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Percy's Blog

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Before and After



Odd as it may seem, my transition doesn’t serve as a reference point for much in my life. The perspective from within, my internal dialogue, rarely follows the arc of “Back when you were living as a girl…now that you’re living as a guy.” This is largely because my internal dialogue didn’t change that much. The Me, the Self, the Identity, that I’ve lived with forever didn’t really alter. While I’ve made plenty of interesting discoveries during this journey, I can’t say an entirely new self-awareness arose.


Because I don’t think much of before and after in connection with my gender transition, I’m always surprised when I somehow stumble over it. In the last couple days, I’ve gotten my knees skinned.


Right now, I’m feeling pretty bummed out. People who know me know that I suffered a disappointing loss over the weekend, but they don’t realize how truly discouraged I feel. The don’t know because I haven’t told them, and the event that led to the disappointment would appear insignificant to most people. It is insignificant in the global scheme of things; I haven’t completely lost my perspective.


Nonetheless, I’m more disappointed, sadder, than people are aware. My internal state of mind is incongruent with what I’m presenting to the world. That. That incongruence exacerbates the distress, anger, sadness. The feelings are out of proportion to what actually happened and today I realized how rarely I feel this sort of incongruence. That’s something I lived with back when I was living as a girl, hiding the real me inside. Post transition, I simply don’t live with that sense of shoving something important to me way down deep so that other people aren’t bothered by it.


Thing is, everything that went wrong over the weekend really will work out over time. I know that. There’s nothing damaging about putting on a happy, content façade. I’ve simply been taken aback by the degree to which my current feelings remind me of how I felt living as a girl. I guess, on the bright side, it’s an indication that these days I am mostly living in a way that feels authentic.


In the meantime, it’s just a matter of waiting out the present situation and focusing on things in life I enjoy.

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Sometimes feeling is a little difficult to communicate across. I am also the type who doesn't really express my sadness I have inside. It's just awkward. It's a double whammy really: people think I don't care (or at least I think they don't believe I care); at the same time I feel guilty, though I know their presumption isn't true. If I try too hard to exhibit my sorrow when it doesn't come naturally, I think it would just look fake to people. I wonder if that's how you feel also. Just comparing notes.


Whatever the loss you endured, be strong. I love trees, because trees just stand there, and usually live longer than everything surrounds them. Sometimes we're those trees that survived. We cannot move away, and people don't see our demure, poignant feeling. Sure, our leaves shed and rejuvenate again with seasons, and our barks wrinkle with age. Whatever you lived through still will be chronicled in those tree rings. They'll bury deeper inside as time goes, and become relatively insignificant as you grow grander. Yeah, like you said at the end, it's a matter of waiting out of the situation....


Do you feel like a girl or a boy right now? (your own perception of gender) I am curious. Are you afraid of something? Is there certain part of you that is dying? (metaphorically speaking)


On the positive side, it'll be easier next time.... I know, it sounds weird.... I am weird....

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Sorry you're feeling so down about your weekend misadventures. May send you a message. :)

You always write so thoughtfully about yourself.

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Thanks Ashi – particularly for what you said about trees, a good way to think about all life’s experiences. While the disappointment feels a little out of proportion, I know it’s temporary and something that will eventually be folded into the whole of my life experience. The plus side is that it’s been a long time since I felt this way so overall that must mean my life is pretty good. Right now I feel like a boy (or man, given my age) but one who arrived at manhood via different route than most. Thanks for the thoughtful response.


rj – thanks and no need for undue concern here…just using the blog for some of my self-absorbed meanderings. :-)

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Self-absorption and self-reflection are two sides of a coin. ;)


I always say boy/girl for some reason, which of course means man/woman.


Anyways. Writing things out in blog is sometimes therapeutic. :) Just keep writing if you need more reflection. :hug:

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