so their fathers won’t reject them?” Jasper asks.

“Have you been researching?” The obstetrician gives a sweet smile. “Are you wanting to find out the gender?” The obstetrician asks.

“Yes.”

“No.” Jasper and Ryan look at each other as they answer at the same time.

“Oh, come on, you can’t bitch at me about being organised and then not want to find out and get organised for the baby.” Jasper frowns at Ryan.

“Gender has nothing to do with being organised. I don’t want to over stereotype anyway. It’s not important. We’re having a baby, that’s all that I care about. It’s only another 20 weeks until we find out at birth. I want that surprise.” Ryan argues.

“No, please. I’m not patient enough to wait another 20 weeks. Besides, we get all the other surprises at birth. What they’ll look like, what they sound like, what they smell like. Not to mention the whole birth process will be a surprise. We don’t know when and how and what birth will be like.”

“Jasper, I don’t want to know, ok?”

“Fine, you leave the room, I’ll find out.” Jasper shrugs.

“No.”

“Why not?”

“Because you can’t keep a secret to save your life, you’ll 100% tell me by mistake. Or you’ll use their pronoun and ruin the surprise for me.”

“So, we both just have to miss out? That’s the alternative. We both get what you want or I’m the asshole?” Jasper asks.

“I never said you’d be an asshole.”

“How about you finish this domestic and when we come back for the 30 week scan, you can find out if you’ve changed your mind.” Grace suggests.

“Whatever. It doesn’t matter. What Ryan says goes.” Jasper comments in a bitchy tone that makes even the obstetrician uncomfortable for the rest of the scan.

“I’m so sorry about Jasper, I have no idea what’s going on.” Ryan wasn’t as far out of earshot as he thought he was, Jasper could hear him.

“He seems very tense.”

“Mm, he’s putting his energy into the wrong things.” Ryan sighs.

“Excuse me? I’m putting my energy into my career. How is that the ‘wrong thing’?” Jasper snaps.

“What is going on with you, what is this attitude?” Ryan asks annoyed.

“You’re acting like you’re the only one allowed to make decisions, and you’re being judgy about my work.”

“I’m just worried that you’re more concerned about staying in the spotlight, than you are about getting set up for our future together.” Ryan argues.

“I’m not going to drop shows to prove myself to you. This tour was planned, tickets were sold, people are waiting and excited and they deserve to not have it cancelled on them. Stop being a dick, we’re both stressed.”

“Whatever.” Ryan sighs and crosses his arms.

“You know what, you have fun calling the shots on our future. I’m going to the airport.” Jasper turns around and storms off down the road towards Leo’s car.

“What? So now you’re not even going to come house hunting with me? You’re making a big deal out of nothing!” Ryan snaps.

“Thanks for your opinion. I love it when you invalidate how I feel.” Jasper shouts back.

“Jesus Christ, seriously? This is what we’re doing? You’re fucking off back on tour and acting like I’m the one being a dick right now?” Ryan argues after him.

“Yep, that’s exactly what I’m doing.” Jasper answers, not turning back as he approaches Leo’s car.

Jasper was the one being a dick. But he certainly wasn’t the only one. He had been avoiding these conversations with Ryan because he knew how Ryan felt about the baby and them becoming parents. He knew they were on different levels with it, but it was getting to a point where Jasper felt he was the one sacrificing the most for Ryan’s happiness. His career wouldn’t be able to continue. He didn’t want to be a distant parent, he wanted to be able to be hands on and going through the tiring nights and seeing all the smiles. Missing out on the baby wasn’t an option. Yet Ryan was so hyper focused that he was being completely ignorant to what Jasper was feeling Each show he performed was one show closer to the end of tour and the start of this new life. Each show to Ryan, was one step closer to just being home already. Setting up a house and living with his husband and their kid. It’s not that Jasper didn’t see the beauty in it, but he knew what he’d been like during the lockdowns and he didn’t want to feel stuck again. He liked being busy, he thrived in the spotlight. It wasn’t more important, but it was pretty fucking important to him.

If Blake were here, he’d be helping Jasper make the most of the time he had left to tour. He’d also be telling Ryan off for missing all the cues that Jasper had reached his limit of what he could handle and needed help and support right now.

“So, you’ve been avoiding questions about your relationship, is there a reason for that?” Somehow Jasper’s clear instructions to not ask certain questions, were being taken as ‘suggestions’ rather than demands, it was the third time in the 24 hours since Jasper returned to his tour schedule without Ryan, that he had been asked this. The first was over a podcast, he’d managed to just say ‘I’d rather not talk about that’. The second time, he was doing an interview over Instagram Live and had chosen to just disconnect from the call, getting Leo to send a message that he had informed them he’d not be answering those questions and due to a breach of his personal wishes, he had chosen to end the interview. But this was once again, a live TV interview, and they had started this conversation by showing a post from Ryan’s Instagram from a few hours ago, of him and Beth house-hunting together.

Jasper knew about the photo, because Beth had told him she and Ryan were going to make a post to throw everyone off since rumors were starting to rise about RySper being back together. He didn’t know whether Beth had been told about what was going on between the right now, but he was fine with the post.

What he wasn’t fine with was it being shoved in his face by this asshole ‘journalist’.

He knew Ryan and Beth would never in a million years, be a thing. But what if they were? What if Jasper and Ryan had never worked things out and then Ryan had gone on to date his dead best friend’s girlfriend? This would be insanely insensitive! This guy wasn’t about to know where Jasper and Ryan were at, but clearly the world had been free of Jasper’s attitude for too long if he thought there was any chance of having the upper hand on this. He was not coming back into the spotlight, to take anyone’s shit.

