Before And After the Divorce - 5. Transitions of More Than One Kind

Monday

After we arrive at the apartment, I decide I need to take stock, see what's changed since I was here last for anything but a short visit. I'm not going to do anything with Lacy's things just yet mostly just make sure there is room for my things and see what the food situation looks like. OK, we won't starve for a few days, but a shopping trip is definitely on the horizon. Now comes the part I haven't been looking forward to. I can pretend there are more things to do, and keep putting it off, but know I can't.

"Dominic, come into the living room and sit with me for a while."

"OK. Are we going to talk about rules?"

"Not exactly. Like I said, I'll try to change things as little as possible. There's something else I need to talk to you about."

"OK."

"You remember how I told you mommy has a growth in her head?"

"Yes, and that they'll fix it with medicine."

"Well, actually, it isn't something they can fix. They'll try to control it, but it will probably never be fixed. It's actually called a tumor."

"Does that mean she'll be crazy forever, that's why you came to live with us?"

"Yes, she will probably have problems keeping things straight for the rest of her life. But that's not exactly why I came to live with you. They'll try to control it for as long as they can, but sooner or later, it will grow so big that mommy will die."

His demeanor was pretty level up to then. I could just see his mood change. Fear, panic, you name it, it came over his face in seconds.

"No. She can't die. She's my mommy."

"Yes, she's your mommy, but sometimes people get too sick to get well. Everybody has to die. Unfortunately, some people do it way too soon."

He thinks about that for a moment and frowns.

"You're not going to die soon, are you?"

"I don't expect to. I plan on being around for you for a long time."

"Did mommy get sick because you left?"

"No. I think mommy started to get sick a long time ago. There were times when you were a baby that she thought I did things I didn't really do, like she did with you."

"When will she die?"

"Nobody knows for sure, but her doctors are guessing a month or two."

"Will she come home first?"

"Maybe, it depends on how well the medicine works."

Again, another moment to think, then he looks like he watched his dog get hit by a car, if he had one. Fear and worry are evident.

"Is it bad if I don't want her to be here when she dies?"

"No. That's perfectly reasonable. It's very hard to be with them when someone dies."

"Were you with grandma when she died?"

"Yes, I was. Grandpa and I were both there. Your uncle David too."

He thinks about that for a moment as well.

"Well. Then maybe I will want to be there."

"You don't need to decide that now. You can think about it until the doctors think she'll die really soon."

He looks like he had an ah ha moment.

"Can I pray that God won't take her?"

"Yes, definitely."

"I'll pray a lot. I need to start right away, can I go to my room now?"

"Yes. Just remember, anytime you want to talk about this some more, just ask."

"OK. But I don't want to talk anymore now. I want to go pray. I'll probably cry too."

"That's OK. Cry as much as you need to. If you want, sometimes, we can cry together. You did very well, talking about it."

"OK. Thanks. I guess."

With that, Dominic retired to his bedroom. I waited a few minutes and went to listen at his door. If he prayed, he was done for now. He was crying. I knew he had to do at least some of that alone, so I went back to the living room and cried right along with him. And fell asleep, most likely like he did.

Since we skipped lunch, around 4:00 I went to check if Dominic was OK and if he wanted to eat something. I listened at his door for a moment, but it was quiet. I knocked, and when there was no answer, I went in. He was asleep on his bed. I sat down next to him and gently rubbed his shoulder.

"Hi daddy. I'm sorry I fell asleep."

"Don't be sorry. I would have been surprised if you didn't."

"OK. Mommy says... she says... I'm too old to take naps."

"Well, that might have been the tumor making her say that. You're never too old to take naps. I fell asleep after crying myself. I just woke up before I came in here."

"Oh. OK."

"Are you hungry?"

"Yes. We didn't have lunch."

"No, we didn't. We both had a very stressful day so far. Crying and napping made us miss lunch. Should we go take a look in the kitchen to see what we want?"

"Could we go get hamburgers again? I want to have a cheeseburger this time."

"Sure, we can do that. Why don't you go to the hall bathroom and wash your hands and face. The tears sometimes leave marks."

"Yeah. You have some lines on your face. You should wash up too."

"Yes, sir."

"Hehe, you're funny."

