Before And After the Divorce - 19. The Outcome, and Getting Away

It was still early in the day, but I needed a calming infusion. I don't usually drink sweet drinks, but I needed something and didn't want to have a tumbler of whiskey in front of me if the boys came out of Dominic's room. I made another pot of coffee and spiked a mug with Bailey's. Just enough to relax me for a while. I will also need something else to do to take my mind off him.

"Dominic, Mark, can you guys come out here for a second?"

Their pounding footsteps in the hall heralded their arrival.

"I'm going to call your mom. Give, Mark, and see if she's okay with me taking you out somewhere."

Mark cocked his head to the side. "Where?"

"I'm not sure yet. Let's just say it will be fun and dinner."

"Cool. "

"If your mom agrees, I’ll let you know what I’m thinking. Does that sound fair?" I didn’t want to get their hopes up in case she said no.

"Yeah!"
"Sure!"

Their enthusiasm was contagious, and I looked forward to a fun distraction." As you were, troops." I called Mark's mother, expecting she was done with her errands.

"Hello?"

"Mrs. Madison?" I wasn’t sure of her first name, so I took the safe route.

"Yes. Who is this?"

"It's Dylan Pastore, Dominic's father."

"Is everything alright with Mark? He's not hurt, is he?"

"No. Nothing like that. I'm considering taking the boys to the Olympic Fun Center. I just wanted to clear that with you first."

"Oh, how nice of you. Yes, that would be fine."

"Good. I don’t like Dominic to sit around all day. It’s good for them to get out and burn some energy. They're playing in Dominic's room, but one never knows how long that will last."

Mrs. Madison chuckled. "I understand completely. We let them stay up late last night so we'd have a chance to get ourselves a peaceful breakfast. Will you need Mark's booster seat?'

"Oh. Yeah. Forgot about that. Thanks for the reminder. "

"That's understandable. Since Mark was going to be down there, and Gary is at a friend’s, Ben and I decided to go out this afternoon. We'll be leaving in about an hour. I can bring it in for you if that's convenient?"

"Yes, that'd be great, Mrs. Madison."

"Call me Dolly."

I suppressed a laugh. I thought her name was Tina or something. "Dolly? Like the President’s wife??"

She giggled. "No. I just like hearing people's reactions. It's Tammy."

"You sure got me. Okay, Tammy, I'll see you in about an hour. I was also thinking about doing dinner at Olympic, so that's perfect timing."

"See you then."

"Bye."

The hour would be enough to let the Bailey's dissipate enough not to impair me. I hadn’t added much to the coffee. I called Dad to let him know he wouldn't need to watch the boys tonight, and to ask him if he wanted to go along. While he appreciated the offer, being somewhere with fifty or a hundred screaming kids wasn't anything he would do voluntarily. He asked how the night with Jackson went. I deflected and told him to come over later. I wanted to talk to him about it anyway. He sensed the concern in my voice and said just give him a call when we were on our way back.

After Tammy dropped off Mark's booster seat, we headed to my truck and off to the fun center. The boys had a blast. I bought each of us a wristband since it would have cost more for each attraction individually. Granted, I wasn't going into the play zone other than to sit and watch them, but the wristbands made it easier. We got a pizza for dinner, and then the boys played some more. They really liked the rock wall. I guess I had two mountain climbers on my hands. They were able to conquer the two easiest sides. I was coerced into trying the hardest side. Since it was pretty much made for kids, I was able to prove my mountaineering expertise. Okay, so I didn't need any real expertise, but the boys were impressed.

When we got back home, Dad was already there. I told the kids to go play, and I would be talking to Grandpa. After Dominic's obligatory pop-Pop-hug, they vacated the living room.

I sat with a heavy sigh. "I'd ask you if you wanted something to drink, but I see you made yourself a coffee, so no point in asking."

"I didn't think you'd mind." Dad sipped his coffee. "You sounded serious when you mentioned the night with Jackson."

I propped my elbows on the table and dropped my head in my hands "Yeah. I didn't even stay the night."

"Uh, oh. What happened?"

I looked up and shook my head. "Well, we made love. I used a condom. He didn't—without asking or telling me beforehand."

Dad’s expression clouded. "That was incredibly stupid."

