No going back - 10. A sort of boyfriend

Somehow, I'd acquired a boyfriend, or something. He was more than a fuck-buddy. That's what I thought Colin might be at first, just a guy to meet up with and have sex. And it was good sex, he was starting to let go and I was finding my mojo again. But we had fun too, even the simple act of going to the Chinese take-away after work became a bit more of an event. Drinks at the wine bar on Friday were funny, we both had such different expectations. For Colin, it was a bit fancier than he was used to and the idea of casually grazing was something he'd only have done at home. He didn't recognise all the cheeses and the cold meats, but he tasted each one carefully and talked about them. None of my sort of smash and grab approach. For me the place was trying a bit too hard, gussying things up a bit too much, whereas my ideal was a more neighbourhood sort of bar that I realised was going to be non-existent here. This was 'going out' and so it had to be a bit high end. I was going to have to adjust my attitudes.

As we left, Colin asked me what I thought of the bar. I temporised, trying not to be too dismissive, and the food had been good, the service attentive, but...

"I expect it was a bit different to what you get in London. Places in town tend to try a bit hard, they want you to think that you are getting something, that they are fancy", he smiled, "when all's said and done it was just a bit of cheese, some salami and wine. Granted, all nice stuff."

"My taste is for something a bit simpler, less fussy. There are a couple of places in London near my old flat that I liked. Good food, nice wine, casual atmosphere"

"No side"

"Yes", I was surprised at his perspicacity, his picking up on my thoughts, "I don't want people to make too much of a fuss, just because the food is good. I've been to some lovely provincial restaurants in France where the food was superb, but everyone was laid-back and friendly."

He shook his head, "Last time I went to France was with the school. I've been to Belgium a few times with the guys", by this I'd learned he meant the blokes he'd learned the trade with and had stayed in touch with, "but that was more about the booze. Nice mussels and chips though", he gave another grin.

It was like that; I'd find my attitudes being adjusted. And I was having fun. Shit.

---

Mhairi and I were having lunch. I'd had a ridiculously early morning video conference and so had taken a big chunk out of the day in recompense. We weren't having a posh lunch, just buy a sandwich and sit in the Minster yard, but it was lovely.

"Did Mother teach you how to cook? I sort of vaguely remember you saying something about having to learn from your housemates at college."

"Mum was completely uninterested in cooking and thought that as long as I had basic skills, I was OK."

"Basic skills?"

She grimaced, "Boil an egg, make scrambled, boil a potato, grill a sausage. As far as she was concerned, the rest you just read on the packet or something. Quicker and easier the better."

"More time for proper things."

She rolled her eyes, "Yes. None of the stuff I knew was economic or nutritious, the girls at college were horrified. My housemate, Keri-Anne took me under her wing, and I learned all sort of one-pot recipes that stood me in good stead for years. What brought that on?"

I shrugged, "We were chatting last week about learning to cook at home and how much we had and hadn't learned."

"We?", she cocked her head on one side and look at me slyly.

I sighed, "Oh, it's not like that. Well, not very much. I've started to get friendly with the builder bloke, Colin. He's a nice bloke, friendly, likes music. We find we can chat about things and have fun. We've had a couple of meals together."

"Are we allowed to use the B word?"

I wrinkled my nose, "Not really. He's mega in the closet and rather scared. As far as the world is concerned, he's my builder and we've become mates. That's it. I can live with it like that, for now at least".

"But..."

"It might become a bit wearing. It's difficult to explain to someone who's heterosexual. Being gay can be a big thing, and not everyone copes with being out. Some live their lives in the closet, constantly worried folk’ll find out."

"Is Colin like that?"

"Not sure, I certainly hope not. He’s occasionally let himself off the leash and had fun in London.”

“Well away from home.”

“Yeah. Seems that his widowed Mother's a bit of a dragon and I think he's frightened of her, and he has an elder brother who seems to think that Colin's role is to look after Mum."

"Nice!"

"Yeah. I try and keep my mouth shut."

