If your significant other wanted to change sex

[Procyon]

I know a couple, man and wife, who have a teenage son. They're not close friends of mine, but I've met them a couple of times. Recently I heard that the woman had had gender-reassignment surgery and was now a man (that was after at least 15 years of marriage).

 

In Iran, gender reassignment may be the only option for two men wanting to be together as a couple -- I read an article (which I can't find right now) about such a couple, who had fallen in love in the army and where one of the men had gender reassignment so they could get married. There is an article on the subject here.

 

What would you do if your long- or short-term partner told you that he or she wanted a sex change? Would you be happy for her or him, or would you be sad? Would you still want to stay with that person?

 

The couple I mentioned at first are still married and (apparently?) happy together. Their son has accepted that his mother has become a man.

[corvus]

Wow, what a reality TV show situation. It does depend on the circumstances. But I'm pretty sure I would be sad, and I won't be able to pretend that it wouldn't affect the relationship significantly. Although how much also depends on how the whole thing is carried out. If, say, the person I was in love with was clearly conflicted over his/her gender and decided ultimately to change it, I would definitely be more supportive than if it came out of the blue. The case in Iran is quite unique, and I hope never to be in that situation.

 

That's probably the surest thing I can say on this topic: may I never fall in love with a person with an oscillatory gender complex... :wacko:

[JamesSavik]

Excuse me but I'm GAY! I fell for a MAN, not some guy who had a snip and tuck job.

[Pai-kun]

I think I'd be both sad and happy. Sad over the sense of loss, because I would/could not stay with a man who became a woman. And I'd be happy for the guy who had the courage to act on his feelings. But I think I'd be more sad than I'd be happy though... I'm not that big of a person, lol.

Edited April 5, 2008 by Pai-chan

[Azure Dragon]

As much as I would support the decision, I would have to end the relationship. I need to be physically attracted to the person I'm dating which isn't going to happen with a female (that is why I date men in the first place). And she would deserve a man who can properly respond to her. I'd hope we can still be friends, but she'd have to understand that I have every right to feel the way I do.

[S.L. Lewis]

This is where being bi comes in handy. I would continue to stay with them and respect their desicion to change their sex.

[Tiger]

As much as I would support the decision, I would have to end the relationship. I need to be physically attracted to the person I'm dating which isn't going to happen with a female (that is why I date men in the first place). And she would deserve a man who can properly respond to her. I'd hope we can still be friends, but she'd have to understand that I have every right to feel the way I do.

I would too. As time has passed, it has been a transition from more straight to somewhere around 90% gay, so there's no love there for women. They can scratch an itch, and that's all. At the same time, I understand that some people need reassignment. I would be there as a friend (at least after getting over everything).

[scoopny]

I would assume that if your significant other was transgender, he or she would have brought it up earlier in the relationship, like before the two of you got serious, so you could make the choice of whether this is what you wanted. I mean that's the ideal. If someone couldn't trust their partner that they couldn't tell them they were transgender until well into the relationship, then I don't know if the relationship was healthy to begin with.

[Jack Frost]

I married a guy and that is what I wanted. Not a woman or a m-to-w transsexual.

 

I won't stop his wishes, but I think I would like that idea of being married to such person. It doesn't fit in my goals of my life. I dunno...

 

But he never thinks about that...so thank god.

[Tiger]

I married a guy and that is what I wanted. Not a woman or a m-to-w transsexual.

 

I won't stop his wishes, but I think I would like that idea of being married to such person. It doesn't fit in my goals of my life. I dunno...

 

But he never thinks about that...so thank god.

I think you might have meant not. I honestly don't think I would be open to it at all. Maybe I could have a few years ago, but I've went through a transition. There's no way I would ever consider it now.

[Jack Frost]

I think you might have meant not. I honestly don't think I would be open to it at all. Maybe I could have a few years ago, but I've went through a transition. There's no way I would ever consider it now.

Yeah, I mean "wouldn't".

 

It's been over five years and it would be shocking if I find out that. This is something I should be made aware of close to the beginning. Even just a notice of "ponderation" is still appreciable.

[Caipirinha]

Personally I would start by freaking out. I would say all sorts of inappropriate things and make inappropriate jokes and generally not know how to act/behave around the person.

 

Then eventually I would come to my senses. Truth is, it's not my life it's theirs. If this is what that person wants, if this will make that person happy, they should do it regardless of any objection I might have. Everyone deserves the chance to be happy.

 

As for whether I could stay with the person or not, it gets tricky. I have a female friend who I am completely, utterly in love with. If every person only has one soul mate waiting for them, then I am so SOL it's pathetic because she is clearly it. The only thing standing in our way is sexual attraction. She completely agrees that we would be a perfect couple and that we are in fact soul mates. Except we're not attracted to each other. The point of that tirade is to say that I know within myself there is the capability to fall in love with a woman.

