Not A Kiss - 6. Chapter 6

I think the thing I miss the most about home is the fact that I can just be by myself. I think it’s obvious that I like having Cedric around but I never realized how much I enjoy being by myself until now. I had a small smile on my lips as I walked without minding where I was going. The important thing was the walk, not the destination.

I thought about everything that happened. Growing up with Lee, my lifelong friendship with Sam and even Joey, the instant connection with Cedric, hanging out with Liam and seeing Joey for the first time after so many years. Memories good and bad. I sighed.

I guess the most pressing thing that’s on my mind right now is Joey. The fact that I was very much affected by his sudden reappearance meant that I still had feelings for him. It’s not surprising really, I harbored those feelings for five years and when did I decide to finally let go? Not more than two weeks ago? If I had let go sooner, maybe I could have handled the situation better. Oh well, what’s done is done. Now what do I do about it?

Would it be cliche if I say ‘That is the question?’

The most effective way is always the direct approach: confront Joey and get it over with! If only it was that easy. I don’t trust myself when I’m with Joey. He has this certain effect on me and I’m afraid that it is not impossible for me to fall head over heels in love with him again. I can just picture myself throwing myself at him. Forget about the past, forget about five years of sadness. Or as Lee puts it, one year of wallowing and four years of just giving up.

Maybe I’m looking at this the wrong way. I’m focusing on the negative. What if I consider actually taking Joey back? What will happen then? I think Lee will be furious. Sam will be happy. Cedric? Hm I don’t really know. There is definitely something between us but I have this weird feeling that something is holding him back. As for Liam, we just started hanging out after all. I don’t know him. He’s still a mystery.

So Lee is against it and Sam is for it, great. This helps a lot.

Maybe all that Joey needs from me is just friendship after all. There was no need for all this worrying then. A coldness that emanated from a small portion of my chest spread all over my body and I felt myself shivering in spite of the warm weather.

I stopped, looked up and saw the sky turn from a fiery red to a dark blue. This day was almost over. I decided then that I will have to talk to Joey tomorrow. But as of yet, I can remain mad at him. Or maybe not him personally but the idea of him, of what he did to me.

I continued walking. I was still lost in my own thoughts so it was a while before I noticed this black car with tinted windows following me. When I stopped, the car stopped too. As I moved, I felt the car moving and when I looked back, the car halted. I was suddenly gripped by this fear that the driver was a kidnapper or maybe a serial killer but then I remembered where I was and how boring this city is. The fear was replaced by another one, what if the driver was Joey?

A moment of indecision but it only lasted for a few minutes. I braced myself and approached the car. I knocked on the driver side window.

As the window slid, I first saw short spiky black hair. Then this familiar black eyes with long lashes. Finally, lips that were fixed on an embarrassed, almost shy smile. My fear suddenly vanished and I felt myself smiling too.

“Liam?” I said, more as an accusation rather than a question.

“Hey, Danny.” He said, still smiling shyly.

“That’s all you’re gonna say after giving me quite a scare? I was actually thinking of running away but figured that I can’t possibly be faster than a car.”

“Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you. You were walking alone.” He said as if that explains everything.

“So what you’re trying to say is you’re making sure that I make it back to the dorm safe?” I asked. I couldn’t tell for sure whether he was blushing because of his golden brown skin but he turned his head a bit away from me and I saw that his ears were a little red.

“So you’re gonna ask me inside or you’ll follow me until I make it back?”

“Get in.” A man of few words, definitely.

I sat myself in the passenger seat and put on the seatbelt. I waited for the car to move but had to look at Liam when we didn’t after a couple of minutes. I caught him looking at me. I smiled. He turned to face the front and started the car.

We rode in silence. I didn’t mind though. The silence didn’t feel awkward. Somehow it felt... right. I would sometimes look at Liam and I could feel Liam looking at me from time to time. Once or twice, our eyes met. We would then both smile and casually look away. I noticed right away that we were not on our way back to the dorm but I didn’t say anything. I didn’t really care where we’re going. Although it was hard to explain, I was enjoying being alone with this quiet, mysterious guy.

Suddenly, we were in a drive-thru. That’s when I realized that I was actually hungry.

“What would you have?” He asked.

“Double cheeseburger, large fries and large Pepsi, please.” I said without even hesitating.

Liam repeated my order to the attendant. He ordered jumbo burger with large onion rings and large Pepsi for himself. Then he finished the order with two chocolate sundaes. In about five minutes, our order was completed and we were on our way. Where to? I still had no idea.

The road we were traveling was taking us up a mountain. I had only been here once although I lived in the area all my life. Cars seldom use this road because it doesn’t really lead to anywhere. You just basically go up the mountain and when you’re at the top, that’s it. But the view is great. You can see the entire city. I was surprised that Liam brought me here though. Due to its seclusion, this area was popular for people who wanted to be alone, mainly lovers.

“Interesting choice of setting.” I commented. “I am more and more convinced that this is a date.”

Liam just looked away again. That’s when I decided that he’s actually shy.

