Not A Kiss - 17. Chapter 17

I laid the pen on the table and stared at the paper which I had been writing on for almost three hours. I hadn’t written a poem for so long mainly because I’m not good at it. But as I looked at the words on the paper, a sense of satisfaction filled me because this poem captured how I truly felt. I needed to make a decision, but I had to see Lee first. A loud sigh escaped my lips.

It’d been a month since Lee caught me making out with Liam. Liam and I were still dating, but we hadn’t gone all the way. I was not ready, my insecurities held me back. I knew Liam was really frustrated about all this, but I had a feeling he was also wary of Lee.

I felt so paranoid.

I heard the door opening and Cedric smiled at me as he entered. He must have noticed my mood because his brows creased into a frown. I had to force myself to smile, but he didn’t buy it. Dumping his gym bag on the floor, he sat on my bed facing me.

“What’s up?” he asked. I knew he meant it to be casual, but I heard a hint of concern in his voice nonetheless.

“Oh nothing much. I just wrote a poem.” He looked at the paper on my study table. I hastily turned the paper over so he wouldn’t see what I’d written. He looked at me, mildly intrigued.

“A poem? Why am I not surprised?” he teased.

“You should be. I suck at writing poems big time. But it’s true what they say, a poem can definitely express how you feel deep inside.”

“Can I see?” He extended his hand to take the paper, but I moved it away from him.

“No, please. I’m sorry, it’s meant for someone.”

“Liam?” Was it my imagination or was there a hint of exasperation in his voice?

I just nodded.

Cedric didn’t say anything although I knew that he was watching me. I kept my head low. Moments passed. I started drifting into my own thoughts, my insecurities, and was starting to get depressed when Cedric patted my shoulder.

“Why don’t we go for a walk?” His smile made me feel a bit better. I was glad to have him as a roommate and friend.

My answer was to stand up. Cedric followed my lead and soon we were out of the dorm, walking around in campus.. Somehow, my feet brought me to the place where Cedric and I sat in a somewhat awkward though thrilling (for me at least) position a month ago; the bench that was a few feet away from the school parking lot. We sat next to each other just like before.

“Why did you bring us here?” he asked, smiling broadly.

“I don’t know. Somehow I always come here whenever I want to do some thinking. This place relaxes me, I don’t know why,” I said. The blush on my cheeks was a dead giveaway that I perfectly knew why the place relaxed me.

“I’ll keep that in mind the next time you’ve gone missing.”

I didn’t want to talk about myself so I opened a topic which I knew would probably disorient Cedric.

“What happened between you and Sam?” I asked. I shifted a bit so that I was facing him, placing my left leg on the bench so as to be comfortable. Cedric did the same, our knees were touching.

“I already told you, I feel so self-conscious, inadequate and uncomfortable whenever I’m with your friend.” Like all the times before, he averted his gaze when he answered me.

“I would understand if you say that it was Sam’s fault. She’s my best friend, but you’re my friend too.”

“It’s not her fault, I already told you that too. It’s my fault.” He blamed himself, I felt that. I wanted to comfort him somehow.

“It’s not too late, you know? She’s not dating anyone at the moment. She’s like that. Her studies come before anything else. If you really like her, go for it. I’ll back you up. My opinion matters to her.” I sincerely wanted him happy, and knew Sam would be happy with him too.

He sighed. “I don’t want to hurt anyone.”

What was that supposed to mean? “Care to explain? I’m willing to listen.” I looked at him, an encouraging smile on my lips.

He sighed yet again.

“Instead of talking about me, why don’t we talk about you? You’re the one who’s suddenly writing poems although you claim to suck at it big time.” Gosh and here I thought I managed to take the spotlight away from me. I wanted to pursue his problem because he obviously had one, but I felt he was not yet prepared to talk.

“Do you think there’s something wrong with Lee? He’s not himself lately,” I said to open up the subject.

Cedric didn’t respond, but fixed me with a penetrating gaze. I squirmed.

“How well do you know your brother?” It was a simple enough question. If it was someone else, I would have said I knew Lee very well. But there was something about Cedric’s question which made me think that he knew something.

“Right now, I feel like I don’t know him at all,” I said, finally voicing out what I had been thinking a lot lately. “It had always been about me with him. But I think he wants something from me, but he can’t get himself to ask.”

“And would you give him what he asks?”

I looked away from Cedric. This was the question I always avoided because I was not sure how to respond to it.

“Dan...” Cedric cupped my chin to make me look at him.

“It took me a while to figure out something about Lee because it seemed ridiculous at first. But when I started to entertain the idea, it all made sense.” I paused and then added, “Do you think I’m being selfish?”

“If you’re referring to the fact that you’re having second thoughts about giving your brother what he wants, my answer is no.”

“You make it sound like I’m actually going to give Lee what he wants.”

“I know you would, because in spite of what you think about yourself, you’re a good brother. But it’s not up to you, you know?”

“I need to talk to Lee,” I declared.

“You do that. He needs you right now.”

We looked at each other. I was comforted by Cedric’s mere presence, but I still shivered at the thought of actually talking to Lee.

