The English Year - 48. Reassurance

I didn’t want to ask when Mike needed to return back to the barracks. I didn’t want to ask because I didn’t want him to leave.

But there were a handful of things I desperately needed to take care of. I couldn’t hide in our cocoon forever, and when the next morning rolled around, I rolled off my very amazing vmee, and prepared to face those things.

I knew as soon as my phone buzzed for the first time that the paper had dropped. I sat up in bed, planted my feet on the floor. Mike still lay behind me as I pulled my phone from my desk and began to scroll through my messages.

There was a bevy from my fraternity. A few from some friends from the Fancy Ball committee. There was one message from Alex asking if I was okay. Everyone wanted to know what I knew about the story that had taken over The Founder Magazine.

I put my phone down with a deep sigh. I wasn’t ready for any of it. I didn’t want to deal with any of it. And so my solution at the moment was to ignore it. Instead of replying to anyone, I turned to my left, and kissed the sleeping cadet on the cheek. He stretched, moaned, and turned his head so that our lips met.

“Good morning, killer,” he said with a long yawn.

“Good morning, babe,” I replied, looking at his fresh face and thinking how lucky I was to be sitting there next to him.

I didn’t want any of this to end, and so I made the decision that I would draw it out for as long as possible. Instead of doing what I knew I needed to, I kissed Mike, pulled the covers, and rejoined him underneath them.

He pulled me in firmly on top of his body, grinding us together and kissing me deeply. It was a side to Mike that I loved, and during the first years of our relationship, I never would have imagined I’d ever see. He was affectionate. He was passionate. He was hitting all of the right spots on my body in a way that, up until that point, only one other person ever had.

But right then, while I shut everything else out, Mike was the only thing that mattered. We made out passionately for a few minutes before our boners couldn’t be contained. I felt how hard Mike was against my own cock, and slid my hand down to grasp it.

“Careful, killer,” he sighed, biting his bottom lip and eyeing me sexily. ”Unless you’re prepared to go down and take care of that.”

“How would you like me to take care of that?” I cooed into Mike’s ear. It was a rhetorical question. I was already on my way down the side of the bed so that I was face to cock with the vmee’s morning wood. I took in my mouth hungrily, like it was the only thing available for breakfast. He rewarded me with a deep moan followed by a sigh. He put his hand behind my head, clutched my overgrown hair, and pulled me up and down his shaft.

Normally when I suck cock, I love the feeling of controlling someone’s orgasm. I loved the feeling of being in charge. Of forcing pleasure onto them while they resisted the urge to orgasm.

But this time, I submitted. I let my own pleasure wave over me instead of trying to control how Mike felt. I could play that role as well, and I could play it expertly. If it gave him pleasure to be in command, I would take his orders.

And so I did. For what felt like an hour, I alternated between sucking him deeply, firmly, and passionately milking his head as hard as I could. I was rewarded with the usual moans. I was rewarded with the torrent of precum. And I was rewarded by feeling his body tense more and more the closer he got to orgasm.

And when he finally crossed the line of no return, Mike clutched my hair, forced my head down, and spewed wave after wave of cum down my throat. I pulled up slightly so that I could get some of his cum on my tongue, to taste it. I loved how he tasted, and I didn’t want it all to hit the back of my throat. And so for just a second, I savored it before I swallowed.

I stood up, getting ready to brush my teeth and splash water on my face.

“Where are you going so fast?” Mike asked. He still sounded groggy.

“I’m going to the bathroom,” I replied.

“Come here first.” I turned, crawled in next to him, and was surprised as he gave me a big cum-swapping kiss.

“You’re incredible,” I sighed. In that moment, there weren’t dozens of messages waiting for me. There wasn’t any drama circulating outside. There weren’t any distractions out there. It was just us. I felt reassured in his embrace. Like everything would be okay.

But that ended as quickly as it started when we heard a knock on the door. At that moment, I knew I had to face what was going on on campus, what I had started, created, and in a way curated. I had to face the music.

“Who is it?” I called, stretching and sitting up again. This time Mike sat up too, reached for a pair of boxer briefs and pulled them on. I pulled my sweats up, and realized there was an unmistakable wet spot on the front.

“It’s Dom. Can I come in?”

