Just Over a Week Later...
Entry posted by JayT
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So, it's been just over a week since my last blog post. Thank y'all for talking me through my over-analytical mind fuck of the possible situation. Thank the gods I didn't have to face the bitch-in-law, since my brother was the only one that came from Austin. She evidently fell off a ladder or some bullshit and hurt her back. Oh and all of the kids were sick with a stomach virus, conveniently. That was probably for the best. The first night we were down there, I had to sleep out in my aunt and uncle's travel trailer, with no power (no ac-only open windows). The second night, I said eff that and rented me a cabin out at the KOA. By the time we got down there on Friday afternoon, my brain had stopped over-analyzing how was supposed to feel. I decided that if I felt something I would just go with it, if I still felt nothing, oh well. It didn't mean I loved my grandfather any less. I just accepted the fact he was gone. Everyone cried around me. I could tell my brother's sobs were....I won't say forced, but something wasn't right. He looked like he was crying. His eyes were scrunched up and his face was red. His breathing was spot on like a crier would be breathing. One thing was missing. The tears. He had no tears. It wasn't that he wiped them away. They weren't there. I don't know why I noticed that, but there it is. What does it mean? Nothing. I'm not accusing of faking his sorrow. I believe he was upset. But I think he knew he was supposed to be upset and filled the role of the mourner.
My cousin and I almost got into a fight at the cemetery. Over me joking with my brother. I walked my grandmother to the grave site tent and made sure she was situated in her chair. While I did this, the rest of the family filled the tent. My parents, aunt and uncle, cousins and their wives and kids and step-kids all took a seat. When I went to sit next to my grandmother, the only seat left open, my brother brushed past me and said, "Hey bro, let me sit here."
*Backstory* In 1990, my brother had an AVM which is an internal brain injury kinda like an aneurysm, so he has what is known as "left-side neglect". This means he walks with a limp and noticeably has to force his left arm and hand to work "normal". On top of that, a few months ago, an 18-wheeler hit his SmartCar and he now has a herniated disc. *End Backstory*
So, I didn't mind letting him sit there. I was a little upset when I looked up and saw that there were no more seats. I said to my brother jokingly (which he took it as such since he smiled and laughed a little so did my mom and dad) "Guess I'll be the only family member standing." My cousin overreacted and stood up. You could hear his annoyance and frustration when he told me to "Just sit here then, Jay." I told him I was only joking and didn't mind standing. My dad even stood up to stand with me. I told my cousin to sit back down with his family, I was fine. But he refused. I let it go and didn't say another word to him. I don't even think I told him bye when my dad and I left.
Anyways to make a long story short (TOO LATE!!!!) The tears never came. The sadness never came. Like I said before, i wasn't numb, I was almost apathetic. More along the lines of accepted the reality and didn't force sadness.
Today, I feel the exact same. Only now I don't have my mind going 90 to nothing telling me I needed to feel something.
On a positive note- I had my mom's Mother's Day Flowers delivery address changed to my grandparents. So on Friday afternoon, FedEx delivered 12 blush pink and 12 darker pink roses to my mom.
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