Not A Kiss - 19. Chapter 19

I slept beside Lee that night. As I’d closed my eyes, Lee still held on to my waist as if he would drown or something if he let go. When I awoke the next day, however, he was hunched slightly away from me. I was glad because it meant I could sneak out without bothering him. I went around the bed though to check on him. I wasn’t sure whether he was ok or not when I looked at his sleeping form. But as far as I could tell there was nothing wrong, so I quietly made my way down to the living room.

“Hi Dad, hi Mom.”

“How’s Lee?” Mom asked, and they both looked at me, concern in their questioning eyes.

“He’s still sleeping. Can you please ask him to see me in my dorm room when he wakes up?”

“Ok, but what’s wrong with him Daniel?” The question came from Mom again. She looked really worried.

“I would like to tell you, but I think it’s better if he does. I’m sorry Mom. Sorry Dad.” I gave both of them a kiss and turned to go to my room. Once inside, I placed a call.

“Hi Ced, did I wake you?” I knew that Cedric was a morning person, but I didn’t want to be rude. Cedric answered that he had been awake for almost an hour already.

“I was wondering if you would mind coming over to pick me up? I’m at my parent’s house.” Cedric readily agreed.

“Thanks. There’s another thing, would you mind staying away from our room for awhile?”

Cedric asked for how long. “I’m not sure, I’ll give you a call when it’s ok for you to come back.” Again, Cedric agreed, probably because of the urgency in my voice.

“Thanks, Ced. I owe you so much already. I promise to make it up to you.” I hung up.

I made another call and arranged for Liam to meet me at my dorm room. I sighed when I’d finished.

After saying goodbye to my parents, I went outside to wait for Cedric. He arrived earlier than I expected.

“Did you break all speed limits?” I asked seriously as I strapped myself to the passenger seat.

“No, I just noted some urgency in your voice during our phone conversation and came here as fast as legally possible.” He looked out the window at my house. “Can I come in to say hello to your parents?”

“I’m really sorry Ced, but we need to go.” As I looked him in the eye, I tried to convey to him how important it was for us to get going.

“Ok.” He started the car and we were on our way.

“Are you going to tell me what you’re planning?” he asked after a while.

“I don’t need to. You’ll know all about it when this is finished,” I said as I turned my head away from him so that he wouldn’t notice the sadness that I knew was reflected on my face.

“But I want to hear it from you. I want to help.”

“You’re helping me right now. In fact, you’ve been a great help already. I just need to do this alone.” The truth was, I wanted so much for Cedric to be there, but knew that his presence would just create complications.

He sighed. “Why do I get the feeling that you’re trying to get yourself hurt?”

“Ced please...”

“Ok,” he said, resigned that I wasn’t ready to talk about it.

A few minutes later, Cedric stopped at the front door of the dorm building.

“Where are you going?” I asked with concern.

“I’m going home. I need to do some laundry anyway. Can you promise me one thing Dan?”

Warily I said, “It depends. What would you like me to promise?”

“Can you try not to get yourself hurt too much?” he asked and I wanted to cry as I felt his genuine concern for me.

“I can’t promise you that,” I said and then got out of the car without a look at Cedric. I knew that one look at him would probably make me break down in tears.

I went inside the dorm building and rode the elevator to the second floor. I immediately spotted Liam as I turned left. I felt my knees go weak so I slowly made my way to him. He was looking at me, a frown on his face.

“Are you ok?” he asked.

“Yeah, just a little bit tired. Let’s go in.”

Liam embraced me as soon as I closed the door. Knowing what I was supposed to do, I didn’t want to hug him back. I lost in the end though, I wrapped my arms around him, embracing him tightly. When Liam let go of the hug, he looked into my eyes and I saw his face slowly moved closer to mine. With my heart racing, I stepped back.

“Um why don’t we sit down?” Quickly, I turned towards my bed.

Liam finally sat beside me with a worried expression on his face. “Danny is there something wrong?”

Unable to answer, I bowed my head to avoid looking at his handsome face.

“Danny...” With his right hand, he gently applied pressure upwards on my chin until I was looking into his eyes.

“Why do you look at me as if you love me?” The words came out before I could stop myself.

Liam’s expression went from concern to confusion. He was silent for some time and looked as if he was in deep thought. Finally, he broke into a grin.

“Is this what this is all about? I do love you, Dan,” he said cheerfully.

Without a word, I got up to get the paper on top of my study table. I handed it to Liam and watched him read the poem I wrote for him a couple days ago.

I was sad and alone until you found me
Didn’t know how lonesome I was until you
You were my light at the end of a dark cave
Guess it’s corny to say you were my savior

The air of mystery around you dissolved
The most beautiful smile I saw on your lips
Guess you were just as sad and alone as me
I vowed to keep you happy forevermore

Isn’t it wonderful how much we’ve grown close?
Being around you brings out the best in me
If you want proof, I think this poem is enough
This is for you, sorry if it doesn’t rhyme

But lately something has been bothering me
It began the night I slept in your arms
I heard you talking in your sleep, my darling
I had been wondering whether it was true

Would you mind if I ask you whether you see me?
Am afraid that maybe you see someone else
Guess I’m afraid of being alone again
Should I fight for you or should I let you go?