“Now is not a particularly good time,” I called through the door. I stood and quickly reached for a flannel. Instead of putting it on, I tied it around my waist.

“This is important, Corbin.” There was an edge to his voice. I rolled my eyes and approached the door. I pulled it open slightly, poking my head out.

“How can I help you?”

“Can I come in?”

“No,” I answered flatly.

“Can you come out?” he pressed.

I turned and shot Mike a look. He shrugged his shoulders, pulled the covers over his head, and hid under them.

I opened the door and let Dominic inside.

“What do you need, Dom?” I asked, already annoyed.

“It reeks in here,” he said at first. “Have you seen the paper?”

“I have,” I sighed, sitting down on the couch and putting my head in my hands. This was it.

“Do you know anything about it?”

“I know exactly what was written.”

“Who wrote it?”

“I have no clue.”

“How do you not know? It’s your paper.”

“I don’t own the paper. What’s with all the questions, Diane Sawyer?”

“Everyone is buzzing about who wrote it and who the guys are. This is big, Corbin. It’s everyone out there talking about it and you’re holed up in here. What gives?”

“Well, if you need to know, and if you want to tell everyone who is buzzing, I left the paper. I no longer work for The Founder.”

Dom’s weight shifted as he bored into me. I shifted as well, wondering if he could sense that there was someone laying under my covers, just feet away. He was already chafed about this situation. He would have gone irate if he knew Mike was here.

“Wait, what?”

“I left the paper.”

“What do you mean by that?” he folded his arms.

“Exactly what I said. And why does it matter to you?”

“Maybe I didn’t explain this correctly. Your paper is covering this huge scandal, and what? You just quit?”

It was time to practice my line. This was it. Dom could get the spin going if I sold this correctly. I took a shallow breath, and confessed.

“I didn’t agree with publishing the anonymous story, and so Alex and I came to an understanding that I didn’t need to continue with The Paper.”

That was our line, and I was sticking to it. Dom looked me up and down. I could tell he was reading me for accuracy, but I held firm. I heard Mike rustle behind me, and cleared my throat.

“Dom, honestly, I have a huge day and a ton of things to get done, as you can imagine. Is there anything else?”

He sized me up one more time.

“No more skipping chapter and EC meetings,” he chastised weakly, even for him.

“Noted.” I ushered him out, and retreated quickly back to my bed after locking the door. I pulled the covers back from Mike. “You okay?”

“I think I should get out of your hair,” he sighed.

“You think your aunt is feeling better already?” I joked, sitting next to him.

‘I think she’s doing much better,” he smiled, leaning in and kissing me. I didn’t want this to end, any part of it, but I knew it had to. “Before I leave, can I ask you something?”

“Sure,” I replied, running my fingers through my hair.

“How are things with your British guy?” I gave him a quizzical look. He continued. “The one I punched for you. The one in love with you.”

“I know which British guy,” I tried to buy myself some time. The one who had been in love with me, I thought. “What do you mean how are things?”

“The two of you seeing each other? How are things going?”

“Today?”

There was a deep pause between Mike and me. A very serious, heavy, intimidating pause.

“There’s nothing happening with us.”

“If I had asked you a week ago?”

“Mike… you were in solitary a week ago.”

“If I were to ask you in a week from now?”

“Mike…” I countered. I stood up next to the bed, crossed my arms, and gave him a deep stare. “You waited until now to ask?”

“I didn’t have the chance while you were jumping my bones all weekend.”

“Jumping your bones?” I laughed. Mike smirked, and stood up to meet me.

“Should I be worried about him?” he asked me, his face inches from mine. I felt a bit uneasy. I shifted my weight.

“Clearly you are,” I said slowly. “But you shouldn’t be.”

I thought quickly about my last conversation with Pete.

Find peace, killer.

This last weekend with Mike, as much as I’d been through, had actually been peaceful. Maybe unbeknownst to Pete, I had followed his instructions. Maybe Mike was peace.

“I’m out in less than a month, Corbin,” Mike said. “In three short weeks, I’ll be out.”

There was another big pause.

“When I come out, I want to do this.” Mike grabbed my hands and held them in his. “I want to do this right with you. I want to be a partner to you, and take care of you. I want to introduce you to the Captain. Take you on dates that you deserve. Take you to the cadet ball.”

