Coming Out

[Prince Duchess]

Me and a friend at work were having a discussion at work about when people decide to come out and their ages and i thought i would bring it here.

 

So, when did you come out and what was your reason?

 

For me I came out at 16 and I did because I got tired of having to lie to my parents about why I was always over this persons house and the hickeys when i didnt have a girlfriend.

[rainyday]

I came out to my closest friends over the course of a year starting with my best friend when I was 17 and a junior in high school. Then just 2 months ago (at the age of 19) in January over winter break from college, I came out to my parents. I was basically tired of lying about who I really was, and wanted everyone to know the whole me. I'm still not out to everyone, but if someone asks me if I'm gay, I'm not going to lie about it.

[Graeme]

Age 40, shortly before my 41st birthday. I had been visiting gay story sites and they had given me a degree of self-confidence I didn't have before. When I started writing, I came out to my wife because I didn't want her to learn by finding something on the computer.

[SRevol]

I was outed by silly me at 14, my mom and her husband know about it, my friend, they like to pretend that

[AFriendlyFace]

I started coming out I guess about four years ago. It was more selective at first, but once I moved, about three years ago, I decided that I was just always going to be out. So I'm out to everyone now and just never "stay in" very long when I meet someone. Of course I mostly socialize in the GLBT/Ally community anyway, so it's usually just assumed. I'm also out at work though.

 

For me, being out is pretty much a requirement I have for my life. I would not be willing to work or socialize with people if I had to be in the closet. I would find it far too uncomfortable. I also personally feel like being out is something I can do to benefit the gay community.

 

 

Take care all

Kevin

[old bob]

Coming out was never a problem for me .

When you look my profile, I'm not only gay, I'm bi. As Kinsley said : the capacity of an individual to respond erotically to any sort of stimulus, whether it is provided by another person of the same or opposite sex, is basic in the species. IMO, a bi is a gay who openly likes and/or loves also the other gender. The advantage (and sometimes the problem !) of the bi's are that we can play at the same time "on both pianos".

So I never really "came out ". I lived with my rents till I was 18. I was the war. We lived in Geneva, a town entirely surrounded by German troops in occupied France, with just a small corridor of 2 miles connecting us to the remaining part of Switzerland. My father was away from home, in the Army as all Swiss men, we were expecting any time the invasion of the German troops, which would mean death for the whole family (we are Jews!), and so my rents had a lot of other problems to solve. So I could live almost of my own and I didn't need to tell my double nature.

From 14 to 20, still "in the closet", I had several very close boyfriends (one after the other) and I was very shy with girls. Later, during my College years, I was away from home, free to be myself without interfering of my rents. With 21, I lived in a "commune" with boys and girls,and met a girl who became my wife and with whom I'm still happily living since soon 58 years (we had 4 children, I say "had" because 2 are already dead ). My wife is very open-minded, I had a lot of travel opportunities far from home so I could live a double life and had during the same years several boyfriends (as other straight people have "mistresses"), some of them very dear friends ,some just for fun. I'm not very religious, I live in an open gay friendly country, and the people around me know me well and take me as I am : " a ship sailing either with sails or with motors (as we say in French : "naviguer

[Mark M]

Haha Well Canada's reputation for Accepting gay guys is not entirly correct, myself i am not out. And since my fiends probably would never be caught dead with "gay authors" or any of the depictions written in any story on here coming out has been a challenge.

 

My dad and i, since my mom passed away two years ago, are figting for ourselves basically, like he's a widower and his family is decently distant but they come around every once and a while. My mom side has little to do with me, which would be my step brother and sister. But her parents are great i just hope i'm still in the will...haha i'm just wanting to be in eveyones will so put me in guys lol jk

 

Myself i've been thinking of coming out to my best friend, actually was going to two days ago but then his relationship with his girlfriend got in the way...and frankly were so comfortable with each other i don't really wana lose it just yet...even tho nothings there sexualy between us (although he's freeking model like) Like we sleep in the same bed when we have sleep overs (clothes on, or usualy boxors or whatever haha) then yeah that close proximity i don't wana lose, like i know he's not totaly against gays at all, he's nailed it dead on so many times that i'm gay, but of course i just deny or whatever and leave it alone...and yeah he jokes and i can see a negitive thing there so i'm scared he'll avoid or drop me as a friend entirly but i don't think he would, but i don't think he could adapt to talk about...things i want to do or what i'm scared about sort of thing.. i don't really know how to explain it, but when i do come out his sexuality will be questioned, although after two girlfriends that have bragged about him in bed, i really don't think they will. As for other friends i duno yet, my dad will come along eventually i think he'll get over it tho, his family i'm not so sure about... But it'll come, right now tho i think the closet is where i'll camp out a bit longer. I still have my relief on the internet with some friends who know i'm gay, but of course there miles and miles away haha

[Sir Galahad]

Ummmm, I was 17 when I came out, & it was forced. Someone had seen my then boyfriend & I making out in the staff canteen where I worked while I was in college. Ok, I was young, stupid & horny!

