Twas the Night before Christmas Parodies

[Phantom]

I got this in my email from a friend of mine.... and it made me think... have you heard of any parodies? If you can... post them and give credit where credit is due

 

 

 

politically correct christmas story

'Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck...

How to live in a world that's politically correct?

His workers no longer would answer to "Elves".

"Vertically Challenged" they were calling themselves.

And labour conditions at the North Pole

were alleged by the union to stifle the soul.

 

Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety,

Released to the wilds by the Humane Society.

And equal employment had made it quite clear

That Santa had better not use just reindeer.

So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid

Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid!

 

The runners had been removed from his sleigh;

The ruts were termed dangerous by the E.P.A.

And people had started to call for the cops

When they heard sled noises on their rooftops.

Second-hand smoke from his pipe had his workers quite frightened.

His fur trimmed red suit was called "Unenlightened."

 

And to show you the strangeness of life's ebbs and flows,

Rudolf was suing over unauthorised use of his nose

And had gone on Geraldo, in front of the nation,

Demanding millions in over-due compensation.

So, half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife,

Who suddenly said she'd enough of this life,

 

Joined a self-help group, packed, and left in a whiz,

Demanding from now on her title was Ms.

And as for the gifts, why, he'd never had a notion

That making a choice could cause so much commotion.

Nothing of leather, nothing of fur,

Which meant nothing for him. And nothing for her.

 

Nothing that might be construed to pollute.

Nothing to aim, Nothing to shoot.

Nothing that clamoured or made lots of noise.

Nothing for just girls, or just for the boys.

Nothing that claimed to be gender specific.

Nothing that's warlike or non-pacifistic.

 

No candy or sweets...they were bad for the tooth.

Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth.

And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden,

Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden.

For they raised the hackles of those psychological

Who claimed the only good gift was one ecological.

 

No baseball, no football...someone could get hurt;

Besides, playing sports exposed kids to dirt.

Dolls were said to be sexist, and should be passe;

And Nintendo would rot your entire brain away.

So Santa just stood there, dishevelled, perplexed;

He just could not figure out what to do next.

 

He tried to be merry, tried to be gay,

But you've got to be careful with that word today.

His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground;

Nothing fully acceptable was to be found.

Something special was needed, a gift that he might

Give to all without angering the left or the right.

 

A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision,

Each group of people, every religion;

Every ethnicity, every hue,

Everyone, everywhere...even you.

So here is that gift, it's price beyond worth...

May you and your loved ones, enjoy peace on Earth.

[MikeL]

A Red Neck Christmas

 

'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the trailer

Not a creature was stirrin' 'cept a redneck named Taylor.

His first name was Bubba, Joe was his middle,

And a-runnin' down his chin was a trickle of spittle.

His socks, they were hung by the chimney with care,

And therefore there was a foul stench in the air.

 

That Bubba got scared and rousted the boys.

There was Rufus, 12 Jim Bob was 11

Dud goin' on 10 Otis was 7.

John, George and Chucky Were 5,4, and 3:

The twins were both girls so they let them be.

 

They jumped in their overalls, no need for a shirt,

Threw a hat on each head, then turned with a jerk.

They ran to the gun rack that hung on the wall.

There were 17 shotguns they grabbed them all.

 

Bubba said to the young'uns, "now hesh up ya'll!

The last thing we wanna do is wake up yer Maw."

Maw was expecting and needed her sleep,

So out they crept out the door without making a peep.

 

They all looked around, and then they all spit.

The young'uns asked Bubba, "Paw, what is it?"

Bubba just stared he could not say a word.

This was just like all of The stories he'd heard.

 

It was Santy Claus on the roof, darn tootin'

But the boys didn't know they was about to start shootin'!

They aimed their shotguns and nearly made a mistake

That would have resulted in venison steak.

Bubba hollered out, "don't shoot, boys!"

That's Santy Claus And he's brought us some toys.

 

The dogs were a-barkin' and a-raisin' cain,

And Bubba whistled, and shouted, and called them by name.

"Down, Spot! shut up Bullet! quiet, Roscoe and Enos!

Git, Turnip and Tater and Sam and Bosco!"

 

"Git down from that porch! git down off that wall!

Quit shakin the trailer, or you'll make Santy fall!"

The dogs kept a-barkin' and wouldn't shut up,

And they trampled poor Pete Who was only a pup.

 

Santy opened his bag, And threw out some toys.

Bubba got most, but left a few for the boys.

Since the guns had been dropped he just might not die.