“Mike,” I interrupted.

“I’m serious. I want that. I want to be your boyfriend, and I want you to say yes. In three weeks, I don’t want there to be any sort of hesitation towards us. No ambiguity. No guessing. I want to be with you.”

I felt a tear roll down my cheek.

“I’ll fight off everyone I need to when I get out, Corbin, to make sure you know how serious I am about this. I want you. You’ve got three weeks to figure things out with that other guy. Corbin?” Mike lifted my chin and bored deep into me with his penetrating eyes. “I want to prove to you that your heart is safe with me. Because I mean it, killer. You are safe with me.”

Mike gave me a hug as I processed his words. What they meant. What it would mean to be Mike Loggerman’s boyfriend. What it would mean to date a VMI cadet in general. What it would mean to have an actual boyfriend.

There was something different about this prospect, irrespective of the prospect of dating Pete. Pete was local. Our relationship was bound to be front and center. Dating Mike could give me the autonomy to figure out this latest chapter without having him there every single day. Involved. We could chat and talk, but he wasn’t involved, and he never would be.

While trying to date Pete and navigate this situation seemed impossible, dating Mike and doing the same felt doable.

“I’ll have it figured out,” I assured him as we hugged. “Do you want a shower before you go?”

Mike released me

“Only if you take one with me,” he smiled wickedly.

One shower and two orgasms later, we finally said our goodbyes. I walked him down to his car, not giving a shit who saw, even though he was banned from Chi Beta, and went back upstairs to get ready for my lunch with David.

We decided to meet in the freshman dining hall, at a corner both in the back. It was a sprawling cafeteria with multiple stations, and a checkout line where you swiped your card. One of the D-hall employees I knew well, Mark, was working the counter and before I even started filling my plate, I gave him a handshake, and he assured me I could get anything I wanted even though I didn’t have points on my meal plan.

I loved eating in the D-hall. It was nostalgic, simple, easy. It wasn’t as political as sorority lunch, or as tense as lunch at the frat house could be sometimes. I knew this conversation wasn’t going to be simple or easy, but I knew this was the best place for David and me to have it.

I didn’t expect any of the freshmen I noticed reading the paper to recognize me. I spotted a few flipping through the article and chatting amongst themselves. I felt somewhat anonymous, invisible, getting my plate and finding my booth while I waited for David to join.

Forking through my meatloaf and broccoli, I looked up when he finally arrived and sat across from me.

“Hey David,” I tried to keep my voice even and upbeat, even though I knew this wasn't that kind of conversation.

“Hey,” he sounded morose. I took a deep breath and rested my chin on the back of my intertwined hands.

“It’s good to see you,” I said softly.

“Is it?”

“It is. Whatever it is you want to talk about, I want to hear it,” I assured him. I watched as David took a deep breath.

“I want to quit, Corbin,” he said finally, after a few beats. He blinked slowly. I let the words digest. “It’s not fun for me. It’s not fun anymore.”

I inhaled sharply. If I lost David as a little, a pledge, an ally, I would be losing more than just a number. Hearing those words hurt me deeply, personally, but I also felt the implications of what it would mean. Hutch would be livid. Dom would have an ace above me with Lee. My plans for total domination would be thwarted before they even took shape.

“Why?” I asked, my voice low and non-threatening. “Help me understand why.”

“Why not?” he answered quickly. He took a second before continuing. “It’s just not what I expected.”

“What did you expect?” I kept my neutral stance, and tried with every fiber of my being to keep my voice reassuring.

“I don’t get to spend any time with you. I don’t even get to hang out with the seniors. It’s just constantly being yelled at and grilled about everyone’s birthday, and bullshit. It’s bullshit.”

His voice was low, but stern. I nodded softly as he spoke.

“David, I’m sorry I haven’t been there for you,” I started.

“It’s too late, Corbin.”

“It probably is, but I’m still sorry. I didn’t mean to make this experience so lonely for you. I really, truly didn’t,” I assured.

“It’s not your fault, Corbin, but it’s the way that it is. I hate it.”

I nodded.

“I get that, but you’ve come this far. And you’re almost done. Initiation is in a few weeks, what? Three?”

“You don’t even know.”

“David.”

