Black Sheep Part 1 - 16. Chapter 16

“I'm sorry, I really have to leave now. I'll call you tomorrow okay?” I kiss Vic tenderly, surprise strikes me as I feel his lower lip trembling slightly and I deepen the kiss before I pull him into a hug.

“Please, don't leave. Please, stay for just a bit longer. Just until I fall asleep?” Vic whispers snuggling to my side. I feel bad for leaving him like this but I know I'll get in trouble with my parents if I don't leave now.

“It's just for the weekend, babe, you'll be fine.” I fondly kiss the top of his head as I keep him close to me. “I'll call you as soon as I can okay?”

His voice is rough as he pushes me away. “Then leave. Just leave and let me be.”

“Whoa, don't be mad. This weekend means a lot to my parents and I really need to go.” I pull him close for the last time before I kiss him and whisper “I'll call you as soon as possible. You'll be okay. Sweet dreams my love.” I pull the blanket tight around him and sit next to him for a few more seconds to be sure he is comfortable.

I stand up and turn around, just as I'm closing the door behind me Vic whispers “I love you.”

I turn back with an “I love you too.” As I softly close the door I catch a glimpse of Vic snuggling the spot where I've been sitting all afternoon, it breaks my heart to see him weak like this.

I look out the window, shades of darkness pass us by as we drive along the highway and I think back on what has been happening this past week. I thought that after that little episode last Saturday Vic would get a bit better, a bit brighter, or at least a bit less dark. But his eyes have only gone darker, his mind so scattered that every little sound scares him and every moment we have alone he clings to me for comfort.

“Are you okay?” My sister wakes me from my pondering.

“Yeah, I guess. I'd die for a smoke right now though.” I rub my face with the back of my hands trying to get my mind off of everything. My sister moves away for a bit and suddenly there is a pack of cigarettes on my knee, I recognize the brand as the one my brother smokes. I turn around to thank him but he's fast asleep, his mouth hanging open and soft snoring sounds reach my ears.

“Take them, he won't mind.” My sister smiles.

I put the pack in the inner pocket of my jacket so my parents won't see it. I sigh, yet another secret I have to keep from them.

Fuck! Fuck fuck fuck! I check my phone again before I throw it on the bed. No connection! No friggin' connection! Bad timing all over today. I look at the clock, eleven thirty, he wouldn't have been awake anyway I guess. I look at the pack of cigs on my bag. I shouldn't, I know I shouldn't, but right now I don't care.

My brother walks in as I pick up the pack, he takes one look at me and grabs his jacket with a brisk “Lets go for a walk.” I walk after him out of the old hotel our family has rented for the weekend into the forest behind it. The wind bites my cheeks and the rustling of branches sound like in a horror movie.

A couple of metres into the forest he stops and turns to me. “What is going on with Vic? You've been upset all week.”

“How? Why do you think that?” I fumble with the pack of smokes, my hands so cold I can barely keep my grip on it. After a while my brother sighs and takes it from me. He easily opens the pack, lights a cigarette and gives it to me. I put it between my lips and slowly take the first drag. My mouth fills with warmth, my throat itches of the smoke that is passing it and my lungs expand with ease. As I exhale my worries no longer seem that big, the world no longer that bad and everything seems warm and calm. I inhale for the second time.

“Have you fucked him yet?”

I choke on the smoke, when I finally seem to pull myself together I squeak out a small “What?!”

“You are together aren't you? It finally seems that way.” He lights his own cigarette as he smiles and winks.

“What?! Steve!” I look at him incredulously, my heart thumping in my throat, my mouth dry. “Why do you think that?”

“I've been fucking guys, I know the looks and I know the signs.” He drags in his cig with a big grin like he didn't just threw me a huge bomb.

“What?!” I realize I keep repeating myself, so I take another drag and decide on “who is it?”

“My teachers son. He's amazing...” He closes his eyes and lets out a soft moan.

“Ewww, that bulky guy with the ash blond hair? Ewwww!”

He smiles mischievously but then gets serious. “So, what is going on with Vic? He seems pale lately.”

I sigh, hanging my head down as I'm finally able to talk to someone about the fear that has been hiding inside me for the past weeks. “He's not been well. He's been ill more often and just seems so lost. I'm so scared something will happen to him.”

“Do you know why he is ill?”

“Some bad stuff happened, that is as much as I know. Vic is scared of me, he feels like he needs to hold on to me as not to run away. But I see the pain in his eyes, he is trying so hard to not hurt me in any way that he is no longer taking care of himself.” I lean back against a tree sighing as I take another couple of drags of my cigarette before I say more. “He is bringing himself so much pain, why would he? Why won't he just care about himself?”

“Maybe he just doesn't know how to. Anyway, I'm going inside, finish that cancer stick and care enough about yourself to come inside too.” He grins at me as he walks away.

I take another drag as I ponder about that, how could someone not know how to care about themselves?