Trash Polka - 30. Chapter 30

Is this it, what you want, what you
wanted?
Do you need love?
Am I enough for you?
In time, you’ll find I’ve got my
baggage, too

“Just let me fucking look at it!” I snapped. Kenji’s one good eye was full of anger and irritation. The other had swollen closed at this point. His face was twisted in a grimace, and it occurred to me that this was the most emotion I’d ever seen on his face. He finally tore off his suit jacket and motioned toward me. I rolled my eyes and took his face in my hands, tilting it to the light.

“There’s an entire ring imprint here. Ya know, amongst the cut-up skin. Whoever hit you had a very large ring.”

Kenji didn’t say anything, and I flipped the top open on the first aid kit. One hand gripping his chin so the side of his face was illuminated still. I rooted through the kit. It came nearly everywhere with me. Especially if I traveled. Dealing with open wounds constantly at least gave me a leg up. That and the kit was organized meticulously because I didn’t want to have to search for things.

Kenji kept his eyes on the wall across from us as I cleaned the scratches out but held up his hand when I grabbed gauze and Band-Aids, “That’s not necessary.”

“If you say so. Are we going to talk about this?” I asked as he pulled his face from my grip. I stepped back and closed the kit, tucking it under my arm.

“My father’s known about you since the first time we met.”

“What a weird thing to talk about over family dinner.” I said, beating back the initial panic that settled in my stomach. Sure, I doubted a traditional family would love their son coming out, but judging by his face, this was something more.

“You don’t understand. It’s not a joke. I don’t have to tell him River. He always knows. No matter what I do.” He washed his hands, and I tried to ignore the battered knuckles.

“Your dad knows about us. It’s very bad. Cool. Are you going to go into further detail? Like how your fucked up knuckles don’t make much sense with the truly brutal looking back hand that had to be responsible for you face? I don’t understand things because you choose to keep me in the dark.”

“I’m to end things. I was already supposed to. He’s taken Ai as well. Until I can show that I’ve stopped the…dalliances.”

“I’m not your first. I assumed as much. Why is it such a big deal now?” I frowned, wrapping my arms around my middle while still holding the first aid kit.

“You’re the first that’s been serious. None of the others were more than once or twice usually. He turned a blind eye as long as I handled the business the way he wanted. Now, I’ve embarrassed him.” The most vicious smile I’d ever seen pulled at his features and the sudden turbulent emotions on Kenji’s face were starting to unsettle me. He caught my eye, and his expression became darker while his smile stayed in place, “Dedicating my entire life to being whatever he wanted is apparently not enough.”

“What do we do?” I asked quietly as I unbuttoned his shirt. I let out a soft noise as I saw the extensive bruising already popping up on his ribcage.

“You’ll need to return home. He has eyes everywhere I am, but everything is worse here.”

I think I’d gone numb inside. I’d been waiting up to tell him I wanted to go home. Eventually. Not under these circumstances though. My arms felt heavy as I dropped them to my sides. There was nothing I could do for bruising. If the ribs were broken, there was little I could do with them either. I stepped around him and washed my hands. I could hear him moving and I stood in place and stared at us in the bathroom mirror as he gripped my wrist.

“To be clear, I’m not ending this. Hence the…damage to my person. I just need to get things and order. I need to plan. It’ll mean some time apart, but unfortunately that’s not new for us.” He pulled at my arm, but I refused to go to him. I stared at him in the mirror and after a moment, he caught on and met my gaze.

I gently peeled his fingers from my wrist. I felt his eyes on me, heavy as if he’d still been touching me. I felt them as I left the bathroom, and I felt them when he followed me into the bedroom. I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t know what to do. My chest felt tight and only allowed for half breaths as an awful dread settled on my shoulders like the world’s shittiest gargoyle.

“River? I will fix this.”

“How long will that take?” My voice didn’t sound like my own. It was strange and empty.

“I don’t know. Of course, I don’t expect you to wait. If you chose to seek out…others. I would understand.”

