Fallen in Love with my Best Friend

[treefrog]

Eh, I need some advice guys (ladies, please chime in as well)...

 

I am openly and proudly gay... So is my best friend, Nathan. I am 27, he is 23. I met him about a year ago, and we've hit it off ever since. Now, outright I think Nathan is a very attractive guy. Nathan thinks I am too. In fact, just the other day we actually admitted to each other that we only first started talking to one other a year ago because we both thought each other was attractive.

 

When we first met, it was easy not to fall for nathan. He was getting over his ex-boyfriend, I was getting over a crush that never worked out. We talked a lot about how these boys were pissing us of, upsetting us, blah blah blah. In a sense, we bonded over helping each other get over these boys. I was going through heavy emotions at the time, and he essentially saved me from all that, so I am eternally grateful to him. After our friendship began to grow after a couple months, we swore to each other nothing romantic could ever happen between us because 1) we meant to much to each other to chance losing it to a relationship, 2) we were like "brothers".

 

Well, I was fine with that for about 6 months. But then one day I woke up, and I was finally over that last boy who broke my heart. What Nathan and I started doing in the coming months slowly (and accidently) made my feelings shift towards him. Let's see, what kinds of things am I talking about:

 

1) Whenever we spend the night at each other's places, we cuddle. We both are aware and joke around that we get hard when we cuddle with each other.

 

2) We kiss often (on the lips, no tongue)... Whether drunk or sober, doesn't matter. It's usually if we're having fun, saying goo-bye, or when sharing good news to each other.

 

3) We frequent the gay bars. Before we go out, we'll try to "get riled up" before we leave to go out by messing around with each other. You know, so we'll be more compelled to talk to other boys. Hmmm, this is the worst one. We lick and bite each others nipples and lick all over each other's chests. Licking below the waist has even been okay, as long as the other one has underwear on and its not on the penis. Oh yea, and in general, touching each other right there is another "no no".

 

4) We came back drunk one night, and out swim suits on and jumped in the shower. We still kept them on, but pulled them off just enough to rim each other.

 

So yeah, I know. We've already blurred the line between friendship and something more than that. but we both continue on in saying we're "brothers". Of course, all of our friends accuse us of being together since we are so buddy-buddy in public. Nathan told me the other day that even if he started to have serious feelings for me he still wouldn't pursue it because he always loses people through relationships, and he never want to lose me.

 

Usually, I am fine with all of this. The only time I really notice the fact that I still like him is when he is with another guy. We'll get all ready to go out and find some boys, and I'll be all excited. But then when I see him make out with some random guy I get jealous. I never show that I get mad or show emotions in these situations because I know he's doing nothing wrong. I acknowledge I only feel this way because I like him.

 

Right now he's getting back with his ex that he has continually wanted for "all time." And it honestly breaks my heart. The guy treats Nathan like crap, and just the other night, I held him while he cried over what the guy was doing. I want him to be happy with whoever he chooses to be with, but I can't help feeling that if he were with me, he'd never have the worries he does now.

 

So I want him, but I don't. I'd die to make love with him, but then I don't want to mess up the great friendship I have with him. He's been there for me through the darkest parts of my life, and if I lost him I'd truly be alone. I want to still think of him as just a friend, but more and more I find myself thinking about him all the time.

 

Any advice out there? Since I'm pretty much confused on what to do, I'm open for any suggestions. Whether it be how to tame my emotions, or how to go about actually pursuing a relationship with this guy.

 

Thanks for reading...

 

treefrog

[corvus]

I have no "personal experience" advice, but in my mind... isn't a romantic love borne from friendship better than love *without* friendship? I would advise you, with my starry-eyed optimism, to "go for it" -- but to take it slow, not scare each other off, and keep things transparent. Keep talking honestly to each other.

 

Good luck!

 

[Tiger]

Since he is gay, this is a much different situation than falling in love with a straight best friend. I think you should tell him how you really feel. I happen to think the chances of staying together is very high. You already get along better than a lot of couples. I'm reminded of some friends of man. It's a hetero relationship, but they started out as best friends. Now they're a couple, and I suspect they will be together for the rest of their lives. You should definitely tell him before it's too late.

[BeaStKid]

I agree. It is always better to be honest, and since you are already so open with each other, it would not be so much of a problem. The only thing I can think of that can go wrong is that he says that he doesn't want to be in a relationship.

 

I would then suggest taking it slow. He would come around eventually, i.e. if he likes you back. (which I think, he does, judging by your post.)