“24 days. March 20th,” he answered quickly.

“That’s only three weeks. I don’t blame you if you want to call it quits, but David, when you’re done, no one can take that pin away from you. You’ll be a brother,” I said. I leaned in. “We’ll be brothers.”

I took David’s hand. He dropped his fork and let me pull his hands over to my side of the table.

“Listen, I want to reassure you that I care about you.”

David swallowed and nodded.

“When I walked in yesterday, you were… reassuring that guy,” David cocked his neck at me. I didn’t take him for a jealous type. And then he hit me with another one. “You reassured Lee just the other day.” David blinked, his innocent face showing a more serious, morose side, than I’d seen on him. “You seem to be reassuring everyone but me.”

I shifted in my seat. This was exactly what I had been dreading our conversation would come to. I didn’t know until then that David was capable of blatant blackmail. I knew he was a little after my own heart, and this was right out of my playbook, his big, but also his mentor in manipulation. And here I was, at the receiving end of a demand I couldn’t exactly say no to.

Mike’s words echoed in my ear. In three weeks he’d be out, and I would have a boyfriend. I would be the boyfriend of a very eligible and very attractive cadet. It would be expected for me to deny these advances, no matter how seemingly veiled, quickly and expeditiously.

But this was different. I didn’t have a boyfriend. Yet. And I couldn’t lose David for the fraternity, or as my little. Hutch would kill me for dropping a pledge. Austin would kill me for losing a paying member of the house. Dom would kill me because he could. And so I hedged what he was hinting at.

“David,” I squeezed his hand. “I’m reassuring you now.”

I pretended like I didn’t quite understand what he was getting at, while also squinting my eyes to indicate I knew exactly what he was getting at. David licked his lips.

“I want the full reassurance treatment, Corbin,” he whispered, leaning in ever so slightly across the table.

I squinted again. This time I licked my lips just like he had.

“Would that kind of reassurance be confusing to you? If we could only do it once?”

I watched the wheels turn in his head.

“I think I could manage not getting too confused,” he replied. “Or attached to your reassurance. I just want to feel connected to you again..”

What David didn’t say is that he was jealous at how I seemed to connect to other guys that weren’t him. Would he be asking this if he didn’t know that I’d used Lee to get off on a power trip? Or if he hadn’t walked in on me and Mike in a state of undress? I couldn’t help but wonder if any of that had something to do with this coercion of his.

I looked David deep in his eyes, realizing I’d been unfair to him. He had grown feelings. He was managing those feelings, sure, but they were there. And I had done nothing but use him as a pawn. I hadn’t taken the time to respect his feelings, and there he was giving me the opportunity to do so.

He was attractive. I was attracted to him. But everytime he and I got together, the timing wasn’t right. I never should have seduced him on Tear Night. I never should have ignited the tinder box of those feelings. It wasn’t fair to him, and it was now biting me in the ass.

And yet here I was, not only dealing with the sins of so many others that Tear Night, but also coming face to face with my own.

“When would you like me to reassure you, David?” I asked, showing that he had won, and I was giving in. I wanted my response to at least appear eager. I could give the kid one swallow to keep him in the fray, I decided. I had three weeks of leeway to do so. And if an intimate moment was all he wanted, then so be it, I thought.

“Well I have lineups every night, and then we walk back to the dorms all together. So I wouldn’t be able to sneak up after. Plus I’d be tired.”

I licked my bottom lip.

“Well if I remember your schedule correctly, Wednesdays were always good for us. When we had that routine going,” I suggested. For the first time during our lunch, David cracked a smile.

“We could do Wednesday,” he replied. “Just tell me what time to come over.”

Without even thinking about the implications, I told David I would make sure his Pledge Class President knew I needed his help the following day. He didn’t seem to be bothered that Lee would most likely piece together why I needed my little for an entire afternoon, all things considered.

For the next twenty-four hours, I dodged the same questions that Dominic had hammered at me after the article came out. It wasn’t as intense as I’d made it out to be in my head, but it was intense nonetheless. Students wanted to know who the guys involved were. Professors who knew of my involvement with the paper asked if I could comment. My pledge brothers drilled me at dinner nonstop about what I knew.

