Man In Motion - 7. The Silent Duck

June 7, 1985

New Haven, CT

It would have really sucked to have my graduation on the same day as Robbie and Ace’s, but I was due for a streak of luck, and I got it. My graduation was on the 7th, while Ace and Robbie both graduated on the 8th. So today I was running around like a demon, trying to get everything organized. The ceremony started at 4pm, which meant it would end around 7pm or so. I’d rented out my favorite little Italian restaurant, the whole thing, for my “party.” They had been so funny when I’d set that up, arguing with me about how much business they would lose. But when I’d argued back in Italian, and offered them a shitload of money, they’d finally shut up and agreed.

Stef's plane would be pretty full. Stef and Greg, JP and Roger, Isidore and Frank, Claire and Jack, Tonto, Lark and Grandmaman were all flying in for our graduations. Grandmaman was JP's mother, a woman of unquestionable taste and etiquette. I felt so sorry for her. Her husband, my grandfather, whom we’d called “Grand”, had died just last year, but she'd lived in Claremont, Ohio, our family hometown, for years now, and had lots of friends to keep her company. My brother, Nick, along with my uncle Jim and his wife, were supposed to be there too, but they’d come up with lame excuses at the last minute. In addition to my large family, Mouse was flying in from New Orleans. He should arrive around noon. And of course Robbie and Ace would be here. Bianca was invited too, but Neil was not.

This would be really stressful for Ace, because I had to make all the arrangements in New Haven, but he had to handle things in Princeton. He had Robbie to help him, but I was much more organized. I’d booked a block of rooms at the best hotel I could find, but it still wasn't very nice. Oh well, I thought, everyone would just have to deal with it.

First to arrive was Mouse. I hadn't seen him since Christmas, but he'd changed quite a bit since then. He had his hair cut in a mohawk, and it was multi-colored, and he had some pretty wicked piercings.

“Hey Mouse, what the fuck happened to you?” I asked, hugging and teasing him at the same time.

“I'm being my own person,” he said with a smirk. His nickname was Mouse because he was short and pretty scrawny, but he was also cute in an adorable kind of way and had killer pale green eyes. We were really good friends and shared a common interest: art. He was a sculptor, while I was a painter. We’d shared a studio at Escorial, and sometimes even used it for extracurricular activities.

“You pierce anything I can't see?” I asked.

“You'll just have to wait to find out.” Mouse had one of the sweetest asses around. If I didn't have both Robbie and Max here, he'd be tempting. I introduced him to Max and that raised his eyebrows. Poor Mouse. Max was a bottom just like he was.

“So you're going to Columbia next year?” I asked.

“Well, sort of. I'm actually going to spend a year at the Sorbonne. I've wanted to go back there since your birthday trip, and Columbia has an exchange program.” Mouse in Paris!

“That is fucking awesome. Robbie and I were thinking about doing the same thing!” I saw Max cringe a little bit and felt guilty, once again, for hurting him.

“No way! That would be awesome. You'd have to help me with my French though.”

“Speaking or kissing?” I teased.

“Yes,” he said, grinning his cute little grin.

We hung out and had a blast until about 2pm when Ace, Bianca, and Robbie showed up. Robbie and I had talked on the phone a lot, but hadn't seen each other for a month. We socialized with everyone but it was strained. He seemed nervous.

I pulled him into my bedroom. “Hey, how are you doing?”

“I'm OK,” he said sadly. “So much to do and this isn't easy.”

“No, it isn't. Look, I've fought long and hard for you, and you know I love you, but I'm not going to beg. You said you wanted to be with me, so cool, we'll be together. If you don't, I'm done begging. Especially when I'm in competition with that,” I said with as much disdain as possible. I was done fighting with Neil. This was decision time.

“It's not like that, Brad. I love you. I'm not having second thoughts. I just said it's hard to do. He's begging me to spend the night with him tonight, one last time.”

“Not happening,” I said firmly. He nodded. What was this hold Neil had over him? Whatever it was, I was annoyed enough with him to head out and spend time with everyone else.

I had to head over to the graduation hall at 3:15pm, because apparently, even though we were all bright students, there was some fear that we wouldn't be able to line up correctly without some serious coaching. Ace, Robbie, Mouse, Max, and Bianca had all gone out to greet the plane and ride back with everyone. It had taken me an act of god to get enough tickets for the whole group. Well, that and a phone call from JP to one of the deans.