"Mmm. Expectations. People's expectations of what you ought to be."

"Yep. Colin has a side-kick at work, Jimmie. Bloke is a good worker, nice enough, but a motor mouth and cracks jokes about me being a shirt-lifter. He really thinks he's being funny but Colin..." I sighed.

"Is mortified, but too scared to do anything."

"Yeah. I'm enjoying doing things with him. Not just the intimate bits, even going for a meal is fun but having to keep everything light. He freaked out at first when Jimmie started working, then came round to apologise, with a bunch of freesias."

"Sweet!"

"He's built like a brick shit house, so not looking sweet. That's half the fun", I wiggled my eyebrows, "He stayed, made me dinner, and we had a drink at Verro, that new wine bar place, on Friday."

"Ritzy!"

"Yeah, bit too fancy for my taste, nice food though. And on Saturday I'm going to his place. He's cooking."

"Best of luck"

I was, in fact, a bit nervous about Saturday. I didn't really know what to expect, but I suspected that Colin was nervous too. I was worried that he was going to put on a big show, when really, I was happy with his company and a classy take away or something like the food he'd cooked at my place. But saying too much seemed as if I would be denigrating his efforts.

And my chat with Mhairi had been worrying in other ways. When I'd asked about Joe, all I'd got was a 'he's fine'. I didn't feel I was in a position to dig, so had to leave it. It wasn't as if I could manage to bump into to Joe somewhere, our lives hardly intertwined, and I was a bit too new on the scene to be certain what I could do. I would have to think.

---

The bloody meeting over-ran, so I was late. But in fact, it played into my hands as I passed Joe as I was driving to his school. I had had a brain-wave, I would wait at the school on the same day of the week as Mhairi and I had done the other month, when Joe and I had had that first chat. And I had lucked out, there he was. I tooted and stopped. He was polite but monosyllabic, and when I asked whether he fancied joining me for cake, he glared.

"Did Mum put you up to this?"

"Your Mum? Quite the opposite. We had lunch, the other day and she was desperate not to talk about you. It got me curious and worried. I'm not really far enough into your Mum's good books to simply ask her stuff like that directly and get a proper answer, and I figured that it was ages since I'd seen you and we could have cake. We can chat about anything you want, my new house, my new boyfriend, the important things in your life, the football."

His eyes had lit up when I mentioned my boyfriend and they had been on the verge of rolling when I'd mentioned football. He got in and we drove to the same café as before.

"You're not needed at home or anything?"

He shrugged, "Mum's at work still. I've got homework, but I can do that later, it's easy stuff tonight." He devoted his attention to the cake for a bit. "Mum didn't say anything?"

"Not a thing. But the way she said that you were fine when I asked was so like my Mother when she really meant the opposite, that I took a punt. Look, you can tell me to bugger off. I was serious, we can chat about anything, or nothing."

"You won't tell Mum?"

"Course not. If I did, I'd have to first off tell her that I'd gone behind her back to meet you. I suspect that your Mum would be just as happy to ball me out as you. So no, I won't tell her anything. Unless it's illegal. It's not something stupid like that is it?"

"Nah. It's well, about acting. And money."

Acting, indeed. I could see that might cause problems. Mother and Father hadn't really approved of such 'showing off'. The little TV that we watched had tended to be for news and documentaries, educational programmes. Neither Mhairi nor I had ever really followed any of the popular TV series talked about by our peers. Mhairi let slip occasionally that she watched TV at friends' houses, whilst of course, I listened to the radio with Lily, music mainly but sometimes plays. Those were our escapes. I wondered how Mhairi felt about acting now; she might have relaxed when it came to the Brethren's more extreme views, but things like that rubbed off.

"So, acting?"

Joe pulled a face. "Last year, I did a bit of acting at school. Nothing much, but I enjoyed it. Mum and Dad didn't know anything about it."

I smiled, "You managed that?"

