The Next Stage - 13. Ready to Burst

Instead of helping set up any of the house, Jasper had spent the first three days in bed. He kept mumbling about jetlag and post-tour blues, which Ryan found completely understandable. However, the longer this dragged on for the more it robbed them of the chance to prepare their family for the birth of their baby. Ryan had begun to wonder whether Jasper was in some kind of hardcore denial that tour was over and life outside of the spotlight was starting.

In the early hours of the fourth day, Ryan awakes to the sound of clanging in the kitchen. Considering Jasper had been skipping meals too, Ryan assumed he'd finally starved himself out of bed.

"Babe?" Ryan frowns against the bright lights of the kitchen.

"On you're up! Good morning." Jasper pops a headphone from his ear with a grin as he aggressively stirs at a bowl of frosting. He'd seen a baby bump cake idea on Pintrest and not been able to sleep until he attempted it for himself. There was also a tray of mini quiches in the oven and a cheese platter in the fridge that he'd prepared while the cake was baking.

"What are you doing?" Ryan rubs his eyes, walking around the bench.

"I'm getting food ready for the party," Jasper shrugs. "What are you doing?"

"Sleeping? It's 3am."

"Lame." Jasper scoops some frosting out with his finger and draws a line of it just above the top of Ryan's pants.

"Jas!" Ryan says, annoyed, reaching for the paper towel.

"It's alright, I've got it." Jasper smiles, wiping some on Ryan's lower lip before licking it off. He steps back, holding Ryan's eye contact as he pops his finger in his mouth, sucking the rest of the frosting off while he kneels. He runs his tongue slowly along the line of frosting, then kisses and bites softly, setting Ryan's nerves on fire. Ryan doesn't object to Jasper tugging down his boxers and pleasuring him. Jasper gives an exaggerated moan like he's been starving for this and the sensation forces Ryan's eyes to close, blocking out everything but the heat of Jasper's mouth. Ryan gasps, his fingers threading through Jasper's hair, other hand bracing himself against the bench as Jasper makes his whole body feel weak. Jasper's enthusiasm takes Ryan out of the moment. The noises he was making sounded more urgent and desperate than enjoyable. Ryan frowns as his brain tries to split itself between the extremely distracting anticipation pulsing through him, and the thought that something didn't seem right with Jasper. He opens his eyes, looking at the dishes piled in the sink, the flour, frosting and smears of butter on the bench and down at Jasper.

"Jas, stop." Ryan tugs at his hair gently, but Jasper shakes his head and continues with even more determination. "Jesus." Ryan throws his head back, almost ready to just let Jasper finish him first and talk later. It felt so amazing that it was tempting to just switch his brain off and enjoy. Despite Jasper's best efforts, Ryan couldn't be distracted enough to just ignore his thoughts now. "Stop. Stop. Stop!" Ryan pulls Jasper's head back by his hair roughly and Jasper just starts laughing as he catches his breath. "What has gotten into you?"

"Shh." Jasper stands up, pressing his fingers to Ryan's lips and biting playfully at Ryan's collar bone.

Ryan swats his hand away and grabs Jasper by the shoulders, pulling him back. "No, you're acting weird. Are you high?"

"What the fuck? You're the one acting weird. I was doing a great job. Stop interrogating me!" Jasper snaps, washing his hands and going back to his cake.

"So I shouldn't find it odd when you spend three days sleeping then suddenly are up before the sun, baking for a baby shower."

"I invited my parents." Jasper shrugs.

"To the baby shower?"

"That's what you wanted, right? For them to be a part of this? Well, you get what you wanted. Again. Thanks, by the way, for making me feel like a jerk for not wanting them to give me their opinion about my sister having a baby with my husband. Do you have any idea how much shit that stirred up? They don't like Flynn. They like you. Not a huge fan of us, especially while my sassy ass is parading around stage on every entertainment news segment, and they have to watch us make out on stage. Are my parents happy with that public display of my gayness? Absolutely not. You know what they'd fucking love. For you and Grace to run off into the sunset with this baby so they can at least approve of one of their kids' life choices and pretend one of us is living a god honoring way." Jasper explains as he smears the frosting all over the cake with concentrated precision. Though his words were full of frustration, his actions were smooth and calm.

"Since when do they not like Flynn?"

