In the last few days, I've had a few conversations that caused me to reflect about various songs and their lyrics. After hearing "St Elmo's Fire" on the radio, I talked with a new friend about how it and Breakfast Club were the movies that defined my high school/early college generation. I graduated high school in 1983 so both movies were very topical for me. The rebellion of Breakfast Club, and the tight friendship circle of St Elmo's Fire were reflections of what I was living. Originally after high school, I went to UC Santa Cruz and there, a group of seven of us did everything together. I'm thankful that due to Facebook, I'm still in touch with most of these friends and love seeing how their lives how unfolded over the years.

Music has been a good influence at major times in my life.

Another influence in more of a long term, a very positive but subtle way, was another main topic of recent conversation. The musical Rent came out in 1996 and when it did, I made a tape (ya - like in cassette) from the CD's and played that on an endless loop in my car, over and over. The music was fantastic - but the message was even better although I think that it more helped me in the background of my mind, rather than as a sudden overt change. "Forget regret, or life is yours to miss"; "There is no future, there is no past, I live this moment as my last"; and "There's only now, there's only here, give in to love or live in fear."

Why all this nostalgia revolving around songs in my life?

At the beginning of 2013, I was planning a trip to DC with Dan and the kids to see the second inauguration of President Obama. I was approaching the end of my chemo from my relapse of Mantle Cell Lymphoma (the first bout was a diagnosis in September 2008 and remission in March 2009, followed by an auto-bone marrow transplant which held until my relapse in July 2012). The DC trip was fantastic although very cold. It was the kids first trip to DC and they had a blast, getting to see so many of the Smithsonians and the various monuments, not to mention being in a great section for the Inauguration itself. February came and with it, tests that showed I had gotten the lymphoma back into remission, so planning began on a allo-bone marrow transplant, which is from a donor. I was very fortunate that my sister was a perfect match and she was able to come out to have her bone marrow cells harvested. I went on disability on March 1 and started the preparation, and on March 15th I had the transplant. There were some rough periods of recovery, but overall I fared well. Originally the plan was that I would have to stay out of work for a year as I recovered, but my progress was so good that we started looking at mid-October as a return date. With a bone-marrow transplant, it's not the disease anymore that you're combating, but a deliberate suppression of your immune system, so that it doesn't reject the donated cells. That immune suppression also means staying away from crowds, strong sunlight (so you don't get a sunburn that triggers an immune response) and stress (as much as possible).

Throughout my struggle, I kept hearing "Oh you're so positive" or other well-meaning comments about how I'm holding up. But the flip is there were so many times I just broke down and cried, or saw a therapist and vented. In addition to my health, I was also dealing with the dissolution of my domestic partnership with Dan and the emptiness of the house after the kids moved back in with their mother (Dan's sister - who originally had some major issues which is why we had custody but who thankfully got her act together). The kids are still a part of my life and vice versa as they live close by and we frequently see each other. I was out at Six Flags Discovery Kingdom with them a couple of days ago as I had gotten both kids and their mom season passes for 2014, so all of us went and got our passes processed (ie - pictures taken) and the kids had a blast going around to the various rides.

So a lot going on, but October was going to be the turning point - the transplant wasn't having any negative reactions and we kept reducing the level of the immune suppression successfully (and ahead of schedule). I got the sign-off from my bone-marrow doctor and my work, and was going to return to work on October 16. We ran one last PET scan, which can show the size and activity of lymph nodes, mainly to use as a baseline for the future follow-up visits.

Most of the previous I've talked about freely in the past. What happened next - um, not so much, in part because at first I just couldn't deal with it. The PET scan that I didn't think about twice - showed enlarged and overactive lymph nodes. But I had also had this PET scan around the same time I was coming down with a cold. To know for sure what the PET scan meant, they did a biopsy of one of the lymph nodes. And just as I think I'm going back to work, instead I'm getting the biopsy results that for the third time, I had active Mantle Cell Lymphoma. Even now typing this, it hurts. My oncologist summed it up with the irony of the auto-transplant in 2009 kept me in remission for three years, but the allo-transplant, which is supposed to be more effective, only kept me in remission for 7 months.

