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Have I made progress? I think I have.

Mark92

Entry posted by Mark92

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I joined here in April a pretty sad case. Lonely, confused, hurt time and time over.

Have I made progress? I'd like to think so, yeah I guess so.

I joined here to read, to find something that sort of spelled out how I feel.

I'm big on feelings and emotions, and what the senses are.

How have I moved on? Well I write now, something I love to do,and want to carry on doing.

A lot of you know I didnt go to school, at all not even properly home schooled, in fact most of it is self-taught. So this was a huge learning curve for me and I know ive improved that way.

My past is pretty bad and painful too, physically and mentally. I thought I was screwed.

I didnt think I was worthy of friends, nevermind close ones. The fact is I hate me, ive always hated me and in a lot of ways I still do.

I'm told countless times I'm good looking and handsome and all the rest. I thank you all for that but do I believe it? I cant say I do.

People have said it before you see. Before GA, I was told I was loved and made plans for the future and it all fell round my feet.

It wasnt my fault? i'm trying to convince myself of that one, they just disappeared.

Thats why I dont trust too easy, thats why I dont believe whats told to me. The last thing they saw was a recent pic of me. The one you all see. And they vanished, which kind of confirmed what i'd been told my whole life.

Ive got so many issues and hang-ups, I cant say when i'll be ready for the outside world.

Take a second to listen what you hear now.Traffic? other people? everyday noise of life? of other people? I dont get that all I have is the sound of nature, the odd low flight from the base next door, and my own noise and my animals noises.

Ive never been in an elevator, or a shopping mall, or supermarket.

There is so much I havnt done. At 18 ive only recently learned kids games like hide and seek, thanks to Agaith for that one.

And now to the progress I think ive made.....

I write stories and verse, and Lughs prompts too. I cant write enough its an obsession now. I dont put everything here, some is too dark too painful.

Ive got closer to the colossal gate that is a forcefield of fear. Ive made a friend in Luke my farmhand and his wife Sue and his girls Moira and Ruth.

Ive recently had my first ever hug, its still awkward but i'm moving forward right? OK it was from a straight guy, but it was something. I'm gay i'm totally gay.

ive made so many friends close ones too and OMG I even skype now, thats huge to me.

I'm still not up to showing my face again yet, you might all disappear and that would be the end for me.

Irrational as that is, its still a logical outcome in my head.

GA is my second home, and you are all my family.

You all share so much with me, and I give so little back. That in itself makes me feel bad, like i'm cheating you all.

I have days when I still want to end it all, more often than I should.

Please dont pity me, These are my troubles, my bads I must sort out for myself.

I will end this now by telling each and everyone of you. I love you guys, :wub: thanks for putting up with me. :boy:

 

 

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Agaith

Agaith 713

Posted

We don't 'put up with you' we enjoy you being around. You are always great to have in chat and all of us love chatting to you.

We won't pity you but know that all of us are here to lend a shoulder to cry on and an ear to listen. They may be your troubles but don't think you have to keep them to yourself. A problem shared is a problem halved or something like that lol.

Don't feel bad, don't feel you have to always stand by yourself, people are here for you.

:hug:

  • Like 1
Nephylim

Nephylim 15,080

Posted

Pity yoy? Why the hell should I pity you? I haven't been though a fraction what you have and to go through all that and come out as strong as you don't beleive you are is something that should be admired and not pitied. What do you give us... your comanpy, your humour and your nicknames (and it hasn't escaped my attention that I haven't got one) You make us smile and look at the wrold in a slightly different way... somtimes slight is all that's needed.

 

You're an insufferable brat but I am very fond of you nonetheless :wub::wub:

  • Like 1
Frostina

Frostina 927

Posted

Pity you? put up with you? :huh:

I think you got your words mixed up darlin' ! 'Cause there's no way in the world those are the words I'd use for what i think of you. :)

Sweet, Naughty, Intelligent, quick, adorable, Loving, generous and a potty mouth... those are a few i would use! :P;)

 

You have NO idea how easily you bring a smile on people's faces! :D

Don't tell me you don't believe that! :huh: you're heard me giggle, right? ^_^ (btw, did u hear me stopping? :P )

 

The world hasn't been kind to you, yet... yes, oh-so true... BUT think about it... you're just 18, and and... I have a piggy bank now! :D i AM saving up for a trip! and when i do... there is NO way i am going to take a NO for an answer! uh, you know that right? :D

 

so...

(uh, i lost my train of thought! :huh::*) )

 

Just... I cant imagine GA without you.. really :) you're one of the reasons i keep coming back everyday! a part of what i consider 'Family'.