I got to the ceremony with my stupid robe and hat on and bullshitted with my classmates. It was weird to finally be done here, to graduate with my Bachelor's degree, but I was proud of myself. Just graduating was hard work, but I had a gold sash to advertise that I was graduating with honors, and that had required even harder work.

Now that I was at loose ends, my whole world seemed weird to me. I planned to leave for Palo Alto right after Ace and Robbie's graduation, but that was really painful, because it meant giving up Max. I was in love with him, I knew that now. But I was in love with Robbie too, and if I had to choose, which I did, I had to go with Robbie. These were rocky times, but we were meant to be together, or at least that was my hope. Max was sticking around for a week or two and then heading home. Lark was going to be here, and he'd volunteered to drive back with Max. That had really freaked me out, but I really was in no position to complain. Besides, Lark was a good friend to me, and he'd be a good friend to Max.

They shuffled us through the process in alphabetical order, to the strains of Walton's Crown Imperial, and I patiently waited my turn. Having a last name that begins with an “S” is a drag at these things. I walked up to the stage and heard my name called. It was like being in a fog. I heard the deafening cheers of my large family, shook hands with university officials and professors, some I knew and respected, some I just knew, and some I had no fucking clue who they were. Then I was done and went back and took my seat in the rows. I pondered how this was just like high school, four years earlier. Finally with all the diplomas awarded and all the speeches orated, the thing was over. I struggled through the crowds of people, looking frantically for my family, until I finally found them. They just enveloped me, giving me warm hugs and telling me how proud they were. It was such a good feeling.

“How are you doing?” JP asked me, sensing my mood.

“I'm confused. I feel like I'm in limbo.”

He gave me his reassuring smile, the one that told me he'd always be there for me. “That's normal. In a few days you'll feel more grounded.”

“Does everyone feel this way when they graduate? Totally at loose ends?”

“Most people. It's a big transition. Students graduating from college are starting careers, well most of them anyway, which is a huge change in their lives. Graduation from high school, at least from yours, mostly meant just going on to more school.” I nodded. Somehow knowing that I wasn't alone made me feel better. I introduced Max to everyone, but he hung out with Greg and Stef for most of the time. Three of my favorite people in one cluster, I thought with a smile.

The dinner was a blast, and everyone was suitably impressed by the restaurant. They really did a great job. When dinner was over, and everyone was hammered, we had the limos pick them up and drag them off to the hotel. It was an exhausting day when the four of us, Robbie and I, Max and Lark, finally made it back to the apartment.

Robbie and Lark headed off to bed, leaving Max and me alone for a little bit. “You need me to help get all this stuff shipped back?” Max asked.

“No. I'm leaving it here. You'll need it next semester.”

“What do you mean? I can't afford to live here!” He looked at me like I’d grown another head.

“It's a condo. There's no rent. I want you to stay here.”

He shook his head, determined not to accept charity. “No way. I'm not staying in your place for free.”

“Do this for me. Keep an eye on my stuff. Please?” He still hesitated. “For me?”

He smiled. “You fight dirty. Thanks, Brad. My father will thank you even more. You'll save him a fortune on rent.”

“If you didn't stay, I'd have to move my stuff out and spend a bunch of time worrying about selling it. You're making things easy for me.”

“I'll really miss you, you know that,” he said, a statement.

“I'll miss you too. More than you know. Looking back, I was like a drowning man, and you were my life raft.”

“That's what friends are for. And I know you're worried about me, but don't be, OK? I'll be fine. Having Lark here is helping me deal with losing you.” I could see the lie in his eyes about all of that, except the part about Lark.

“I'll always be your friend. You need anything, I'm a phone call away. But right now, I have to get to bed or I won't be worth shit tomorrow.” He gave me a kiss, a nice kiss, and then headed off to reconnect with Lark.

“He loves you,” Robbie said when I climbed into bed.

“I know. I love him too.” That bugged the shit out of him. Good. “But you're the one I want to be with.” That got me a smile.

I kissed him, and made love to him, and that seemed to change his whole mood, his whole outlook. It seemed to break the spell Neil put on him. But whatever Neil put up his ass sure was making him loose. Damn. I kind of missed Max's tight little butt.