My oncologist immediately got me started on a new chemo drug - one that is a pill (as most chemo is done via IV). I would take Revlimid for 21 days, then 7 off (one cycle), then repeat. Tomorrow, New Year's day will actually be the 21st day of my second cycle. I'll then see my oncologist on Monday and we'll see how we want to proceed. Since starting Revlimid, an even newer drug, Ibrutinib was approved by the FDA and I was able to get it. I haven't used it yet as we don't want to have to wonder what side effects are happening because of the Revlimid and/or the Ibrutinib, but that will be part of Monday's discussion.

Since relapsing, I've also been hospitalized twice. The first - I was doing well, taking the chemo drug and feeling pretty good. I had a good week (sometimes, I just have a good day or two, but at that point, I was on what I thought was an upswing). Got up as usual around 7am and then around 10am, started having some discomfort (for those that understand the 10 point pain scale, I was at a 2). By 11am, pain was at a 6 and I noticed a distinct swelling. Called my oncologist who was able to get me in for an ultrasound at 2:15pm which worked because I had an appointment with my bone-marrow specialist doctor at 3pm. The ultrasound technician saw the pain I was in, and as soon as the procedure was done, said they would immediately process and fax to my doctor the results. I get to the doctor at 3 and by 3:10, we had the results - I had a number of lesions and some water mass causing the swelling, and it was hitting the nerves as well. While I was seeing this doctor, my regular oncologist set up me getting admitted to the hospital, via the ER. I got to the ER about 4PM (and pain was about an 8) and by the time they had an IV in me and started a morphine shot, it was 5pm and pain was a solid 10. I had never felt pain that bad for that long. The morphine took about 20 minutes before it kicked in and the pain lowered to around a 4.

Thankfully, after four days in the hospital, with a ton of meds, I was able to manage the pain and be discharged. I had been worried because the following week, I had plans to fly to my brother's in Dallas for Thanksgiving then after 3 days there, fly to my sister's in Missouri for six more days. One thing that all of the recent quick changes in my health had driven home, was that I needed to spend time doing things that are important to me. I wouldn't say "bucket list" - but when you consider that concept, why wait and put off things that you are able to readily achieve? I may die next year, I may die in 50 years - but even if I was guaranteed 20 more years, why wait for 15 of them to pass before traveling to places I want to see, or doing things that I want to do?

Spending time with my family was fantastic. I got to see all of my brother's kids, who I am pretty close to, as well as really get to spend time and get to know my sister's two kids. Since the trip, I've spoken on the phone more with my sister's eldest (daughter) than I've spoken to her in the previous 5 years.

More recently, on Dec 22 I went from having a mild low grade fever (99.3F/37.4C) to spiking at 102.0F/38.9C. I got admitted to the hospital again and after many rounds of antibiotics and fluids, finally released on the 26th. These sudden hospitalizations just re-emphasize that how uncertain my life is, and how I'm not going to be able to return to work anytime soon.

So - live in regret? Or (a la Rent), "forget regret, or life is yours to miss"...

I'd like to say that I remain positive day by day, living life to the fullest under the circumstances. Um, ya - right. But overall? It takes too much effort to obsess about how bad my life is. When I feel good, I want to take that time and enjoy it - like going to Six Flags with the kids. And when I'm dragging and just need to sleep - well, take a nap, and then see what I can get done, even if that is just sitting up long enough to catch up on a tv show, emails or the latest pet pictures on Facebook.

Live each moment as if it were your last. Then every new future moment will be a gift to be enjoyed and lived as well...

My thoughts.

Happy New Year everyone! I am always so happy to be a part of this community and I wish you all the best!

Trebs/Robert