 

I guess saying that I would have to end the relationship because she is no longer a man would be too easy of an answer, because despite the fact that the plumbing is different this is still the same person I initially fell in love. Don't get me wrong, I'm not pretending to be some kind of a saint. I do think that ultimately the relationship wouldn't work because I really like boys, but I think that if I honestly, truly, loved the person I'd owe it to myself, and to them, to at very least give it a shot.

 

</ my two cents>

[Razor]

Personally I would start by freaking out. I would say all sorts of inappropriate things and make inappropriate jokes and generally not know how to act/behave around the person.

 

Then eventually I would come to my senses. Truth is, it's not my life it's theirs. If this is what that person wants, if this will make that person happy, they should do it regardless of any objection I might have. Everyone deserves the chance to be happy.

 

As for whether I could stay with the person or not, it gets tricky. I have a female friend who I am completely, utterly in love with. If every person only has one soul mate waiting for them, then I am so SOL it's pathetic because she is clearly it. The only thing standing in our way is sexual attraction. She completely agrees that we would be a perfect couple and that we are in fact soul mates. Except we're not attracted to each other. The point of that tirade is to say that I know within myself there is the capability to fall in love with a woman.

 

I guess saying that I would have to end the relationship because she is no longer a man would be too easy of an answer, because despite the fact that the plumbing is different this is still the same person I initially fell in love. Don't get me wrong, I'm not pretending to be some kind of a saint. I do think that ultimately the relationship wouldn't work because I really like boys, but I think that if I honestly, truly, loved the person I'd owe it to myself, and to them, to at very least give it a shot.

 

</ my two cents>

 

My reply would be an exact echo.

[Drewbie]

To be honest, I would like to see if it could work and agree with Luigi to an extent, but for me I just couldn't do it, I have no sexual or really any attraction to females. I might find them pretty, nothing more then that. Yes still underneath there still basically the same person, but then some of their personality is going to change a bit.

[Procyon]

If it were someone i didn't really love, I would probably be perplexed and ask if he was sure he was doing the right thing, and then eventually I'd try to be as supportive as I could -- but it's not likely that I'd stay with that person.

 

If it were someone I felt that I loved, I'd be devastated at first, and probably try to persuade him not to do it, because I think one loves a person's body as well as his or her soul (and personality), and this would be such a drastic change that I'd have a very hard time accepting it in general -- and within the relationship, I don't think I'd be able to accept it at all; I think it would have to end. Of course it would also depend on how long we'd been together.

 

But that raises an interesting question about the couple I mentioned at first: did the guy whose wife became a man suddenly turn gay? Not likely. Was he bisexual from the start? Hmm maybe. Or did he decide to stay with his husband although he's not gay...? And if so, was that a good decision?

[AFriendlyFace]

Well I really wouldn't give it a second thought if it were someone I were in love with and had been for years. I mean, okay I wouldn't be like, "so you're gonna be a girl, huh? Cool. Pass the salt". I'd think about it, and we'd talk about it, alot, but it would never cross my mind to leave them for such a reason.

 

But that scenario is with someone I've been with for awhile and am in love with AND I'm also presuming that neither one of us was more than subconsciously aware that they might be transgendered. Conversely it's vaguely possible (although much less likely), that I would knowingly fall in love with a male(or perhaps even a female) who was transgendered and we both knew it. The worst situation would by far be if they had known for quite some time and not shared this with me. That might result in the end of our romantic relationship, but that would be about other things than the transgendered issue.

 

If it were a more short-term and/or less serious relationship then there is every possibility that I might ultimately decide to only continue to support them as a friend.

 

The case in Iran is quite unique

Well, that's almost really romantic in a screwed up sort of way. I can't really say how I would react because I will never be in that situation. The only way it would be possible for that to happen to me now is if some sort of totalitarian regime took over that I could not move away from. If that happens, things suck in general and I'll have to work it out then.

 

I will say that I would never want, support, or approve someone having gender reassignment surgery to be with me simply to make it easier or legal. I would much rather face the discrimination and more difficult life, and I couldn't support it because to me the person would be doing it for all the wrong reasons. If in some twisted, weird sort of way it was the only way we could be together in any way at all, and the person really really wanted to do it...well I still think I'd have trouble getting on board, but I would only know in the situation.

 

I guess saying that I would have to end the relationship because she is no longer a man would be too easy of an answer, because despite the fact that the plumbing is different this is still the same person I initially fell in love. Don't get me wrong, I'm not pretending to be some kind of a saint. I do think that ultimately the relationship wouldn't work because I really like boys, but I think that if I honestly, truly, loved the person I'd owe it to myself, and to them, to at very least give it a shot.