June 8, 1985

New Haven, CT

Ace came by bright and early to whisk Robbie off. Probably gave him time to spend with Neil before the ceremony, I thought ruefully. I sighed and got up too, then drove over to the hotel to make sure that everyone was up and in the limos and off to catch the plane to Princeton. We stood there on the ramp, gathering everyone and their luggage together. The plane was going to be pretty packed. I saw Stef talking to Greg (who did not look happy), JP, and the pilots. Then he came sauntering over to me.

“I'm wondering if you would like some company for your drive.” he asked.

“Depends on who it is. You're not trying to pawn Tonto off on me, are you?” I teased.

He laughed. “No, me.”

“I'd love it, as long as you don't mind getting your hair messed up,” I said, pointing to the Porsche with the top down. It was a beautiful day. He just waved at Greg and headed for the car.

“Let us hurry and see if we can beat my plane.” I chuckled, fired up the Porsche, and hit the road. It was glorious to be driving the coolest car in the world down through New York, with the top down and Stefan for company.

“I have been thinking about your dilemma with Robbie. Do you still not know what it is this Neil does to him?”

I shook my head sadly. “He hasn't told me yet. Whatever it is, Neil uses it to really control him.”

“Would it be really unusual for Robbie to be in a situation where he let someone else dominate him sexually?”

“No. That's one of the things that spice up our sex life. Sometimes he likes to make love, but sometimes he likes me to just fuck his brains out. I used to worry about hurting him, but he really likes it. Not all of the time, but some of the time.” I saw Stef squirm in his seat as I talked about it. Talking about this was really firing him up. I stifled a chuckle.

“Then I think I may have an idea of what it is Neil is doing to him,” he said. I glanced at him briefly to tell him he had my full attention. “There is an activity called fisting.”

“Fisting? What the fuck is fisting?” I'd never heard of that. “Is that like boxing?”

“Fisting is where you insert your entire hand into your partner's ass, and then once there, you can make a fist, or do whatever, to stimulate the prostate.”

I thought about that and looked at my hands, then compared them to Stef’s. Mine were a lot bigger, and it made me wonder if my hand would even fit. Neil was skinny and small-boned. His hands were probably the perfect size, and that was probably why he was so good at it. “I don’t know if I can do that,” I said.

Stef saw me thinking. “Does the thought of doing that make you uncomfortable, like it was something you would not want to do?”

“No. I mean, it's not something I'd initiate. It's pretty fucking kinky. But it might be kind of cool to really be up there and be able to play with his prostate. He's sensitive. He can sometimes cum just through prostate stimulation.”

He smiled. “Well, that makes sense then. My experts tell me that it is an amazing experience for those with sensitive prostates. Even more intense than getting fucked.”

“But look at my hands Stef. Look how big they are. I'd never be able to do that with him. Neil was right. I'll never be able to satisfy him like Neil can.” I sounded morose and depressed.

“Nonsense. Where there is a will there is a way.”

“And who are these experts of yours?” I asked.

“Butch and Bronco, two leather S&M guys that I know. We exchange pointers from time to time.” I laughed at that. “There is more,” he said, getting my attention refocused. “Fisting is one of the most intimate things you can do with a partner. It requires trust, and teamwork. It is not a quick thing, it is a long process. The fister makes his hand into a beak shape, scrunching his fingers together. You will see, then, that the widest part is around the third knuckle. Oh, and you must remember to trim your fingernails.” Then he showed me his hand and how to do it and I imitated him. Like that, my hand didn't seem as huge. “The key, they tell me, is that if the rectum begins to clench shut, you must not remove your hand quickly or you can damage your partner. That gives the fister a lot of power and control over the fistee.”

“Do you think that's how Neil exerts his authority over Robbie?”

“Actually, there is yet another thing. Once the hand is in the ass, and it is clenched into a fist, it would be difficult to remove unless the fister wanted it to be removed. Now I have thought about this a lot. Too much probably, but it has made me really horny and has worn Greg out.”

“Did you ever try this?” I asked him.

“Well, I actually talked Greg into doing it to me. It was very painful, and I decided that I did not want to do it that badly, so we stopped.”

“What did Greg think when you told him you wanted him to stick his whole hand up your ass?” I asked, laughing.

