Not A Kiss - 1. Chapter 1

It was raining but the fact that it was did not impede my steps. I trudged slowly but purposefully. My feet already knew the way as I had made this trek ever since I was a kid. My thoughts were elsewhere, my thoughts were of him. I had to see him before it was too late.

I was actually glad of the rain because it hid my tears. Am I crying because I’m losing one of my best friends? My best friend, Joey, is moving you see. I won’t see him again. It sucks but there’s nothing any of us can do about it. He recently lost his Dad and his Mom can’t take care of him by herself so they’re moving in with his grandparents far away.

Am I crying because I’m losing one of my best friends, I asked myself again. Somehow I knew that that was not the only reason. My other best friend, Sam, will also lose her best friend but she’s not losing her head with worry like I am. Then again, Sam has always been the tough one. She’s so adventurous and athletic. I haven’t seen her in a foul mood except when she’s beside herself with fury at anyone who hurt me or Joey, usually me as I am the weakling of the group, back when we were grade schoolers.

Am I crying because I’m losing one of my best friends, I asked for the last time. The answer was a definite no. There’s this “something” between me and Joey, we had not discussed it in so many words, in fact we haven’t discussed it at all but it’s there. It’s like an understanding between the two of us. Sam knows about it or at least she caught on somehow.

It’s the way he looks at me or rather the way we look at each other as I’m sure he’s very much aware that I look at him too. While most of our peers go on dates, watch movies and generally hang out with the opposite sex, Joey and I are happy just hanging out together sometimes with Sam when she’s not busy with sports or other school activities.

There’s the hug too and the “I love you”. We used to do it as kids, even with Sam, and somehow it was just natural to continue doing it. Of course we don’t do it in public, not in places where people would see or hear us. The last time was when we were both 10 years old. It was time for Joey to go home after spending the afternoon with me. So as usual, I hugged him and said I love you as a form of goodbye. When I turned around, my Aunt, who was visiting at the time, stood there transfixed. Later she told my parents what I had done and my parents talked to me that night. They told me that though there’s nothing wrong with what I did, some people would find it unusual. They assured me though that they were not like those other people. I’m free to do what I want but I had to promise that I wouldn't do it again where other people, aside from them, will see or hear. The next day, I told Joey all about it. We both did not understand it at that time but we both swore we wouldn't do it where other people would see or hear. It was like our secret.

At 13 years old, when we were both old enough to realize that what was happening between the two of us was not considered natural by most people, we just looked at each other, smiled shyly and blushed. But nothing changed, in fact we grew even closer. We would hang out in his room or my room and I would usually lay my head against his chest as we talked or studied. When we were in that position, there were times he would look down at me, flick his tongue over his lips, and his eyes would be full of longing. I knew that the same longing was in my own eyes but the moment would just last for a few seconds. After that, we would continue what we were doing before like nothing happened.

Through all this, you would think that Sam was forgotten or something. That’s where you’re wrong. To think that Sam could be out of place anywhere is unheard of. I mean, she’s the type of person who just belongs wherever she is. Sam is still a constant part of both our lives. I think that’s when she knew or guessed about Joey and I. And the fact that she caught me lying on Joey’s chest one day, you know our usual position, with our faces just inches apart.

Finally, I was at the park. I made my way through benches and the playground. Then I saw him, or at least the silhouette of him as it was still raining, leaning against this big maple tree. That tree had a lot of memories in it but now was not the time to remember any of them. While before I walked with a purpose, now I felt like my knees would give. Somehow he sensed that I was there because his silhouette faced my way.

We were finally faced to face. I didn’t know if he noticed that I was crying. We just stood there looking at each other. It was like his eyes were penetrating my entire being. That was too much for me so I broke our eye contact, I looked down at the ground. Then he embraced me. I just lost it and broke down in sobs. I knew that he knew that I was crying but I didn’t mind. He didn’t seem to mind either though. He just held me tighter, his right hand patting my back. I didn’t know for how long I cried but my tears eventually stopped and still he held me.

When he felt that I was finally ok, he gently laid my back against the tree trunk. We still hadn’t said anything to each other and it felt to me that no conversation would happen at all. I looked at him and his face was expressionless. I wanted to say something but then he looked up and smiled weakly. I wanted to cry again but I didn’t want to waste any more time.

“I...” I said but could not finish.

“Don’t.”

I looked at him sadly. I just wanted to tell him how I feel, to finally say the things that we left unsaid. I wanted to say “I love you” for the last time.

“Dan,” he continued, “I wanted to ask you to be mine, to be my boyfriend when we were older. I’m not sure whether I can do that anymore.”

Tears started to form again but I kept them at bay.

“I can’t even remember the moment that I fell for you. It just felt like I’ve always loved you and deep down I know that I always will. And I know that you feel the same way that’s why this is hard for me, more than you’ll know.”

He stopped then. He turned his back to me and I saw his shoulders shake a little. When he faced me again, I caught my breath. There are moments when I forget just how beautiful he is just because I’m always with him. But there are moments, just like now, when I would be suddenly reminded of this fact. His handsomeness is extraordinary due to the fact that he’s not conscious of it or maybe he doesn’t care whether or not he is. I think he is so confident and relaxed being himself that he does not mind what others think of him. And I could just get lost in those brown eyes of his. But the best part of him, for me is his sexy lips which I had dreamt of kissing for as long as I was aware of my feelings for him.

His eyes were full of concern at the moment and his lips were pouting a little. Despite of myself, I had to smile. He saw this and he suddenly went rigid as if petrified.

“Are you ok?” I finally said after all the time with him.

“Y-yeah. It’s just that I would definitely miss your smile the most.”

“Why do we need to say goodbye, Joey? It’s not as if we won’t see each other ever. We can talk, chat and send emails. There’s a whole lot of technology we can use to keep our bond.”

“You think that would work?” He said matter of factly. “You won’t miss our hugs, talking, doing things together, hanging out? Because for me that would definitely be a problem. The more I am far apart from you, the more I’ll realize how unhappy I am. You think that is a good way for us to live our lives?” He said all of these gently but it hurts nonetheless.

I didn’t say anything. I didn’t know what to say after all. I felt that Joey was pondering things too, trying to come up with a solution that would make both of us happy. But there’s no solution. One way or another, we will both get hurt and the only solution is whether we should prolong the hurt or get it over with as fast as possible.

“I think it’s best if we end this right here and now.” Joey said after awhile.

I wanted to cry but I just felt empty. I was barely old enough to understand what love really is and here I was having my heart broken. I somehow felt like I was robbed. I looked at Joey to try and see whether he was feeling the same way I did, like the whole world caved in on him but I was not lucky at that moment. There was a time when I could actually tell what he was feeling, I wished that I could do that again now.

I tried to stand without the tree trunk to support me but found that I couldn’t. Using the back of my right hand, I wiped the single tear that ran down my eye. I felt so helpless.

Suddenly, Joey was closer to me. He laid both his hands on my shoulders. Our eyes met and we were in that moment again. Joey’s face inched closer to mine, his lips almost touching my lips. I closed my eyes.

I finally had my first kiss and I shared it with Joey. But somehow it felt wrong, something was wrong. Joey’s lips were soft, exactly the way I imagined them to feel. But what’s wrong? Then it hit me. This was wrong because it didn’t happen. I was just dreaming.

I woke up. I haven’t thought or dreamt of Joey for years now. After that day, I had this dream or memory is more like it of that moment under the maple tree for awhile. In my dream, everything happened as it did during that day but always it would end with Joey and me kissing. I wished he did kiss me back then.

You see when I opened my eyes. Joey was nowhere in sight. He left me with nothing, not even a kiss.