My reply would be an exact echo.

Yes, exactly.

 

My whole life philosophy is about not being too rigid about things, especially things regarding sex, gender, and relationships, so while I have very clear and definite preferences, I would personally be massively disappointed in myself if I were unwilling to at least give a different sort of situation a try.

 

There's every possibility that it wouldn't work at all, but as Drew indicated I suspect much of that would have to do with changes in personality and the dynamic of our relationship. I can't imagine someone having a gender reassignment surgery and not 'becoming a different person' in much more than just the physical way. So while the physical way itself would probably be something I could adjust to, it would be the non-physical changes that might complicate things. On the other hand I suppose they could just as easily improve things. It would all depend on the specific situation.

 

A couple of other stories about two close friends of mine and their relationships:

 

One friend thought she was dating a guy, and had been for over a year. It was a long distance relationship so they weren't together constantly, but they had been together, and even 'intimate', on many occasions. It turned out that the 'guy' was really a girl pretending to be a guy, and evidently the times they had sex had been with the lights off and the girl had used very realistic seeming 'equipment'. It was very hard for my friend (understandably), but she eventually elected to stay in the relationship (that was about a year and a half ago, they're actually having problems again now, but it's unrelated to the previous stuff). Personally, I very probably wouldn't have because of the deception involved. However, I've never been more proud of her than when she said, "she's still the person I fell in love with".

 

Another good friend of mine was in exactly the type of relationship we're talking about. She's a lesbian and her girlfriend was transgendered. It was something they sort of realized together, and my friend was supportive as her girlfriend became her boyfriend. Ultimately it didn't work out between them, but the eventual demise of their relationship was related to those non-physical changes I mentioned above. He wasn't the same person my friend fell in love with, but it wasn't because the private bits were different.

 

Anyway, that's two somewhat similar situations I personally know of in which the person decided to stay with their mate (at least after the gender revelation). I've never personally known of a situation in which something like this happened and the other person immediately decided to end things. Could it be that it's actually much harder to do that in practice than in theory? That when it comes down to it if you are in love with someone you probably will give the new gender a try? Or is it perhaps because in both cases on some level the other person (the transgendered - or in the other case gender-deceptive person) realized that their loved one was the kind of person who would try and fell in love with them as a result?

 

Probably a bit of both.

 

Anyway, I'm the sort of person who would have to try.

 

Take care all,

Kevin

[Menzoberranzen]

Excuse me but I'm GAY! I fell for a MAN, not some guy who had a snip and tuck job.

 

Precisely.

 

I have nothing against transgendered people, but I would not stay with a man who intended to become a woman.

 

Menzo

[Julian Alexander]

I'm going to echo James and Menso's thoughts on this.

 

-Jules

[moonwolf]

along the lines of James and Jules and Menzo... while I would totally support their decision, I wouldn't go into a relationship in the first place with them... If they knew and told me they were thinking on going the whole way with the operations and everything I know I couldn't be intimate with them.

 

If they hide it from me I would see it as a lack of trust in the first place hence I would have a hard time dealing with it and it could be enough to just break a relationship and it wouldn't be for the transgender issue only

 

Jason aka Moonwolf

[AFriendlyFace]

along the lines of James and Jules and Menzo... while I would totally support their decision, I wouldn't go into a relationship in the first place with them... If they knew and told me they were thinking on going the whole way with the operations and everything I know I couldn't be intimate with them.

 

If they hide it from me I would see it as a lack of trust in the first place hence I would have a hard time dealing with it and it could be enough to just break a relationship and it wouldn't be for the transgender issue only

 

But what if they only worked out that they were transgendered while you were in the relationship with them?

[moonwolf]

But what if they only worked out that they were transgendered while you were in the relationship with them?

 

To answer your question... I highly doubt someone would realise that they are transgender in their 20's or 30's... those things usually have been bugging them for quite some time and manifest normally in childhood I mean most of them will have tried women's or men's clothes not as a fetish but because they feel at ease in the other sex clothes.

 

If they really did discover while in a relationship... I would probably not be able to handle it in a relationship point of view... on a friendship level though, it is a whole different matter

 

So my point is... being in a relationship is knowing each other and after some time you should know about the other's past and little dark secrets... If I see that I get something like THAT hidden from me when I was thinking I knew the other's little garden.. I would see it as a lack of trust and for me that's a major blow in any relationship...

 

hope that answered your question Kevin

 

Jason aka Moonwolf

[AFriendlyFace]

To answer your question... I highly doubt someone would realise that they are transgender in their 20's or 30's... those things usually have been bugging them for quite some time and manifest normally in childhood I mean most of them will have tried women's or men's clothes not as a fetish but because they feel at ease in the other sex clothes.

