Fallen in Love with my Best Friend

[FrenchCanadian]

I agree with everyone and everything that's been said up to now,, you really have to do it,, do it sooner rather than later,, right now it's not yet too late, in 2 weeks it might be... or at least for some time. I don't want you to regret the fact that you haven't tried anything. Also, he might have the same feeling but push them back.

 

A point that, I think, haven't surfaced,, you mentioned that his ex treats him as crap... well as a friend you should sit with him and talk about it. He might not listen to you, but you at least need to make him know that you care for him that way too.

[Tiger]

Sacha, he needs to tread carefully if he does that. If he misinterprets his intentions, tensions could rise and risk ruining the friendship completely. That is definitely not a good thing.

[treefrog]

Treefrog

 

I know this is advice coming from someone your junior but trust me on this I will swear my life

 

Cut the shit and tell him

 

tell him now damnit

 

dont hesitate

each moment you let him near anyone else you lose him!

 

 

 

 

I know what im talking about

Go get him soldier

 

lol you are funny Swordsman!

 

Thanks for the good advice, I'm thinking about moving ASAP as soon as decides his ex isn't the one for him... Or if I see him doubting

[treefrog]

Let me add to the chorus of people proclaiming the merit of Tim's advice!

 

Not too much I can add I'm afraid. Except my support and well-wishes

 

 

Good advice, Jordan

 

Just a friendly reminder to all though, please watch the language

 

 

 

Good luck, Dude!!

 

-Kevin

 

Thanks, I hope the moment comes soon Kevin!

[treefrog]

I agree with everyone and everything that's been said up to now,, you really have to do it,, do it sooner rather than later,, right now it's not yet too late, in 2 weeks it might be... or at least for some time. I don't want you to regret the fact that you haven't tried anything. Also, he might have the same feeling but push them back.

 

A point that, I think, haven't surfaced,, you mentioned that his ex treats him as crap... well as a friend you should sit with him and talk about it. He might not listen to you, but you at least need to make him know that you care for him that way too.

 

Yea, I definitely fear he'll not feel like wanting a relationship for a while after things probably go wrong with his ex.

 

I'll give it a shot though... I'm just worried I'm gonna lose my best friend (practically my family) over this.

[AFriendlyFace]

Yea, I definitely fear he'll not feel like wanting a relationship for a while after things probably go wrong with his ex.

 

I'll give it a shot though... I'm just worried I'm gonna lose my best friend (practically my family) over this.

Trust that you won't. Trust him. Trust yourself.

 

It's good to be cognizant of possible problems, and you definitely need to be careful, but I'm a firm believe in self-fulfilling prophecies. What believe is what you'll put out there. Have faith in yourself, him, and the relationship (the platonic relationship that is).

 

I personally think you'll be fine

[treefrog]

Sacha, he needs to tread carefully if he does that. If he misinterprets his intentions, tensions could rise and risk ruining the friendship completely. That is definitely not a good thing.

 

Yea def... The next two or three week will be telling it think... I'm going to see Nathan for his god-daughters party in two weeks, plus he just asked if I wanted to hang out at a local festival this weekend with some friends...

 

Here we go...

[Rakuten06]

treefrog, I can tell you two simple words: Press on. It's mean never give up and continue trying to see if you failed or succeed. Press on and good luck, Treefrog!!

[FrenchCanadian]

Sacha, he needs to tread carefully if he does that. If he misinterprets his intentions, tensions could rise and risk ruining the friendship completely. That is definitely not a good thing.

 

Not definitely, it really depends on how you say it. If you say it without explanation, ya he could misunderstand and tension could rise. But If you make sure that you're giving your opinion putting aside any feeling, being rational, he will understand. Therefore the risk of ruining the friendship is low, specially with everything it's been said that they don't want to brake their friendship. But of course you can't warn him about his ex then going on telling him bluntly that you love him.

 

I personally "warned" my best friend about different things over the last two years. And yes I had/have feeling for that guy, sometimes it was really hard to do. You have to align yourself with Nathan tho, meaning that you should warn him, yes, but make sure to tell him that it comes down tho what he decides and that whatever happen you'll still be there.