"Since when do they not like the ex-drug dealer with all the tattoos?" Jasper frowns at Ryan like the question didn't even deserve an answer.

"They were accepting of our relationship. What changed there?"

"They couldn't bring themselves to attend the wedding, Ry. Does that really scream 'fresh start with the in-laws' to you? I think somewhere between us being headline news and the idea of two gays raising a baby, they struggled to remain open-minded." Jasper decorates the body of the cake with rainbow edible glitter.

"So that's what has set this off?" Ryan asks.

"Set what off? I was in a great mood down here, minding my own business before you came down. How good is this looking?" Jasper asks, gesturing at the cake as he ties a bow out of two pieces of ribbon, one pink and one blue. He drapes the bow over the cake and cuts off the excess, standing back to admire his work.

"So you're not high or sad? You just didn't want to help me set up any of the house..."

"I did want to help you, but you didn't wait for me."

"You didn't get out of bed for three days. What was I meant to do? Just wait for you to get over whatever mood you were in and start taking an active interest in setting up our life together?!"

"You don't get it." Jasper sighs.

"Then help me, because you're right. I have no clue what's going on with you and I'm getting really worried."

"Ugh, always with the feelings!" Jasper rolls his eyes, checking on the quiches in the oven.

"I'm sorry that I want to know what's going on with you."

"Nothing is going on. What are you going to do? Send me to the psych ward for being horny and cooking. Is that suddenly illegal around here?" Jasper asks sarcastically.

"What? No? But..."

"Good, so we can continue then." Jasper smirks, throwing his arms around Ryan and kissing him with messy desperation. Ryan pushes him away, but Jasper steps right back in close. "Rough mood this morning, huh?"

"I'm going back to bed." Ryan sighs, pushing Jasper off him again.

"Good idea," Jasper winks.

"To sleep."

"That's fine. You don't have to do anything." Jasper answers, his hand drifting down Ryan's body again. "I'll let you just lie there for once..." he starts whispering.

"Seriously? Are you on something?" Ryan grabs Jasper's wrist, nudges him back a little and stares into his eyes.

"I will be soon." Jasper says, unzipping his pants.

"How many times do I have to say it? NO. I. Am. Not. In. The. Mood. Leave me alone. I don't want you touching me right now. I am going back to bed. To sleep. What the hell is wrong with you?" Ryan shakes his head, backing out of the kitchen, trying to understand what he was dealing with.

"You know how many people want to fuck me? And you'd rather go back to bed?" Jasper crosses his arms.

Ryan pauses, looking at Jasper, perplexed by the tone. "If that's a threat to make me change my mind, then it's fucked up. Just because people want to fuck you doesn't mean anyone else will want to put up with you. If you need to learn that lesson for yourself, then go. But don't ever come near me again." Ryan states, turning and storming back upstairs to their room, too annoyed to give a damn whether Jasper was about to ruin their marriage. He was beyond disgusted that Jasper would even threaten to cheat. The damage was done. It was almost irrelevant whether he'd actually follow through with it.

Amped up now, Ryan packs a bag to go to the nearest gym. He wanted to go and channel his frustrations into a therapeutic workout. Ryan leaves without even looking to see if Jasper was still home. Part of him even hoped Jasper would see him leave and worry that he was leaving. It certainly seemed like he needed a little reality check. With headphones in and adrenaline pulsing through him, Ryan gets lost in the zone until well after sunrise. He was trying to rationalise Jasper's weird attitude this morning. Jasper did have a history of being hyper sexual to the point of almost being fake in his enthusiasm after a disapproving interaction with his parents. Maybe it had something to do with his parents. Then again, they weren't some new problem that would justify Jasper trying to guilt Ryan into sex. Absolutely nothing Ryan could think of, could justify him even considering acting like that over being rejected. It'd been a while for them, but they had gone much longer not being intimate and Jasper had never dared make it sound like someone else was an option. If he was worrying about the baby, which was the most obvious answer, then it'd make sense in a twisted way that Jasper may be trying to sabotage this. But then why would he have gone to so much effort to make a baby shower cake? If that was the problem, he'd more likely have just withdrawn like he had done every other time they'd talked about this baby.