“Sorry.” He said. “I usually come here when I want to be alone. This is the best place to think.”

I looked around me, especially at the dotted lights which is the city from afar. Liam was right, I could just picture myself looking at that view and let my thoughts take its course.

“You’re right. This view is perfect, it’s so calming.” I said.

I was surprised to see that Liam was smiling, almost laughing.

“What’s wrong?” I asked.

Liam didn’t say anything. He was still smiling though. But his finger pointed up. Naturally, I looked up. I caught my breathe at what I saw.

“I’ve never seen so many stars before.” I said dreamily.

“We’re so far away from the city that there are no bright lights to overshadow all of these.” He said as he waved his hand at the sky.

“Have you ever seen anything so beautiful?” I asked.

He didn’t say anything. The silence stretched for so long that I had to look at him to check whether he was still there. I saw him looking at me, his eyes shining brightly.

“What’s wrong?” I asked.

“Nothing.” He said. “I was just... admiring nature’s beauty.”

I felt my cheeks go warm. I was staring at the sky but I felt Liam’s gaze on me still which only made me blush more.

“Let’s eat before the burgers and fries grow cold.” I said since I can’t think of anything else to say.

Not surprisingly, we ate in silence. I watched Liam. I never realized how reserved and introverted he is. He would take a small bite of his burger or bite into a piece of fries and then fix his gaze to a place far away and he would stay in that way for a few minutes, as if in deep thought. That’s when I had this feeling that he wanted to tell me something.

We were sitting in the hood of Liam’s car as we ate. After we finished eating, Liam just laid on his back. I felt awkward sitting and my neck was starting to ache a bit when I look up so I decided to lay down too. Due to the width of the car, our shoulders and most of our arms were touching.

I wonder how he and Lee get along. Lee is very much an extrovert. I can’t just picture Lee doing this with him. Lee probably did all the talking when they’re together.

“Tell me about you.” I said.

“There’s nothing much to tell.” Was his answer.

“Anything at all?” I said. “I was thinking about you earlier today. Well not you particularly but you were part of it. It made me realize though that after our first hang out, I still don’t know you. All I know really is that you’re serious, quiet and... shy.”

It was long before he answer.

“You ask anything you want and I’ll try to answer as best I could.”

“You have a girlfriend?” I started.

“No.” Brief and to the point.

“Had any girlfriend?” I continued.

“No.”

“Liar.” I said.

“What?” He asked, obviously confused.

“Lee talks about you, you know. I know for a fact that you’ve been out on a date.”

“So? It’s only a date. That doesn’t mean I’m in a relationship with any of them. Anyway, those girls were Lee’s friends. He’s... very much concerned about my social life.”

“Tell me about it.” I said.

“What do you mean?”

“Well Lee has been on my case too. He actually said in front of my face that it’s not healthy that I have never been on a date before.” I said as I shook my head.

“Oh.” Was Liam’s reply.

“Do you hate gays?” I asked.

“No.” He whispered.

“Care to explain what happened to that guy Peter then?” Peter was this guy in high school whom everyone knows to be gay and was rumored to have been beaten close to death by Liam.

“It was nothing. It was a mistake.” There was hint of anger in his voice but there was also a bit of sadness.

“Can you tell me more than that? If we’re gonna be friends, I need to be able to trust you. You see, I’m gay.” I said.

He sighed.

“I already told you it was a mistake. Peter and I... were close. I thought he was my... friend but it turns out he just used me to out me to the whole school so he can be popular.” He said, his voice rising a bit.

It was a while before his words sunk in but when it did, I suddenly felt sorry for him. He must have liked Peter a lot. At least all that Joey did to me was to let go of me. Liam, on the other hand, was betrayed by his friend.

“I’m sorry for what happened.” I said. “But still, you must learn to control your anger.”

“He told my parents and they disowned me.” His voice cracked.

Oh, shit! I should really stop judging him.

“After that,” he continued, “my grandparents took me. But that’s when I started drinking, partying and even drugs. I did a lot of silly things back then. Your brother helped me through those times a lot.”

“I never knew. To think that we went through the same thing, broken by the people whom we loved.” I said.

I just looked at Liam then. He was already looking at me. Our eyes met and there was this pull, I was being pulled towards him and he was being pulled towards me. Our lips were inches away from each other.

But then I had to close my eyes. That’s when my phone started ringing. The magic was broken. Liam was suddenly shy again and he turned away from me. I was about to reach out for him but my phone won’t stop ringing. I answered it.

“Hello?” I said. It was Cedric.

“Calm down Ced. I’m with Liam, Lee’s friend.” He sounded really worried about me.

“Ok, ok, we’re on our way back. I’m sorry for making you worry.” I apologized then hang up.

“Sorry about that. That was Cedric, my roommate. He was just worried about me.” I said to Liam.

“Oh.” Was his only reply.

“Can we go back now?” I asked.

“Sure.”

“I really had a good time, Liam. Thank you.” I said, hoping he would get my meaning somehow.

He just shrugged.