[treefrog]

So the last time I posted on this topic was the end of July. Well, I told Nathan how I felt about him this past summer. We were about to go out to the bars. He ended up telling me that he didn't have the same feelings for me. He said it was ok that I had feelings for him and that we could continue our friendship.

 

Later that night he went home with some guy. I flipped out when he came back the next morning because I thought that was so disrespectful to me. I mean I had just told the guy I loved him like 3 hours before he went home with some dude. We had a rough period for a week at the end of the summer. But we ended up working it out.

 

Fast forward to now... Nathan and I got drunk 2 weekends in a row. He came on to me on both occasions and we ended up having sex. I thought he was doing it because it would mean something to him. But it wasn't. He basically told me it was all because he was horny and needed sex. He did it because he knew that I would "never hurt him."

 

Well, in the past few months he just kept on telling me about all these guys he's trying to get with. It hurts because I'm the one who cares about him the most. And Nathan wants to be with me the least. I couldn't take Nathan playing me just to have comfort sex or whatever. So painfully today... I dropped a note in the mail with his house key in it... And explained that I can't continue being his friend because I keep getting hurt by what's going on.

 

I love Nathan. I always will. I will always remember him fondly. I suppose it won't crush me when I think of him again in time. I regret our friendship ending. I will miss him so much. But I will never regret telling him the truth about how I felt. Thank you all that gave me advice. I just wanted to let you all know what happened.

[corvus]

I'm sorry it ended this way, but maybe it was all for the best. I mean... what a bastard! -- having sex with you because you would "never hurt him"!? Some friend!

 

Anyhow, best of luck, and I'm sure you'll find someone.

[Former Member]

I'm sorry about how it ended. At least you won't have to live with the what ifs. You just need to focus on whats going to be best for you, and it sounds like you're doing that.

 

Keep your head up.

[KJames]

Now the hard part begins...

 

What will you do if he comes back to you and tells you that he now realizes that you're the best thing that could've ever happened to him, that he knows how much he hurt you, and asks for your forgiveness and to be with you?

[Furthark2000]

Im new here and thought I would reply to this. I hope Im doing it right. I just finished reading the whole post and found myself crying at the end. I am so sorry this has happened the way it has. Sometimes when friends cross those boundaries whether intentional or not the ending is now what we desire. The thing to do now is wait and see how your friend reacts to your not being around. They say that absence makes the heart grow fonder. I happen to believe it. Maybe things will eventually turn around and you two can be together. I agree with you for distancing yourself from him for the time being. When you started developing feelings for this man, you crossed that line. I understand that it was not intentional but it happened and this is where it has led. I have seen several relationships start in exactlly this same type of situation. My advice would be to go about your life as normally as you know how. Keep your head up. And if he decides that a relationship with you is what he wants, then take it from there. You sound like a wonderful guy (someone I would love to meet!!) and it would be wonderful if I read this string later to find out that y'all were together and happy. Best of luck to ya. Much love!

[Benji]

So the last time I posted on this topic was the end of July. Well, I told Nathan how I felt about him this past summer. We were about to go out to the bars. He ended up telling me that he didn't have the same feelings for me. He said it was ok that I had feelings for him and that we could continue our friendship.

 

Later that night he went home with some guy. I flipped out when he came back the next morning because I thought that was so disrespectful to me. I mean I had just told the guy I loved him like 3 hours before he went home with some dude. We had a rough period for a week at the end of the summer. But we ended up working it out.

 

Fast forward to now... Nathan and I got drunk 2 weekends in a row. He came on to me on both occasions and we ended up having sex. I thought he was doing it because it would mean something to him. But it wasn't. He basically told me it was all because he was horny and needed sex. He did it because he knew that I would "never hurt him."

 

Well, in the past few months he just kept on telling me about all these guys he's trying to get with. It hurts because I'm the one who cares about him the most. And Nathan wants to be with me the least. I couldn't take Nathan playing me just to have comfort sex or whatever. So painfully today... I dropped a note in the mail with his house key in it... And explained that I can't continue being his friend because I keep getting hurt by what's going on.

