IceBerg - 17. Chapter 17

‘Thanks for helping me pack the case,’ I said, over my shoulder.

The zip squealed as I closed the suitcase. I lifted the case off the bed and pushed it to the side.

‘Leave it there,’ said Charlie, shutting his wardrobe. ‘It’ll be fine for a while.’ He paused and smirked at me, ‘Didn’t realise how poor you were, not even having a suitcase.’

‘Shut up, Knight Man.’

He pulled a face and opened his mouth to reply.

My phone rang; it echoed around the room.

I pulled it out of my pocket and answered it, smiling, ‘Alex!’

Charlie cleared his throat and left the room. I turned around and perched on the edge of the bed.

‘You made it, okay?’ I asked.

He felt almost like a ghost, a whisper so far away.

‘Three-hour delay, but, yes, Spain,’ he laughed, his voice became strong and powerful.

It felt so good to hear it, my stomach relaxed, and I clung on to the sound of his voice.

‘I miss you already,’ I said.

I could hear loud choking noises at the door, Charlie was there, pulling faces. I flipped him off and shook my head.

I added, ‘You must be so tired. What’s the plan, you go to your hotel room, chill for a few days and then it all begins?’

‘Pretty much,’ he replied. ‘Oh, and wait for you at the Gate with a sign like the fool I am. I am excited for you to get here. I know we won’t be spending much time together.’

‘This is your big chance to shine,’ I smiled. ‘I am excited to watch. I am really proud of you. You know that, right?’

He said nothing on the phone, and I frowned, ‘Alex, can you hear me, okay?’

‘It’s going to be a long two days before you are here,’ he said, his voice barely above a whisper.

‘Get swimming, swimmer boy,’ I teased. Charlie laughed hard in the background.

‘You, hanging with people tonight?’ Alex asked.

‘Charlie helped me do some packing, I am borrowing some shirts of his, saves me some money. Just finished off packing now.’

I didn’t want him to worry, so I added, ‘He lent me his suitcase, too!’

‘That was nice of him,’ Alex’s voice was very clipped but polite, I could almost feel that smile wiped off his face.

‘Our script got accepted,’ I blurted out. ‘The Network people like it. Well, I think they do. We’re having a meeting with them.’

‘The Lady one?’ his tone was a sudden change. ‘Really? Ha! Congratulations, I knew it would be a success. Even from the first read of it.’

‘You will always be the number one fan,’ I said.

‘We will celebrate when you get here,’ he replied. ‘I wish I had known before I took the flight. I didn’t even get chance to say bye properly, I am sorry.’

‘Shut up, fool,’ I grinned. ‘You get some rest.’

‘Have fun with Charlie,’ his voice was clipped again. I turned around to see if Charlie was there, but he had disappeared.

I whispered into the phone, ‘I am not staying long, don’t worry. His girlfriend is coming over later. See you in two days, handsome!’

                                                                  ***

‘I thought she was coming over,’ I frowned.

He waved his hand away at me and drank some more beer, ‘She cancelled, had to do some notes for Monday.’

‘Thanks for sorting out the work for me,’ I nodded at him.

He had cleared it with my boss that I would email in the work for the next few weeks.

‘Well, you’re still doing the work you’re not entirely off so don’t be too thankful,’ he pulled a face.

I took a swing of my beer again.

Charlie piped up, ‘So, how’s Oli by the way? David and him still good?’

‘On a date as we speak,’ I smiled. I peeled at the label on the bottle, and added, ‘I really like David, he’s perfect for Oli. I am not usually a fan of his partners, but David really is a dope guy.’

‘Alliteration man.’

‘Huh?’ I looked up from my fidgeting.

‘David the Dope guy,’ smirked Charlie.

‘Ah,’ I raised an eyebrow.

The truth was that I hadn’t seen Oli for a while. That wasn’t down to him, it was me, putting things off, telling him I was too busy or tired. Which was the truth. Oli tried and I wasn’t trying back. But he had David and he was very happy.

‘The only friend you had,’ muttered Jake. ‘You’re a bad friend. Bad friend.’

I downed the rest of the beer and reached for another bottle from the table. I rested my feet on the table.

Charlie stood up, patting my stretched-out legs out the way as he walked past.

Reaching forward, I grabbed his remote and flicked through the channels.

Charlie was back already and planked himself next to me, cradling a small tin in his lap. He opened it up and the old college smell hit me.

