Would you date someone in the closet?

[AFriendlyFace]

Your devout Mormon parents are not good enough reasons to stay in the closet.

Personally, I think that's his business. It wouldn't be a good enough reason for me to stay in the closet in general. It may be a good enough reason for me to not come out to said Mormon parents, but in any case I respect Tom's prerogative to choose. (I'm sure you weren't actually criticising his freedom to do so either, as much as you were stating your opinion)

 

I was outed and it cost me the love of my entire family and almost all of my friends at the time. Yes, those demons still haunt me, and yes the scars of my adolescence still show

 

I'm sorry that happened to you, Menzo. Obviously I could prattle on with clich

[FrenchCanadian]

O.K. so my devout mormon mother and my boyfriends devout jahova witness parents aren't good enough reasons to stay in the closet? do I really have to confirm their suisspicions or can I just continue to not advertise our relationship??

 

At home, my BF and I use the word "love" often. In public, we say we care about each other

 

Take care all

Kevin

 

I think that there's a difference between advertising a relationship and doing everything you can to hide it. And I know it's stupid to say but, at 37, if you really want it, who cares what your mother has to say,, you're old enough to make your own decision and you're at an age where you don't require their support as much as, say a 15 who still have to live with them. Your mom and his parents will either have to tolerate it or will loose you. normally with some time they would be alright enough to at least tolerate that fact. If that ain't the case, I'm really sorry for you, that's horrible

 

I'm in no mean want to be harsh with you, and I certainly can understand your reason why you wouldn't want,, but in your case you are both in the closet to your parent I take it,, therefore it's not included in my original comment.

[Graeme]

Well, I'm very conflicted on this. As someone under 30, I think there's a huge tendency for us to be less patient with the older generation in terms of coming out. We see it as, "well, they've got their own life, they don't need anyone's approval, they aren't dependent on anyone, what's taking them so long?". I think this will pretty much be true as our generation ages and passes 30. What we must remember is that the older generations grew up in a completely different context. It is much more acceptable to be gay today than it was 20 or 30 years ago! I think this difference in society really is something that people will internalize to some extent in their formative years.

 

Don't get me wrong, I agree that objectively the majority of older people don't have as rational a reason as they may think to remain in the closet (of course some may, but just generally), at least not with regards to external factors. However, I think there's a great deal more internal pressure on them than there is on the younger folks.

One of the factors that applies to the older guys compared to the younger guys is simply inertia and history. Think about the responses of your twenty-year-old friends who, when you come out, say "Why didn't you tell me eariler?". Now try that with someone who has known you for ten, twenty or even thirty years as an adult! I'm personally going to be in that situation when I come out to some of my friends. I came out to the best man at our wedding last year (via a phone call, since he now lives in the USA) and he was very cool with it (I expected him to be -- he's that sort of guy). Another friend of mine I see regularly, and have for the last twenty-five years. Telling him is going to be interesting... though again I expect it'll be fine. I've also got my family. After more more than forty years, I'll be telling them I'm gay.... I'm capable of doing that now, but even five years ago I wasn't. I was still hiding from myself. I knew, but I didn't accept. When I finally came out to myself (just before my forty-first birthday) I had only just started the process of coming out. I've got friend who started the same route at the age of thirty-seven. In his case he's not married and so was free to start a relationship -- he and his boyfriend will be celebrating their second year together this coming week

 

When I came out to my wife, she ended up having to get counselling to deal with it. She went to someone who specialised in helping women who learn that their husband is gay. At the end, she was part of a support group of other women in the same situation. One of those husbands accepted he's gay and agreed he wouldn't re-marry if they broke up (something that is very common in this situation). One of the other husbands, however, said he'd remarry if his wife left him -- he couldn't, at the age of fifty, face living as a gay man. He had spent FIFTY years living as a heterosexual and couldn't change.

 

Personally, I'm now ready to come out of the closet if I ever find myself single again (heaven forbid). That wasn't true five years ago, though I was getting close to it and a boyfriend may have helped me (though a boyfriend wasn't an option, of course).

 

The pressures a younger person (say 20 or below) faces on average deal with things like parental acceptance (and reliance on these parents), fear of bullying/ostracism at school, and in general more physical, material threats. These are extremely real and serious, and by no means am I trying to marginalize them or encourage kids to come out before they are ready, able, and safe. I also realize that there can be a great deal of internal confusion and angst as well. I just think the younger generation has opportunities and resources that have never been available before.