 

I love Nathan. I always will. I will always remember him fondly. I suppose it won't crush me when I think of him again in time. I regret our friendship ending. I will miss him so much. But I will never regret telling him the truth about how I felt. Thank you all that gave me advice. I just wanted to let you all know what happened.

 

................Unsure is what I feel here, it would appear that two friends went beyond their boundaries in friendship and one or the other perceived a different relationship evolving from such. Lust overcame those boundaries, and it was in that the destruction began. The friendship now evolved into an unwanted relationship by one. Probably by both but instigated by one, resulting in a hurt by one that can never repair the relationship as friends as once was. The line crossed, will only make matters worse, a lesson sorely taught.

[KJames]

Eh, I need some advice guys (ladies, please chime in as well)...

 

I am openly and proudly gay... So is my best friend, Nathan. I am 27, he is 23. I met him about a year ago, and we've hit it off ever since. Now, outright I think Nathan is a very attractive guy. Nathan thinks I am too. In fact, just the other day we actually admitted to each other that we only first started talking to one other a year ago because we both thought each other was attractive.

 

When we first met, it was easy not to fall for nathan. He was getting over his ex-boyfriend, I was getting over a crush that never worked out. We talked a lot about how these boys were pissing us of, upsetting us, blah blah blah. In a sense, we bonded over helping each other get over these boys. I was going through heavy emotions at the time, and he essentially saved me from all that, so I am eternally grateful to him. After our friendship began to grow after a couple months, we swore to each other nothing romantic could ever happen between us because 1) we meant to much to each other to chance losing it to a relationship, 2) we were like "brothers".

 

Well, I was fine with that for about 6 months. But then one day I woke up, and I was finally over that last boy who broke my heart. What Nathan and I started doing in the coming months slowly (and accidently) made my feelings shift towards him. Let's see, what kinds of things am I talking about:

 

1) Whenever we spend the night at each other's places, we cuddle. We both are aware and joke around that we get hard when we cuddle with each other.

 

2) We kiss often (on the lips, no tongue)... Whether drunk or sober, doesn't matter. It's usually if we're having fun, saying goo-bye, or when sharing good news to each other.

 

3) We frequent the gay bars. Before we go out, we'll try to "get riled up" before we leave to go out by messing around with each other. You know, so we'll be more compelled to talk to other boys. Hmmm, this is the worst one. We lick and bite each others nipples and lick all over each other's chests. Licking below the waist has even been okay, as long as the other one has underwear on and its not on the penis. Oh yea, and in general, touching each other right there is another "no no".

 

4) We came back drunk one night, and out swim suits on and jumped in the shower. We still kept them on, but pulled them off just enough to rim each other.

 

So yeah, I know. We've already blurred the line between friendship and something more than that. but we both continue on in saying we're "brothers". Of course, all of our friends accuse us of being together since we are so buddy-buddy in public. Nathan told me the other day that even if he started to have serious feelings for me he still wouldn't pursue it because he always loses people through relationships, and he never want to lose me.

 

Usually, I am fine with all of this. The only time I really notice the fact that I still like him is when he is with another guy. We'll get all ready to go out and find some boys, and I'll be all excited. But then when I see him make out with some random guy I get jealous. I never show that I get mad or show emotions in these situations because I know he's doing nothing wrong. I acknowledge I only feel this way because I like him.

 

Right now he's getting back with his ex that he has continually wanted for "all time." And it honestly breaks my heart. The guy treats Nathan like crap, and just the other night, I held him while he cried over what the guy was doing. I want him to be happy with whoever he chooses to be with, but I can't help feeling that if he were with me, he'd never have the worries he does now.

 

So I want him, but I don't. I'd die to make love with him, but then I don't want to mess up the great friendship I have with him. He's been there for me through the darkest parts of my life, and if I lost him I'd truly be alone. I want to still think of him as just a friend, but more and more I find myself thinking about him all the time.

 

Any advice out there? Since I'm pretty much confused on what to do, I'm open for any suggestions. Whether it be how to tame my emotions, or how to go about actually pursuing a relationship with this guy.