But just as I had with Dom, and just as Alex and I had practiced over and over, I reiterated the line that I left the paper, knew nothing, and was watching it all play out like everyone else. My talking points were simple, but firm. Unwavering. I reassured everyone who asked that I had nothing to do with anything, and I stuck to that story.

There was a simmering hunt on campus for who the ‘anonymous’ source for the article was, seeing as there was no byline. There was chatter around who the six guys mentioned in the article were, and if they would ever be named. If their houses would be named. But the chatter was only that. Chatter.

David came by the next afternoon around two, dressed in slim jeans that were too short for his tall frame, a sweater, and a standard issue black Northface jacket, that he immediately shed when he walked into my room.

He was beaming, unlike the last two times I’d seen him. I could tell he was eager, I shot up from what I was working on, and met him halfway from the door.

It felt like a chore, even though David was certified hot. Even so, giving him a big hug and a kiss while he disrobed wasn’t the worst way to spend an afternoon.

“I thought today would never come,” he whispered, deciding early not to play it cool at all.

“David, I always forget how cute you are,” I smiled, kissing him again. I rubbed our chests together, leaned my entire body into him, and gave him a firm squeeze. He moaned into my mouth as our tongues found each other’s.

I pulled his sweater over his head, and we both stood there shirtless, caressing each other. My chest up against his, a tent forming in my sweats. I reached down and felt the bulge in his jeans.

Instinctively, I knelt down in front of my little, groped his bulge, and inhaled his scent. I manufactured a moan, as I reached up to undo his jeans. We made eye contact, and I smiled up at him. If this is what it took to keep him here, I was ready to do it.

I pushed any thoughts of Mike aside, and instead, dove into David’s cock. It sprung out of his tight boxer briefs.

The first thing I noticed was that he’d trimmed his bush since the last time I saw him. Everything, including his balls, were cleaned up. I gave him a quick lick with my warm tongue, and immediately his cock sprung to full mast, hitting me in the chin, and leaving a slimy trail of clear liquid precum. I smiled up at him, noticing that I was firming up as well.

The next thing I noticed, as I slid his pants down to his ankles and grasped his ass, was how firm his cheeks were. Physical Training and the lineups with his class were working wonders on the guy’s physique. His legs weren’t the scrawny freshman legs I’d knelt between a few months prior. His ass was rounded out and so squeezable. HIs thighs had filled out tremendously.

I rubbed his legs up and down as I slowly began to bob on his firm cock. It was at full mast within seconds. Heavy in my mouth, David began to rock back and forth, penetrating my lips and forcing his way down my throat.

I relaxed on my knees as he stood above me, directing things. I let him be in control. I felt like that was what he wanted. He hadn’t been in control in any other aspect of his life, and guys like David and I needed to feel that. Like we were calling the shots, even when we weren’t.

I let my tongue explore his cock while he fucked my face, causing friction so pleasurable on the underside of his cock. Every time the head slid past my tongue, I felt him tense up with pleasure.

But this kid didn’t come here for a quick blow and go, I knew that much. This was my one no holds barred attempt at keeping him in the house, and in the family. That wouldn’t do with just a blow job, I decided. I had three weeks to reassure him.

When I felt like he was tensing up under my touch just a hint too much, I pushed back and stood up. There was an audible moan from the freshman, as if he didn’t want me to stop, ever. I gave him a quick kiss, just long enough for him to taste his own precum. Then without missing a beat, I lowered my own sweats down, and pulled David to the bed.

I laid back and arched as he slid on top of me. With our height disparity, when I wrapped my legs around David, I could feel my rock hard dick slide back and forth on his stomach. He slid in, kissing me, and I immediately felt his dick sliding up and down my ass. I licked his ear, bit his neck, and elicited the rawest of moans and grunts from the oversexed freshman boy.

“Want to fuck me, David?” I whispered. He nodded, biting down on my neck. I squirmed. For an assignment, this didn’t feel half bad.

“Fuck yeah.”

“Will that be reassuring enough for you?”

“Fuck yeah, big.”

Something about hearing him say that sent a chill down my spine, causing me to lift my hips higher and align my ass with his waiting cock.