He felt physically better, but mentally he was still so confused and stressed as he made his way home. He felt reluctant to face Jasper again after their rocky start to the day, but if they could just talk it through, he wanted to get it over with. The last thing they needed was to let it fester into something worse, and Ryan wasn't naive enough to trust that Jasper wouldn't let things be exponentially worse and end up going completely downhill before admitting they needed to talk about something.

He gets home and hears the tinking of a spoon in a mug. So Jasper was home, at least. Ryan goes for a shower, hoping it'd refresh his mind, too. He couldn't start a conversation while stressed. That hadn't gone well this morning. The moment Jasper felt like Ryan was attacking him with concerns, he got defensive. It was a lost cause trying to talk to him when he was like that. Doing his best to clear his mind and go into this calmly, Ryan takes some deep breaths. He leaves the bathroom to find Jasper standing out on the balcony with a steaming cup of tea in his hands and no clothes on. It was good having their own place and being able to be this comfortable.

"You're going to get cold out here like that." Ryan says, draping a robe over Jasper's shoulders.

"Thanks." Jasper mutters, sipping at his tea and staring absently down at their yard. "Where have you been?"

"The gym. You?"

"I was in the spare room, setting up my stuff," Jasper shrugs.

"Are you ok?"

"Other than the fact my husband thinks I'm not good enough for him, yeah." Jasper answers, looking over his shoulder at Ryan.

"When did I ever say that?"

"You don't have to. I can feel it. Everyone knows it too, don't worry. The whole world thinks you're better off without me. The whole world can't be wrong." Jasper turns around to face him.

"Since when do you care what the world thinks?" Ryan fakes a smile, reaching to pull Jasper in for a reassuring hug.

"You don't love me and I don't blame you." Jasper's accusation comes out so certain it surprises Ryan.

"I do love you. I just don't love the way you act sometimes, like this morning..."

"Yeah, but that's me, isn't it? One big, endless act."

"See, this is right here, is the shit I don't love." Ryan snaps, not about to stick around for another argument. He'd already well and truly had enough for one day. Jasper doesn't try to stop him, just sips at his drink while he looks out over the backyard.

Ryan goes to see what Jasper had done in the spare room and is disappointed to see he'd really underestimated how much room Jasper needed for all his equipment. The various mixing and recording devices took up all the room, most of it on the floor as only three desks had fit into the space, and that was without his piano. There's a print of one of Jasper and Blake's selfies, leaning against a wall, yet to be put up and displayed. He couldn't work in this space. Ryan hadn't realised how much equipment Jasper had accumulated during their time apart.

Downstairs is spotless. Jasper had turned the kitchen into a bakery only hours ago, but there wasn't a single dish in sight, not a crumb on the benches or the oven. In the lounge room, there were streamers and balloons of every colour. A banner reading "Baby Shower" hung across the windows with streamers cascading down the curtain rail to make a sweet and colourful backdrop. There were stacks of printed out cards with questions on them asking people to guess the date, weight, gender and name of their baby. It all looked like thrown together chaos, but that seemed to be their lives these days and it was the effort that meant a lot. He's stung with a feeling of guilt that Jasper had done all of this, clearly excited about the baby after all.

Wanting to soothe things over and attempt a reasonable conversation for a third time, Ryan heads back upstairs. He's determined not to get snappy no matter what Jasper said. There was something very wrong with Jasper today and he wanted to work it out, even if that meant enduring ridiculous accusations and unfounded insecurities on the way.

For a moment, Ryan was completely thrown off by how it made him feel when he opened the bedroom door to find Jasper pleasuring himself with the toy Ryan had gotten him during lockdown. Irrational jealousy was the first one. He'd been fine with Jasper using these when they were apart, but he wasn't sure he liked the idea of being replaced when he was here. Then again, considering Jasper had almost threatened to cheat, this was at least better than the alternative. It's not like Ryan owned the right to be the cause of every orgasm, and Jasper had been open about his needs and been rejected this morning. His brief internal debate upon catching Jasper for the first time, getting off without him, is interrupted as he sees Jasper's free hand grip the sheets tighter. He doesn't even think before Ryan crawls onto the bed with the need to be the one that takes him over the edge. Jasper whips his head around, surprised to see him, but not embarrassed to have been caught like this.