Needless to say it got back to my parents who weren't best pleased. My Dad went ballistic & beat the crap outta me, until my Ma managed to pull him away. You know the usual routine, no son of mine etc etc.

Anyway, he leaves the house & my Ma was a lot calmer about it. She was still crying, but at least asked if it was true. Of course I didn't see any point in denying it. Then she said the words I'll never forget, "so no grandchildren for me then". Don't know why that's stuck with me, I have never forgotten the look in her face as she said it either. I really don't think I have felt lower in my life than I did at that moment

 

Now, my Dad & I are civil to each other, period, that's it. I've tried to talk, but he just walks away, so now I just don't bother. You just get tired of trying, & as far as I'm concerned I did nothing wrong.

My Ma & I are great now. I still don't think she's 100% happy with it, but she at least tries. It took a while, but coming from an Irish family I think she's done just fine. Most importantly she gets on great with my guy, which is most important to me.

[Benji]

That is really sad, and unfortunately a true aspect in life, the un-acceptance of ones being. I so Sorry I was born as a left handed person (The rallying call of the Christians in the early 1400's)

[Tipdin]

After attempting suicide, (and spending a week in a coma) I felt a need to explain to my family.

[LongGone]

Not yet to anyone really. I'm telling a few friends within the next 72 hours. We'll see how that goes. There's someone I blame for me doing this

[Graeme]

Not yet to anyone really. I'm telling a few friends within the next 72 hours. We'll see how that goes. There's someone I blame for me doing this

Good luck! I hope it all goes very smoothly

[Dalmatia]

My mum read my MSN conversations and told my dad and sisters, luckily she didn't tell my borther who would have made fun of me to no end, which he does since I told him

[SRevol]

Not yet to anyone really. I'm telling a few friends within the next 72 hours. We'll see how that goes. There's someone I blame for me doing this

 

Good luck

 

My mum read my MSN conversations and told my dad and sisters, luckily she didn't tell my borther who would have made fun of me to no end, which he does since I told him

[AFriendlyFace]

Coming out was never a problem for me .

When you look my profile, I'm not only gay, I'm bi. As Kinsley said : the capacity of an individual to respond erotically to any sort of stimulus, whether it is provided by another person of the same or opposite sex, is basic in the species. IMO, a bi is a gay who openly likes and/or loves also the other gender. The advantage (and sometimes the problem !) of the bi's are that we can play at the same time "on both pianos".

So I never really "came out ". I lived with my rents till I was 18. I was the war. We lived in Geneva, a town entirely surrounded by German troops in occupied France, with just a small corridor of 2 miles connecting us to the remaining part of Switzerland. My father was away from home, in the Army as all Swiss men, we were expecting any time the invasion of the German troops, which would mean death for the whole family (we are Jews!), and so my rents had a lot of other problems to solve. So I could live almost of my own and I didn't need to tell my double nature.

From 14 to 20, still "in the closet", I had several very close boyfriends (one after the other) and I was very shy with girls. Later, during my College years, I was away from home, free to be myself without interfering of my rents. With 21, I lived in a "commune" with boys and girls,and met a girl who became my wife and with whom I'm still happily living since soon 58 years (we had 4 children, I say "had" because 2 are already dead ). My wife is very open-minded, I had a lot of travel opportunities far from home so I could live a double life and had during the same years several boyfriends (as other straight people have "mistresses"), some of them very dear friends ,some just for fun. I'm not very religious, I live in an open gay friendly country, and the people around me know me well and take me as I am : " a ship sailing either with sails or with motors (as we say in French : "naviguer

[old bob]

How wonderful

Thanks for your kind words .