.......Excellent post Kev, and right on from where I stand, it is most definitely easier for today

[Tom]

.........So ya think 37 is old!! thanks I now feel ancient!

 

If the shoe fits! My grandfather lived to be 97...now thats ancient

 

Your devout Mormon parents are not good enough reasons to stay in the closet.

 

I was outed and it cost me the love of my entire family and almost all of my friends at the time. Yes, those demons still haunt me, and yes the scars of my adolescence still show, but in the end it's not about what other people think. I don't care that my parents don't speak to me, because their opinion is less important than mine. I am proud of who I am, and that includes my sexuality.

 

Menzo

I'm so sorry the choice was taken from you

[rknapp]

.........So ya think 37 is old!! thanks I now feel ancient!

 

No, 21 is old! *grabs a cane shakes it at the kids on his lawn*

 

Your devout Mormon parents are not good enough reasons to stay in the closet.

 

I was outed and it cost me the love of my entire family and almost all of my friends at the time. Yes, those demons still haunt me, and yes the scars of my adolescence still show, but in the end it's not about what other people think. I don't care that my parents don't speak to me, because their opinion is less important than mine. I am proud of who I am, and that includes my sexuality.

 

Menzo

I'm sorry that you had such a bad experience with being outed, but that doesn't mean that his reasons for being in the closet are wrong. Sure, he's at that age where if his mother disowned him it wouldn't matter at all, but you don't exactly what his situation is. Maybe there is more to the story, maybe there isn't. Part of why I am not out to anyone but members/officers of my GSA is that my parents are both Catholic, but there are more factors to that that I won't go into.

[Tom]

OH God...I've been thinking again I said yes to the poll, but I think I want to change my answer. First, lets realize that there are diffrent "levels" of being out. My BF is out to 3 people(as in, we told them) and has had it rumored everywhere. I'm out to the same three plus a few more. We have not told our parents, mainly because the balance we all have is comforable.

 

Now, the reason I want to change my vote?? He is fairly determined to keep the number of people that know at three while there have been times I would have loved to sit down and talk with a few guys that 'advertised'

the main reason I missed the gathering in SF was he wouldn't go and it's looking the same for Dallas Now, I love him, so I feel I need to respect his feelings and help him keep his secret. of course, that means I can't do some of the things I want to do.

 

in short, I love the man but...I don't think I would recomend some one else, starting a relationship with someone that wasn't out to the point where both of you were comfortable

 

BTW...Frenchcanadian, thanks for pointing out that I am out, just not as much as I'd like to be

 

Hugs,

Tom

[AFriendlyFace]

Now, the reason I want to change my vote?? He is fairly determined to keep the number of people that know at three while there have been times I would have loved to sit down and talk with a few guys that 'advertised'

the main reason I missed the gathering in SF was he wouldn't go and it's looking the same for Dallas Now, I love him, so I feel I need to respect his feelings and help him keep his secret. of course, that means I can't do some of the things I want to do.

Would he object to you being more out in these contexts? I assume that the part about wanting to sit down with other guys in your life that you know are gay and just be frank with them would of course more than likely end up outting him as well, so I suppose I can see his point there (although of course personally I would certainly be comfortable being out to other gay people...but then I'm pretty out in general so I suppose it is different).

 

My question then, is would he have a problem with you going to the Dallas convention by yourself (or would you have a problem with this?) Just because he doesn't want to go meet and mingle doesn't seem like a reason for you not to. I mean especially in this context none of us have ever even met him, nor are we ever likely to unless he wants to meet us. He'd be no more out either way. He would still just be "Tom's boyfriend" in our minds, just as he is now.

 

Just curious,

Kevin

[Daffioak]

leave it to a fifteen year old to hit on the most important part!

 

At home, my BF and I use the word "love" often. In public, we say we care about each other

 

 

thanks! *blushes*

 

heh, it's really hard to even get myself to say "i love you" to a guy or even write it into a story. i dunno, actions speak louder than words?

 

but my two cents on the over 35 thing? i can't really see someone in their early 20's or late teens dating someone over 35 anyway because of the large age gap. it seems to be asking for trouble only if you're not around that age group IMHO.

 

everyone here has emotional scars and everyone has their own comfort zone. whether or not coming out is within it is another thing entirely.