"Don't stop." Ryan whispers. The moment his lips touch Jasper, though, Jasper loses the ability to concentrate on his own actions. Ryan's hand replaces Jasper's, controlling the toy while his lips tormented his already over sensitive body, moving slowly. Jasper curses, grabbing at his phone to change the setting of the toy, but he drops it to grasp onto Ryan as he hits his absolute peak. Ryan moans onto him, pacing all his actions down in time with Jasper's shudders until he falls against the sheets in a blissed out state. So much for talking things through. Ryan kisses Jasper's thigh, then his hip, navel, collar bone and all the way up his neck, then he lies beside him on the bed and Jasper rolls over to cuddle against him. His body hot and his heart pounding as he comes down from his high. The cool breeze through the open balcony door, along with the sound of birds chirping in the trees in the yard, is so soothing. Ryan could feel Jasper's heart rate slowing back down and his chest rising and falling in content waves as he falls to sleep within minutes. Even though he has a list of things to do, Ryan doesn't move. He just stays there, holding Jasper and trying not to panic about all the things that felt so wrong right now.

This was far from how it was when they had lived together before, but they were different people now, too. As much as it didn't seem that way at times, they had grown and matured. In fact, that was why this was so concerning to Ryan. If Jasper was like this years ago, it would have made more sense. There had been plenty of occasions where Jasper had woken Ryan up in the middle of the night or early hours of the morning for sex, and Ryan had been more than happy to fulfil that need. But there had also been plenty of times where he'd said no and Jasper hadn't acted like a jerk about it or threatened him. He'd maybe complain, but he'd also always respected Ryan's right to reject him.

It was like Jasper hadn't just reverted back to being a less mature and more selfish version, but he'd somehow turned into Damien.

At that thought, Ryan finds himself repulsed by what he'd just done. He shifts out from under Jasper and goes into the bathroom. Standing at the sink, he feels like he's suffocating in the storm of thoughts in his head. Now he felt like he was reverting. Back to himself with Damien. Back to being afraid of this being what he's going to deal with for the rest of his life. The thought made him nauseous. He couldn't do it. Not with Jasper.

He'd pushed that toxicity out of his life and the thought of the person who'd fought for him so hard to see his worth and not allow himself to be treated any less, turning around and putting him through it again, was too much. At least with Damien, he'd always been a jerk and Ryan was just waiting for it to change. With Jasper, it'd break him to know how good they were once, and to watch it slip into a nightmare. And how quickly he'd fallen back into that pattern. Put a stop to a behaviour he doesn't like and be guilted and threatened. Let it go, give the benefit of the doubt, and getting it thrown back in his face. Seeing one example of something to contradict how he felt and going to apologise for his own actions. Giving in to make his lover happy and only in the aftermath, realising how used he felt.

With tears in his eyes, Ryan stands at the doorway of the bathroom, staring at Jasper. He didn't know what to do. He'd married someone that had always proven his insecurities wrong. Someone who made him believe love wasn't meant to be difficult. Even his fucking vows had promised he'd never face a time where he had to doubt his worth. And yet here he was, not doubting his worth, but doubting Jasper's. He'd said before that he wasn't good enough for Ryan. Out of habit, Ryan had denied that being true. But right now his heart was aching, as he could feel himself falling out of love with the person he'd seen today. He simply couldn't love someone who made him feel the way Jasper had this morning. The behaviour was so unbelievable Ryan didn't know whether he was jumping to conclusions or whether his feelings were justified. Even having to question that, reminded him of too many awful times wondering the same with Damien. He'd come too far to find himself back in a relationship like this. Having to question whether he even had a good enough reason to question anything at all.

***

The last thing Ryan wanted was to welcome everyone he loved into their home like this, but cancelling the baby shower wasn't an option. Cancelling would require an explanation, and he didn't want to involve anyone else in this just yet. 'I don't love Jasper, don't want to live with him and don't want to be stuck with him for the rest of my life raising this baby' just wasn't something he could say out loud to anyone. Especially because no matter how much he was hurting and freaking out inside, seeing Jasper enthusiastic about this party was doing something to him. His brain couldn't pick a side. All that hurt, but Jasper was glowing with happiness as he greeted his sister, bending down to talk to her belly and tell the baby he couldn't wait to meet them and that they better come out soon. All Ryan wanted was this. He wanted 9 months of this kind of attitude. He wanted all the baby talks to include that excited smile. He wanted to be enjoying the way Jasper was doting on the tribe of little ones that were running around their lounge room.