 

Thanks for reading...

 

treefrog

 

 

Treefrog, I just went back to the beginning of this thread...shown above...and in following the posts know that you sat down and had a heart to heart, etc....but out of what you have poured out here, did you mention this part to him:

 

Now, outright I think Nathan is a very attractive guy.

 

Right now he's getting back with his ex that he has continually wanted for "all time." And it honestly breaks my heart. The guy treats Nathan like crap, and just the other night, I held him while he cried over what the guy was doing. I want him to be happy with whoever he chooses to be with, but I can't help feeling that if he were with me, he'd never have the worries he does now.

 

I'd die to make love with him... He's been there for me through the darkest parts of my life, and if I lost him I'd truly be alone.

 

Yes, I know I left out major portions--key elements were stuck in my mind--but what did you leave out when you talked to him? Note, the underlining, letting him know your opinion of what he's been through, and bold italics, because if someone told me that, I'd probably be completely his if I was still unmarried. Sometimes we forget the "key" thing we were willing to tell others, but not the person it concerns in the first place. Sometimes, when you truly love someone, the way to their heart isn't necessarily by telling them you love them and telling them to love you because your both already there with each other doing it--sometimes it's telling them how truly important they are to you, and why. Don't demand his love--plant a seed.

 

You broke off a friendship that was special, to both of you. At the time he didn't want a relationship with you other than friends--everyone works at a different speed, treefrog...but he knew that he could come to you with his troubles like nobody else he knew. Now that you broke that off, who is he going to call when his ex- now current-again does the same crappy stuff, again?!? "...and if I lost him I'd truly be alone," are you really willing to throw away someone that you would "die to make love with" and seems to make your life whole? I think not, you don't really come across as someone like that.

 

If he truly meant that much to you, he always will mean that much to you. (Trust me, I initiated the breakup with my ex- and although I don't regret it, I cried myself to sleep for two weeks--I was your age, then, I'm twice Nathan's age now--and still think of him and how great the lovemaking was, and it was{!}, and still wonder if he's okay even though the breakup was very bitter) And if you still want a chance to prove you love him, and plant that seed, you need to retrace your steps and apologize to him for breaking off. You are both young, and are making mistakes in this search for "love". Then tell him that you felt hurt, but that you're still there to listen to his troubles anytime.

 

I hope that you will be able to repair this--a friendship was given up because someone wasn't ready to go further, and someone else's feelings were hurt because of it. I hope that you will try. I hope that he will be convinced. I hope you get your chance to plant that seed. I hope that you get a chance to take a whole day and night, stretching the time, by doing nothing but "make love" (not to be confused with the act of intercourse) with all of the day's and evening's romantic and fun or sensual activities. I hope that he will come back to you. I hope that seed will grow and thrive.

 

I hope for both of you!

[Sarah]

I'm sorry about how it ended. At least you won't have to live with the what ifs. You just need to focus on whats going to be best for you, and it sounds like you're doing that.

 

Keep your head up.

 

I have only just read the whole of this thread, and I agree with Jessiflash.

 

You both crossed the line of being 'just friends' some time ago. Your feelings developed to a point that it would have been awful to have seen him go off with other guys. I think you did the right thing by telling him how you felt. If you hadn't, you would have always been wondering 'what if'.

[_Daichi_]

I know that there is someone out there that is ment for only you! It is sad that he reacted that way, but at least you put your fealings out there. Edited December 15, 2008 by _Daichi_

[treefrog]

Thank you for responding to my post guys...

 

I've had a while to think it over, and I've taken everyone's advice and comments to heart. I decided to let the situation be for now. For the past three weeks, I've just been watching the memories of my best friend fade. But I doubt this will be the last I see of Nathan. I mailed him his key back like three weeks ago. He has yet to send mine back. I wonder if this is his way of instigating conversation with me again. Who knows. For now, I just need to let my emotions (and my heart) recover.