I would disagree. Many people don't even work out for sure that they're gay until later than that. I think the issue of transexuality would take even longer to figure out. Especially if it were a MTF in a gay male relationship. Chances are he might have incorrectly assumed that his feeling of being different or out of place stemmed from the far more common experience of being homosexual than being transgendered.

 

Don't get me wrong, a lot of people who are transgendered figure it out right away and always sort of 'know', but I think it's easy to misidentify given the right circumstances and background. I would be very interested in some stats on this!

 

If they really did discover while in a relationship... I would probably not be able to handle it in a relationship point of view... on a friendship level though, it is a whole different matter

 

So my point is... being in a relationship is knowing each other and after some time you should know about the other's past and little dark secrets... If I see that I get something like THAT hidden from me when I was thinking I knew the other's little garden.. I would see it as a lack of trust and for me that's a major blow in any relationship...

 

hope that answered your question Kevin

Yep, definitely answers my question

[scoopny]

I think people very early find out that there's something "wrong" with them, they may not be able to put a name to it, but they feel it. Often, not always, they'll find ways to express their true gender even if they don't realize they're doing it, much like many gays and lesbians do when they are in the closet. What I'm saying is that even if someone doesn't "figure out" what their true gender is, I don't think its something that anyone paying attention to their partner wouldn't notice in some way, even if they don't acknowledge it, much in the same way, some spouses in heterosexual relationships might see signs their partner is actually gay but may not know how to recognize it or name it. It's not like someone out of the blue starts acting like a different gender. So that's why I think, even if someone was transgendered and didn't know it, I think people would pick up on this confusion even before they started dating and either it wouldn't come as a surprise when their partner told them the truth or they would be comfortable with the idea.

 

 

Another wrinkle, what if your partner realizes they are transgender and then realizes they are still gay and you're incompatible with them? That also happens in a few cases because gender and sexuality aren't as tightly linked as one may think. Would you want your partner to dump you because now you're the wrong gender?

Edited April 10, 2008 by scoopny

[AFriendlyFace]

I think people very early find out that there's something "wrong" with them, they may not be able to put a name to it, but they feel it.

Err, I know you put it in quote marks, but I still think 'different' is a better choice of words than 'wrong'.

 

Often, not always, they'll find ways to express their true gender even if they don't realize they're doing it, much like many gays and lesbians do when they are in the closet. What I'm saying is that even if someone doesn't "figure out" what their true gender is, I don't think its something that anyone paying attention to their partner wouldn't notice in some way, even if they don't acknowledge it, much in the same way, some spouses in heterosexual relationships might see signs their partner is actually gay but may not know how to recognize it or name it. It's not like someone out of the blue starts acting like a different gender. So that's why I think, even if someone was transgendered and didn't know it, I think people would pick up on this confusion even before they started dating and either it wouldn't come as a surprise when their partner told them the truth or they would be comfortable with the idea.

That's all very true, but I think what it really comes down to is an issue of denial. Some people are very good at denying their true sexuality, and almost undoubtedly the same would hold for gender. Certainly they would be expressing it subtly anyway, and the signs would be there, but for someone adamant about ignoring them it could be done. The same would hold true for this person's spouse/partner. Upon reflection they could probably see the signs, but if they were dead set on ignoring it prior to the revelation that could probably done. People have an amazing capacity for selectively seeing and believing what they want.

 

 

Another wrinkle, what if your partner realizes they are transgender and then realizes they are still gay and you're incompatible with them? That also happens in a few cases because gender and sexuality aren't as tightly linked as one may think. Would you want your partner to dump you because now you're the wrong gender?

 

You mean for example if I were dating a gay guy and he realized he was transgendered and went through the process of becoming a woman, and then realized that she was still homosexual and thus a lesbian interested in dating other women?

 

I guess that's plausible, but it's not my understanding of how it works. I've personally known four transexual people fairly well, three of whom who have already for the most part undergone the switch and one who is still in the process, and each was attracted (or certain that they would be attracted) to same gender before and after, regardless of 'sexuality' before the transition.

 

To me it seems more like regardless of your gender you're either attracted to males or females (or both) and altering your physical gender should be independent of that. At least that's how I see it.

[rich_e]

I know it sounds selfish and self-centered, but to be honest, I would be crushed. To find someone that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with and then all of a sudden have them realize they'd rather be a woman... it would hurt. This would undoubtedly end a romantic relationship. That doesn't mean that we'd have no relationship at all, but it would become one of a gay best friend / straight girl relationship. I have quite a few girls that I know I could have very healthy relationships with if I were attracted to women, but gender plays a huge role. I'd try to be supportive, of course, but on the inside, it'd be killing me.