The Car Ride Home - 1. Poochie and Dane - The Car Ride Home

"Are we almost home?" Poochie asked.

She had jumped to try to look out the window, and like usual, couldn't get high enough to see anything.

Dane snarled, "How the fuck should I know?"

"You're taller than me."

Dane calmed a little. "No shit, most dogs are."

Poochie pouted. "You're always picking on me about my size."

"You brought it up, saying I was taller."

"Keep it up, and I'll bite you on the kneecap again."

Dane chuckled. "That was my wrist, you dumb peke. You couldn't reach my knee without a ladder."

"Fine, I'll bite your wrist again."

"And who got her nose swatted with a newspaper after they did that, Poochie?"

"Shut up. I least I have a name that's really a name, Dane."

"I'd be the laughingstock of my breed if I was named Poochie."

"I like my name. It's cute, like me. A cute little Pekingese."

"Great. Danes. Don't. Do. Cute."

"Well, are we?" Poochie repeated.

"Are we what?"

"Almost home."

Dane answered with an air of superiority, "I believe I implied I didn't know. Our pets have never been here with us before."

"Didn't they drive us out this way?"

"No. It definitely doesn't smell familiar."

"I wouldn't know, you fart so much, who can smell anything?"

"Fine, you get them to change our food, Pooch-a-roo. Last I noticed, I don’t speak human."

"Yeah. That's why when they say ‘speak’, you, what do they call it again?"

"Bark."

Poochie giggled. "I guess they think we're trees. We piss on bark; we don't do it."

"They're close, at least brarnk sort of sounds like bark. And I’ve never seen you piss on a tree.”

"I meant we, like dogs in gener... Ooooh, Dane. You farted again. Someone open up a window. Please?"

From the front seat, the lady said, "What the hell did you eat?"

The man replied, "What?"

"You farted."

"No, I didn't. It was the dog."

The lady snickered. "You're always blaming it on the damn dog."

"Fine, don't believe me. Just open your window."

"You open yours."

The man nearly growled. "You know I can't stand the wind whistling past my bad ear."

"You’re a putz."

The lady opened the window.

"Did you understand anything they said, Dane?"

"I heard eat, farted, dog, window, and whistling. Then the window opened. So, no, not enough to make any sense of what they said otherwise."

"Hey, I just thought of something."

Dane rolled his eyes. "What?"

"What if we don't eat the food they give us. They'll have to give us something else, won't they?"

"Me? A Great Dane. Not eat? Haven't you ever been near my bowl after they fill it? Impossible."

"Yeah, I guess you're right. You could probably eat a house if they put one in front of you."

Dane shook his head. "That's eat a horse, you dumb shit."

"What do I know? I understand less human than you do. Poochie, food, treat, sit, down, good dog, out, window, and the ever popular 'no' are all I ever get. My ancestors came from halfway around the world. I innately understand less than you do."

"Sorry, German is a lot closer to Engwish than Shineez."

Poochie rolled her eyes this time. "I don't think you're saying those right."

"I'm not saying anything."

"Thinking. You knew what I meant."

“I like getting a rise out of you. Well, as far as you can rise anyway, hehe.”

“Again, with the size jokes. Those wrists are looking tastier by the minute.”

“Bite me. I dare you.”

“No way, you’ll whine again. Why does a big dog like you like to make them think you’re such a wuss?”

“Because if they saw what I really like to do with you, back to the cage place I go. And I don’t fit well in those tiny cages.”

“Ooooh. Don’t remind me. I still have nightmares about that place. But I don’t think they’d send you away if they caught us trying to mate.”

“It’s not the mating that would be a problem; it’s the nibbling on your little ear.”

“Nibbling? Yeah, right. Chewing would be more accurate. What was it the male hit you with when they caught you doing that?”

“I don’t know for sure, a boop, or something like that.”

“That was funny afterward. The female hit the male with the boop like three times.”

“Well, it hurt. I guess she figured that out.”

“She hit the male a lot harder than he hit you. It couldn’t have hurt that much.”

“I had to stay in character, acting like a wuss, as you called it.”

“Well, it did look harder than a newspaper, kinda looked like one too.”

Poochie stopped to scratch an itch.

“Stop that. You’re flinging your fleas all over the place.”

“I don’t have fleas. That’s dander. I get it because of my long, beautiful hair.”

“Well, keep it to yourself. It’s gross.”

“It’s little flecks of skin. If you weren’t mostly white, you’d see you have it too.”

“I don’t mind my dander. It’s yours I can’t handle.”

“Says the dog that likes to eat his own shit.”

“I do not!”

“Don’t even try. I’ve seen you do it a lot of times.”

“Well, at least I don’t piss in the cat’s water dish.”

“I can’t stand that thing. I wish you’d eat it like I’ve asked you to a hundred times.”

“I told you. I like it when it licks my head. You never lick my head.”

"I lick your you know what, that should be good enough.”

“Yeah, that is a lot better than the cat licking my head. You want to do that now?”

“No.”

“Come on, you made it grow just mentioning it.”

“Lick it yourself. I know you like doing that.”

“You’re just jealous because you don’t have one.”

“Wouldn’t want one. You drip stuff out of it all the time.”

“I can’t help that.”

“Yeah. I get fipped, and you still got your balls.”

“That’s fixed.”

Poochie shook her head. “Can’t be, I wasn’t broken.”

“Whatever. You wanna mate tonight after they go into that room?”

“The one they never let us in?”

“Yes.”

“Yeah, maybe. You gotta chase the cat away first. It’s creepy when that thing watches us.”

“Sickening. It should know by now you hate it.”

“I wish they would get rid of it.”

“They never will. The little male puppy likes it too much.”

“I don't think they're called puppies, Dane. Where is that noisy thing, anyway?”

“It moves on all fours; I'll call it a puppy if I want to. Anyway, it’s attached to the seat in front of us.”

“Oh. Oh, Dane, ewww. I think it just farted.”

“Nope. That was the real thing.”

“Ooh, yeah, you’re right. Open the window again female human!”

“I bet they can’t smell it, Pooch. They’re not close enough to it.”

“Yeah, I forgot. Their noses are useless.”

“Well, all they are useful for is unblocking the doggie doors and giving us food and water. Once in a while, they pet us.”

Poochie sighed. “Yeah, they don’t do that much since the little male showed up.”

“Hey, wait. I smell something familiar.”

“We’ve smelt that little human's shit before.”

“No. Outside. You know those flowers near the house where the two hot black stripes on the ground meet?”

“Yeah, I remember them. So, what, Dane?”

“We're there. It means we’re almost home.”

“Goody. My peekie pillow and our yard awaits.”

“And not soon enough. I gotta take a shit.”

“Like I really needed to know that.”

The doors opened, and Dane and Poochie are set free. Poochie thinks to herself, ‘Until the next time we go to that place that stabs us with needles. At least we always get an extra treat out of it.’

The End