Luke and Fi's boy Zak, goes to some colouring in activities Jasper had gotten just to occupy them. He picks up both the twins, dancing around and seeming genuinely the most happy he's been in forever. But it's all happening on the back of such a strained relationship that Ryan almost resents Jasper for it. He couldn't help but see this as part of the cycle. Jasper could very easily reel Ryan back in right now. It was taking everything to remember not to believe this behaviour. As Jasper had said himself, he's an endless act. Ryan thought he knew the real side of Jasper, but he wasn't so sure now.

Jules is excitedly talking Ryan's ear off about her impending grandchild and she calls Jasper over. They weren't going to air their problems at a celebration about becoming parents, but Ryan didn't particularly want to be near Jasper pretending to be fine right now, either.

"Have you got names picked out? Can you just give me the first letter?" Jules asks him.

"The way we're going, this baby is going to be named 'baby Reid-Kurtis' for like, 6 months. We've failed to agree on any names so far." Jasper laughs it off, smiling sweetly at her.

"So, are you asking us to guess names or to give you ideas?"

"Definitely ideas. Although Leo has written down Mascipone for girl and Bro for boy, so I'm not like the odds of picking a name from these."

"Ryan was going to be Kiara if he was a she. If I had another boy at some stage, I was set on Partick." Jules shrugs, writing it down as a name suggestion.

Jasper has a list of old wives' tales he'd found on the internet that apparently establish the gender of the baby and poor Grace is going through all of them. According to peeing on a cup of baking soda, they were having a boy. The Chinese gender calender said girl. The 'which way do you hold your pillow when you sleep?' revealed it was a boy. Grace was carrying high, so girl. She'd been having break-outs so girl. Her cravings suggested they were expecting a boy. The obscure and insane list of gender theories went on and Grace drew the line at peeing on a cabbage. It was an even count of boy to girl predictions.

"Maybe it's going to be a boy with a uterus. Like we're making gay evolutionary history and this is going to be the first male that can have his own kids with a male partner." Jasper jokes then as the tie breaker question he almost ruins another marriage when he asks if Grace had been more moody or not. Flynn made the mistake of saying 'yes'. It lead to Grace completely not being moody, but running off a list of things he'd not been helping her with to explain why she's been so frustrated by him.

"Ryan was with me for a day and he did more for me than you have the last few months." Grace helpfully pulls Ryan into a marital fight he didn't need.

"Yeah, well, it is his baby." Flynn snaps bitterly. Jasper bites his lip and takes a step back as he looks between Ryan, back to Flynn. The tension in the room was agonizing. Beth jumps into Aunty mode and suggests the kids all go outside to play with her.

"Congratulations on finally growing the balls to say that you've got a problem with this." Grace rolls her eyes.

"What, you carrying another guy's baby and being too sick and too tired to care for our kids? I made it pretty fucking clear I wasn't happy with the plan, but you made it clear I had no say in it."

"You don't have a say in it. It's not your body, and it's not your baby. But don't you dare come at me about not taking care of our kids, when you do anything to avoid all of us."

Someone had to step in and stop this, but Jasper was backing away, recoiling as the argument was breaking out around him. The happiness had drained from his face and he was silently staring at the floor with a hand covering his mouth. Ryan rolls his eyes at the annoyed way Leo was looking at him as he approached Jasper to comfort him.

"Jasper, Ryan. Good luck with the little one, alright?" Flynn calls out, grabbing the nappy bag and going outside to get the kids. "Come on Ellie. It's past bedtime, we've gotta get home baby girl." Flynn says in his 'everything is fine' dad voice. Ellie hugs Zak and says goodbye to everyone, but even then, Jasper doesn't step in or say goodbye.

"Uh, we're going to go too. It's getting late." Fi says, walking over to Ryan and giving him a hug. "Make time for each other and remember to be patient with each other when you're both tired. You guys will be fine." She tells him with a confident smile. Ryan fakes one back. Luke comes over and claps Ryan on the shoulder.

"You have no idea how glad I am to be getting some dad friends at last. Sounds like Flynn could do with some, too. Kids are stressful, that's why they say it takes a village." Luke sighs.

"Thanks Luke." Ryan again fakes a smile but his eyes fall on Jasper who's not moved or spoken.

"We should get together for a playdate. Zak and Ellie were getting on so well, and I want him to socialize more." Fi's saying to Grace.