"No kidding. I got upset, obviously, and left. I called him earlier this afternoon and said I didn't want to see him for a while."

"I'd say you did the right thing. Is for a while going to be forever?"

I shrugged. "I honestly don't know. Once again, with him tutoring Dominic, it muddies the waters."

"I get that, but what he did was extremely selfish. I'm sure you're wondering what other surprises may be lurking."

"Yeah, but they'd have to be bad to beat that one. I like him, but I don't know if I can get past that. If we break up, I don't think he'd take it out on Dominic, but he's already shown a propensity for transferring his anger from elsewhere onto Dominic, if not the other kids he teaches. I obviously can't do anything about the others, but I must protect Dom."

Dad frowned. "Of course. I obviously can't empathize with what you're feeling, but I do understand that trust between partners, hetero or not, is crucial for a successful relationship. I'd have to bet he stomped any trust you may have had in him."

"That he did."

"You have an advantage over any issues I may have had with your mother. You're not married, and you've only dated him a few times. If it were me, and I'm not telling you what to do, I'd end it and pull Dominic out of his program. If his teacher recommended him to Jackson, maybe she's smart enough to follow through on the grade skipping."

I bit my bottom lip. "Maybe, but I'm not even sure that's the best thing for him, emotionally. He has his friends. Being in a different grade may destroy a lot of those friendships. Not to mention the scars he still has from Lacy's trauma and death."

"You're right."

"Well, I told Jackson I'd call him later in the week. Jensen is cutting back to three teams and is doing some rearranging. I have that to think about for the next few days. So, I have time before making a firm decision on Jackson. I may end up with Zach on my team."

Dad’s eyes widened. "Boy, that complicates things."

"Yeah. If he gets wind that I broke up with Jackson…" I shook my head. "I like him too, but there's no way I can have a relationship with him if he works for me. Plus, he's been flaky. After I told him earlier this week there was no chance for us, he pretended I didn't exist. I'm pretty sure I don't want to start things back up with him anyway."

"I don't envy you your position."

I leaned back in my chair and sighed. "Yeah. Me neither. Well, thanks for listening. Do you want another coffee or anything?"

"No. I'm good. Another coffee this late and I won't sleep. I'll leave you to your thoughts. Call me if you need anything."

"Will do. Goodnight dad. I love you."

"I love you too, son."

I let the boys stay up later than I normally would have, but they were already fading by ten-thirty. If Tammy was good with eleven o'clock last night, ten-thirty wouldn't raise any eyebrows. After they said goodnight, I finally got around to that tumbler of Jack Daniels. I took it to my room and stared at the TV for a while, wondering how things got so fucked up in my life. It's been about three and a half months since things went in the shitter with Lacy's tumor. The tumor, remission, aneurysms, and death, Zach, Herb, Jackson, Zach again. If felt overwhelming and never-ending. When are things going to get sane again? Fuck. Maybe Twisted Sister was right.

Oh, it's the price we gotta pay
And all the games we gotta play
Makes me wonder if it's worth it to carry on

I ended up refilling the tumbler three times that night. It wasn’t the smartest thing with two boys in the house, but my insecurities took charge, hence the stupidity. I needed to numb my brain so it wouldn’t follow a path I didn’t want to go down.

Sunday

I woke up around eight o'clock with the worst hangover I've ever had. Acetaminophen helped a little bit but didn't chase the bad thoughts away. Alcohol wasn't going to cut it today. I knew self-medicating was not the way to go, but I didn't think I had any choice. The problem was that alcohol was the only avenue I had immediate access to. I'd never done drugs and wouldn't have a single clue where to get any. Fuck!

Dominic looked up from the floor where he and Mark sat watching cartoons. "You okay Daddy?"

Shit, did I say that out loud?

"Yeah Dominic, I just banged my elbow on something. Sorry about the bad word."

"Oh."

I wondered how long they’ve been up. I thought they would have slept in after staying up late two nights in a row. Damn it. Get your head straight, Dylan. Dominic must come first. I knew I wouldn't get hold of him on a Sunday, but I called Dr. Benjamin Aslers, who I've been taking Dominic to. I got his answering service.