 

 

BeaStKid

[NaperVic]

Any advice out there? Since I'm pretty much confused on what to do, I'm open for any suggestions.

 

Keep talking honestly to each other.

 

I agree. I think you need to tell him how you feel and be honest. If you can't be honest with such a close friend, who can you be honest with (besides random internet crazies like us :wacko: )?

 

Good Luck & Take Care®,

 

Vic

[Procyon]

If he's in love with this other guy you have to take it easy for a while -- by that I don't mean that you shouldn't do anything, but be there for him, and when there's a suitable moment (like, when you're being intimate-ish) ask him how he feels about you. Don't pressure him into anything though, just take things as far as you can without doing that. What you need to avoid is to give him the feeling that you're running after him before he's ready for it. I think your chances are good though -- friendship is a great foundation for a romantic relationship!

[Dion]

Where's Kevin? He should chime in on this.

[treefrog]

Where's Kevin? He should chime in on this.

 

YES, I want to hear what Kevin has to say about this too!! lol :-)

 

Thank you for all your comments everyone. I'm all ears and taking it all to heart.

 

I have more to say, but I'll pot it in a little bit.

[Cynical Romantic]

Been there. Done that. Bought the t-shirt.

 

It's scary to risk a friendship to find out if it could be more. On the one hand, the best relationships often start off as friendships, and you two may very well be able to find something really special and enduring. On the other hand, if things go sour, you not only lose your lover, you lose your best friend.

 

Nathan may have feelings for you, too, but is probably scared of the latter possibility. He obviously values the friendship that you two have, and doesn't want to take a chance at screwing it up. I know that concerns you, too. But sometimes you have to take a leap of faith when it comes to love. You can't have the good unless you risk the bad, too.

 

Good luck!

[MikeL]

You've gotten some good advice here, Treefrog. Your friendship is most important and you want to preserve it. So does he. You already have more in common than many couples. You need to find a way to build on that friendship. Hopefully Nathan will realize that you provide more as a friend than his ex can or will.

 

My best wishes...do take it slow, and friendship will win the day.

[BeaStKid]

Where's Kevin? He should chime in on this.

I concur...

[JamesSavik]

Treefrog... err Dude, what's the problem?

 

A lover and a best friend- isn't that the total package?

 

Give him a ring and call yourself lucky.

 

BTW- congrats.

[Cynical Romantic]

One additional point: You may think this is a debate between "just staying friends" and "trying for more". But the truth is, that decision has already been made for you, in a way. If you have feelings for him as more than a friend, you can't just tell yourself to ignore them. He's already different to you in your mind, and even if you decide not to act on those feelings or to tell him about them, you will probably feel and act differently towards him as a result of how you feel. So the friendship is going to change, anyway. Your main question should be, do you open up to him and risk everything for a chance at happiness? Or do you suffer in silence? None of us can tell you what to do, but just realize that nothing in life ever stays the same. Relationships and friendships are constantly evolving, and here's hoping you will be able to evolve together.

[BeaStKid]

One additional point: You may think this is a debate between "just staying friends" and "trying for more". But the truth is, that decision has already been made for you, in a way. If you have feelings for him as more than a friend, you can't just tell yourself to ignore them. He's already different to you in your mind, and even if you decide not to act on those feelings or to tell him about them, you will probably feel and act differently towards him as a result of how you feel. So the friendship is going to change, anyway. Your main question should be, do you open up to him and risk everything for a chance at happiness? Or do you suffer in silence? None of us can tell you what to do, but just realize that nothing in life ever stays the same. Relationships and friendships are constantly evolving, and here's hoping you will be able to evolve together.

That is well put, Cyn. And very true.

 

A person cannot change how he feels for another person even of he knows that he cannot have that person in the way he wants. In the end, it is up to, as you said, choosing between acting on your feelings and knowing that at least you tried, or forever thinking about 'what if' scenarios...

 

A beautiful advice, dear. (And privately, one that applies to me as well. )

 

BeaStKid

[AFriendlyFace]

LOL, thanks for the vote of confidence guys!

 

 

 

So yeah, this is a situation I've found myself in from both sides on many occasions.

 

First I was in love with my best friend, then I only wanted him as a friend, then he kept acting weird and dropping hints that he wanted more...and now I think we're both just happy with the close friendship.

 

Another friend of mine has pretty much always wanted me and only been vaguely discrete about it.

 

A third friend I've pretty much always wanted...and only been vaguely discrete about. With this one I can certainly identify with your feelings because one evening I suddenly realized that I was helping him pick out his clothes and get ready and even ironed his shirt for him...so that some other guy could get him out of those clothes later. Eh, I think I'm mostly over him anyway.