[LongGone]

Good luck! I hope it all goes very smoothly

There was a group of five people I told. And I gave them all of it: the good, bad, and the ugly. Four of the five have been downright supportive despite the stuff I had to tell them. The fifth? Oddly silent. Acting as if nothing happened at all. Quite unusual. Like I said nothing. Not sure what to make of it. I wish he'd say SOMETHING so I know he's not just pretending I didn't say it.

[Jack Frost]

I've been out with my parents since I was 17. Insert three years of drama. Now they don't care. I'm pretty much out now.

[Graeme]

There was a group of five people I told. And I gave them all of it: the good, bad, and the ugly. Four of the five have been downright supportive despite the stuff I had to tell them. The fifth? Oddly silent. Acting as if nothing happened at all. Quite unusual. Like I said nothing. Not sure what to make of it. I wish he'd say SOMETHING so I know he's not just pretending I didn't say it.

Sometimes people need time to process what they've been told. Hopefully it all works out in the end, and it's great that the other four people were very supportive.

[AFriendlyFace]

I've been out with my parents since I was 17. Insert three years of drama. Now they don't care. I'm pretty much out now.

Glad everything is okay now!

 

LOL, judging by that picture I saw of them in the other thread, they certainly looked like the friendly, accepting sort

 

( )

 

There was a group of five people I told. And I gave them all of it: the good, bad, and the ugly. Four of the five have been downright supportive despite the stuff I had to tell them. The fifth? Oddly silent. Acting as if nothing happened at all. Quite unusual. Like I said nothing. Not sure what to make of it. I wish he'd say SOMETHING so I know he's not just pretending I didn't say it.

 

Sometimes people need time to process what they've been told. Hopefully it all works out in the end, and it's great that the other four people were very supportive.

 

I completely agree with agree Graeme. Sometimes it does just take people a little while to process things. At the same time though, I'd also like to mention that if you let him, he really might pretend you'd never said it. That's also human nature when someone doesn't know how to deal with things. Now that you have said it, be casual about it, but keep it "on the table" so to speak. You don't have to "throw it in his face" every five minutes, but I do recommend making appropriate references etc. when sexuality/dating/relationships/gay issues comes up. If you're able to show him that it's something you're comfortable with, something you're willing to discuss casually, and generally something you feel positively about, then there's a good chance he'll take that cue and treat it more casually himself. That's just my advice though; take it with a grain of salt

 

Anyway four out of five people is great and it's a big plus that the fifth person isn't being hostile about it at least

 

 

Take care all,

Kevin

Edited March 12, 2009 by AFriendlyFace

[Mark M]

Are we talking about me not being hostile about comming out?? well i have some definitions so make for myself yet, am i to be a bystander in gay rights? or fight for them?? i'm not entirly sure, because that's is a boatload of trouble. Plus sadly no1 else in my family is gay so yeah, and with a dad as a widower...i'm not sure the fact "no grandchildren" No wedding with a white dress...but maybe two black suits...will go over so good.....I duno i still don't even really believe in gay marrage yet either, like sure...maybe in a couple of months/years i'll come around...but still it's reffered to as a partner legally, not a husband...(meaning partner, spouce..).

 

Back to the dad issue he's been partially blind (Due to his eyelids closing on him) for the past 6 years (or that's when he quit driving), then my mom took over, untill i had my learners, then i drove literally EVERYWHERE lol. Then two years ago my mom passed away cuz she had bipolar...whiich is a horrible deasease!! hate it hard core, only cuz she took her own life tho...saddening...but i wasn't to attached to her at the time anyway, because myself i'm entirly about the music and the arts, and the computer! so in her "Bipolar" or "Manic" Stats she wouldn't watch t.v, she wouldn't do her regular everyday "Normal stuff" so she pestered me over school alot...like a grade 6er doing 4 hours of homework? comon....course in her last years i would be on the computer doing whatever, video gaming with friends or something and she sits beside me and looks around awkwardly....i turn down my music in case she needs to talk about something.....but nothing really....she did that quite a bit, i told her to go watch t.v or go out or something, didn't really notice that she was having problems with the Depression or anything, but after she'd leave me she went to bug my dad in his room...(Workshop area in the basement, as my comp was on the other end of the basement) and he painted paint by numbers (and we have like 50 in our house) or worked on puzzles of no less then 1,000 (which we also have like 50) and he'd tell her to go watch t.v or phone someone. But alas my attachment drifted because she was just pissing me off more and more...which is sad in a way...Never told her i was gay before she passed.