“He thought I was nuts, but he is adventurous, so he went along with it.” He waited for the mood to get serious again. “Would you like me to tell you what I think has happened?”

“Yes,” I said.

“I think that this started out as an intimate, erotic, and intensely pleasurable thing between Robbie and Neil. And it worked for both of them. Robbie is versatile, so he could fuck Neil and get Neil off, while Neil could fist him and send him into orbit. If you imagine that, you can see why he'd be so devoted to the little bitch.” I nodded. It made sense. It also made me really sad.

“I think that at some point, possibly when Robbie cut off his money, possibly when he started seeing you again, the nature of their sessions changed. Instead of it being intimate and loving, it became a way that Neil could dominate Robbie. Butch told me that he had a partner like that once. He said that the guy would be all loving and nice going in, and then once he was in, he would make a fist and threaten Butch. He made Butch do all kinds of things beyond sex. He made Butch sever ties to his family, and give him money.”

“But once the guy's fist is out, the control is gone.” I couldn't see how the effect would still work after that.

“You do not understand the nature of abusive relationships. For Butch, he began to feel as if the fist was always there. He told me that it got so bad that he actually felt pain if he did something his boyfriend told him not to do.” He paused to let that sink in. That would explain so much. “I am not saying this is what is happening to Robbie; I am just hypothesizing.”

“I'm not sure if it's that intense, but it makes sense. He called me two weeks ago to cancel his trip to Connecticut. I could tell he was in the middle of doing something sexual. And I heard Neil in the background saying 'tell him bitch.' I told him to tell Neil to take out whatever it was he had in his ass.”

“Perhaps that is a good sign. That Neil had to actually be doing it to exert enough control over Robbie to get him to call you.”

I thought about it, only since Stef was with me, I thought out loud. “I don't know what to think about this, Stef. I mean, the fisting thing isn't my first choice, but if he wants to do it once in a while, I'll give it a try. But I wonder what this means for us. I have a big dick and it isn't enough for him?”

“It is beyond dick size, Brad. You are hung like a horse. It is now psychological. It is about control.”

“I feel sorry for him, Stef. This must really be ripping him up. He tells me he wants to be with me, but there's Neil, reeling him in with his fist. It's like Neil has a Robbie voodoo doll.”

“That is probably an apt analogy. He is going to be damaged after this. I have been with damaged men before. Roger is a good example. He was once twisted up like this and I tried to help him. I failed. But look at him now. He is happy, successful, and totally in love with JP. I will tell you this, though. I could not help him because he did not want to be helped. This is something Robbie will have to work on, and it must come from inside him.”

We paused in our conversation to give us both time to think, and to take in the beautiful buildings as we drove through Manhattan. “Do you think he is too damaged?”

“I do not know.” He read my mind again. “You are thinking of Max. You love him too. You are wondering if you are not better off with him.”

“That sounds really selfish,” I said. “I love Robbie; I should be there for him. Just like you told Greg before we got the results of our AIDS tests.”

“I will offer you my advice, and you can take it for what it is worth. I think that you should spend time with Robbie. Lots of time. Watch him, but do not smother him. Max will not be home for a while. Give Robbie time to cut himself off from Neil. If he cannot, or if he tries to find someone else to fill that role, then you will know that you must move on.”

“Well, I'll certainly have lots of time to think about this. I'm driving back by myself.” He looked concerned. He was hiding something. “What?”

“JP and I have talked about this, just as you and I have, and he has had a conversation with Frank. They are going to make sure that Robbie gets away from Neil, with or without your help.”

“How will they do that?”

Stef sighed. “I have learned that it is best not to look too deeply into your father's actions when it comes to protecting his family.”

“Like what happened with Jeff?” I asked. “Do you think JP knew that Sam was going to kill him?”

“I do not. In fact I am positive that he did not. There was another incident though.” He stopped talking, but there was no way I was going to let him off the hook after he raised the topic.

“Come on, Stef. You can't bring something like that up and just leave it there.”

He sat there quietly. He was thinking, and he was sad. “I had a boyfriend; his name was Deke. After we broke up, he moved back to LA and got his old job back, working for Peter Gordon as his houseboy. He and Peter had been fuck buddies before, and they resumed that relationship again. When Peter and I started dating, Peter dumped Deke. Deke kidnapped me, beat me up, and more or less raped me. And that really hurt, since he had a dick that was even bigger than yours. I asked your father to help me. A week later, Deke was dead from drowning.”