 

:wub: and :hug:^_^

  • Like 1
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Cia

Cia 59,541

Posted

  • Site Administrator

We all have issues and we all need people to turn to. I'm glad you've found that here. It takes time but you'll keep growing and changing and things will turn out. Not always okay but all you have to do is just keep trying. We'll be here to help you if you stumble, you know.

  • Like 1
Mark92

Mark92 1,347

Posted

Aaaaww thank you, all of you.

Right now I dont know wether to laugh or cry, tears of joy not sadness.

I have to keep going I know I do. and you lot give me the strength to do it.

When I say I love you all, I really mean it.

Many many thankyou's, to all of you. :wub::wub::D:boy: Marky xxxx

 

 

 

Stuby I know, You are like me there comes moments when nothing gets through. Thank you for being there xxx

 

Nephy, Thankyou I havn't forgotten a nic for you, but yours needs to be worthy of the awesome person you are :) Many thanks for you words.

 

 

Frosty, your my guardian angel of chat and everywhere else. Thankyou dearest girl xxxx

 

 

Cia I always want to hug you but dont want to be slapped LOL Thankyou. Once in a while I guess we al need reminding that we are cared for at vulnerable times . Thank you xxx

 

:wub::wub::wub::wub: One for each of you thank you xxxxxx

 

 

We don't 'put up with you' we enjoy you being around. You are always great to have in chat and all of us love chatting to you.

We won't pity you but know that all of us are here to lend a shoulder to cry on and an ear to listen. They may be your troubles but don't think you have to keep them to yourself. A problem shared is a problem halved or something like that lol.

Don't feel bad, don't feel you have to always stand by yourself, people are here for you.

:hug:

  • Like 1
paya

paya 470

Posted

Mark, anytime you need to overcome a low, we are here for you. Don't be shy. If you need somebody, you can always reach us (I'm not talking just about me, there are plenty of people that give out free e-hugs :P).

Moreover, there's this healing process, called GA meet, which has a lot of beneficial impacts on shy people, Stuart and Nephy could tell you. ;) They were scared but GA meets are magic. :wizard:

  • Like 1
carringtonrj

carringtonrj 231

Posted

You seem like an extraordinary person with so much going for you in spite of the hardships you've fought through. And look how many friends you have here who care deeply about you! Keep progressing would be my advice - it's all in front of you.

Mark92

Mark92 1,347

Posted

Thankyou Paya and Carrington, I'm doing my best :D

It isnt always easy, but who said life was? Thankyou guys :D:boy:

old bob

old bob 321

Posted

Mark, your blog and all the comments brought here are are a good illustration of the importance of GA and the reason why the Gay community is stronger thanks to the links we establish through our exchange.

When I discovered your blog, I was happy,

-that you could find such a nice way to express your feelings (You are a born writer :worship:),

-that so many people took the time to answer your concerns and brought you the help asked for.

 

I dont know if I can bring myself anything more, but I would be happy to become your friend.

You are really an extraordinary person....

Good luck for your future and take care of yourself

  • Like 1
Johnathan Colourfield

Johnathan Colourfield 546

Posted

Oh mark :hug:

You have been through so much and you have come so far. Everyone is so proud of you.

 

I'm surprised you built the confidence enough to be as open as you are with everyone :)

 

You are part of my extended family also :) I feel close to everyone i speak to here. Even Lugh :P

 

You are so emotional and are born to be you :) We can wait to see you :)

 

Remember the next step is a big one so don't be afraid of falling... Hell if i didn't "fall" i would never had met my partner :)

 

Just some food for thought :)

  • Like 1
AnytaSunday

AnytaSunday 1,032

Posted

:hug:

 

:hug:

 

:hug:

 

One day, I'm going to give you one for real. :)

 

Take care.

  • Like 1
Mark92

Mark92 1,347

Posted

:wub: A huge thankyou to all of you, and you are all my extended family, and I love you all. :wub: Marky :boy:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

You seem like an extraordinary person with so much going for you in spite of the hardships you've fought through. And look how many friends you have here who care deeply about you! Keep progressing would be my advice - it's all in front of you.

Bleu

Bleu 535

Posted

Mark, you are not the sum of your past hardships or of what life threw at you. You are what you have inside: warmth, generosity, attention to others... What we see through chat, that outgoing, loving person is what you can truly transform yourself into.

Confidence is a long way in coming... it only builds up slowly, but you will get there, especially with the help that love provides.

 

Believe in yourself :)

We believe in you.

  • Like 1
rustle

rustle 2,426

Posted

Marky, I'm with Nephy on this one. I'm not gonna pity you or cry over you.

 

If I could look you in the eye, I'd shake your hand for the man you are, hug the stuffing out of you for the hell of it, and tell you just how much I respect your journey. Truth to tell, you probably know some things we'd all be better to have experienced, no matter how sophisticated you may think us.

 

You ain't no bumpkin, pumpkin.:D

  • Like 1

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