 

As for my dad well he's good and all but my childhood was plaqued with so much sickness that i'm just sick of him being sick i guess, and frankly don't really have an attachment to him...problem is, he is Financing my College life at the moment....and doing it all on my own if he does decide to go postal (which i don't think he would, but the relationship would change) and cut me off entirly...would be hard to deal with...

 

But that's my story of why i'm basically not out to my dad....and i still don't really get what you mean by Hostile? am i suppose to deny who i am? i've known for about 5 years i was gay...well 3 years ago i knew for sure i was gay, because i didn't have no idea what feelings i had 5 years ago...anything made me horney haha

[AFriendlyFace]

Hey Mark

 

Are we talking about me not being hostile about comming out??

No, that wasn't what I meant at all. Sorry for the confusion. I was actually only referring to the fact that at least WriteByMyself's fifth friend - the one who didn't overtly support his being gay - wasn't being hostile to him or the issue of sexuality.

 

well i have some definitions so make for myself yet, am i to be a bystander in gay rights? or fight for them?? i'm not entirly sure, because that's is a boatload of trouble. Plus sadly no1 else in my family is gay so yeah, and with a dad as a widower...i'm not sure the fact "no grandchildren" No wedding with a white dress...but maybe two black suits...will go over so good.....I duno i still don't even really believe in gay marrage yet either, like sure...maybe in a couple of months/years i'll come around...but still it's reffered to as a partner legally, not a husband...(meaning partner, spouce..).

Those are indeed really complicated issues! I'm a pretty outspoken proponent of full gay rights, but my position evolved gradually over years, and will probably evolve still further. I could be wrong, but I suspect your stance on these issues might change or develop over time too. I don't mean that to imply that your positions aren't sophisticated or developed now either. I think that it's natural and positive for people's positions to evolve as they continually reexamine the issues and their feelings and thoughts on them. I think that continual reevaluation is good. It's stagnation of thought and a refusal to listen to other points of view with a fresh ear that I find troubling.

 

Eh, just me and my thoughts though

 

Back to the dad issue he's been partially blind (Due to his eyelids closing on him) for the past 6 years (or that's when he quit driving), then my mom took over, untill i had my learners, then i drove literally EVERYWHERE lol. Then two years ago my mom passed away cuz she had bipolar...whiich is a horrible deasease!! hate it hard core, only cuz she took her own life tho...saddening...but i wasn't to attached to her at the time anyway

 

Oh Mark, I'm so sorry. I know you said you're doing fine, and I'm sure you are (you certainly seem well-adjusted), but that must have been very difficult nonetheless and it sucks that you and your parents were in those difficult circumstances.

 

Bipolar disorder is a very sad and difficult condition. Through my own very limited experience with people who have it I can readily identify with how tempting it is to try to close yourself off from them so that they can hurt your feelings or make you feel sad with their sadness. However, in my own experiences with such people at least, that emotional separation from those around you is tough, and it's really a no-win situation. I couldn't imagine having to go through that with one of my own parents, and it's even so much sadder because of what ultimately happened. I'm so sorry for the paint that must have caused and I'm even more impressed by you resilience and strength.

 

because myself i'm entirly about the music and the arts, and the computer! so in her "Bipolar" or "Manic" Stats she wouldn't watch t.v, she wouldn't do her regular everyday "Normal stuff" so she pestered me over school alot...like a grade 6er doing 4 hours of homework? comon....course in her last years i would be on the computer doing whatever, video gaming with friends or something and she sits beside me and looks around awkwardly....i turn down my music in case she needs to talk about something.....but nothing really....she did that quite a bit, i told her to go watch t.v or go out or something, didn't really notice that she was having problems with the Depression or anything, but after she'd leave me she went to bug my dad in his room...(Workshop area in the basement, as my comp was on the other end of the basement) and he painted paint by numbers (and we have like 50 in our house) or worked on puzzles of no less then 1,000 (which we also have like 50) and he'd tell her to go watch t.v or phone someone. But alas my attachment drifted because she was just pissing me off more and more

Aww, how sad

 

Don't blame yourself though, and don't let your dad blame himself either. Bipolar disorder can be extremely confounding to the people around the victim and remember that it's always easier to see the warning signs in retrospect than whilst in the moment. In the moment, it's difficult to get the perspective necessary to take a fresh look and it's only natural and expected that instead people tend to adjust and just focus on coping with the situation on a daily basis. I'm sure you and your dad both did your best just to get through it.

 

...which is sad in a way...Never told her i was gay before she passed.

