Not A Kiss - 18. Chapter 18

When Cedric and I arrived at our room, I went straight for my bed. I heard Cedric sigh but I kept my back to him. I didn’t feel like talking. I knew I was being ungrateful after everything he’d done for me that day, but I needed to be alone with my thoughts. I had to do this alone for now.

It was a restless night for me. When I woke, everything seemed gloomy although the sun was shining brightly outside. I groaned inwardly. How was I supposed to tell Lee what he probably didn’t want to hear?

I kept having second thoughts about what I should do. Although I was doing this mostly for Lee, my intentions weren’t entirely pure; I was being selfish too. As much as I wanted to know the truth, there would be consequences. Once I started this, there was no going back.

Lee arrived moments later. He smiled when he saw me, but it wasn’t his usual smile. He was not himself, he hadn’t been himself at all for I can’t remember how long. The pain I felt seeing Lee like this convinced me I was doing the right thing.

“Hi Danny, why did you want to see me?”

“Hi Lee. Are you ok?” I asked. He just nodded.

“Ok,” I said without trying to hide the doubt in my voice. “I thought maybe you’d want to go hiking with me. We could go to that place Dad used to take us when we were kids.” The place I was referring to was a wooded hill a few kilometers away from home.

“I’m busy.”

“Lee, please?” I begged. “I need you.” I felt a twinge of guilt for saying the one thing Lee could never say no to, but we needed to have this talk.

He sighed. “Let’s go.”

Cedric was still sleeping so I left him a note to say where I was going.

Lee led us to his car without saying a word. He kept silent as he started the car and began to drive. I didn’t speak either because I was so nervous about what I had to do. Every time I glanced at Lee, I could see how unhappy he was.

We stopped by our parent’s house to get some food and change of clothes. Mom pulled me aside and asked what was wrong with Lee and I reassured her that I was working on finding that out. We went back to Lee’s car with a backpack each. Not surprisingly, we continued our silence the rest of the drive.

Lee parked the car as close to the hill as possible. Slinging our backpacks over our shoulders, we got off. I looked around me and couldn’t help but feel reverent. Everything was calm, the only sound that could be heard were those coming from insects and occasional animals. The gentle sway of plants and trees just added to the feeling of serenity. I looked at Lee and I knew that he was feeling the same way I was. The slight crease of his eyebrows was gone. I smiled knowing I’d picked the perfect spot for what I had planned.

We started the trek up the hill. It wasn’t that hard because the hill was not that steep and we could always grab a tree to help us move up. The trees were spaced evenly throughout the hill. It was slightly warm so Lee and I were both sweating by the time we arrived at the small clearing on top of the hill. While taking a drink, I spotted a fallen tree. Making my way towards it, I noticed how green everything was. This was the perfect spot so I sat down.

Lee was a few feet away with his back to me. He remained standing, still and silent. I knew he was lost in his own thoughts. Knowing I had to get this right, I didn’t bother him right away. I was a little bit concerned that maybe I hadn’t picked the perfect place after all. What if Lee got very mad and left me here? Sure I could hike back home, but it would probably take hours. Nothing I could do about it now.

How long we lingered in silence, I don’t know. It seemed like hours to me, but probably wasn’t more than a couple of minutes. Being around places like this usually had that effect on people. Lee turned and made his way to me. I kept looking at his face and he didn’t seem as sad as before. Sitting beside me, he took a couple of sandwiches from his pack and handed one to me. We still hadn’t spoken to each other.

Watching him eat, I noticed his bites were almost automatic, as if he was doing it without thinking about it. I saw his face change from wonder to surprise when he looked at his empty hand. The sandwich was finished minutes ago. He was reaching for another sandwich, but changed his mind and got a water bottle instead. Tipping the bottle, he drank until it was almost empty.

“Thanks for inviting me here. It’s nice being here with you,” Lee said, finally breaking his silence. He seemed almost himself.

“Will you talk to me now?” I asked.

“I had a feeling this was why you wanted to come here,” he said sadly.

“I’m your brother and I’m worried about you. You’re not yourself. Even Mom noticed.”

He looked at me surprised. Of all people, I knew he didn’t want Mom to worry.

“I’m sorry for making you worry. I just have a lot on my mind. I don’t want to talk about it,” he said firmly.

“You don’t need to talk if you don’t want to, but can you at least listen to me?” He didn’t respond so I took it as a sign that he was at least willing to listen.

I took a deep breath and sighed. I opened my mouth and no word came out. I tried again.

“You’ve been taking care of me ever since we were kids. I know that no matter what happens, I can always count on you and you’ll always be there for me. But somehow, somewhere along the line, I grew dependent on you.”

Afraid he might say something that would cause me to lose my nerve, I continued. “I don’t know what happened, but somehow you got it into your head that my happiness comes before yours. That shouldn’t be the case. It might sound ungrateful of me to say that I don’t need you and I can take care of myself, but it’s the truth Lee. It would be hard without you always being there for me, but I think I’ll survive.”

“Just what are you trying to say?” Lee asked, obviously irritated.

I smiled at him. “I’m relieving you of your big brother responsibilities. I think it’s time for you to think of your own happiness for once.” It took a lot of effort on my part for my voice not to crack.