“I’ll be here no matter what happens,” Cedric promised.

“Thanks for being a good friend.”

He answered with a smile, but it was bittersweet. I looked at him closely and his eyes were melancholic.

“Don’t be sad for me, Ced. I’ll be fine,” I reassured him.

He turned away from me, probably embarrassed that I noticed his sadness. I placed a hand on his shoulder to comfort him.

“I’ll be fine,” I repeated, hoping that I would really be fine when what I had planned was over. We didn’t say anything after that and the silence stretched indefinitely.

“If there’s anything you’d like to do right now,” Cedric blurted out suddenly, “what would it be?”

The question came as a surprise, but I knew it was Cedric’s way of trying to cheer me up, so I played along.

“I think I’d like to fly,” I grinned. My focus was on Cedric’s face. I was waiting for evidence of his disappointment, but I was the one who was disappointed. Cedric’s face broke into a big smile. He got up, pulled me up from the bench and dragged me across the school grounds, back to the dorm. We didn’t go in though, instead we went to Cedric’s car in the dorm parking lot.

A few minutes later, we were driving; where we were going, I had no idea. I tried to ask Cedric but he answered only with a mysterious smile. When we finally stopped, we were at an airstrip for small private planes. I looked at Cedric in disbelief.

“I was only kidding...” I started to say but Cedric was already out of the car. I had no choice but to follow.

The airstrip was only a small one, but it was still fascinating to behold. I was baffled when the sentry guarding the only entrance into the airstrip greeted Cedric and Cedric waved in response. I looked at my friend questioningly, but he just shrugged. I had never seen so many private planes in my life. We continued walking until I was close enough to see the planes up close. Some were old, but most looked new or well maintained at the least. Most were painted white but there were some blues and reds as well. We stopped at a red one.

“Don’t tell me this is yours?” I asked.

“Ok then I won’t tell you.” He had a huge smile on his face.

“This is yours?” I couldn’t hide the disbelief in my voice.

“Yeah, this was a gift from my Dad when I turned eighteen.”

I started circling the plane, admiring the paint finish and bits and pieces for which I had no idea what the names were. When I finished circling the plane, I looked at Cedric with a big smile on my lips. He winked at me.

“Are you ready to fly?” he asked as if it was the most natural thing in the world.

“You know how to fly this?”

“Of course, what’s the use of having a plane if you can’t fly it?”

Cedric started checking the plane for take off. He circled the plane once, making sure that everything was in place. Then he opened the door and went inside. In a matter of seconds, his head appeared in the doorway and he motioned me to follow him.

The plane looked amazing inside too. Everything was so neat and tidy. The leather seats looked new. We went towards the front of the plane. Cedric took the driver seat and began checking whether we had enough fuel and everything else was in working order. I didn’t know what I should do so I sat on the empty seat beside Cedric.

“Seatbelt please,” Cedric said when he finished his preparations. He also made me wear a headset. When I looked back at Cedric, he was wearing the same thing on his head.

The next few minutes, I heard through the headset Cedric asking someone for permission for us to fly. The conversation was completely technical and I just looked at Cedric with awe, he looked and sounded ‘cool.’

Exhilaration took over me when the plane started moving. We made our way to one end of the runway. The plane accelerated forward and just like that, we were airborne. I whooped involuntarily. Higher and higher he took us until we reached the clouds.

“Thanks,” I said and I heard my own voice through the headset. Cedric smiled and gave me a thumbs-up.

Cedric started pointing out things for me: the school, my house (how the heck did he know where it was from all the way up here?) and some other places. I was completely enjoying myself. From up here, everything seemed small and insignificant.

Intent on cheering me up, Cedric told me to take control of the plane. It was only then that I noticed that the chair I sat on had the same set of controls as he had. Nervously, I held the wheel and felt it vibrate in my hands. I turned towards Cedric and saw that he had a big smile on his face as he held both hands up in the air. With my heart beating fast in my chest, I realized that I was flying the plane and gripped the wheel tight. Cedric then thought me some basic stuff: how to keep the plane steady (that was the easy part, just keep the wheel level), turning right and left and going up and down. Good thing Cedric kept a level head and took control of the plane when I gave us both a scare as I tipped the wheel hard to the right.

We were flying for what must be an hour. Cedric said that we had to land since it was starting to get dark. I saw the sun setting in the distant horizon, it was breathtaking.

As we started going down though, everything that was bothering me before came back to me. I sighed. Cedric reached out for my hand and gave it a squeeze.

“Everything’s going to be alright,” I heard him say through the headset.

Could anything be alright anymore? There was only one thing I could really do, I had to save my brother at least, rescue him from himself. I was afraid for him.

The plane had taxied back to its parking space and I hadn’t even noticed. When I looked at Cedric, he was watching me. I stopped him before he could say anything.

“Ced, thanks for everything.” I smiled weakly at him. “But I’m really tired and tomorrow, well I don’t want to think about tomorrow right now. Can we just go back to the dorm please?”

Cedric just nodded although I got the impression there was something really important he wanted to tell me. I was slightly curious, but felt overwhelmed by my personal complications already.

I vowed though, to make it up to Cedric somehow.