Have I made progress? I think I have.
I joined here in April a pretty sad case. Lonely, confused, hurt time and time over.
Have I made progress? I'd like to think so, yeah I guess so.
I joined here to read, to find something that sort of spelled out how I feel.
I'm big on feelings and emotions, and what the senses are.
How have I moved on? Well I write now, something I love to do,and want to carry on doing.
A lot of you know I didnt go to school, at all not even properly home schooled, in fact most of it is self-taught. So this was a huge learning curve for me and I know ive improved that way.
My past is pretty bad and painful too, physically and mentally. I thought I was screwed.
I didnt think I was worthy of friends, nevermind close ones. The fact is I hate me, ive always hated me and in a lot of ways I still do.
I'm told countless times I'm good looking and handsome and all the rest. I thank you all for that but do I believe it? I cant say I do.
People have said it before you see. Before GA, I was told I was loved and made plans for the future and it all fell round my feet.
It wasnt my fault? i'm trying to convince myself of that one, they just disappeared.
Thats why I dont trust too easy, thats why I dont believe whats told to me. The last thing they saw was a recent pic of me. The one you all see. And they vanished, which kind of confirmed what i'd been told my whole life.
Ive got so many issues and hang-ups, I cant say when i'll be ready for the outside world.
Take a second to listen what you hear now.Traffic? other people? everyday noise of life? of other people? I dont get that all I have is the sound of nature, the odd low flight from the base next door, and my own noise and my animals noises.
Ive never been in an elevator, or a shopping mall, or supermarket.
There is so much I havnt done. At 18 ive only recently learned kids games like hide and seek, thanks to Agaith for that one.
And now to the progress I think ive made.....
I write stories and verse, and Lughs prompts too. I cant write enough its an obsession now. I dont put everything here, some is too dark too painful.
Ive got closer to the colossal gate that is a forcefield of fear. Ive made a friend in Luke my farmhand and his wife Sue and his girls Moira and Ruth.
Ive recently had my first ever hug, its still awkward but i'm moving forward right? OK it was from a straight guy, but it was something. I'm gay i'm totally gay.
ive made so many friends close ones too and OMG I even skype now, thats huge to me.
I'm still not up to showing my face again yet, you might all disappear and that would be the end for me.
Irrational as that is, its still a logical outcome in my head.
GA is my second home, and you are all my family.
You all share so much with me, and I give so little back. That in itself makes me feel bad, like i'm cheating you all.
I have days when I still want to end it all, more often than I should.
Please dont pity me, These are my troubles, my bads I must sort out for myself.
I will end this now by telling each and everyone of you. I love you guys, thanks for putting up with me.
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