"That would be so nice. Maybe after this baby is born." Grace agrees.

"The due date is in 9 days, right?" Jules asks, barely holding together her excitement over a grandbaby.

"Yes." Grace smiles. "Though Ryan is hoping for earlier so he gets some time in at home with them before he starts the new job."

Finally, Jasper snaps out of whatever zone he was in, turning to Ryan with a confused and sad expression. "What new job?"

"Uh, the choreography job." Ryan answers.

"For Chicago?"

"What? The Broadway show? That's incredible. Congrats man." Luke grins and shakes Ryan's hand.

"You got the job?" Jasper smiles, but his face pales. "Why didn't you tell me?"

"I found out just before Leo called about your charity..."

"A week ago? You've known for a week?!"

"You just had bad news. It wouldn't have been fair to tell you then..."

"But Grace knows?"

"I was with her when I got the call."

"Didn't want to share your big moment with me? Do you really think I am that selfish that I wouldn't be able to be absolutely ecstatic for you, even with my own shit going on? Is that what you think of me?" Jasper takes a step back, feeling his heart pounding and his mind racing with all the irrational feelings he had been trying to block out. Without another word, he heads out the door. Leo predictably following him out.

Ryan turns back to Grace and lets out a deep sigh.

"Are you going to go after him?" Grace asks.

"Did I deserve that?" Ryan asks, but no one is game to answer him. Beth silently heads out, Fi and Luke not far behind.

"Is there anything I can do to help?" Jules asks.

"No, mum." Ryan sighs, running his fingers through his hair.

"Ok, well, call me if you need anything. Sounds like you guys need some time, though, so I'll get out of your way. Love you to bits." Jules hugs Ryan tight, then stands back and gives him a sad smile. "I wish I had advice for this. I'm sorry you're going through it, but I believe in you two. You've always worked things out, no matter how impossible they seemed."

Ryan appreciated the optimism, but knew his mum would feel differently if she knew even half of how Ryan had felt today. Let alone how he'd felt most of tour. He'd not realised how much Jasper had changed during their time apart. Who Jasper was now, was not someone Ryan even wanted to fight to work things out with. This nightmare of a day was just unbelievable.

With everyone gone, Grace moves over to the couch and sits down. "I'm so sorry, Ryan. I didn't realise you hadn't told him yet," she sighs. Ryan turns around and looks at her. Even about to pop she had a serene sense of calmness about her that Ryan needed. He hangs his head as he joins her on the couch.

"I'm sorry he made this whole thing so weird for you."

"It was fun. Mostly." Grace shrugs. "Sorry about my dickhead husband."

"Sorry about mine."

"All I wanted was to get everyone together and celebrate this milestone for our family, and he ruined it. He's shown so little interest this whole way through and then decides on this party to be the time he suddenly wants to act like he's excited about this baby. Goes overboard on stupid old gender theories and then storms off. I don't know what to do anymore and I'm getting over the way he makes everything about himself." Ryan vents, rubbing his face, stressed.

"Baby doesn't like hearing their daddy upset." Grace takes Ryan's hand and places it on her bump, where he's almost instantly calmed by the feeling of his baby moving.

"I can't help but feel like this is all a really bad idea. I don't want to do this alone." Ryan whispers, tears threatening to overflow his eyes.

"You won't be alone, Ryan." Grace answers as she hugs him. "You're going to be a great dad. This baby has no idea how lucky they are to have you."

"I'm lucky to have you." Ryan sighs. Hand still caressing her bump, he pulls back slightly and his eyes glimpse her lips for a moment before he feels them against his.

“I’m sorry, am I interrupting something?” Jasper asks. "I was just out talking to Flynn and asking what the hell was going on with you, but now I guess I know."

“Oh, I’m not even ready to deal with you.” Jasper puts his hand up to stop Ryan from talking.

“I'm serious. Neither of us intended on that happening...”

“Fuck off.” Jasper turns and starts walking out again.

“Ryan, I’m so sorry...” Grace starts crying.

"Are you just going to run away from this like every other fucking problem?" Ryan calls out.

"You're sorry to him. Why? Because you got caught? And of course I'm leaving. Forgive me for wanting to get away from you cheating assholes right now.” Jasper snaps, not stopping his storm out for anyone.