Sometimes feeling is a little difficult to communicate across. I am also the type who doesn't really express my sadness I have inside. It's just awkward. It's a double whammy really: people think I don't care (or at least I think they don't believe I care); at the same time I feel guilty, though I know their presumption isn't true. If I try too hard to exhibit my sorrow when it doesn't come naturally, I think it would just look fake to people. I wonder if that's how you feel also. Just comparing notes.

Whatever the loss you endured, be strong. I love trees, because trees just stand there, and usually live longer than everything surrounds them. Sometimes we're those trees that survived. We cannot move away, and people don't see our demure, poignant feeling. Sure, our leaves shed and rejuvenate again with seasons, and our barks wrinkle with age. Whatever you lived through still will be chronicled in those tree rings. They'll bury deeper inside as time goes, and become relatively insignificant as you grow grander. Yeah, like you said at the end, it's a matter of waiting out of the situation....

Do you feel like a girl or a boy right now? (your own perception of gender) I am curious. Are you afraid of something? Is there certain part of you that is dying? (metaphorically speaking)

On the positive side, it'll be easier next time.... I know, it sounds weird.... I am weird....

Hey,

Sorry you're feeling so down about your weekend misadventures. May send you a message.

You always write so thoughtfully about yourself.

Thanks Ashi – particularly for what you said about trees, a good way to think about all life’s experiences. While the disappointment feels a little out of proportion, I know it’s temporary and something that will eventually be folded into the whole of my life experience. The plus side is that it’s been a long time since I felt this way so overall that must mean my life is pretty good. Right now I feel like a boy (or man, given my age) but one who arrived at manhood via different route than most. Thanks for the thoughtful response.

rj – thanks and no need for undue concern here…just using the blog for some of my self-absorbed meanderings. :-)

Self-absorption and self-reflection are two sides of a coin.

I always say boy/girl for some reason, which of course means man/woman.

Anyways. Writing things out in blog is sometimes therapeutic. Just keep writing if you need more reflection.