 

He jumped in his sleigh, told his reindeer to hurry.

The trailer started to wobble santa started to worry.

Just as the reindeer got into the air,

The trailer collapsed, but Bubba didn't care.

 

He was busy lookin' at all his new toys.

Then a thought hit him, and he said to the boys:

"Go check on yer Maw, make sure she's all right.

That roof fallin' on her could-a hurt just a might."

 

But Maw was OK, and the girls were too.

They fixed up the trailer it looked good as new.

And as for Bubba, he liked Old St. Nick,

But Santa thought Bubba was a pure-in-tee hick!

 

Bubba had a nice Christmas, and the boys did, too.

And the Taylors wish a Yee Haw Merry Christmas to you!!!

------------------------------------------------------------------

 

When you finish reading the poetry, you have time for a little

.

[TalonRider]

'Twas Assembly Before Christmas

 

 

'Twas the night before Christmas when all through the house

I searched for the tools to hand to my spouse.

Instructions were studied and we were inspired,

In hopes we could manage "Some Assembly Required."

The children were quiet (not asleep) in their beds,

While Dad and I faced the evening with dread:

A kitchen, two bikes, Barbie's town house to boot!

And, thanks to Grandpa, a train with a toot!

 

We opened the boxes, my heart skipped a beat....

Let no parts be missing or parts incomplete!

Too late for last-minute returns or replacement;

If we can't get it right, it goes in the basement!

 

When what to my worrying eyes should appear,

But 50 sheets of directions, concise, but not clear,

With each part numbered and every slot named,

So if we failed, only we could be blamed.

 

More rapid than eagles the parts then fell out,

All over the carpet they were scattered about.

"Now bolt it! Now twist it! Attach it right there!

Slide on the seats, and staple the stair!

Hammer the shelves, and nail to the stand."

"Honey," said hubby, "you just glued my hand."

 

And then in a twinkling, I knew for a fact

That all the toy dealers had indeed made a pact

To keep parents busy all Christmas Eve night

With "assembly required" till morning's first light.

 

We spoke not a word, but kept bent at our work,

Till our eyes, they went bleary; our fingers all hurt.

The coffee went cold and the night, it wore thin

Before we attached the last rod and last pin.

 

Then laying the tools away in the chest,

We fell into bed for a well-deserved rest.

But I said to my husband just before I passed out,

"This will be the best Christmas, without any doubt.

 

Tomorrow we'll cheer, let the holiday ring,

And not have to run to the store for a thing!

We did it! We did it! The toys are all set

For the perfect, most perfect, Christmas, I bet!"

 

Then off to dreamland and sweet repose I gratefully went,

Though I suppose there's something to say for those self-deluded;

I'd forgotten that batteries are never included!

[TalonRider]

Congress' Night Before Christmas

 

"Twas the week before Christmas and those sly little elves,

Our congressmen, labored to better themselves.

They cared not a whit what the public might think

"Let them eat cake," some said with a wink.

 

And putting their thumbs to the tip of their nose,

they waved as they shouted "Anything goes!"

 

They scoffed at the thought that we might object,

to a tax cut for the wealthy of a posh percent.

They've got prerequisites-franking, per diem, and more --

bargain-priced haircuts and gyms (three or four!)

 

Paid speaking engagements and meals on the cuff,

celebrity status -- (they've sure got it tough!),

 

Yet they claim they're in touch with the man on the street,

as John Q. Public struggles to make both ends meet.

If all workers decided what they were due,

they'd be getting those fat paychecks too!

 

But while we take cutbacks or raises quite small,

and one out of 20 has no job at all,

our millionaire Congress decides on the budget

land trimming Medicare and Medicaid will do it, they say.

 

In this season for giving, our Congress is taking.

We've had it with them and our backs are breaking.

With hard times, disasters, and layoffs on our dockets,

we bit the bullet and they fill their pockets!

 

Oh jobless, oh homeless, oh desperate and needy -

dare anyone say our Congress is greedy?

 

If in this feeling I'm not alone,

take up your pen or pick up your phone.

As dry leaves before the wild hurricane fly,

let the road of your anger mount to the sky.

 

Indignant, outraged, appalled and beset

let your congressman know that you won't forget!

When election times comes -- and certain it will --

you're voting him out for passing that bill.

 

More rapid than eagles, their elections assured

they toasted each other and laughed at the herd.

And I heard them exclaim with adjournment at hand,

 

"Merry Christmas to us, and the public be damned!