“You think JP had him killed?” I asked, incredulous.

“I should not have told you this. I did it to vent old traumas of my own and it was wrong.”

“No, Stef. It's OK. I won't hold it against him. If someone beat you up like that, I'd probably kill him too.” He smiled at me. “I'm just surprised. Mild-mannered professor turns assassin.”

He laughed. “He is not so mild-mannered, and he is no assassin. You must never tell him we talked about this,” he said nervously.

I held up my right thumb and he smiled. When I was young, Stef had pricked both of our fingers so they bled just a little bit, and smashed them together, making us blood brothers. He smiled and pressed his right thumb against mine. This was our own personal symbol, just between the two of us, that we shared a strict bond of confidentiality.

We got to the airport with me still flustered from our conversation. I needed time alone, time to think about this, but that wasn't happening. The plane got there ten minutes after we arrived.

“So Stef, I'm wondering if JP is not the only one who is a schemer. How did the plane make it here after we did?”

He just grinned and raised an eyebrow. “There must have been air traffic delays. This is a very busy air corridor, you know.” I laughed and gave him a big hug.

“Thanks, Stef. For everything. You're the best.” My eyes teared up and so did his.

“Nonsense. We look out for the ones we love.”

Ace and Bianca were there, greeting everyone and getting them into cars. Robbie was nowhere to be seen. Probably with Neil. I felt myself getting pissed off, but I remembered what Stef told me. I had to give Robbie the benefit of the doubt here. I had to think of him as the victim. It was the only way to avoid hating him.

Frank Hayes sauntered over to me, looking nervous. “You seen Robbie?” he asked.

“He's probably with Neil,” I said sadly. He put his arm around me, in a friendly, masculine way.

“Brad, he'll wise up. He's a smart kid. Think you can give me a ride over to his apartment?”

“Sure,” I said, and we zipped over to their place. Frank walked up the stairs. We could hear noises, people inside, but no one answered.

“Robbie?” Frank called, his voice booming. “Are you in there?” There was more talking, cries of alarm, pain, whatever, I didn't know.

“I have a key,” I said, smiling. I opened the door just in time to see Robbie come stumbling out of his bedroom wearing just his jeans. I could see Neil in the room, stark naked. Robbie turned back and saw him, and slammed the door.

“We need to have a talk,” Frank said firmly.

“Dad, I need to get ready,” Robbie whined.

“You weren't getting ready, so don't bullshit me. Brad, can I borrow your car?”

“Sure,” I said, tossing Frank the keys. He dragged Robbie out, shirtless and shoeless. It was just Neil and me in the apartment. I kicked open the door, scaring the shit out of him.

“Get the fuck out of here,” he said.

I punched him in the stomach as hard as I could. He doubled over in pain. It was a good punch. I pushed him back on the bed and punched him again. I had thought about this. I couldn't hit him where it would break a bone, but a couple of gut punches would be totally invisible. “You don't tell me what to do,” I said.

“I'm calling the police,” he cried. I just laughed. I couldn't help looking at his hand, all lubed up. It was small, much smaller than mine.

“Go ahead, asshole. Who are they gonna believe? Some naked fairy or me?” He reached for his clothes but I was faster. I pulled out his wallet and threw everything else the window. I looked inside it and he had three credit cards, all in Robbie's name.

“You fucking asshole,” he screamed.

“Your days of freeloading are over. You're out of here, for good.”

“You watch,” he said, narrowing his eyes. “Tomorrow Robbie will decide to stay here. He'll be here with me. You watch.”

“Maybe. Maybe I want a taste of what he's been eating,” I said, now with a leer on my face. I pushed him back into the bed and lay on top of him. “You offered once, Neil. You still up for it? How big of a dick can you handle?”

I saw his eyes brighten. “I can handle you,” he said, and reached down for my crotch.

“Let's see,” I said, and I moved down his body to his ass. It was hard not to appreciate how beautiful he was. I licked his balls, and made him moan, then worked my way down to his taint, and then his hole. I tongued him, swallowing back the bile in my throat. He loved it. Moaning.