We went to Five Guys again. I wasn't going to make a habit out of going there, but their hamburgers are good. It's worth it as a once in a while trip.

Tuesday

Since I had planned to take off both Monday and Tuesday, I was able to spend the entire day with him on Tuesday. We went to the local sports center, and I taught him how to bowl. He even got the ball down the alley a number of times without hitting the bumpers. I only had two saves by the bumpers. That 10-pin is a bugger sometimes. We talked about things he'd done with his mother on her non-crazy days. I got the distinct impression those were coming less and less often lately. So far, he's taking it well, but then she's still alive.

After bowling, we went to the hospital so he could see her. I plan on taking him as often as I can, at least as long as she's coherent. If she starts acting out, I don't think it will be good for him to see her like that. I did a couple searches for a child psychologist after he went to bed last night. I found three that looked promising and took my insurance. That'll be a discussion with him on another day.

Lacy was good today. She's starting to get headaches, but so far nothing too painful. They plan on doing CT scans every other day, to keep a close eye on the tumor's growth. MRIs and PET scans are also being considered. Obviously, the doctors are doing everything they can to slow the growth, and possibly reduce the tumor. It's too early to know if anything is really helping, so for now, all we can do is hope. Treatment varies a lot based on symptoms, what kind of cancer it is, if it even is cancer. The results from the needle biopsy should be back in another day or so. But the feeling is, based on its recent growth, that it will be found to be cancerous. Also based on that growth pattern, they believe it's at grade 3, but may very quickly change to grade 4.

Dominic wanted to bring some of his coloring books and crayons so he could color with Lacy. I left them alone for a while and sat in the lounge. I figured some alone time with her would be good for him. Again, as long as it was a good day.

Wednesday

Today was probably going to be difficult. I brought him to daycare and talked to the teachers about Lacy's condition. They said they'd keep a close eye on Dominic and let me know if they see any behavior issues. He's always been a pretty laid-back kid, so I was hopeful he wouldn't have any problems. I went to work afterward, spoke to my manager about the situation. He told me any time I needed to take off, it would be OK. Of course, I'm hoping that will be minimal. But it's good to know they understand and are flexible. I probably wasn't too productive, but nobody seemed to complain. I think for the most part, they were all just leaving me to myself.

After work, I picked up Dominic, we went to grab a bite to eat and then went back to the hospital. While Dominic was coloring with Lacy, I spoke to the doctors. The CT scan that morning showed slightly slower growth from the last scan, roughly 3 1/2 mm larger over two days. The biopsy results came back as well. As suspected, it was cancer. They told me what kind it was, glio-something. I figured it didn't matter if I knew exactly what kind it was, as long as they knew how best to treat her.

Saturday

The rest of the week was similar. Work, daycare, hospital, repeat. We stopped going out for dinner every day and I started cooking for Dominic. I'm not a very good cook, so there will be a lot of pasta, mac and cheese, hot dogs, and frozen meals in our future. Meals from scratch weren't really in my wheelhouse. Saturday came and Dominic accompanied me to clear out the rest of my apartment; after a stop at the U-Haul store to pick up some boxes and tape. Fortunately, the old/new apartment had a garage available to each resident, so I had somewhere to store the things I wouldn't need right away. The manager was pretty nice about things. Although he had to keep the security deposit, he did refund me the rent for two of the weeks I wouldn't be there. That was a nice surprise.

Monday

On the following Monday after I took over Dominic's care, things got a little crazy. I had to leave work early because one of the other children said something to Dominic about his mother and he hit the boy. From what I was told, it wasn't a very hard punch, but the other boy would probably still end up with a black eye. I took Dominic home and had a talk with him about it. That was, of course, after a warning from the center that if it happened again, I may have to find another place for Dominic to go.

"Dominic, what did that boy say to you that made you hit him?"

"He said mommy was dying because she didn't love me anymore. I know that isn't true, she tells me she does every time we visit."

"Well, even though that wasn't a very nice thing for him to say, you have to try to control your emotions and not hit people."

"I know. I'm sorry, but it made me so mad, I just hit him without thinking."

"Next time something happens that makes you want to hit; can you try this? Take a couple deep breaths and ask yourself, is what's happening going to hurt me physically? If there's no threat of getting hit or hurt in some way yourself, then you should have no reason to hit anybody either. Do you understand?"