"Dr. Aslers service. This is Flo. How can I help you?"

"Hi, Flo. My name is Dylan Pastore. I've been seeing Dr. Aslers with and without my son Dominic for about three months now. Things aren't going well for me right now, and I’m having difficulty coping."

"Are you considering suicide?"

The word stopped me. I realized exactly where my dark thoughts were leading me. "Not seriously, but the idea is stuck in my head."

"Is the number you're calling from a good callback number?"

"Yes."

"I will get hold of Dr. Aslers. He'll call you back as soon as he can. Is there anyone there with you?"

"Just my son and his friend."

"How old is your son?"

"Seven."

"Is there someone else you can call to come over and, um, keep an eye on you?"

"Yeah, my father lives close."

"Call him and ask him to come over. Dr. Aslers will call ASAP. Can you do that?"

"Yes."

"More importantly, will you do that?"

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. "Yes. I'll call as soon as I hang up."

"I'm calling you back in five minutes to make sure you did. I want your father to call this number when he arrives."

She gave me a direct contact number.

"Yes. I'll do that."

I ended the call and hit Dad’s contact. "Hi Dylan, what's up?"

"Hi, Dad. Can you come over? I'm having a hard time of it right now. I called the psychologist, psychiatrist, whatever he is. He's supposed to call back as soon as he can, but the service recommended I call someone else."

"Are you thinking of doing something?"

"Not really, but the thought of it is like a bug in my brain I can't get rid of."

I heard shuffling noises from the other end of the line. "I'll be right there. Don't move."

I squeezed my eyes shut, effectively damming the tears that prickled behind my lids. "Thanks. I won't."

As promised, a couple more minutes passed, and the phone rang. It was Flo again. I told her my dad was on his way.

"Good. Have him call me as soon as he gets there. How long do you think it will take him?"

"No more than five or ten minutes, depending on whether he's dressed yet."

"Stay on the line and just say something to me every minute or so."

"Why?"

"So I can keep an eye on you until he gets there."

"What if the doctor calls?"

"Then you hang up with me, and I set a timer for fifteen minutes. If I haven't heard from your father, you're getting a visit from the police for a wellness check."

I blinked twice. "Wow. You're serious."

"Yes, sir. Self-harm is not something we fool around with. Even just fleeting thoughts of it. Remember, every minute."

"Got it."

I don't really think I'm suicidal, but I suppose they're not taking any chances. I'd said, "I'm still here" three times before my phone buzzed with another call.

"That must be the doctor. I'll have my dad call you."

"Fifteen minutes."

"Got it."

I took another steadying breath. "Hello?"

"Dylan?"

"Hi, Dr. Aslers."

"What's going on?"

"Things have just been a little crazy lately. I don’t know how I can keep going."

"You did the right thing by calling. Is anybody coming over?"

"Yes. My dad should be here in a few minutes."

"Excellent. Talk to me. What's been happening?"

I explained to him everything that’s happened the past week starting with the upheaval at work, Zach, and most importantly, what happened with Jackson. I had just mentioned the non-condom incident when my father walked in.

"Hang on a sec, doctor. My dad is here." I pressed the phone against my chest. "Dad, you need to call this number. They wanted to be sure I called someone."

He took the slip of paper with Flo’s contact info. "I'm on it."

Dad called Flo back, and I resumed talking to the doctor. After about a half hour of fairly intense conversation, he let me go on the promise I would call first thing tomorrow to make a crisis appointment. After getting my nod of approval, Dad listened to my side of the conversation. He had questions when I hung up.

"Why didn't you tell me this last night?"

I shook my head. "I didn't feel quite this bad last night. But the more I started thinking about everything, the more it felt like, I don't know, a boulder pressing down on me, slowly getting heavier and heavier. I also probably had too much to drink after the boys went to bed last night. I'm sure that didn't help my frame of mind."

"I think I should stay for the rest of the day and overnight."

"Yeah. I think that would be a good idea."

Dad stuck around all day. He fed the boys breakfast and walked Mark back upstairs. I watched football, and he watched me. I didn't notice he paid closer attention to me than the game. Dominic played quietly in his room while I was doing my involuntary impersonation of a zombie.

Monday

"Are you sure you’re going to be okay?"