“I knew you'd be great,” he said. “That feels so good. We could have had so much fun this semester.”

“We still can,” I said, gently sliding a finger in and feeling his prostate. He squirmed and pushed back into me.

“Fuck me. Fuck me hard. Show me how pissed you are,” he moaned. This guy was a pro at psychological manipulation. And it was tempting.

“I will, I will, but I have a big dick. You wanna see it?”

“Yeah. Show it to me.” I undid my pants and pulled out my hard cock. His eyes bulged, and he got a big smile. He was a size queen. “Oh yeah, fuck me with that thing,” he said.

“When you're ready,” I said, putting another finger in his ass.

“I'm ready, I'm ready,” he cried.

“Not yet,” I said, and then I put a third finger in. He threw his head back in ecstasy. His dick was leaking like a sieve. I leaned up and sucked on it while making my hand into a beak shape. Then I pushed into him.

“NOOOO!” He screamed. He finally figured out what I was doing. His ass clenched down tight.

“You want me to pull out?” I asked.

“Yes, no. Yes, but slowly.” He was a pro at this. I wasn't. I just pushed in farther. “NO. Stop! Hurts bad! Hurts!”

“Is this what you did to Robbie?” I asked.

“Yeah, but he likes it. Get out of my ass, you fucker!”

“I think you're gonna like it too,” I said, and pushed in more. I was just past my second knuckle. He was crying now, and in a lot of pain. I pulled out suddenly and he really shrieked. That must have hurt. “Gee, I hope you're OK,” I said.

He staggered to his feet then took a swing at me. He missed me, but even if he’d have hit me it was a pussy swing anyway. “I will get you for this. I will get even.” He staggered out of the apartment, stark naked, one hand holding his ass.

I washed my hands and relaxed on the couch, waiting for Robbie to get back. He came in looking very subdued, and had red eyes. “Where's Neil?” he asked cautiously.

“I tossed his clothes out the window and he took off after them. I found that works pretty well with him.” Robbie nodded.

“Dad took a cab to the campus. I'm hoping you can drive me. We need to talk,” he said.

“You don't have a lot of time. You've got to be at the ceremony in an hour.” I got up and kissed him lovingly. He looked at me, surprised.

“I thought you'd hate me. I thought we'd be over.”

“Then how come you're not more upset?” I teased.

“I am; I was. I…,” tears started filling his eyes. “I don't know what to say, Brad.”

“I think I understand. You can tell me about it later, though, OK? Right now we have to get you ready to graduate. And then you're out of here.” I walked him to his room and acted like his valet, getting everything laid out. Just before he put on his pants, I stopped him, and gave him one of my best blow jobs. The deluxe model, I thought to myself with a smile.

“Thanks,” Robbie said, and gave me a nice kiss.

“You’re welcome,” I said. His mood changed, and he tensed up.

“They want me to fly back with them tomorrow,” Robbie said sadly.

“I thought you were going to spend a week packing up?” I knew why they wanted him gone, but I figured I'd just play dumb.

“They want me to get away from Neil. They think he's a bad influence. They think he's got me under a spell or something.”

“Does he?” I asked.

“No. That's bullshit. I have feelings for him. Why can't anybody see that?” he said, almost yelling.

“If you love him, then you should stay here with him. If you love me, you should come home. It's time to decide.” He nodded. It was down to the wire, and he was having trouble breaking free.

“I need that week to pack up. I can't just leave and make Ace do all of it,” he said, trying to rationalize it.

“Ace won't mind. He won't mind at all,” I said calmly.

“He's done so much for me. I can't impose on him. I can't. I have to stay.” I nodded. “Then I'll meet up with you at Escorial next week, and we can start our lives together.”

I shook my head. “I won't be there.”

“Where are you going?” he asked.

“I don't know. But I won't be there for you in a week. I'm heading home tomorrow morning. If you want to stay, stay. But spend the night with me to say goodbye.” I felt the tears starting.

“No. That's not what I want,” he argued.

“It's not all about what you want. I have a say in this too. We're at the line. You have to decide. You can let me know tonight, when it's just you and me, OK? Right now, you have to go graduate and make us all proud.”

He gave me a big hug, a long hug. I felt his tears on my shirt. I hated crying, in others and in myself, but sometimes it was important. This was one of those times.