We went through the awkward phase of David getting up and fishing for some lube and a condom. I could tell by how frantically he rummaged around for the supplies that he was as eager as I’d ever seen anyone. Within a minute, we were back in place and ready to go. I gripped the back of David's neck as he pressed his entire weight on me, pushing in slowly. The benefits of being fucked by a taller guy is that they can lean in with their long torsos and kiss you passionately while they penetrate you.

And that’s exactly what he did. I felt his lips on mine, his tongue dancing in my mouth, as he slowly pushed in. I let out a gasp. He stopped. I bucked forward, encouraging him to continue.

I couldn’t help myself. Yes, this was a complete calculation on my part. Yes, I wouldn’t have been in this position if he hadn’t threatened to leave the house. Yes, I was doing this for the greater good. And yes, there was a man who wanted to make things official in less than a month.

But I couldn’t lie and say I didn’t enjoy the penetration. I couldn’t lie and say I didn’t love how David stroked my prostate with his huge proportionately shaped cock. I couldn’t lie and say I wasn’t on the verge of orgasm as our bodies rubbed together, creating the kind of friction that was special and unique to a frat pledge and his big.

“Oh fuck, big,” David repeated, turning me on.

“Fuck me, little. Fuck me,” I cried. “Fuck me like you mean it!”

Our moans were in sync, almost in unison. What had started as a clinical seduction was now a full on passionate love making session.

I thought about what was going on in David’s mind. I hoped he knew this was a rare occasion that I was letting us experience. We couldn’t continue to cross this line every time he felt insecure about our relationship, but for now, with my next finish line three weeks away, I let myself escape and enjoy the moment.

“Fuck, little!” I shouted. I felt myself tense up. The friction between my cock and David’s abs was getting to be too much. I bit down on his lower lip.

“I’m going to cum,” I panted. “Keep fucking me. I’m going to come.”

David pulled my hands over my head, intertwined our fingers, and continued to thrust. Then just as I reached the brink, he sat up, grabbed my hips, looked me right in the eye as I took in every inch of his beautiful body. He grunted once more with a big push of his cock, and at that moment, we both simultaneously let loose.

At some point while I was experiencing the fiercest orgasm, the first since Mike and I finished in the frat shower the day before, I realized that David had ripped off the condom and was cumming all over my torso.

I felt the splatter hit close to my chin as I watched him mark his territory with his seed. He was declaring me his, reassuring himself all over my naked body.

We came down together, David next to me, our bodies wet and sticky at the same time. He pulled me into a side hug as he nestled into my nook. I stared up at the ceiling, a thousand thoughts running through my mind. As I thought through my next moves, the next three weeks, and everything in between, I felt something on my chest.

It was a rumbling from David’s cheeks. I looked down and realized he was breathing heavily, almost snoring, but not quite. I ran my fingers through his hair, and as gently as I could, scooted off the bed, cleaned myself off, and pulled on my clothes. I covered his naked body with my Zac Efron throw blanket. I picked up his phone and flicked the switch to turn it to silent. I then messaged Lee that I was turning David’s phone off for the rest of the afternoon so he could get some rest, but he’d need to make sure that he made it to study hall that evening on time. Lee responded with a simple okay.

I then got dressed quickly, lit a candle to air out the smell in the room, packed up my things, and made my way to the basement of the library. Before I left David alone, I pulled open my laptop and put on some light music for him. I kissed him on the cheek, and let him sleep.

When I got to the library, I checked out a laptop from the front desk since I had left mine back with David so he could sleep more peacefully.

I made my way downstairs, and settled into my study carrel and began the arduous task of writing the apologies for the six guys involved in the sexual assault case.

I wanted each apology to be written in a singular style, but also to be cohesive. I wanted them to seem believable, that they could be written by a bunch of sad sack jocks, but also coherent, professional, and impactful. It was a fine balancing act, and I didn’t have much time. Alex wanted to review the statements, and give the guys a chance to read them over, before taking them to print before five.

I was down in the drafty basement, typing away, when I felt a hand on my shoulder.

“This is why?” I looked up to see Pete standing there above me. I immediately froze. As much as someone like Pete stayed at the forefront of my thoughts, I had been so preoccupied with everything else going on, I hadn’t even taken the time to think what his reaction to the article would be. In all complete honesty, I hadn’t taken the time to think about Pete since the moment Mike had walked into my bedroom. He took my breath away, standing there above me, looking down on me with an expression I’ll never forget as long as I live.

