Not A Kiss - 9. Chapter 9

Joey and I both looked at the tree. I’m not sure about Joey but I felt like the tree was welcoming us. It’d been five years but somehow it recognized us. I knew I was being sentimental, but I couldn't help feeling so insignificant. And yet, even though I had no control over this situation, it mattered that I was a part of it. It was a bit overwhelming.

A strong urge to look at Joey overcame me. My gaze shifted to him. He peeled his eyes off the tree, turning until he looked at me too. We gazed into each other’s eyes and there was the connection I’d missed when we made eye contact back in his car. I noticed how beautiful Joey was, the way his hair ruffled in the light breeze, the beginnings of a smile cornering his lips. It was as if seeing him for the first time. My breath caught. I was a hopeless romantic so I couldn’t help thinking maybe this was a sign--I was supposed to be with Joey.

We stood there, Joey and I, looking at each other with the tree towering above us. Right at that moment, it would be so easy just to forget about the past five years, wrap my arms around Joey and finally kiss him. But in the back of my mind, a very small voice whispered: if it’s so easy, why am I hesitating? Heaven knew I’d dreamt about this moment, the moment Joey would come back into my life. If only he hadn’t waited so long.

I broke the eye contact. I knew that the longer I gazed at him, the more difficult it would be not to give in to my feelings. If I can have any sort of relationship with Joey again, I needed to understand what happened. I needed to get to know the Joey I missed for five years.

“Dan?”

His voice has changed. It was deeper but still a bit melodious, as if he was reciting a sonnet.

“Why did you come back?” I had my back to him so I couldn’t see his expression but in my mind, I pictured him wearing a small frown as if the answer to my question was already obvious.

“I came back for you. Remember, underneath this tree all those years ago, I told you about my plan? That I would ask you to be mine when we’re older?” There was a hint of desperation and frustration in his voice. I bet he was thinking why I was being difficult. Oh it would be so damn easy just to give in.

“I think you’re a bit too late.” I tried to say it as casual as possible but I knew it still hurt. My heart wanted to explode.

“Look at me,” he said.

I turned and faced him. I was ready or at least I readied myself to feel all of these emotions as I peered into his eyes. What I didn’t expect to see were tears. Joey was crying.

I didn’t say anything. From the expression on his face, Joey tried very hard to control his tears but they came nonetheless. I bet he thought that I was heartless for not feeling anything as his tears flowed. My face was a mask because deep inside I was hurting. I wanted to make his pain go away.

“It’s Cedric, isn’t it?” He wiped his tears with the back of his hand.

“Ced is my roommate although there’s more to him than that. He’s the only guy I’ve been close with after you.”

He gazed into my eyes as if trying to find the sincerity in what I just told him. He must have been surprised at what he found because he stepped back a bit.

“What do you really expect, Joey? You can’t just come back here and expect everything would magically be ok. Five years is a long time. I’ve changed just as much as you’ve changed.”

“I’m still me,” he said and I couldn’t explain it but I was suddenly looking at the Joey of five years ago. I sighed.

“Do you have any idea how hard it was for me when you left? I had nightmares about you.” I felt tears rimming my eyes but I didn’t do anything to stop them. I just let them flow.

“Dan, I’m sorry, there was nothing I could do about it.”

“Is that what you say to yourself?” I felt five years worth of anger building up from the inside and waiting to come out. “I was willing to wait for you but you were the one who decided to end this five years ago. What right do you have to come back then?”

I looked at Joey and noticed his tears had stopped. He was looking at me, stunned.

“Dan, I--”

“I waited for you even though you said we were over but just when I decided to stop waiting you had to come back.”

We stood a few feet away from each other looking into each other’s eyes. But unlike before, we both felt like we hardly knew the person standing before us.

How long we looked at each other, I had no idea but I was surprised when I realized I wasn’t crying anymore. We came to the point when we felt the more we said to each other, the more we hurt the other person as well as ourselves. So we stood silently watching each other. After a while, dusk turned into night.

“What can I do to fix this?” he asked with desperation in his voice.

“I don’t know. I really don’t know.” The truth was, I’d pondered the question inside my head over and over but the solution eluded me.