"So, like if somebody just says something bad, I breathe and say, that doesn't hurt? But if they start to hit me, then hitting them is probably OK?"

"Pretty good. Not that hitting is ever really OK, but if you have to protect yourself, it's understandable. When I was young we had a saying, 'sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.' Of course, words can hurt your feelings, but not enough to make violence OK."

"I get it. I can get mad about somebody saying something bad, but I shouldn't hit anybody because of that."

"Very good. Do you want hot dogs tonight?"

"Can you cook the pizza instead?"

"Pizza sounds great."

After pizza, we went to the hospital again. I really think seeing Lacy every day is helping Dominic adjust to the situation really well. That will probably change if and when the tumor starts impacting her mental state. The doctor said that although the tumor is still growing, its growth rate has slowed. Where it started out a 2 mm that first day, now the growth is down to around 1 mm per day. It had grown to 31 mm, about 1 1/4 inches in diameter. I'm not sure how critical that 3-inch number was when Mr. Sneed first mentioned it after he called the hospital. But if it stays at 1 mm per day, it'll be about 45 more days before it hits that point. Although I asked, and the doctor said at even an inch and a half to two inches, there could be more severe symptoms. That might be as little as a week. Hopefully the growth rate will continue to slow.

Sunday

Once again, we're back into the wash, rinse, repeat cycle. It's Sunday, and our visit doesn't go as well as it has been. Geez, that's a fucking understatement. It went as well as an ice cream cone in a pile of dog shit would taste. The additional 6 days of growth have taken their toll. It's apparent as soon as we walk into the room.

She seems to be panicking as she's frantically hitting the call button, Lacy screams "What are you doing here with him? Nurse. Nurse."

Dominic looks at me, frightened more than I think I've ever seen him. It's even worse than when Lacy said nearly the same thing the last time I visited Dominic at the apartment. A nurse rushes in.

"What is it, Lacy?"

"HIM! He shouldn't be anywhere near Dominic. It isn't one of his visiting days. Get him out. Call security if you have to."

"Daddy?"

"Shhh. It's OK Dominic. I'll go wait in the lounge like when you're coloring or doing something else with mommy. Just come to me there when you're ready to leave."

"No! He's not going to meet you anywhere when he leaves."

I take the high road and simply step out. I stop just outside the door to see if Lacy calms down now that I'm gone. Lacy says, "thank God he's gone." and I go to see the doctor. He tells me that the growth still remains constant at around 1 mm per day. It was 37 mm this morning, almost an inch and a half. I'm going to have to start stopping at the nurse's station on my way in. I head to the lounge and pick up a magazine I've looked at too many times already. It's only a couple minutes later when Dominic comes in crying with a nurse. He takes a minute to calm down and tells me what happened.

"She was mean to me again daddy. She said I was letting other boys touch my privates in school. I'm not even back in school yet. She called me a dirty little boy. And then, and..."

He starts crying again. It's even longer this time before he's able to calm down enough to say what he was going to say. It was something I never expected to hear.

"She said that you probably make me, it has a bad word..."

"It's OK, you're not in trouble if you say what mommy said."

"She said you make me suck your dick. I don't do that. Why would she say that?"

"The tumor is still growing. We knew at some point it would be large enough to start affecting her thinking, even with the medications."

"I want to go home now. Can we go?"

"Yes... I'm sorry nurse, I think it best if she doesn't see me anymore when I bring Dominic to visit. She may not say anything every time, but I don't think you need to be subjected to that if I can help it."

"It's OK, Mr. Pastore. She's been like that pretty much since I started my shift today. Nothing I do or say is good enough for her. I've made notes on her chart, maybe the doctor will increase her risperidone. That's a mood stabilizer."

"I don't want to visit anymore."

"We can check with the nurses before we go into your mom's room, to see if she's having a bad day. If she is, you don't have to visit that day."

"Maybe."

Dominic's not usually defiant at all. Even that 'maybe' was completely out of character for him. We have our first visit with the psychologist tomorrow. It couldn't come at a better time. When we get home, Dominic goes straight to his room. I'll go and get him when dinner's ready. He asked on the way home if it would be OK if he goes to his room and thinks a while. I said yes, of course.

Next up - "It's Like Snowballs Rolling Downhill - In Summer"