 

If there is a day when I can simply be friends with Nathan--and not feel attracted to him--I know that he would let me back into his life. I left him truthfully, and he was just sorry that it came to this. He didn't mind that I still had feelings for him. He was just taken back because I felt the need to walk out of his life for it. Seeing that I still have deep feelings for him as I write this, I believe it will be a long time before it would be possible for me to reconnect with him... If I can even stand to do so. I love him so much. Watching him kiss someone else just kills me inside.

 

But once again, if that day ever comes: Nathan always told me if we were ever (for any reason) to go our separate ways, he would always let me back in... I just hope his words can be tested by time, and that we both find happiness in this life--together, or apart.

Edited December 20, 2008 by treefrog

[KJames]

For the past three weeks, I've just been watching the memories of my best friend fade. But I doubt this will be the last I see of Nathan. I mailed him his key back like three weeks ago. He has yet to send mine back. I wonder if this is his way of instigating conversation with me again. Who knows.

 

It sounds like he's telling you that he's not giving up on you as a friend--or that he's still counting you as one. Only he knows for sure, but that's what it sounds like based on the fact that he's also willing to give his ex- another chance. And you haven't said where you live in your profile, but if I suspect, you will probably frequent the same bars and clubs...so, yeah, you'll probably be seeing a lot of him.... Take a guide from lots of the stories here, let him see you looking, longingly at him with others, and let him see you leave the places...

 

For now, I just need to let my emotions (and my heart) recover.

 

Yes they will (and, no, it won't), it'll take time. You'll always remember, that's what makes true love difficult...letting go when "your" 'one' isn't ready.

 

If there is a day when I can simply be friends with Nathan--and not feel attracted to him--I know that he would let me back into his life.

 

That's always a possibility, I suppose, however slim...if the attraction was there, it'll always be there, he's just the kind of guy you're looking for and nothing will change that...for you. I doubt that Nathan would connect letting you back into his life as a friend with not feeling attracted to him--at this point in his life, it seems he is willing to let his ex- try again because Nathan seems to be the forgiving type. In the same vein, I doubt that he would hold your attraction to him against you as a reason for not letting the friendship re-establish itself.

 

I left him truthfully, and he was just sorry that it came to this. He didn't mind that I still had feelings for him. He was just taken back because I felt the need to walk out of his life for it.

 

See my last paragraph... He may have been sorry more because he valued you and your honesty more, and was willing to keep you, as a treasured, valuable, true friend, without holding your feelings against you.

 

You chose the words, "walk out"...very powerful.

 

Did you intend, then, to give up such a valuable friend?

 

Seeing that I still have deep feelings for him as I write this, I believe it will be a long time before it would be possible for me to reconnect with him... If I can even stand to do so.

 

What, then, when he initiates the reconnect? When and if he needs to talk to his "best" friend, what then? Although he's trying to get back with his ex-, remember, he's been portrayed as the forgiving type, it still doesn't sound like he broke away. It still sounds like he wants the lover he thought he had, and all the friends he's had.

 

But once again, if that day ever comes: Nathan always told me if we were ever (for any reason) to go our separate ways, he would always let me back in...

 

Sounds like words spoken by someone willing to be a true friend, no matter what.

 

I just hope his words can be tested by time, and that we both find happiness in this life--together, or apart.

 

Time tests all things, time heals all wounds... An old saying, but true...time also builds and strengthens. But the true test is yours to take...you have to ask to be let back in. Then the test becomes one of friendship...if he's as forgiving as you've portrayed him, all should be well and you'll both be, at least, friends again. Along with another chance if his ex- breaks up with him again...Nathan sounds like the forgiving type, but his ex- seems to be the one using a revolving door...

 

Remember, Treefrog, be patient and don't give up, be kind and repair your friendship--it will make all the difference in the world to both of you--and will help him to realize, later when his ex- breaks up again, that love isn't something he needs to go searching for when true love stares him right in the face:

 

Love is patient and kind;

Love is not jealous, or conceited, or proud, or provoked;

Love does not keep a record of wrongs;

Love is not happy with evil, but is pleased with the truth.

Love never gives up;

its faith, hope, and patience never fail...

Edited December 20, 2008 by kjames