 

Well, I can definitely see how you'd be a bit sad that you never got the opportunity to show her the full and real you. However, at the same time, it sounds like your identity as a gay person wasn't even fully worked out at the time, and your actual manifestation of being a gay person and leading a gay life certainly hadn't begun. So it sounds like she knew the expression of you and your identity that was most relevant at the time.

 

As for my dad well he's good and all but my childhood was plaqued with so much sickness that i'm just sick of him being sick i guess, and frankly don't really have an attachment to him...

Yeah, it sucks that you've had to deal with that. Of course it isn't his fault, nor was it your mother's, but it's definitely understandable that you'd feel like the situation is/wasn't fair; it really wasn't. I think everyone deserves to grow up in a healthy home without having to worry about their parents' health. It's really sad that for some people that isn't a reality.

 

problem is, he is Financing my College life at the moment....and doing it all on my own if he does decide to go postal (which i don't think he would, but the relationship would change) and cut me off entirly...would be hard to deal with...

Well, then despite generally encouraging GLBT people to come out as much as possible, I'd actually advise you to keep waiting awhile longer. You definitely shouldn't do anything that would threaten your safety or security (even if that security is of an educational/financial aspect as opposed to a physical type). It also sounds like you have your hands full dealing with stuff as it is. So please don't come out if you don't feel ready or feel like you're in any sort of potentially precarious state! (and conversely let me add: please do come out as soon as you do feel ready and are assured of a safe and stable future without physical, educational/financial, or severe emotional consequences).

 

But that's my story of why i'm basically not out to my dad....and i still don't really get what you mean by Hostile?

Thanks for sharing that with us. It really gave me alot to think about! And yeah, sorry about the mix up with the hostile thing, as I said I meant that for writebymyself's situation.

 

am i suppose to deny who i am?

I am certainly always opposed to someone denying who they are. Except of course with the exceptions I mentioned above of being in a precarious situation and feeling uncertain about the consequences or generally not being ready.

 

i've known for about 5 years i was gay...well 3 years ago i knew for sure i was gay, because i didn't have no idea what feelings i had 5 years ago...anything made me horney haha

LOL! I know what you mean there! When I was in my early to mid-teens I was just plain sexual, no prefix (homo, hetero, bi, etc.) needed.

 

LOL, actually I'm still just plain sexual, but the urgency has diminished enough for me to pause and reflect on it a bit more.

 

Take care, dude

 

Have a great day all!

-Kevin

[Mark M]

Holy can i say i totaly love you??? lol!! Seriously everything i said you've said something nice, that's very encouraging! and i totaly agree with you!! on everypoint! lol, There's alot more of the situations i have to share someday and it'll come out on here over time probably, which i'm totaly fine with myself, other then i won't tell anyone my EXACT adress so they can hunt me down and kill me, cuz i'm sure this site has had a gay basher on here once or twice. NExt thing Phelps will be on here.

 

Yeah it's been a hard young life, but seems to be ok, and sadly yes i won't come out while my financial and post-secondary education is on the line. That's far to Valuable to give up...for coming out...for well...maybe no fun, maybe lots of it. Sucks tho, No first Kiss, No loss of Virginity and i'm almost 20 the sexual prime of a male...saddening if i'm single through it all...and i sure am getting tired of being closeted. But hey it will come eventually Sucks tho i worked at a bible camp...as a Junior counselor....turning out to be gay and that getting back to the camp might make legal issuse arise...unless Canada's Equality Bill is totaly True...

 

Yes Urgency has dimisnished for me too when i was younger i could orgasm like 5 times in a row...now it's like 1....rejuvinate for at least 20 min...and even then...hard as hell...lol . Although i think if i ever get kissed by another guy i'll do it right there in my pants "Jizz in my pants=funny song"

 

Anyway i gotta get some Stats actually done...i've sat on here for about 3 hours haha Discovered GA Chat lol

[Jack Frost]

Glad everything is okay now!

 

LOL, judging by that picture I saw of them in the other thread, they certainly looked like the friendly, accepting sort

 

( )

I wish those were my parents. I would have 100% control on their behaviour.

[Former Member]

I came out at age 16. There were several reasons:

 

1. I was done figuring it out. I was absolutely sure: I'm bi.

2. I wanted my best friends (I told them first, by the way), my parents and my little brother to know about it.

3. I didn't even think of keeping it a secret. It's never been a big deal to me, so why hide it?