My head jerked up and the corners of his mouth downturned as I stared at him, “Oh. I see. That’s how you see me.”

“River, I never said I wanted you to be with someone else. Merely that I would understand.”

“And yet you were so quick to suggest it. You’ve already planned out where we go from here. I leave. You do whatever to ‘fix’ this. Meanwhile, you expect me to be so desperate for touch-or is it yours specifically-that I’ll be out sowing my wild oats? Sounds like a conversation I should’ve been present for.”

“While I understand why you’re upset, and I realize how sudden this is, you’re jumping to the wrong conclusions.”

“Where would you like me to jump?”

“Stop this. Listen to me. This is temporary.” He moved closer and I snatched my hand away when he reached for it.

“Please don’t touch me.” I held my arms tight to my body and stared at a spot on the carpet as I tried to return feelings to myself that weren’t that horrible dread.

“It’s better that this happened now. When we’re so new and things aren’t serious yet.”

I stood so fast it startled him into taking a step back. I left the bedroom. Destination unknown. I just wanted to get away from him. From what he’d said. I’d been wrong. Alec had been wrong. Kenji and I weren’t on the same page. I felt so lost so suddenly that it stole my breath completely. I’d wanted a different emotion, but this pain hadn’t been something I’d expected.

I’d been planning on telling him I loved him, but he was pausing our relationship. He was justifying it by devaluing it. Or he was devaluing it for me. Maybe that was how he saw this. We hadn’t been together for years and years. I knew our relationship had started in a weird place, but the things I was feeling…

Was it rose colored glasses? Was I such a stranger to love that I thought I met it only to find it was still an unknown? Someone I’d maybe passed on the train where neither of us had given the other a second glance. A face I may recognize but couldn’t give a name to. Had I really let myself down this hard? Had I read the situation so wrong I may as well be romantically illiterate?

“River. Come here.”

“What is this to you?” I startled both of us when I turned and shouted.

He was quiet for a long minute. He took the time to sit on the bed, glancing sidelong at me with a strangely vulnerable expression on his face, “Everything.”

“But things aren’t serious? What are you talking about?” I snapped.

His head tilted back, and his eyes closed, “While you are far better at communicating it, you are not the only one that’s felt vulnerable throughout this process. I’ve never been blind to the fact that you could do better. That you deserve far more than I give.”

I shifted from foot to foot, angry at the pressure and heat I could feel building behind my eyes. His eyes opened, gaze still on the ceiling, “I wasn’t trying to imply that you needed someone so much you’d be immediately looking for a replacement. I’m simply trying to acknowledge that you deserve to be loved and to ask you to wait is unfair.”

He tilted his chin, looking at the wall across from him, “You’re…everything River. That’s what you deserve too. Not this half-life I’m currently offering you.”

“Why do you get to decide?” I asked in a near-whisper, “Why do you want me to find someone else that you think would be better? Why do you want me to go find someone else when all I want is you?”

“I am a bit selfish, near obsessive, and definitely possessive. To be clear, I don’t want anyone to ever touch you. The thought of your attention being diverted to another man makes me violent”

“Okay.” I mumbled as I slid down to sit next to him.

We sat in silence for a few minutes, and I listened to his breathing while mine remained stilted and painful. He shifted up the bed to lean his back against the headboard. When I glanced at him, he had a box in his hands. He dropped his suit jacket on the floor and set the box on the sheets, pushing it toward me.

“What is that?”

“A…promise.”

I reached forward, taking it gently and holding it on my lap. The box was felt and soft to the touch. There was a deep purple felt bow tied around it delicately. I pulled at it as carefully as I could. This box looked like it might be worth more than my apartment back home. I looped the pretty ribbon around my wrist and took my first full breath in what felt like hours.

Only to have all the air in my lungs stolen as the jewelry within the box was revealed.

