Black Sheep Part 1 - 19. Chapter 19

I've barely slept and my head hurts from all the crying. I open the backdoor and step inside, finding the house eerily quiet for a Tuesday morning. The dinner table is still covered in breakfast supplies but no-one is to be seen. The sound of footsteps upstairs startle me and I open the door to the living room. Adam is sitting on the couch, his eyes staring into nothingness, his fingers slowly playing with something that looks like a small piece of paper. I walk up to him but he doesn't seem to react to my presence. I kneel in front of him, realizing the piece of paper is an old photograph of Vic, and cover his hands with mine. Only then he recognizes I'm there and tears start flowing down his cheeks.

“I'm so sorry,” he whispers. “I'm so sorry.”

Before I can ask what he means Anne comes into the room. When she sees me her brow furrows, as if she is thinking about something difficult, but then she relaxes and says “Can you get him something to eat and drink, he hasn't had any breakfast yet. Vic is in bad shape, he's at the hospital. I'm getting Chis and Kevin to their grandma's so they won't be disturbed by it too much. Will you take care of him 'till I'm back?”

I nod, trying to take in all the information and apparently that is all she needs to know as she turns around and closes the door behind her. What happened to Vic? Did he have an attack? How bad is it? Well I guess she'll tell when she's back. I look at Adam who is still crying, leaning into my shoulder as if I'm the only thing keeping him from falling apart. I wrap my arms around him, slowly lifting him up and guiding him to the kitchen. I sit him in a chair and start making a big pot of tea.

“He tried to commit suicide.” I drop the cutlery I'm washing into the sink and abruptly turn around.

“He what?” I choke on the words, bile rising in my throat.

“He tried to commit suicide. That is why he's in the hospital.” Adam looks up at me, eyes dull, voice broken.

“But, but -” I grip the counter hard. “Why?”

“We don't know, but we have some ideas.” He reaches out to me but I slap his hand away.

“Don't. Why didn't you tell me this before? Why did you let me believe it had to do with his attacks?” Tears well up and my stomach churns, I swallow hard, willing my stomach to keep calm.

“It has nothing to do with not telling. I... I wasn't ready for this. No one is ever ready to admit that the one you love tried to take his life. Fuck!” He balls his fists and small wet spots appear on the table.

I immediately feel bad. I totally forgot about him, I totally forgot that maybe Adam is in just as much pain, that maybe he really needs someone that understands what he might be going through.

“I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.” I wrap my arms around him, pulling him close as he shivers and cries. I simply hold him no longer fighting my own tears.

Vic is lying on the bed, his face as pale as the sheets that cover him. He is connected to a dozen of machines that all monitor other parts of his body. He looks so small, so vulnerable, my heart aches as I look at him. He slowly opens his eyes as we walk into the room.

“Fuck.” he quietly curses before he turns his head away from us.

“Vic.” Adams voice is unsure but firm. “You need to tell him.”

“Get out.” I see him shrink as he pushes out the words. “Get out.”

“He won't. I will. And I expect he knows everything when he gets out of here too.” Adam turns around to leave me there. I grab his arm and turn him back.

“Are you crazy? I told him he could tell me when he was ready. You shouldn't push him like this, not when he is in a place like this.” I feel desperate as I look into Adams broken eyes.

“It's the only way I can make sure that one day you may find peace in each other. You're going to need it.” I let go of him and he leaves the room. I look back at Vic who now has fully turned away from me.

I sit myself at the side of his bed, my head in my hands, my only way out, a talk with Vic I might not want.

“Can you help me up?” Vic whispers, his voice hoarse. He waves a white tubed arm at me and I softly grab and hold it. “Help me up, it's not like I can break any second.” His face distorts, almost like talking hurts. Why would Adam do something so cruel? Was this Adams way of taking revenge on Vic?

“Why?” The questions that have been bothering me since yesterday can somehow be summed up in this simple word.

“Because I love you too much. Because I'll never be good enough for you. What do you want to hear? A solution? There is none.”

“I love you. I don't care about good enough or whatever shit you might want to throw at me. I don't care. Why can't you see that? Fuck.” My voice cracks. “I love you.”

“Love makes people do stupid stuff.” His voice changes at the end of the sentence, it lingers a bit, like somehow he found the words for what he needs to tell. I sit on the side of his bed, my hand on his hand, my eyes focussed on his lips. Waiting for the words to come.