Odd as it may seem, my transition doesn’t serve as a reference point for much in my life. The perspective from within, my internal dialogue, rarely follows the arc of “Back when you were living as a girl…now that you’re living as a guy.” This is largely because my internal dialogue didn’t change that much. The Me, the Self, the Identity, that I’ve lived with forever didn’t really alter. While I’ve made plenty of interesting discoveries during this journey, I can’t say an entirely new self-awareness arose.
Because I don’t think much of before and after in connection with my gender transition, I’m always surprised when I somehow stumble over it. In the last couple days, I’ve gotten my knees skinned.
Right now, I’m feeling pretty bummed out. People who know me know that I suffered a disappointing loss over the weekend, but they don’t realize how truly discouraged I feel. The don’t know because I haven’t told them, and the event that led to the disappointment would appear insignificant to most people. It is insignificant in the global scheme of things; I haven’t completely lost my perspective.
Nonetheless, I’m more disappointed, sadder, than people are aware. My internal state of mind is incongruent with what I’m presenting to the world. That. That incongruence exacerbates the distress, anger, sadness. The feelings are out of proportion to what actually happened and today I realized how rarely I feel this sort of incongruence. That’s something I lived with back when I was living as a girl, hiding the real me inside. Post transition, I simply don’t live with that sense of shoving something important to me way down deep so that other people aren’t bothered by it.
Thing is, everything that went wrong over the weekend really will work out over time. I know that. There’s nothing damaging about putting on a happy, content façade. I’ve simply been taken aback by the degree to which my current feelings remind me of how I felt living as a girl. I guess, on the bright side, it’s an indication that these days I am mostly living in a way that feels authentic.
In the meantime, it’s just a matter of waiting out the present situation and focusing on things in life I enjoy.