It was a thick Cuban link chain. I saw the gold lock in the middle and ran my fingertips over the carefully placed diamonds. There were four rows of the stones on each link, and it was short enough to fit just a bit looser than my current collar. I had no doubt that the lock was solid gold and the diamonds were real. It must’ve cost a small fortune.

“It is custom made so that it won’t be uncomfortable for you. Even though it’s heavy. If you don’t like how it feels, I can have something else made.”

“It’s beautiful, but this is so much Kenji. Especially when you told me you were sending me home and you didn’t know how long your business here would take.”

“I bought it before tonight. This ending is not what I want River. I think this proves that.”

“But it’s early days and this isn’t serious.” I turned, smiling weakly at him.

“I’m not…strong. I thought for a moment that driving you away would be easier. Then your face did something awful and you left the room like you couldn’t stand to be in my space. It nearly tore me in two.”

“Stupid.” I said, wiping at my cheeks with the back of my arm as I lost my battle with the demon moisture leaking from my eyeballs.

“Completely. Can I help you put it on? You don’t have to but I…want you to.”

I held the box up over my shoulder, for the first time really registering the weight of it. I felt him first unhook my fabric collar and then I felt him take the one from the box. I dropped my arm with the box and shuddered as cool metal made contact my skin. It was heavy. Far more so than I anticipated, but it wasn’t uncomfortable. I felt his fingers graze the back of my neck and my eyes dropped closed.

“Do you want to know what my plans were for tonight?”

“Yes.” He murmured softly against my shoulder where he’d pulled my clothing aside enough to get to bare skin.

“I was going to tell you that I wanted to set a return date for when I would go home.”

“Odd timing. I don’t know if that makes it better or worse.”

“That’s not all.” I forced out, pushing at the aching in my chest. It all felt bittersweet now, not ruined, but tainted.

“Oh?” His lips moved against my skin, his hand had moved around, thumb stroking my jaw as his other fingers hung down to lightly touch the new collar.

“I was…I was going to tell you…” I swallowed hard and swiped at my face again, “I was going to say that I love you.”

He made a soft, pained noise and his arms wrapped tight around me. It broke something inside. The tears escaping randomly here and there turned into a deluge that I was hopeless to stop. He hauled me back on the bed. I was under him, pressed into the mattress as one of his arms stayed around my waist, the other brushing hair out of my eyes.

“Shh, love. I told you this was a promise. You’ve been my end goal since you took off to Iowa and ignored me. You punched a hole in my day-to-day life that I wasn’t aware of until you were suddenly gone.” His fingers brushed the collar, and I wrapped my fingers around it. For once, I wasn’t trying to get ahold of myself. I needed this after the flurry of heavy emotion.

He said it was a promise. He’d said so many amazing things, but it didn’t change the reality. I was going to leave. Not because we’d had an amazing life affirming conversation, but because parts of his life wouldn’t allow me to be a permanent fixture. I’d told him I loved him, but it’d only succeeded in hurting us both. Worse.

“River, this isn’t the end.”

“Feels like it.” I gasped, wiping at my face. I’m sure I was repulsive now. My face got red when I cried. The never-ending blessing that came with being born Advanced White™.

“When have I ever said something to you and not meant it? Not followed through?” He wiped the tears off my cheeks as I slowly started to get myself together. His weight on mine was oddly soothing, "Not including earlier."

I blinked open my eyes when I’d finally stopped sputtering. He was holding my cheek gently and I saw my old collar plus the vinyl key bracelet secured around the same wrist. He followed my gaze and glanced away for a moment.

“I’d never collared someone before. I’m feeling rather sentimental.”

“I love you.” I whispered into the tiny space between our faces.

“And I love you. I will fix this. I promise. Then we’ll pick up right where we left off.” He smiled softly at me, “With your ongoing mission to wind me tighter around your littlest finger.”

I felt heat rise to my cheeks again and I wrapped both of my arms around him, hiding my face in his neck. He kissed the side of my head and held me tight enough to hold all my newly broken pieces in place. For now. I had a very real fear in the back of my mind that tonight had fractured something that may never heal. I didn’t know yet if it was a good or bad things. Sometimes things needed to be broken to heal right after all.