“You’re being silly. I’m your big brother. It’s my responsibility to take care of you.” A mix of slight annoyance and incredulity was in his voice.

“I think you’re the one that needs being taken care of right now.” I looked at him warily.

“I already told you, I’m fine,” he said as if he didn’t believe it himself.

“But are you happy?” Lee looked at me and his eyes began to water. I was waiting for his tears to flow but somehow he managed to control it. I was a bit disappointed, I had a feeling that crying would probably make him feel better.

“What would make you happy Lee?” I continued, walking forward with my back to him. “My advice is, seek your own happiness. Think about yourself for once. You deserve to be happy.”

I glanced back and Lee was slumped on the ground, his head so low I couldn’t see his face, but I knew he was crying. I saw it in the way his shoulders shuddered a bit.

“You know what I think? I think…” I stopped because there was a sudden lump in my throat. After a while, “I think you like Liam more than as your best friend.”

Lee looked up now and his gaze was on me, his eyes wide. It took all of my self-control not to cry. I felt horrible that I liked the same guy my brother liked.

“Dan...”

“It’s ok. I’m ok. Don’t worry about it. We both like the same guy, but you ought to say something about it. Tell Liam how you feel.” I felt like there was something constricting my heart as I said the words, but I smiled through it all.

“But how?” Lee looked helpless. I moved towards him and sat on the ground beside him.

“Do you mean how you can like Liam?” I asked. “Does it matter? Would you sacrifice your happiness for something as trivial as sexuality?”

“You fell in love with him without realizing it,” I concluded.

Lee looked at me with a shocked expression on his face. I just shrugged although what I really wanted to do was curl up in a fetal position on the floor.

To stress the subject, I asked, “You are in love with him, aren’t you?”

Silence. And then, “I’m sorry, Danny.”

“Are you still thinking about my wellbeing? Don’t be sorry. Falling in love is the most natural thing in the world. It’s my fault anyway, if I didn’t get in the picture, you two would probably be happy by now.”

“But I was the one who told you to befriend him.” It was true, but I was not about to tell him so. On top of his confusion, he has to deal with the fact that I knew about his sexuality and that he was in love with Liam.

“You should tell him how you feel.”

“What would that accomplish now? He’s in a relationship with you; my own brother. On top of not wanting to hurt you, I don’t want to risk my friendship with him.”

“But can you live with not knowing how he feels? What if he likes you too?” I asked. I was amazed at how calm I was even though I felt so hollow inside. There was a sinking feeling at the pit of my stomach.

“Danny, are you sacrificing your happiness for me?”

I didn’t answer for a very long time.

“I’m not. I like Liam too. I just want you to tell him how you feel. I think that’s fair for all of us.”

“I won’t do that,” he said firmly.

I was afraid of this. There was no way, but for me to talk to Liam. I wanted to avoid this part but I had prepared myself for it somehow.

“Ok,” I said, moving closer to Lee and wrapping my arms around him. He leaned against me and I heard his gentle sobs. His body shuddered involuntarily. In spite of how miserable I was feeling, it felt good to be comforting my big brother. It was such a welcome change.

When the sobs and the shudders subsided, Lee disengaged himself from me. I got up and helped him to his feet. His eyes were a little red but he looked fine otherwise.

He picked up his backpack and slung it on his shoulders. I did the same. The trek downhill was easier so we were back in his car half the time it took us to go up.

“Lee, there’s nothing wrong with being... different,” I said when Lee didn’t start the car after about five minutes.

“I know. I don’t care about that. Well not that much at least. I just wished that I acted on my feelings before.”

I wanted to tell him that everything would be alright, but I didn’t know whether it was true.

I offered to drive, but he refused. He drove in silence. As I watched him, he didn’t seem sad anymore, he was angry, probably at himself.

“Don’t blame yourself,” I said.

“Why shouldn’t I?” he asked. “I’m just a big coward.”

“You’re not a coward. It’s hard for people to accept themselves sometimes. I was lucky because I had you. I should be blaming myself because I didn’t make you feel that you can talk about this with me. Or maybe you tried, but I was too dumb to get the hint. I was so selfish. All I cared about were my own problems.”

Lee stopped the car.

“Dan, don’t. This is hard enough as it is. If you start blaming yourself, I won’t be able to forgive myself,” he said as he looked at me.

I didn’t say anything. I had already made up my mind what to do.

When we got home, Lee went straight for his room. Dad and Mom looked at me questioningly, but I just shook my head.

“He’ll talk to you when he’s ready,” I said.

I went upstairs but instead of going to my own room, I went to Lee’s. I saw him sprawled facedown on the bed. I sat on the bed. Lee looked up to me.

“Do you hate me?” he asked.

I was surprised. I looked at him and he was serious.

“Of course not, why would I hate you?”

“Because... because of... Liam.”

In response, I reached for him and hugged him.

“Please stay,” he said.

I put my feet on the bed and edged closer to him. Lee held on to me tightly. I was glad that Lee was still facedown, his head resting on my stomach because a tear fell down my cheek. I wiped it immediately.

“I love you Lee.” So much. Instead of answering, he hugged me tighter.