‘So, if this script is taken on properly, it’s going to be huge!’ smiled Charlie. ‘The best project I have been on for a long time! I can’t wait!’

‘That’s if it didn’t get rejected,’ muttered Jake. ‘Lots of ideas get rejected every day. Might only be a few episodes before it is cancelled. Then what are you going to do, loser?’

‘Yeah,’ I smiled back. ‘It’s, um, it’s huge.’

‘It is the best thing I have been involved in for ages, it will be great,’ he said to me, nudging.

I chuckled at that.

He rustled through the leaves in the tin and began to flicker out a rolling paper, thin and barely white.

As he sprinkled the leaves onto the paper like salt, he noticed me watching him from the corner of my eyes and asked, ‘Want any?’

I shook my head, ‘Nah.’

He licked roll closed and looked at me, ‘Mind if I smoke in here?’

‘Light yourself up,’ I merely commented as I took a sip of beer.

He shrugged and flickers the light on, taking a deep drag.

Last time someone smoked weed in front of me was back in college and that only happened twice so I couldn’t stop staring at him as he took another drag.

He cocked his eyebrows at me and smirked, ‘What, are you expecting me to grow horns or something?’

‘Yeah, like you could grow horns,’ I smirked.

Charlie dipped the end butt into his empty beer.

I frowned and stood up, ‘Don’t do that, I will get you a glass of water to put it in.’

As I stood in the kitchen, filling up a glass, the smell wafted in like a gentle breeze and I realised it smelt better in this apartment.

‘I don’t do this often,’ he said, taking another drag. ‘Just now and then. I can’t be doing a lot especially now, rising to fame and all that bull.’

‘You and the other panellists are becoming popular, people really love that show,’ I agreed, shrugging.

‘You like the show, right?’

His voice was urgent, serious for an answer.

I gave him a look before choosing my words carefully, ‘It’s funny. It’s a good show, very clever, I do enjoy watching it.’

His eyes were heavy now and he seemed happy with my answer. Wow, that was quick.

I couldn’t help but comment, ‘So, this is strong stuff.’

‘Indeed,’ he said, having a quick drag. He glanced at me, ‘You sure you don’t want any?’

I shook, my head, ‘I’d fall asleep and you won’t be able to wake me up.’

A sly grin appeared on his face. He opened his mouth to speak but took another drag instead.

My eyes were way too heavy for my eyelids.

                                                                        ***

I didn’t know how long it had been, but we had opened a window and ordered a pizza. Best pizza in the world. Naturally.

My stomach growled and I finished off my slice. Ever since he ordered the pizza, Charlie had been slouching towards me, leaning against me. I thought nothing of it until he rested his arms on my thigh. Memories came flashing back like a red bright light in my face.

Perhaps, he didn’t realise he was doing it?

‘Do you think Alex will come out, as a couple, you two, you know?’ he slurred, resting his head on my shoulder, gazing at the T.V.

I had no idea what the hell we were watching but it involved bright coloured pandas singing and dancing. Think we accidentally pressed the children’s channel.

I tried to shake my shoulders, but he didn’t move his head.

‘That makes no sense,’ I smiled, keeping my head forward.

‘I mean,’ he lifted his head up and shuffled closer to me, his leg against mine, his side pressed against mine.

He put his head back on my shoulder and carried on, ‘When you get there, you are just his ‘friend’ to the world, doesn’t that bother you?’

‘I wouldn’t push him to out himself,’ I frowned. ‘I respect him too much for that.’

‘But if he respected you, he’d come out as being in relationship with you,’ Charlie pointed out.

‘It’s not that simple,’ I frowned, again.

‘Yes, because I am a straight guy so therefore, I do not understand,’ Charlie mumbled.

‘Charlie, don’t,’ I warned.

I could feel him rubbing his nose against my throat and my angry breath stopped in my throat.

‘You don’t smell like garbage today,’ he muttered, and I burst out laughing.

I grinned. ‘Thanks.’

‘But, at the Olympics, all the other couples will be holding hands, and showing off their partners and he won’t do that with you, do you not feel bothered by that? I mean,’ he slurred. ‘If it were me, I’d be upset, seeing other couples and not being able to reach and hold his hand.’

‘Charlie that’s enough,’ I said. My tone was short, and he noticed.