 

Apart from that there have been countless fleeting crushes on both sides with quite a few other friends.

 

 

Anyway, nothing new for me. I think it's inevitable when all your friends are openly gay.

 

We cuddle sometimes too, and occasionally I do the hello/goodbye kiss thing with some of them, but for the most part we aren't nearly as sexual as it sounds like you and Nathan are.

 

On these matters, my opinion generally tends to fall in line with what you and Nathan have decided. Basically that "boyfriends come and go, but friends are more important and enduring." Personally, I don't regret never having hooked up with/dated/etc any of my friends. In fact I've always been as careful as possible to avoid 'friendcest'.

 

Nevertheless, because you've already gone further with Nathan than I have with my friends, and based on what you're saying, I have to say that my advice counters my general attitude on the subject (not to mention the general way I've always handled the situation). I have to say that I think you should go for it!

 

You're attracted to each other. You love each other. You have romantic feelings for him, and it sounds to me like he does - or at least could - have romantic feelings for you...that's pretty much a relationship, dude.

 

I kinda have a good feeling about this based on what you've said as well. Besides, yes you run the risk of losing an awesome friend that you love very much, but I think it's worth it if you could have an awesome boyfriend you love very much. That best friend of mine that I've never managed to sync my romantic feelings with at the same time as him...well if I could I would. It's scary as hell because I'd hate to lose him...but if I only were in love with him - and if he were still in love with me - I really can't imagine it not working out for us.

 

...But I'm not in love with him, and I think he's over me.

 

Anyway, apart from all that, you know there's still a chance that you could be friends with him again even if you did give it a shot and it didn't work out. Lots of couples have stayed friends. It isn't always easy - okay it's never easy - and I would still encourage a period of distance after the break up, but ultimately if you both made the effort you could probably have your friendship back.

 

My advice, next time this bad news ex hurts him again and you're consoling him, kiss him. Just as you've done before, only this time let it get out of hand. Use some tongue, put your hands on his face or run them through his hair, whatever, just let it happen next time. When you break the kiss confess your feelings. Tell him how much he means to you and how much you want him (be open and emotional about it). Tell him how scared you are of ruining the friendship but how great you think a relationship could be and how much you want to try. Decide together what to do. But tell him your feelings openly and honestly, and listen to his.

 

 

Good luck, man!

-Kevin

Edited July 27, 2008 by AFriendlyFace

[Tiger]

Kevin, I do tend to disagree with you about "friendcest". If I had a gay best friend and I was starting to have feelings I'd probably be too shy to admit, but if I gathered enough courage I would. I have said before that despite the complications, I can have and have had friends with benefits. That's not to say that it's what I really want, and he certainly does not either, but it can actually work. However, if it's your best friend and he feels the same way, I figure that means that you could have the best relationship ever, the one that may stand the test of time. Some might call me a "Stepford <insert expletive>" but what I really want is someone to spend my life with. Who could be better than a gay best friend? I can't think of any.

[treefrog]

LOL, thanks for the vote of confidence guys!

 

 

 

So yeah, this is a situation I've found myself in from both sides on many occasions.

 

First I was in love with my best friend, then I only wanted him as a friend, then he kept acting weird and dropping hints that he wanted more...and now I think we're both just happy with the close friendship.

 

Another friend of mine has pretty much always wanted me and only been vaguely discrete about it.

 

A third friend I've pretty much always wanted...and only been vaguely discrete about. With this one I can certainly identify with your feelings because one evening I suddenly realized that I was helping him pick out his clothes and get ready and even ironed his shirt for him...so that some other guy could get him out of those clothes later. Eh, I think I'm mostly over him anyway.

 

Apart from that there have been countless fleeting crushes on both sides with quite a few other friends.

 

 

Anyway, nothing new for me. I think it's inevitable when all your friends are openly gay.

 

We cuddle sometimes too, and occasionally I do the hello/goodbye kiss thing with some of them, but for the most part we aren't nearly as sexual as it sounds like you and Nathan are.

 

On these matters, my opinion generally tends to fall in line with what you and Nathan have decided. Basically that "boyfriends come and go, but friends are more important and enduring." Personally, I don't regret never having hooked up with/dated/etc any of my friends. In fact I've always been as careful as possible to avoid 'friendcest'.