“The reason I have been specifically asking not to have these questions brought up, is very simple. Not only is it just disrespectful to force someone to talk about something that is a sensitive topic to them, to the point where they have made it clear that they aren’t comfortable to talk about it. But it’s taken a lot to get myself into a headspace where I am able to put myself in these kinds of positions. I was very hurt by the media’s portrayal of me after Blake’s death. I was completely slandered for months during the worst period of my life. I was dealing with grief; I was at my lowest and I was the target of some disgusting opinion pieces and gossip that tipped me over the edge and put me in a situation where I started to believe that I was truly worthless. It’s not just what is said by the media, it’s the reach those articles and statements and posts make and the comments on those. I faced so many cruel comments about how Ryan deserved better than me, when I was so depressed, I could barely take care of myself. So many comments suggesting it’d have been better if I’d died too because I was nothing without Blake. People even accused me of using his death as an excuse or to garner sympathy. It’s been 3 years and I am certain that wherever this video is, there will be comments saying the same kind of shit, still. Choosing not to answer questions that are personal to me, is my way of protecting myself from being put through that hurt all over again. It’s so hard to lose everyone from your life and see people commenting that you deserved to, or should have, or would be better off, dying. Do you know how hard it is to convince yourself otherwise when you’re facing a barrage of hate at a time when you’re already questioning what you have left to live for? That’s why I’ve been avoiding answering anything about my relationship status. Also, because it’s no one’s business until I decide to make it their business. I’ve learned and lived the damage that the media can do and I don’t want to put myself or anyone else through it. Ryan was copping threats and hate and was told it’d be his fault if I killed myself when we broke-up. At that time, there was nothing else he could have done to help me and I was the one that pushed him away. No one cared about the context, no one cared about how we felt ourselves. There was just endless, endless hate. That’s why. I’m saying this now, until I decide to make a comment on Blake or Ry, MY relationship, I am just not going to accept or answer questions about it. It’s my boundary and I’m entitled to the privacy just like anyone else. This interview is over now, thank you for your time and I am really sorry again that you’re the one facing this right now, but I’m just, over being made to feel like I have to talk about these things. It’s not ok.” Jasper stands up and walks away from the host, leaving him speechless and scrambling to try and give some type of response before the crew could cut to an ad break and give him a moment to collect himself again.

Jasper, on the other hand, pulls the microphone box from his pocket and unclips the microphone from his shirt. He leaves it with the nearest crew member, heading straight out and ignoring the people that were calling out to speak with him.

“Good for you, standing up for yourself. You did the right thing.” Leo wraps his arms around Jasper, who is tearful and shaking by the time he reaches Leo.

“Leo. I need to get out of here. I can feel it happening.” Jasper states with a waver in his voice. Leo nods, arm around Jasper’s shoulders as he takes him out to the car outside. Leo unlocks it and opens the door; Jasper climbs in and feels himself crumbling. Leo pulls down one of the seats and reaches into the boot, pulling a weighted blanket through and passing it to Jasper. “Thank you.” Jasper wraps the blanket around himself and hides his head in it as he starts crying.

“Have you had your medication today?” Leo asks, and Jasper shakes his head. Leo sits in the driver's seat, pulling a bag from the glove box and passing Jasper a small bag with a single pill in it. His emergency stash of Jasper’s prescribed anti-depressants.

“Thanks.” Jasper sobs, taking it straight away.

“Want me to call Ryan?” Leo offers, but Jasper shakes his head. “I’ll just drive around for a bit then? Give you some time to relax before we pick him up.” Leo suggests, starting the car and getting Jasper away from there. “I know you feel overwhelmed right now. But I think you should know that I am really proud of you for speaking up back there. I’m so mad that you were put in that situation. You have every right to call people out like that though.”

“I feel stupid. For being upset. I’m not the one that just got yelled at on live TV.”

“You didn’t yell at him; you were very reasonable and apologetic...”

“Cancel all my interviews. I don’t want to do any more interviews. I don’t want to answer questions anymore. I’m not doing it.” Jasper says quickly.

“Ok. Will you answer a question for me, though?” Leo asks gently. Jasper sniffles and looks up, waiting for Leo to ask him something. “What was the moment like, when you first kissed Ryan?”

“What?”

“You don’t have to answer it out loud, just think about it.” Leo states. Jasper blinks a few times, confused about how it was relevant, but he lets his mind wander back all the way to the start of their relationship. To the burst of emotions that had run through him the night he stood on top of their own apartment building, pressing his lips against Ryan’s. Leo smiles as he sees Jasper already starting to calm down. “Here’s a tricky question for you. Do you know the exact moment you fell in love with him?” Leo asks.

Of course he did. The lead up was a million tiny moments, but the actual proper first moment was the exact moment Ryan risked it all and kisses him on stage during his coming out song. The bravery that took and how untouchable they felt was next level. That was the moment he truly felt like he was in this with Ryan. No matter where it took them, no matter what happened. They were in it together and they had each other’s backs. Every single time they had made it through something, Jasper had felt that if they survived it, they could survive anything but this stress was draining and even though his job was important, it didn't get to be more important than getting himself and Ryan back on the same page before their lives changed and got exponentially more complicated.

“Leo, I need a break. I’m not coping.” Jasper admits, wiping away his tears.