He gave a wry grin, "Yeah, bit tricky, but it was OK. I wanted to do more, but Dad found out and went ballistic. But then things with Mum and Dad went funny and well, I sort of managed to wangle the time."

"They were too busy arguing to notice?"

He shrugged, "Something like that. And a couple of mates ran interference for me.", he looked down at his hands, "I don't know whether I'm any good, but I enjoy it. Since Dad left, I've been going along to a theatre workshop for young people, we sort of do scenes, talking about acting as well as doing it. And I've been learning a lot, not just acting but all the other things you need to do, sets, costumes, lights, stage-management. They have a Summer Course, and those that go on it have a good chance of getting picked for the big Autumn production. Thing is, it's expensive. It's local-like but lasts a month and you have to find the money for fees."

"Aren't there bursaries and that?"

"Yeah, but the first pick goes to people who've been going there longest, and I haven't and there are none left. So, I'm a bit stuck. It’s pay up or nothing."

"And what does your Mum think?"

"It's a nice hobby, but nothing more. Not worth wasting money on, I should get a proper Summer job, learning how to make my way in the world."

"Bloody hell, she sounds a bit like Father."

"Yeah, it was all a bit fierce. Thing is, I mentioned the money from your Grandad's will, and she went ballistic."

"Well, we haven't got the money yet. The probate stuff is taking an age."

"But it is coming, isn't it?"

"So we've been told. But. I can see your Mum's point, not spending what you haven't got."

"She said that if I worked this Summer and that, and saved then we could do it next year. But that's too late."

"All the decent roles gone, and everyone more experienced than you?"

"Yeah. It sucks."

"Look, I can't do much. If I even chat to your Mum about it, I'll have to tell her that I went behind her back to meet up with you."

"Yeah."

"I will have a think."

---

"Have you ever acted?"

Colin guffawed so much he was in danger of dropping his Chow Mein. The Chinese take-away near the house was just a converted corner shop, almost the sole survivor of a whole series of local shops that had died out. It had a couple of wooden picnic tables outside, and a wall for perching if things got really busy. We were sitting outside, eating our Chow Mein or whatever, having had a lively session in the house, behind closed doors. Sex was turning into a regular thing, but it was these little chats that I enjoyed as well. I was going to Colin's for a meal at the weekend, and wondered whether we could grow the relationship.

"Me! Act? You've got to be joking. It scares me enough to go on stage at the back of the choir where there are plenty of others there to cover your arse if you mess up."

"So, how did you get into singing then?"

"I'd always enjoyed it, but it was more in the pub and at matches, sort of thing. I didn't know anyone who did it properly and growing up we weren't really church or chapel, so there'd been no regular singing there. I once mentioned it in the pub and the guys thought I was a bit barmy", he gave an embarrassed shrug, "so I left it. But then I saw a leaflet for an adult education class. The Can't Sing Choir or summat. It was on a night I could manage, and I figured I'd give it a go."

He took a big mouthful of his meal before continuing. We had the seating area to ourselves, eating out of take-away boxes with disposable plastic chopsticks. In my old life, I'd have been horrified but... Well. It was rather fun; not in a slumming it, sort of way, but because it was simpler pleasures. The food was actually pretty good, and there was something relaxing about the whole thing. Mouthful chewed the proper 32 times, or whatever, Colin continued.

"I nearly didn't go. Felt a right tit and walked up and down the street outside, a lot. Then I thought, don't be an idiot. It were mainly older women, with a few men. But they were a friendly lot and, well, I enjoyed learning. We'd get tapes to sing along to, as practice", he gave an embarrassed smile, "I felt idiotic but enjoyed it. That year gave me a bit of confidence and the next year I took up with a choir for those with no experience, but the stuff we sang wasn't really to my taste. Too many pop songs and stuff from shows. I heard the men's choir by accident, they were doing an outside thing in the Market Place last Summer, raising money for charity, and I thought why not give it a go. A bloke was handing out leaflets. They were mainly older blokes but enough youngsters to make it seem OK. There we are. What about you?"