‘Just saying,’ he lifted his head off me and clawed at my jaw. His fingers gripping hard. ‘He should be proud to have you on his arm.’ He moved my jaw, dragging my face about.

I gripped his wrist and pulled him away. I rubbed my sore jaws and wiggled my nose.

‘He should be proud, you’re a brilliant partner, unless you’re not good in bed.’

‘Don’t be so inappropriate, Charlie,’ I snapped, still rubbing my chin.

‘I am kidding, I know you’re a hot stud in bed. Bet Alex makes you whimper in bed,’ he winked before giving me a crazy grin.

‘Now you’re being really inappropriate, pack it in,’ I rolled my eyes.

‘No,’ he leaned forward. ‘This is inappropriate.’

His hot tongue reached out and licked from jaw to my forehead before nibbling at my ear.
The shock stopped me. It felt so good. I tried to talk but my lips hung open, I could barely gulp the lump back in my throat. I felt so hot all over.

His hand slid on the inside on my thigh as he giggled to himself. I could feel his nose rubbing against my cheek. My whole body was frozen, locked down, I couldn’t even move my hands. I feared what I would do with them. His breath was so hot against my cheek. My skin prickled up alive.

He was so close to me again and I couldn’t deny how I felt.

I closed my eyes, my mind shouting out for Alex. I saw Alex, sitting there in his empty hotel room, looking happy, waiting for me.

I opened my eyes and trapped air escaped from my lips. I moved back a bit and Charlie slumped forward. I pushed his shoulder up and I could hear soft snores coming from him.

I snorted and clicked my tongue. Damn fool didn’t know what he was doing. He didn’t know what trouble he was making.

Stupid, stupid man.

‘Come on,’ I gave him a loud pat on the back.

His heavy eyes opened, startled.

Bracing myself to stand up, I threw his arm around my shoulder and bent with my knees. He put all his weight on me, and I pulled him up. He was heavy.

I pushed the bedroom door open with my foot.

I dropped him onto the bed. He crawled upwards to his pillow, kicking out at his sheets.

He turned on to his back, his eyes still heavy. He gave me a wide naughty grin.

I went to stand up and leave, but he caught my wrist.

‘You can sleep next to me,’ he rolled his eyes over to the empty space next to him. A space made for Claire.

‘That would be inappropriate,’ I couldn’t help but say.

Charlie snorted out and let go of my wrist, ‘That is your favourite word.’ He paused and looked at me, ‘Come on. Why is it inappropriate for two friends to sleep next to each other? Bed is big enough.’ His eyes flashed at me, daring me.

It was late.

I patted his arm, ‘I’m going to sleep on the couch. We will speak in the morning.’

Charlie tried reply but ended up fluttering his eyes close. His head went limp. Soft snores came trailing out of his mouth. I grabbed a pillow next to him and walked out the bedroom.

Settling myself onto the couch, I nestled myself in my coat and pillow, lying down. I was wide awake.

Maybe I should have gone home. I took my phone out and looked at the time. Wow. Four in the morning.

I would just stay here and go back early the next day. Charlie would be embarrassed, and I had no idea what he would do, how he would act. Best just to escape early.

My heart was hammering away against my ribcage.

It was beating so hard I was almost breathless. I turned onto my side and closed my eyes tighter. But all I could see was a vision of me, still on the bed, sitting next to Charlie, saying ‘yes.’ Leaning forward and kissing him on the cheek, lowering my lips. I saw another vision of me turning to Charlie after he nibbled my ear and kissing him hard on the lips.

‘Agh!’ I gritted my teeth as I turned over again. My fingers curled, my fists were against my temples, my clenched knuckles rapping.

I did good. I was on the couch; I didn’t reciprocate anything. I was well-behaved and I put up with a lot I shouldn’t have.

My phone buzzed and rolled over to snatch it up off the floor.

Alex.

‘Miss you so much, sorry if this wakes you, love you so much.’

I let go of the phone as my face crumpled up. My eyes blurred. I clutched my aching stomach. The air was still trapped in my lungs and it became more and more painful. I gasp out loud, desperate to breathe, and fill my hands of my wet pathetic face.

Jake started to laugh. It was soft at first, but each chuckle began to ripple through me.

I clawed at my face, my nails dragging into my cheeks, scratching hard into my skin.