Remorse.

Remorse for the both of us. Remorse at what he’d said over the phone. Remorse at letting us get to the point we had gotten. Remorse at letting our relationship degrade to the point that I was this shocked to see him even standing there looking at me.

It took me a second to think about not only how Pete had found me, but how he had linked me to the article. It was stupid thing to wonder, in hindsight. Of course he’d put together my sudden breaking things off, the stress I was clearly under, and the article coming out into one big perspective, tied together with the neat bow of me hiding away from civilization in the dark library basement. Of course he would, and he’d have a unique insight into it. Everyone else could speculate, and they had speculated for an entire day and a half. But Pete knew. I had told him I was embarking on something he couldn’t be a part of, and here it was.

“This is why?”

The Big Why.

I shifted in my seat, and turned my neck slightly.

“Pete,” I began.

“You’re the one that wrote this.” His voice was barely above a whisper. I didn’t respond. Instead, I felt a tear drop down my face.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Again, I didn’t respond. I just swallowed heavily and shrugged.

“You didn’t trust that I could do this with you?” I searched his face. It was riddled with hurt. There was a bit of regret in his eyes, as if he was saying he hadn’t earned my trust, not that I’d refused it. I read his pain.

“Can we talk somewhere else?” I stood and closed my laptop, finally realizing how exposed we were in the basement. I looked around and all the rows of carrels were empty. Still, I led Pete to a study room on the far side of that particular floor. There were thirteen computers against three walls. The fourth wall had a window and a table underneath it with a printer. There was a long table that spanned the entire middle of the room. Pete and I silently sat across from each other.

By then, my tears had subsided and I was ready to come clean. I could do this with him, and him alone, but I needed some reassurance first.

“I can explain everything,” I said. I continued to search his face for signs of his reaction. “But Pete, I need to know that you won’t tell anyone about any of this. I’m so very sorry for what I did to you, but when you hear what’s happening, what’s going to happen, you’ll understand why I needed to do this alone. Why I need to do this alone.”

“Corbin, I don’t care what’s happening. You didn’t trust me to support you on this.”

“I didn’t trust anyone,” I countered. “Not my pledge brothers. Not Amanda. No one.”

The lie stung, but it was for the best. In reality, Mike had helped with the take down, and parts of this master plan were born while he shared my bed.

“I just… it’s more complicated than just an article. And the way you’re looking at me…”

“I’m looking at you like this because I could have been here for you if you’d let me. This is awful, I’ll grant you that,” he said. I swallowed the boulder that was in my chest. “But Corbin, I get why you did it. I get why someone needed to get ahead of this story. I don’t hate you for that.”

“You should,” I said. “You should. And it’s not just the story.”

“You keep saying that.”

“I traded something to write that story. I quit the paper, I don’t even know what will happen if people find out that I wrote it, but Pete, I made a trade. And it will come out soon, and when it does, people are going to start piecing things together. I’ll minimize it, sure, but there will be dust. And I don’t know how long it will take to settle. And by the time it does, you’ll be on some airbus back to England.”

This time it was Pete’s turn to swallow and look me deep in the eye.

There are moments when you wonder if you’re doing the right thing. And those moments haunt you forever. This whole ordeal was a series of these moments, and I was coming to terms with that, staring into Pete’s eyes, about to tell him the truth.

But something in his gaze reassured me. Something made me feel comfortable telling him.

“Corbin,” he said finally before I had the chance to open my mind to explain. “I don’t care what you did, or why. You ending things last week was the hardest thing I’ve ever been through. This is such a stupid reason to send me away. And I can’t imagine how lonely this has been for you.”

He reached over the table and took my hands.

“I’m on this journey with you, Corbin. This last week without you has shown me everything I need to know. I want to be on this walk with you. We can get through this. Together.”

Without responding, Pete stood up and scooped me out of my chair in one strong motion. I stood next to him, waiting to see what he would do. He put his chin on the top of my head, brought me in for the most reassuring hug I’d ever felt, and without even hearing the rest of my explanation, I felt Pete assure me that he and I could get through whatever came next. That was the power of his embrace. I knew I would survive this. We could survive this. No matter what happened.

Together.