When he began reading, a small smile lingering on Liam’s lips, but by the time he finished reading a big frown dominated his face.

“What does this mean, Dan? And why did you underline the words ‘let you go’?” He spoke softly as if each word pained him.

Seeing him this sad, I wasn’t sure I could go through with my plan.

“I think you know, or at least have an idea.”

“Do you remember the night Lee caught us making out in your bed?” I said with a fake cheerfulness in my voice. Liam nodded, but his brows were creased, clueless as to where this conversation was going. “I slept with you that night, do you remember that too? Well I heard you talking in your sleep. You kept saying ‘I’m sorry, Lee’ again and again for I don’t know how many times. And at the very end, you said ‘I love you, Lee.’”

I must have looked ridiculous because I had a smile on my lips, but tears were falling down my face. I couldn’t help it. Liam looked at me with sorrow in his eyes.

“Dan,” he said. “I’m sorry.”

I shook my head. “Don’t be sorry, Liam. In fact, I want to thank you because you made me feel how wonderful it is to be with someone.”

“I do love you, Dan,” he said and as I looked into his eyes I knew that he was telling the truth.

“Thanks, but I have to let you go.” My tears still flowed freely.

“Danny, you’re being silly. You make me happy. I thought you promised to always make me happy,” he said while he tapped the paper that he was still holding with a finger.

“That’s why I’m doing this, because of that promise.” In spite of my tears, the strength and calmness of my voice reflected my unwavering reserve.

“But why?” he asked frustrated.

“Because I’m not gonna let you settle with the next best thing. I may look like my brother, but I’m not him.” And as if on cue, there was a knock on the door. I wiped my face with the back of my hand before I got up to answer the door.

It was Lee and though he looked better now than he did the past few weeks, he still looked unhappy. I blocked his view inside of my room so that he won’t see who was inside. I beckoned him in and before he could react to Liam being inside, I closed the door using my body to block the only means of escape.

“What’s the meaning of this Danny?” Lee asked as he turned to me, his face slightly angry. I could see Liam with horror in his face.

“You two need to talk,” I said, my voice devoid of any emotion.

“Danny, don’t do this,” Lee pleaded.

“I have to. I am not doing this because you’re my brother,” I said to Lee. “And I’m not doing this because of my feelings for you,” I said to Liam. “I am doing this because I know how much you two love each other.”

They were both shocked at my last revelation.

“I am now going to leave you two alone to talk. Please don’t make me regret my sacrifice,” I pleaded.

I didn’t move for some time. I looked from Lee to Liam, making sure to look deep into their eyes.

“My only consolation is that I lost to true love. You two are meant to be together.” I turned then and was out of the room in a flash. I wanted to cry, but I didn’t want Lee and Liam to hear me so I hastily made my way out of the dorm. Joey was waiting for me outside when I stepped out of the front door.

Joey came towards me and hugged me tightly. I was so confused, but glad of the comfort his embrace was giving me at the same time. I felt myself starting to give in, but I was still wary of the few people that were about.

“Can we get out of here?” I asked.

Without saying a word, Joey led me to his car. Lost in my thoughts, I was surprised when I noticed that I was inside the car with Joey in the driver seat. He didn’t say anything as he started the car and drove. When he stopped, we were in the cemetery.

“I always come here when I’m sad. There’s something about this place that is just so peaceful,” he said answering my unvoiced question.

A serene silence followed. I welcomed it. We didn’t make any move to go out of the car. From inside, I watched as a gentle breeze swayed the grass.

“Did you just happen to be there or did you want something from me?” I asked, my eyes averted from his.

“Ced called and told me that he thinks you were in some kind of trouble. I saw he was right as soon as I saw you walk out the door.”

Cedric? Part of me wished he was here.

“Thanks for coming for me.” I almost asked where Cedric was, but I caught myself in time.

“Are you ready to talk now?” Joey asked.

I kept quiet which Joey probably took as a sign that I wasn’t.

“Would you mind accompanying me to Dad’s grave?” He made it sound as if I would be doing him a favor. After he sort of rescued me, I couldn’t let him down. Joey led the way and soon we were standing in his Dad’s grave.

“Hey Dad. Do you remember Dan? He agreed to come here with me. You’re probably sick and tired of me already as I’m almost always here so I took him with me.” He sat down and began pulling grass off of his Dad’s tombstone. I sat down beside him.

I watched Joey. I remembered his remark earlier that he always come here whenever he was sad. Does that mean that he’d been unhappy lately? I really couldn’t handle the thought of causing one more person’s sadness. He must have sensed me looking at him because he stopped what he was doing and stared back at me.

He smiled at me.

“I’m sorry Joey.”

“For what?”

“For making you sad,” I said.

He reached for my hand and held it.

“You know what’s the problem with you Dan? You always blame yourself for what happens to other people. Though you’re part of the reason I’m sad, you are not the cause of it. You can’t fix everything.” The concern in his words, the softness of his voice as he spoke and the gentleness with which he held my hand were too much for me.

“Just let it go, Dan,” he added.

My tears flowed then, and Joey moved closer and wrapped his arms around me.