                                                           ***

A loud cluttering bang and a hiss of curse words tingled in my ear. My eyes felt sore when I opened them, my face hidden was in the pillow. I blinked a few times, everything stumbling back to me.

There was more cursing and more pots clanging together. I sat up, running a hand through my hair and steadied myself onto my feet. Walking into the kitchen, I saw Charlie, in shorts, a loose top, with messy hair. He was cracking eggs into a sizzling pan.

I cleared my throat and he almost jumped out of his skin. He took one look at me and his face was flushed. But a wide smile blossomed on his face, and he turned to tap the spatula in his hand against the pan.

‘This is, um, an apology breakfast,’ he smiled. He laughed a little, as he cooked, ‘Everyone in my life time has had one of these made by me. Guess it’s your turn.’

I shook my head, ‘Don’t worry about it, Charlie.’ My voice was a bit croaky this morning.

‘Coffee? Juice?’ he stepped away from the pan, reaching up to his cupboard to fish out a cup.

‘It’s fine.’

‘It’s the least I can offer you. You didn’t stay for breakfast last time. Oh, and um,’ he paused, full of nerves. His eyes looked everywhere but me, ‘Thanks for not … you know. I shouldn’t have said what I did. What I did and said last night was completely out of line, you shouldn’t have to deal with that.’

He wasn’t pretending. He was owning up to last night. He could have easily pretended to forget. He deserved something for this.

I sat myself at his small dining table, ‘Well, you did say you make good breakfast. Even Oli vouches for you.’

‘This is ‘thanks for looking after me’ eggs and bacon,’ he placed the plate in front of me.

I laughed and the comforting scents of fried egg and bacon soothed my poor stomach.

‘Hey.’

I looked up

He pointed, ‘What happened to your face? There’s marks on it.’

‘Oh,’ I rubbed my cheeks, feeling the scratches.

Why did I do it on my face?

I shrugged and started cutting my bacon. ‘Must have done it in my sleep or something.’ I chewed on the bacon and added, ‘Wow, this really is good.’

He grinned, ‘Told you.’

                                                                     ***

After breakfast, we talked as I finished up my coffee. Things were back to normal now. This was good. This was exactly what I needed. Laughing and teasing each other, the grin hadn’t left my face all morning.

‘Right,’ I drank the rest of my coffee and stood up. ‘Time for me to go.’

‘Don’t forget your suitcase,’ he piped up.

‘Oh, yes,’ I replied, sheepish.

I walked to his room to pick it up and he followed me. He leaned against the doorframe.

‘So, you are off to the airport this evening,’ he said, in a quiet tone.

‘Half seven time,’ I said, pulling the case handle up so I could drag it along the ground.

‘Right, right,’ he said, casting his eyes down.

‘I had fun last night,’ I smiled at him.

He nodded and another grin bloomed on his face, ‘I am really glad you did Nathan.’

‘Nathanial!’

We both gave out a little chuckle before I walked towards him with the suitcase.

He gave me space so I could stand with him in the doorway.

‘Well, see you in a few weeks, Nathanial. Don’t forget, pictures and Facebook and emails and all that crap,’ he said.

He enveloped me in his arms, and I wrapped my arms around his shoulders too. I loosened my arms ready to let go. But he was still holding on, his nose was buried in the back of my neck.

He was so warm against and he smelt like Charlie, his unique scent. It was such a good fresh scent. Like apples. His hair tickled my face.

I patted his back, almost tapping it, and pulled myself away a little. I already missed being closer to him, my arms ached as if holding him longer would help.

His eyes were a little misted and were looking everywhere but me. I was reading too much into this. But he smelt so good. His bare legs felt warm, his body was so masculine but so fragile in my arms as well.

He wouldn’t look at me.

Pulling away from his open arms, I snatched the handle of the case and marched away, dragging it with me. I made it to the front door before I heard feet pounding against the wooden floorboards. I reached for the door handle and I was yanked back by my shoulders.

He spun me around and pushed me up against the door. He stared at me with one hand on my shoulder, pinning me to the door.

I casted my eyes down but he gripped my shoulders harder. I stared back up at him. I didn’t know what to do. The more he stared into my eyes, the more I couldn’t help but stare back. His blue eyes. All his emotions laid out naked to me. It was like we were both holding our breath.

He leaned in but then gulped, pulled himself back, stopping himself, his voice croaked, just above a whisper, ‘I’m sorry, Nathanial. I’m sorry.’