"Well, singing was simply hymns at Church, except that Lily took me along to hear the Minster choir and I realised there was something more. Like you, I came across someone handing out leaflets, only this was at Uni for the main choir. It was a big choir, somewhere for a beginner to get lost in, but everyone was friendly and helpful and there were plenty of other newbies like me. I found that I enjoyed it, and a friend in the choir helped me to learn a bit of music theory, which made learning the music easier. In London, I started singing in a choir regularly, found I hadn't the time for regular rehearsals, missed it, started another one, stopped that", I shrugged, "I never did get back properly, but I got on a couple of lists and people would ask me for big projects, you know so many rehearsals in a few weeks and then give a concert, that was manageable. Then I was ill, and now I'm here."

"You planning on singing again?"

"Yes. But I'm well out of practice, not sure I have much of a voice. I think I need to dig up some confidence and work out what I want to do."

"Why did you ask about acting?"

I laughed, "Ah that. Yes. It's my nephew, Joe."

"He an actor? I thought he was at school?"

"Yes, to both, sort of. He's discovered he enjoys it and wants to do more. But it's tricky. My relationship with my sister, Mhairi, is still fragile."

"I thought you'd got things back together?"

"Sort of, but it's very new. I'd not met her till Father's funeral."

Colin looked confused, "But I thought..."

"When I left, she was firmly in the arms of the Brethren and eventually acquired a husband who was also a stalwart church-goer. We didn't communicate. Then just before I was ill, we tentatively did so, but only via Facebook. I came to realise that her attitudes had changed."

"Bloody hell, so you didn't speak to her for, what, 20 years?"

"Getting on for that. Having dropped out, I didn't have the courage and frankly, the way the family dropped me. I didn't want to."

"What changed, then?"

"Mhairi, my sister, sort of came adrift from the church and her husband. It wasn't pretty, but she's now single and Nathan, her husband, is sort of still in the dog-house. But I think there's still church attitudes in there."

"She don't like acting?"

"Something like that, certainly doesn't take it seriously or perhaps doesn't want Joe to take it seriously. He wants to go on a Summer acting course; it evidently helps to broaden their horizons and prepares them for next year's youth theatre production. Those who go on the course get first dibs at roles next season. Only it costs, and he doesn't qualify for a bursary."

"And your sister won't pay?"

"Something like that. Once my Father's will has gone through probate, we'll get some money from his Father's estate", I rolled my eyes, "It's a bit complicated and all a bit of a mess. Joe sees things simplistically and doesn't see why his Mum shouldn't anticipate the legacy and pay for his course. She feels differently."

"So?"

"Sorry, I shouldn't be rambling."

"Not, it's OK. I moan enough about Mum and Miles, no reason you shouldn't get to do the same about your folk. What mates are for", and he gave me a warm grin.

"I was wondering about asking Mhairi if I could pay for it, problem is..."

"She might say 'bugger off."

"Something like that. I think her objection is what we said, she doesn't like acting."

"Wants your nephew to have a proper career. I still reckon you could say something, like. Wouldn't hurt, would it? After all she's your sister."

I went home and drafted an email but didn't send it. Next morning, I went over it again, left it and finally sent it. It was quite simple, I just said that I'd bumped into Joe after school and as I hadn't seen him for ages, we'd had cake. He'd mentioned the acting thing, and I wondered whether she'd let me pay for the course, being as he was so set on it.

She didn't reply, but that evening I got a phone call. My ears were still burning an hour or so later. She had been furious, how dare I! I had left the family 20 years ago, and I could not presume on a few months friendship to dictate to her, how she brought up her son. Acting was not a serious profession, and she had no intention of letting Joe delude himself. There was lots more. Not nasty, but simply hurtful. The idea that it was my fault that I'd left the family, the idea that I wanted to muscle in. It was clear, that for all our cosy lunches and coffee chats, underneath there were still repercussions from the last 20 years.

It was going to be a slow process, and with one simple email I had managed to fuck things up again.