"Yes, Dad. Thanks for staying. I forgot Dom had off from school for Columbus Day today." It was a good thing, too. After the busy weekend he had with Mark, he was still tired Monday morning.

"No worries. I'll be back in ten minutes with my work and laptop. Then, you can head out to work. I want texts throughout the day."

"You'll get them. I can't promise times, but for sure on my breaks."

The main office was first on my agenda. It lacked any dangerous tools that could get me in trouble. I texted Dad while sitting around the conference table. When Mr. Jensen separated us to talk to Pat and his team, I stepped outside and called Dr. Asler’s office to make a crisis appointment. They asked if I could come in at three-thirty. I said yes, crossing my fingers that I could get away. At lunch, Mr. Jensen gave me the go-ahead to leave early.

After lunch, my luck turned around—finally, some good news. Zach would be joining Connor's team.

During my appointment with Dr. Ansler, I dumped a boatload of emotional baggage. The burden of Zach possibly joining my team being unrealized changed my attitude almost completely. Still, he decided to give me a couple of prescriptions, Wellbutrin to help keep my thinking straight, and Klonopin for anxiety. The doctor suggesting getting away for a few days to reset my brain after coping with the struggles day-to-day life had thrown my way recently. I agreed getting away for a while might be a good idea.

On the way home, I started thinking about where to go for the weekend—at least Dominic and I, but perhaps Dad and Dominic's friend, Mark, as well. It hit me when I stopped at Wal-Mart’s pharmacy to pick up my prescriptions and I saw the Halloween costumes. It was just a hint, but the hula girl costume shouted 'beach' to me.

Savory aromas assaulted me when I stepped through the door. "Thanks for cooking, Dad. I have a surprise for the two of you."

Dominic stopped stirring the brownie batter and smiled. "What did you get us Daddy?"

I chuckled. "It's not a what. It’s where"

"Huh?" Dominic’s confused expression was cute.

"How would you like to go to the beach for the weekend?"

"Won't it be too cold to go to the lake?"

I nodded. "Yes, it would. So, I was thinking ocean."

Dad’s eyebrows shot up. "Where?"

A grin split my face. "Florida. Somewhere around Tampa."

Dominic’s eyes lit up. "Really?"

"Yep. What do you think, Dad?"

"Getting away sounds nice. Did you run this past the doctor?"

"Yeah, he thought it was a good idea."

Dad rubbed his hands together. "Well, I'm in."

"When do we leave?" Now that he knew the plan, Dominic bounced like there were ants in his pants. He would have gotten on a plane that second; he was so excited about it.

"Friday. I need to figure a couple of things out. And make a phone call."

Needing privacy in case things didn’t work out, I left for my bedroom and dialed a number.

"Hello?"

"Hi, Ben. It’s Dylan."

"Hey. Dylan! Thanks for taking Mark to Olympic. He couldn't stop talking about it."

"It was my pleasure. Hell, I had a good time, too. I'm calling to ask something else."

"You need a favor? Sure, anything."

"No favor. I was thinking about getting away for the weekend. How would you, Tammy, Mark, and Gary like to come with us to Florida? My treat."

Gary was nine, but he and Mark were close, so Dominic considered him a friend too.

"Um..."

"Really. I desperately need a getaway. With the kids off, having teacher meetings Monday and Tuesday, it's an ideal time. I thought Dominic might get a little bored, so I was going to ask if Mark could go, but then I thought, why not all of you?"

"You're serious?"

"Completely."

I heard Ben blow out a puff of air. "Shit, it's hard to turn that down. Let me make sure Tammy didn't have other plans. Hold on a sec?"

"Sure."

I thought I heard a joyous scream in the background.

Ben got back on the line. "We're in."

"I thought so. Who screamed? Mark or Gary?"

"Tammy."

I laughed. "Okay, that's funny. Let me start on the plans. Could you guys can come down in like an hour for ice cream and cake?"

"Whose birthday?"

"Nobody's. That's just what I have around for an after-dinner snack. I need your exact information for the plane tickets."

"We can do that. I’ll see you then."

Everybody was excited about the trip. No one more than the three boys. But I was close.

Next up - "The Decision, and the Trip"