Joey took a step towards me, then another and another until he was mere inches away from me. We looked deep into each other’s eyes. Joey didn’t ask any questions, he didn’t have to, because his eyes said it all. I found myself nodding, giving him permission. He moved closer to me, wrapped his arms around my shoulders and hugged me. I hugged him back and we clung to each other as if we didn’t want to let go. When we finally did, we were both crying again.

We walked silently, with Joey in the lead, back to his car. Joey’s shoulders seemed broader which was not surprising because I haven’t seen him for five years. He was not muscular like Lee, Liam or Cedric but he didn’t have an ounce of fat in his body just like me. He looked my height as well.

When we arrived at the car, we didn’t get in right away. We just stood there lost in our thoughts. After a while, I spoke. “How many relationships have you had?” Somehow I knew he had relationships in the past. Perhaps I saw it while looking into his eyes.

“I had a girlfriend and two boyfriends.”

“Not at the same time, I hope,” I said before I could stop myself.

He just looked at me, the humor in my statement obviously lost.

“I’m sorry. I just wanted to lighten the moment.”

“Would it have mattered if I kissed you back then?”

The question took me by surprise. I examined my emotions, weighing this and that. The answer took me by surprise as well.

“No,” I said. If he had kissed me, I knew I would also have been haunted by that dream. Only, the feel of his lips against mine would be more vivid.

“Would it have mattered if I stayed?”

I didn’t answer, just looked at him. His shoulders trembled a bit but no tears flowed down his face. I knew he was trying his hard not to cry. I wanted to comfort him but knew I couldn’t really give him what he wanted. I couldn’t turn back time.

Joey got in the car first and I followed but not before I looked where the maple tree was. Due to the distance, I could only see its top half. I used to be afraid of that tree but now I felt like it was my friend. Just as Joey started the engine, another wind blew and the tree’s branches were swaying again, waving us goodbye.

“Where are you staying?” I asked after a few minutes of driving.

“My Mom and I moved back here,” he said with a little bit of regret in his voice. “She found a job nearby and of course I pushed her to accept it when she told me about the job offer.”

“Did Lee hurt you?”

“Not so much. Your brother’s friend held him back. I forgot the name but I knew him back then. If not for him, I would probably have more than a black eye.”
I looked at him and noticed the almost healed black eye. So that was why he wasn’t at school for a few days.

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s not your fault, Dan. I don’t even blame your brother. I deserved it. You have no idea how much I blame myself for this.”

Not for the first time, I couldn’t think of anything to say to him.

“Oh, can you drop me off to the dorm first?” I asked when I noticed that we were on our way to my parent’s home.

“Sure, I just assumed you were going to spend the weekend at home.”

“I am but I invited Ced to come along. His Dad’s on a business trip so he was planning on spending the weekend at the dorm. I couldn’t let him do that.” I didn’t know why I found it necessary to explain myself to Joey.

“Is Ced...” He kept the question hanging.

“I’m not sure. I think we’re friends for now,” I said with all honesty.

We drove in silence all the way to the dorm parking lot. I didn’t get out of the car immediately. We both just sat there listening to each other breathe.

“Dan, I--”

“If we’re gonna go for it, Joey,” I said, cutting him off, “I think the first step would be for us to try to be friends again.”

He stared at me open mouthed. I couldn’t help but grin.

“Does this mean you’re giving me a chance?” he said with a little bit of hope.

“It’s a start. We’ve been friends for a very long time and I really miss not having you as a friend. We’ll talk about the other thing when we’re both ready,” I said matter-of-factly. Then sighed, and added, “The truth is, Joey, I don’t know you anymore.”

“You keep on saying that,” he said slightly annoyed.

“Well it’s true whether you agree or not. I mean, you had a girlfriend? The two boyfriends I understand, but not that.”

“It’s a long story.”

“Five years is a very long time, Joey. We’ll get reacquainted but not today. I need some time to process all these things first,” I confessed.

I stepped out of the car and was surprised that Joey followed.

“Dan, I want so much to touch you, feel you and kiss you.”

“I think I feel the same way.”

He looked at me with hope in his eyes but I shook my head. His face changed from hopeful to crestfallen.

Smiling weakly, he got back inside the car. He started the engine and waved. I waved back, as I watched him drive away, tears flowing down my face.