 

Nevertheless, because you've already gone further with Nathan than I have with my friends, and based on what you're saying, I have to say that my advice counters my general attitude on the subject (not to mention the general way I've always handled the situation). I have to say that I think you should go for it!

 

You're attracted to each other. You love each other. You have romantic feelings for him, and it sounds to me like he does - or at least could - have romantic feelings for you...that's pretty much a relationship, dude.

 

I kinda have a good feeling about this based on what you've said as well. Besides, yes you run the risk of losing an awesome friend that you love very much, but I think it's worth it if you could have an awesome boyfriend you love very much. That best friend of mine that I've never managed to sync my romantic feelings with at the same time as him...well if I could I would. It's scary as hell because I'd hate to lose him...but if I only were in love with him - and if he were still in love with me - I really can't imagine it not working out for us.

 

...But I'm not in love with him, and I think he's over me.

 

Anyway, apart from all that, you know there's still a chance that you could be friends with him again even if you did give it a shot and it didn't work out. Lots of couples have stayed friends. It isn't always easy - okay it's never easy - and I would still encourage a period of distance after the break up, but ultimately if you both made the effort you could probably have your friendship back.

 

My advice, next time this bad news ex hurts him again and you're consoling him, kiss him. Just as you've done before, only this time let it get out of hand. Use some tongue, put your hands on his face or run them through his hair, whatever, just let it happen next time. When you break the kiss confess your feelings. Tell him how much he means to you and how much you want him (be open and emotional about it). Tell him how scared you are of ruining the friendship but how great you think a relationship could be and how much you want to try. Decide together what to do. But tell him your feelings openly and honestly, and listen to his.

 

 

Good luck, man!

-Kevin

 

Thank you for your thoughts Kevin! And once again, thank you to everyone else too. I keep reading and and re-reading your posts because the advice is straight from the heart :-)

 

Update...

 

Nathan's ex came to visit him yesterday, and then this morning, he called me to tell me about all of the sex they had. I mean, the guy tells me EVERYTHING so it got pretty graphic. It was kind of funny, because the day before I was helping Nathan pick out a mattress for the bed at his new place. Shortly after that, Nathan called his ex and expressed the fact that he would have to come over and "try it out."

 

Nathan's ex told him this morning that he would have cooked him breakfast if he had the food in his place for it. When Nathan called me and told me about this he said that he wanted to tell his ex that he should sneak out in the morning to get stuff... The way that I do (I usually sneak out to get us coffee in the morning when I stay at Nathan's place). But then we both laughed and agreed if he wanted his ex back it was a good thing he didn't ACTUALLY say that.

 

Nathan also told me about yet another friend who said that he should date me.

 

I don't know everyone, lol. Nathan keeps on bringing things like this up, and I want to believe its because he's trying to see if I have those "relationship" thoughts in my head. Or it could be he's trying to put them there. Or it could be he's just talking about simple things that happened to him that day.

 

I had talk with one of my close friends, and he did tell me to take it slow while he's going through this "getting-back-together-with-the-ex" situation.

 

In the mean time, I'm going to try to keep my fantasies under control... And continue to be a good friend to him. I hope I can stand to do "my own thing" until the time is right. Maybe I'll run into something else, who knows. But damn... I am so stuck on this guy. I don't even have the desire to meet other guys at the gay bars, or anywhere right now. My only worry is that if it takes a while for the time to be right, that Nathan will move on with his ex or someone else... And leave me in a place where I'm still stuck on him.

 

Again... Thanks for your comments, it's really giving me confidence to do what I believe I want to do in my heart.

[MikeL]

Nathan also told me about yet another friend who said that he should date me.

 

I don't know everyone, lol. Nathan keeps on bringing things like this up, and I want to believe its because he's trying to see if I have those "relationship" thoughts in my head. Or it could be he's trying to put them there. Or it could be he's just talking about simple things that happened to him that day.

 

I had talk with one of my close friends, and he did tell me to take it slow while he's going through this "getting-back-together-with-the-ex" situation.

 

In the mean time, I'm going to try to keep my fantasies under control... And continue to be a good friend to him. I hope I can stand to do "my own thing" until the time is right. Maybe I'll run into something else, who knows. But damn... I am so stuck on this guy. I don't even have the desire to meet other guys at the gay bars, or anywhere right now. My only worry is that if it takes a while for the time to be right, that Nathan will move on with his ex or someone else... And leave me in a place where I'm still stuck on him.

 

Again... Thanks for your comments, it's really giving me confidence to do what I believe I want to do in my heart.

