Alright so because I didn’t explain it before and I’m sick of people bugging me about it, I figure I’ll post what happened here so you can all get your fill and stop asking me. Part of me didn’t want to post something like this because it had the potential to be somewhat negative and I was trying to stay positive about the whole situation. Well f**K that. I’m pissed so here goes nothing.

I’ll start by posting the letter I wrote to him making it official that we broke up. This isn’t word for word because I changed some of it, but you’ll get the main points.

I’ve never had to do this before so I’m sorry if it turns out bad, but it’s hard for me. Earlier today I had so many reasons why we shouldn’t be together, but when I’m sitting next to you, I just forget everything. You have that effect on me because I still do love you, but that love has been starting to fade.

I’ve been trying to stay positive and think that it can all work out with us, and maybe it could, but I’m not in the right state of mind to do it. I need professional help because I can’t do this myself, and it’s not fair for me to ask you to put your life on hold while I try and fix mine. It’s not going to be quick, and I’ll probably get much worse before I get better, but I know I won’t be able to handle any type of relationship while I’m doing it.

Words cannot express how deeply sorry I am. I never intended to hurt you, and it kills me even more to know that I am. I didn’t want to lead you on, but like you said, depression doesn’t fade quickly. When you grabbed my hand and started holding me, everything felt better at the time, but I knew it really wasn’t.

You have every right to hate me and never talk to me again, but I truly hope you don’t. I do want to be friends with you. You’ve been such an important influence on me and I don’t want to lose that. I know it’ll take time for both of us to heal, but I’m willing to wait for that friendship. If you don’t think it’s possible, I’ll respect that too. I want what’s best for you even if it doesn’t seem like it.

You’re an amazing guy and deserve someone just as great, not someone who’s on the verge of hitting rock bottom. I want you to move on so you can be happy with your life. The longer you hold on to me, the more it will hurt later on.

I’m sorry I had to write this in a letter, but I’m not good with words. Call me a pussy, or an inconsiderate, full-of-shit jackass, but I’m not able to do this around you because it hurts so much. Forgive me if I drop this off and go, but staying would just make things worse. We’ve found that out already. I have trouble expressing my emotions, and it’s something I need to fix, but I’m not going to drag you down with me while I do it.

No matter what you might be thinking about me right now, I do love you and I always will. You have a special place in my heart, but I need to do this for me. I’m sorry, Mason.

You know what I got in response to that letter? Nothing. Not one word.

Basically it was a selfish reason to break up. With the stress that I’ve been under from school, work, family, friends, and our relationship, I was starting to crack. I was in a deep depression that I couldn’t work myself out of. I needed to do something to help myself before I did something I would regret. Without all the boring details, I moved back in with my brother and sister, cut back on some hours at work, and tried to patch things up with my mom. Too early to tell if it’s helping, but we’ll see.

When I was on my way to class this morning it was 40 outside. Tad bit chilly. I couldn’t find my nice jacket that I always wore, so I sent Mason a text asking him if he had it. Mistake #1 for me. I knew he had it because it was in his car the day we broke up. He flat out lies to me and says he doesn’t have it. I confront him about it and just say “It was in your car…”. Mistake #2 for me. I get the following in return.

“Ok. Jacket for Xbox.” He was referring to the Xbox he got me for my birthday. Which in all honesty, I would have given him, but I was about to start a final exam and needed a few minutes to look over my notes (which I didn’t have time to do) and couldn’t respond right away. Apparently he thought this was a no and went off on me. “Or better yet jacket for 9 months of wasted life. You would hit me up for some material bullshit. Prick.” I should have just left it alone at that and walked away, but I didn’t. Mistake #3 for me.

Still trying to be nice about things, I said “Sorry you felt the 9 months were wasted because they weren’t for me”. I guess I didn’t get the memo saying that no matter what I said, I would still be looking like an ass. His response: “Well I’m glad I made a good stepping stone for you”. Let’s just say it went downhill from there. I completely lost it and started going off on him while at the same time confiding in him. I told him something that I haven’t told another person. Mistake #4 for me. I haven’t told my parents, siblings, or even my best friend. Instead of being the bigger person, he threw what I had to say back in my face and called me a cowardly and disrespectful.

I finally made the right decision and sent this: “I’m done. I really do wish you the best of luck in life. I know you’ll go far and I’m sorry I can’t be part of it but you’ve made that clear so far. Good luck and good by Mason.” Never got a response from that.

So I get paid today. I was going to check my balance to see what I had in there before I got paid. Turns out I’m $150 over drafted now. I gave him a check for his mom for $200 at the beginning of October for rent. Apparently they decided yesterday was a good day to cash it. I assumed it had already gone through and didn’t plan my budgeting around it. Mistake #5 for me. I’m a f**king dumbass I guess. Now I have absolutely no money in my account, my check will cover the overdraft and fees, but not much more than that. This means I’m screwed for the next 2 weeks.

On the ‘bright side’, my student loan hasn’t gone through yet. I have to pay by 5:00 today or I’m not going to be going to Northwood next term. I guess some time off would be good, but that totally f**ks me over overall. There’s no way I can get the money in time, and I don’t know if it’s Citi’s fault or Northwood’s (most likely NU), but it doesn’t look good for me right now.

I had planned on saving some money and driving back up to Missouri to my parent’s house with my brother and sister for Thanksgiving. Today’s events completely f**K me over for that so I’ll most likely be at home alone on Thanksgiving. I guess that’s a step up from last year when I was working a 12 hour shift on Thanksgiving Day.

Speaking of long shifts, I now have a Sunday shift that starts at 11:00am and doesn’t end until midnight or later. And because there’s only a few of us closing that night, I’ll most likely have to close an area by myself again because the managers all seem to take advantage of the fact that I’m the only one that’s not a dumbass and is able to do it the right way, by myself, and not be there until 3am. Of course even when I do twice the amount of work (when we usually have 2 people closing that area and I’m doing it alone) I’m still getting paid the same, or less than some of the others working. Which is fine because we all started at the same time and it’s been less than 2 months, but when I specifically come to you and ask you for the most possible hours I can get (which used to be overtime scheduling, but now it’s right at 40) and you give me 33 while people that started one week ago are making 39 hours, that’s what pisses me off. Not being scheduled for overtime is one thing, but when new employees have a higher standing than I do when it comes to getting hours, I get a little bit pissed off.

Add to all of this that I’ve lost 15% of my bodyweight in the last 2-3 months, I’ve been physically ill on and off and it’s starting to take a toll on me. My body hates me, that’s for damn sure. I rarely eat enough, and even on the off chance that I do eat enough, it never has the nutrients I need. My body has been living on caffeine and ibuprofen for a while now though so it’s starting to get used to it at least. I can stay up for 20 hours without hesitation now. Usually 4 hours is good enough sleep to make it through the day.

Mistake #6 for me. I just responded to another text he sent me calling me an immature prick. In a nice way though. He said he wanted to be on good terms, but then added the part about “just wanting to let me know” that I’m a dumbass. Thanks. Appreciate that one, but I think it’s a little late to be on good terms with him right now. My blood pressure is through the roof and my mind doesn’t know what to do.

Score one for me though. I turned off my phone for now. So if any of you are thinking about texting or calling me… don’t.

It’s time for me to go find something to do to take my mind off all this before I have to go into work and start snapping at people (employees and customers) for being absolutely retarded.

Final Score:

Dumbass: 6 Joe: 1

Joe

P.S. Just in case you didn’t get the context, the song the title of my blog is referring to is The Reason by Hoobastank. I’ll leave the lyrics in a comment below.