Not A Kiss - 11. Chapter 11

Cedric’s whole body stiffened beside me and his eyes opened wide in surprise. I wished I could take back what I said but it was already too late. There was a part of me which told me I had done the right thing. The sooner Cedric realized he was straight, the better, not only for his sake but mine as well. But there was also a part of me which wanted to believe--which hoped I’d been wrong. I wanted Cedric to be gay because my heartbeat went on overdrive when he said he wanted to be my boyfriend.

But the more time passed wherein he looked at me in utter amazement, the more I realized I was right. I hoped he would tell me I was wrong and kiss me to prove that he was indeed gay. As I looked at his handsome, slightly confused face, I felt this yearning to touch him, embrace him, kiss him. I wanted to make him mine.

But I did nothing.

“Ced?”

It was only then he made any sort of movement. His eyes narrowed a bit and watered. I wrapped my arms around him but not because of my earlier motive. I wanted to make him feel that I was there for him as a friend. I wanted to share in his pain of which I was partly to blame. I wanted to comfort him.

I could not tell whether Cedric was crying. I held him but he was mostly immobile. His body didn’t tremble, I could not hear him sob and I didn’t feel any dampness on my shoulder where his head was resting. I stroked his back while I held him. My earlier urge to make him mine was forgotten now. I just wanted him to be ok.

“I’m sorry,” I said as my voice cracked a bit.

He didn’t say anything. He didn’t push me away though so that must have meant something. I kept holding him and caressing his back.

“I’m sorry, too,” he said.

I gently pushed myself away from him so I could look at his face. His eyes were a little damp. His hair, for once, was in complete disarray. I used my right hand to brush the hair off his face. I would look unattractive if I were in his condition, but he looked like an angel in pain, beautiful and fragile.

“Ced, I like you too. I think that was quite obvious from day one. You’re the most attractive guy I have ever known. I had an instant crush on you and it didn’t help that I got to know you more and more during the times we spent together, which was a lot.” He didn’t move the whole time I was talking

“However, I started to get this feeling that there was something wrong. At first I thought you didn’t like me. But that doesn’t seem to be true because you genuinely care for me. You like me, Ced, but I think not in the way I like you.”

Cedric looked at me then he sighed.

“I honestly don’t know what to say, Dan.”

“I am not an expert in psychology, Ced, nor am I one of those people who just look at someone in the eye and would immediately know everything there is about that person. I just think you grew up in an environment where relationship with the same sex is natural so you made yourself believe you feel the same way. You actually thought you’re gay. And the fact you met me and felt this emotion you can’t explain didn’t help at all. But I think there’s someone you like more than me, right?” I looked at his face. I couldn’t tell at all what he was feeling, I felt like he was trying to hide it from me.

“I think you like Sam,” I said after much consideration.

His eyes widened a bit. I did feel a small ache in my chest but I ignored it. So far, Cedric had not confirmed nor denied anything. But his reactions, no matter how small and subtle they were, gave me the feeling I was right about him.

“Remember the first time we met? I was so nervous and the same is true when I’m around guys. But it’s different with you. You’re nervous when around girls, you were nervous when Sam came to us during lunch one day. I saw your reaction.”

“You’re right, Dan. I’m straight. Always had been, always will be no matter how much I tell myself I’m gay.”

He said the words in an even voice without any emotion. I didn’t get the feeling he was lying though I got the feeling that there was something not right, I just couldn’t put my finger on it. I sighed.

“How do you feel” I asked.

“Not sure. It’s the first time I’ve really admitted something like that aloud.” He confessed.

“So what do we do now?” I asked after a while. “I can’t help the way I feel about you, Ced, but I don’t want to lose you as a friend either. If you can handle a gay friend with a little crush on you then that would make me really happy.”

Cedric smiled. It was not his usual cheerful smile but getting there.

“Hey, I’m gay friendly,” he said grinning. “Also, it inflates my already bloated ego whenever a hot guy like you digs me.”

I couldn’t help but smile.

“You’re hopeless,” I teased. “We must make some rules though.”

“What kind?”

“Well, no more running around the room in just your undies. And no sleeping together in one bed. That’s all I can think of for now.”

“No prob with me. Starting Sunday night, no more running wearing only undies. Walking and sitting wearing only undies is more my thing anyway.” He said with a wink at me.

“Ced, I mean it.”

“Ok, but can we not enforce the ‘no sleeping together in one bed’ rule for now? I would like to share this moment with you for the last time. I want to sleep with you in this bed, please?”

For a straight guy, he acted so gay sometimes. Still I couldn’t help but feel excited about sleeping next to him.

“I’ll just turn off the light.” I didn’t say whether I was in agreement to his proposal or not but I guess I didn’t need to. He already knew the answer.

As I climbed in bed after switching off the light, I was very much aware that Cedric was beside me. I could feel him watching me but I didn’t dare look. After a while, I felt him moving closer to me. He laid his head on top of my chest and as if it was the most natural thing in the world, he took my hand and placed it on top of his chest. We didn’t say anything, only our hard breathing indicated that we were still very much awake.