Treefrog, at some point you are going to have to sit down with Nathan and have a heart-to-heart talk about your relationship. You are walking a fine line on timing; too soon or to late, either one, would be bad timing. While several, including myself, have urged you to take it slow, be alert for the right time. If his friends are urging him to date you, you might want to approach them. This would reinforce their convictions about you and Nathan and they may be very helpful. Use caution, be alert, be ready to seize the opportunity.

 

Best wishes.

[treefrog]

Uhmmm... Nathan just asked if I would go to his god-daughter's 1st birthday party. He said that I am "more personable" than his ex. He said otherwise he would bring him.

 

I really want to express my feelings to Nathan soon... But I still feel now is not the right time because I feel like I would only be acting out of fear because he's still messing around with his ex.

 

Would anyone act differently?

[Tiger]

I still think you should tell him how you feel. Maybe he'll figure out that you're better for him than his ex. It may not be a sudden realization either. It could take a while. In the mean time, you just have to live your life. There's always the possibility that someone else will come along. Sometimes timing isn't right. It happens.

[MikeL]

Uhmmm... Nathan just asked if I would go to his god-daughter's 1st birthday party. He said that I am "more personable" than his ex. He said otherwise he would bring him.

 

I really want to express my feelings to Nathan soon... But I still feel now is not the right time because I feel like I would only be acting out of fear because he's still messing around with his ex.

 

Would anyone act differently?

I still think you should tell him how you feel. Maybe he'll figure out that you're better for him than his ex. It may not be a sudden realization either. It could take a while. In the mean time, you just have to live your life. There's always the possibility that someone else will come along. Sometimes timing isn't right. It happens.

I agree with Tim. By all means, go to the birthday party. A chance to be with Nathan and keep him away from the jerk? Do it.

[kitten]

I still think you should tell him how you feel. Maybe he'll figure out that you're better for him than his ex. It may not be a sudden realization either. It could take a while. In the mean time, you just have to live your life. There's always the possibility that someone else will come along. Sometimes timing isn't right. It happens.

 

FWIW - I agree with Tim.

Who knows if a 'perfect' time will ever come. Maybe you are both really waiting for the other to be first to reveal their feelings. If you don't tell him how you feel then he may assume you're not interested in him that way.

 

Basically, there is no guaranteed right answer. However, in my experience of close friends, being honest and open nearly always works out for the best.

 

Kit

[MikeL]

FWIW - I agree with Tim.

Who knows if a 'perfect' time will ever come. Maybe you are both really waiting for the other to be first to reveal their feelings. If you don't tell him how you feel then he may assume you're not interested in him that way.

 

Basically, there is no guaranteed right answer. However, in my experience of close friends, being honest and open nearly always works out for the best.

 

Kit

Kit makes some good points. If you wait, you risk Nathan falling for some new guy. I know you made a commitment to each other that you would always be just friends, not lovers. It sounds like you both would like to revisit that commitment. Do it. Be open and honest. If Nathan rejects your going back on the mutual commitment, then perhaps it was never meant to be. If so, you would know and could move on. If he feels the same way you do, then you could both have what you really want.

 

Good luck.

[GK1219]

Treefrog

 

I know this is advice coming from someone your junior but trust me on this I will swear my life

 

Cut the shit and tell him

 

tell him now damnit

 

dont hesitate

each moment you let him near anyone else you lose him!

 

 

 

 

I know what im talking about

Go get him soldier

[AFriendlyFace]

Uhmmm... Nathan just asked if I would go to his god-daughter's 1st birthday party. He said that I am "more personable" than his ex. He said otherwise he would bring him.

 

I really want to express my feelings to Nathan soon... But I still feel now is not the right time because I feel like I would only be acting out of fear because he's still messing around with his ex.

 

Would anyone act differently?

I still think you should tell him how you feel. Maybe he'll figure out that you're better for him than his ex. It may not be a sudden realization either. It could take a while. In the mean time, you just have to live your life. There's always the possibility that someone else will come along. Sometimes timing isn't right. It happens.

Let me add to the chorus of people proclaiming the merit of Tim's advice!

 

Not too much I can add I'm afraid. Except my support and well-wishes

 

Treefrog

 

I know this is advice coming from someone your junior but trust me on this I will swear my life

 

Cut the shit and tell him

 

tell him now damnit

 

dont hesitate

each moment you let him near anyone else you lose him!

 

 

 

 

I know what im talking about

Go get him soldier

Good advice, Jordan

 

Just a friendly reminder to all though, please watch the language

 

 

 

Good luck, Dude!!

 

-Kevin