*

“I just don’t know what to do anymore! Christ! Like, sometimes I think he cares for me and then in the next moment, he’s looking at me like he wished I was anywhere but next to him!” August almost shouted into the phone.

“August, we’ve rehashed this conversation so many times. I don’t know what else to tell you friend. If you’re unhappy, why do you continue to stay in the relationship? Also, if you think Sage is upset, why would you want him to stay in it?”

“Okay.” August’s voice was suddenly guarded, and I felt a tiny twinge of guilt.

This wasn’t a new conversation. I hadn’t said anything that wasn’t the truth, but I tended to phrase things significantly nicer for my friends. August was hurting and he’d reached out to me to vent. The problem was that I found myself exhausted emotionally. I didn’t have anything left for August when it’d felt like my insides had been changed to sharp shards of ice. If I shifted too far, tried to feel too much, my innards cut and left open exposed wounds. So, that left me trying hard not to feel at all.

On top of that, I was just tired. I was tired of the constant phone calls. Sage did this. Sage did that. Finn and I argued over this. Finn wants that. River, fix it. River, I need advice. It wasn’t their fault. Throughout the years, I’d cultivated this behavior. I’d damn near conditioned them to haul all their problems out and settle them on my shoulders. The difference was that I couldn’t hold any additional weight. For once, my personal struggles demanded center stage and when it wasn’t offered, I’d started to harbor resentment.

I hadn’t needed the quiet for a while. Not since Kenji and I became more than a contractual agreement. My mental health hadn’t improved really, I just hadn’t been working and dealing with my own daily drama. Kenji had become my calm without the submission or whatever I’d needed beforehand just to function. Ai had checked on me and orders of food and whatever had shown up to the hotel or shop. Which meant Kenji didn’t need to constantly check that my more basic needs were being met.

Now it was all going to end. I was going to go back to being a basket case who didn’t know how to take care of myself. I’d return to my carefully color-blocked calendar and hope it gave me some semblance of peace. I felt the heightened anxiety creeping in and I was scared I wouldn’t have subspace and submission to combat it.

“River?” I jumped at Auggie’s voice, nearly forgetting our discussion when I’d been yanked into my own mind.

“Sorry, what?”

“Are you okay? You don’t sound like yourself.”

I shook my head and dragged up a smile from the abysmal cavern that made up my chest, “Sorry! I’m just really tired. I’ve been keeping weird ass hours.”

Not too excited. If you turned the dial up too far, they’d think you were overcompensating. Smile, nod, and bury whatever hurt you’d let slip out that had alerted them to the absolute shitscape that was your mental health. It was better this way. Damn the resentment. That was my problem, not anyone else’s.

“You’re lying. Talk to me. Please. It’s me Riv.”

“I’m sorry I was rude earlier. I have a lot going on and I’ve been out of sorts.” This was Plan B. A last ditch effort if my first hadn’t landed. I’d give them a nugget of truth to grasp onto so they’d leave the rest of the problem alone.

“You’re talking but I don’t think you’re actually saying anything. You aren’t alone River. Whatever it is. I want to hear it. I want to help.”

I gripped the sheets in my hand and tried to keep my voice steady, I failed, “Things are falling apart. I thought they were falling together and I was so fucking wrong. I’m always wrong. I always fail. I don’t know why I thought it’d be different.”

“How much longer are you in Japan? We won’t be there for a couple weeks.”

“I’m leaving soon. As in, this week.”

“Meet me in London? I’ll come get you. We’ll figure something out. Please, River, let me help.”

“Okay.” I forced it out and waited for the lack luster response. Surely, it’d been an offer made out of manners. There was no way Auggie would really bend over backwards to help me. No one ever put in that much work to show up for me.

“Alright, I’ll look up flights and text. I’ll make the arrangements; you hop on a plane.”

Maybe, it wasn’t that they didn’t want to help.

Maybe, I never let them.