I said nothing. I said nothing.

Banging echoed through. Stomping of feet and children screaming and running past outside caused us to freeze.

I couldn’t leave things like this.

My voice was almost trapped in my throat.

‘Just lie,’ hissed Jake. ‘You’re already a bad person.’

‘No!’

Charlie’s eyes widened, shocked at my sudden talking.

I shook my head, as if I could explain.

Screw it. Screw it. Just needed to blurt out the honest god bearing truth and run away.

I mumbled, ‘Charlie. I've. Um, fallen for you. Hard. Like really fallen for you. In that …. been like… a while.’

My voice was stumbling in my throat. All the words I wanted to say, wanting a better way to say them. How I wanted to tell him, it’s more than just what I am saying, that I was falling for him, how beautiful he was, and how it freaked me the hell out. That he made me feel scared and amazed at the same time.

‘But I love Alex more,’ I found my voice a bit more and met his gaze. ‘I think you need to explore your sexuality a bit more.’

‘What.’ It was more of a statement then a question and the anger flared up in his eyes. ‘You think I am experimenting, are you being real?’

‘That’s not what I said.’

‘Screw you, Nathanial,’ his voice was shaking. He turned his back away and walked away, I followed him, his breathing deepened.

He was in pain and it was seething through his back. He tried to hide it from me, to hold himself together. But the pain was hunching his shoulders.

‘You think I am just a straight guy messing you around. That I am that kind of guy that wants to interfere with your relationship just because I’m that narcistic?’ he snatched the coffee pot and threw it into the sink, draining it. ‘That I don’t care about you and I’m not freaking out about causing such chaos with everyone, ruin my friendship with you and my relationship with Claire.’

‘I didn’t…’

‘No, you’re right, you’re right,’ his voice was twisted.

He slammed the coffee pot back down. ‘I woke up one day and thought, I need to have some fun, why don’t I mess up my sexuality, mess up my sleeping pattern, mess up my thoughts because, you know, I need some fun.’

I caught his shoulders, ‘Then talk to me, Charlie.’

‘I,’ he let go of the pot and rubbed his forehead.

He looked at my hand rubbing his shoulder.

I let go.

He sighed, ‘Remember when we first met properly? In the coffee house? To work on the script?’

‘Yes,’ I said. ‘I got coffee split all over me, can’t forget that.’

I chuckled a little and I saw Charlie light up a little.

‘I just wanted to touch you,’ he said, bowing his head down, almost admitting it to himself then to me. ‘I knew you were good looking, but I thought it was just an observation. Then the more I was hanging with you, the more I thought about you, wondering what you were up to, you always brought a smile to my face and I. I just thought, maybe, that was because we were becoming close friends. That night we were drinking, it, um. It just hit me. I had to kiss you. To know how you tasted, how you felt. It scares the hell out of me.’

‘You’re exactly like me now,’ snarled Jake.

I folded my arms, my voice was shaking, ‘This is my fault. I’ve led you on. My fault.’

‘I was the one who kissed you, Nathanial.’

‘I responded.’

We were both looking each other in the eyes, and we were both on the verge of angry tears.

I clicked my tongue and looked away, ‘Don’t paint as a good guy anymore Charlie. I messed up and now I am a cheat. Scumbag.’

‘Don’t say that,’ he reached forward to touch my arms, but I pulled away.

‘I nearly physically cheated on Alex,’ the words were so horrifying to my ears.

I turned away from Charlie and murmured, my voice a little broken, ‘I’m everything I don’t want to be.’

‘Nathanial,’ he was behind me, his gentle hand rested on my back, between my shoulder blades. His voice was shaking too.

I said nothing.

Charlie wrapped his arms around my waist and hugged me tight.

‘You’re a better person than I could ever be,’ he whispered in my ear.

‘Do you even like Claire?’

‘Of course, I do,’ his reply was quick. ‘She is charming and funny, and I thought that would be enough.’

I turned around and hugged him tight. I then pushed him away, hard, and stood back.

‘You didn’t think about Claire?’ I asked, rubbing my face with the back of my hand.

In a low voice, I could just about hear him mutter, ‘I only think about you.’

I gave a weak smile, ‘We are both idiots, aren’t we?’

A weak grin dazzled on his face too. He tilted his head, ‘Yes. Yes, we are.’