********************

I was having the same dream: the park, the tree, Joey, the conversation. I thought I was rid of this dream after some sort of closure I had with Joey. Everything was exactly the same until it was time for the kiss. I was looking at the bluest of blue eyes. I felt his sweet, warm breathe against my face. Then his lips against mine as we shared the softest, most thrilling kiss not that there was anything I could compare it to. The kiss bothered me because it felt real somehow but surely it was still a dream because there was only one guy I know with blue eyes. Instead of waking up panting as what usually happens, I fell into a deeper sleep with a smile on my face.

When I finally woke up, everything seemed bright and gay. Sunlight filtered through the windows brightening the whole room like never before. So much had happened last night but right now I just felt happy. I didn’t even mind that I was alone in the room. I cherished the moment as much as I could.

People usually said the sea is calm before a storm. I’ve decided that I will deal with everything later: Lee’s weird behavior, Liam avoiding me, the straight Cedric, the returning Joey and my best friend Sam. I wanted to be free of everything just for a while. So I picked up the guitar and started singing while I played. I picked this song about not wanting to be alone anymore and I just poured my heart and soul into it because that was exactly how I felt. I was so lost in the moment I didn’t notice someone was with me until I heard an applause.

“Wow, you have a very nice singing voice.”

“How long have you been here, Ced?” I asked. I was glad that I had my back to him because I felt the warmth on my cheeks. I don’t usually let others hear me sing.

“Long enough to know that you’re a good singer.” He sat beside me on the bed.

I put the guitar down and didn’t say anything. I could still feel the warmness on my cheeks but there was nothing I could do to stop myself from blushing.

“Are you ok?” Cedric asked after a while.

“Yeah, I’m just not comfortable letting others hear me sing,” I confessed.

“Hey, I’m just not some random guy. I am your friend. We are still friends, right?”

“Yeah, of course,” I said. “Where have you been by the way?”

“Downstairs. I helped your Mom prepare breakfast then your Dad with his garden for a bit. I just came to check whether you’re already awake and tell you that breakfast is ready,” he said cheerfully. I envy people with sunny dispositions, it seems like nothing can get them down.

“You were up so early in the morning? That must be a first,” I teased.

“It’s because I didn’t get much sleep. Someone was snoring and it was not me.”

I was immediately embarrassed but the feeling changed to irk when Cedric laughed. Pretty soon, I was laughing with him. It was so easy being with Cedric. I was glad we decided to remain friends even though he was straight and I wasn’t.

We went downstairs to the smell of bacon and eggs. Mom must have noticed I was in a good mood because she kept hinting on how nice it was for Cedric to be there. It didn’t help that as soon as Cedric put some bacon in his plate, he started to put some on mine too. I blushed profusely. On the other hand, Mom was positively beaming and Dad had a knowing smile on his face. Cedric was about to put some eggs on my plate but I managed to take the plate away from him before he could do so. He just shrugged but as I was distracted in putting some eggs on my plate, he was able to sneak in a couple of toast. He was really something.

Breakfast was unusually jolly with Cedric there. He entertained us with some funny stories and his humorous wit as we ate. Before long, the food was gone.

Mom made us go to my room after breakfast. She said she would take care of the dishes. I complained for a while but she didn’t give in. This pairing up with Cedric had to stop. I wanted to ask Cedric whether it was ok to tell my parents he was straight.

“How long have your parents known that you’re gay?” Cedric asked as soon as we were on my room.

“I think they knew before I did. As I told you, Joey and I were really close back then so they probably had their suspicions. But I came out to them after Joey left. They were very understanding about it.”

“Now that you mention it, how did your talk with Joey go?” he asked,the curiosity very much apparent both in his voice and face.

So I told him everything. I left out the part about the tree waving because I didn’t want him to think that I was crazy or at least melodramatic. He didn’t say anything the whole time. He just listened attentively and the seriousness on his face made me think he was in deep thought.

“So you’re not back together?” he asked. It was a perfectly harmless question but I got the impression that there was something to it. Perhaps it was the way he asked it or the fact that it was the first thing that came to his mind.

“Nope but we’re going to try to be friends again.”

He didn’t say anything. I couldn’t really read his expression. My gaze focused on his lips and I was reminded of our dream kiss. My heart began pumping faster. I had to repeat to myself that Cedric was straight over and over in order to calm myself. It took a while though.

Cedric seemed oblivious to what was happening to me or the effect he had on me probably because he was still lost in his own thoughts.

“Want me to ask Sam to come over? Or we can go to her place if you want.” I volunteered.

I wasn’t even sure if he heard me, he made no indication that he did. I sighed and turned away from him.

“I already called her,” he said. “I asked her on a date this evening.”

In spite knowing Cedric was straight, it still hurt.