[Cia] Escaping the Pain

[Cia]

I was reminded that I had not started a forum topic for this story. If there is interest in talking about the story or any questions I'm more than willing to read and spill, well, as long as it doesn't spoil anything I hope everyone reading is enjoying the story so far, I have really appreciated getting all the comments and reviews on it. And just so everyone knows my plan is to keep posting fairly regularly, I have several chapters done ahead of where I am posting in that effort. I hate long breaks in stories so I will endeavor not to inflict any of those on you guys!

[LJH]

Hi Cia, as you know by now I read and review whilst listening to music. During the course of reading your novel, I listened to some LIVE stuff, like Heaven, and I Walk The Line and Nobody Knows - all good stuff doe the age group you are writing about, but, as it so happened, as I got to and into the accident scene ( and subsequent hospital scenes), the most beautiful music played for me, Adagio For Strings, OP 11 - Eugene Ormandy conducting the Philadelphia Orchestra. Your writing, and this music, blew me away.

 

It dawned on me, this is a sad tale of loss, a tale of joy, a tale of courage and discovery. Whenever sorrow comes home to one of us, and Tap is in touch with Dane's sorrow, you (the writer) are aware that we pride ourselves upon the opposite conduct. that is, we glory in being able to endure calmness, because, in our estimation, this behaviour called calmness, is manly. Tap feels this behaviour. He is calm, to a point, and logical. This is what makes him more of a man than Dane or even Tap's own father.

 

In every day life, we have calamities of our own, but in Dane's case, his troubles are forced upon him. He hungers for the calmness, so he indulges in the privelege of weeping and bewailing himself because it is nature to covet this satisfaction. And, in the case of love, and anger, and all the mental sensations of desire, grief and pleasure which your characters aspire to, your writing waters and cherishes these emotions. You satisfy the link between trhe tragic emotions of pity and fear, and Tap is the cathartic instrument for Dane. The emotion of pity in your work is not to be confused with crass sentimentality. Violence is not crass. Dane's tragic protagonist is not a pitiful figure, his father is. And he comes across as a cowering derelict, if this was your intention, you have succeeded admirably. Throughout this work, the element of empathy is central. This reader enjoyed a vicarious experience with your tragic protagonist and your hero in Tap. Fear is also experienced vicariously, the fear that some of us may some day be in Dane's position.

 

I'm not going to elucidate on points of story telling here. Those I keep for the struggling writer. In any event, there is no need to discourse upon those elements. You have mastered them. But don't stop, we all lose something along the way. For now, I am satisfied that you took me on a journey, and in story telling, the journey is the most important aspect.

 

This tale is well told, (there are gremlins but these you will see and expunge), and deserves accolades.

 

Until next time

Louis J

 

 

[Cia]

Wow, 90 views and yet you are the first to leave a comment, Thanks Louis. I am really glad you are enjoying the story. If I had to pin the story down to a 'theme' it would be courage under fire. There are so many ways that a person can react to adversity in life, be it a loss, abuse, neglect. How we act under those influences and how we react say a lot about a person. The ability to endure, to keep your 'self' intact and to show true grace of heart and soul is something that not everyone will come to know in their lifetimes but anyone who has will understand the message I have tried to place within the story.

 

That being said, Dane and Tap's story wasn't planned out really. I started with the germ of an idea and the first chapter, intending this to be a truly 'short story'. 15 chapters and almost 60,000 words in, the story has unfolded in much more rich detail and emotion that I ever expected. The characters truly came to life for me and I think that has come across to the readers as well.

 

You are right, Dane is not meant to be read as a weak person who allows others to abuse him because he is a wimp but because he knows there are some battles that are simply futile to engage in. He endures quietly, making his plans and doing his best to live the life he cannot currently change. He's become inured to the violence though it does not fail to hurt him, physically and emotionally each time it occurs. There is a sort of fatalistic acceptance a person achieves when faced with that sort of day to day abuse. That is where comes in.

 

Tap has lived a good life, but instead of that making him oblivious to other's emotional states it has made him more aware. His parents instilled within him a need to reach out to others, to share the joy and fire he has for life with the people he surrounds himself with. He's well known and liked, a popular person who could easily be cocky and full of himself. Instead he sees Dane and instantly recognizes the pain he is in and tries in his own big, blustery way to make it better. He is quietly thoughtful in the many small ways that truly mean something.

 

 

As a pair they both bring something that the other needs. They are more together than the sum of their two parts alone. There are still challenges to come but that is what makes us appreciate the truly good moments in life. That is another of the main aspects of this story. I truly hope everyone continues to enjoy it.

Edited September 9, 2010 by Cia

[Andrew Q Gordon]

Cia,

 

First - I hate you today - I got so wrapped up in this I stayed up til 1:15 and I had to be up at 5:45 for work. So of course I was silently blaming you all day for me being miserable - thought I did enjoy this immensely or else I would have gone to sleep.

 

Normally I find the 'has no redeeming qualities parent/spouse/guardian' character to be over done - almost cartoonish or slapstick. But I didn't get that feeling when I kept reading about dad. What I like is how you slowly let out bits and pieces of his inner workings - his wife's death seems at first to be the catalyst but we learn later it is her money he secretly is trying to. We know he hates gays - especially if it is his own kid - this along with other pieces makes his attitude toward Dane feel real. I am glad you didn't rely on the trite - he only does this when he is drunk routine. Hence it was believable.

 

It was pretty clear after a little bit that Tad was more than being friendly. But even then it was handled very well his progression from just met to friend to concerned friend to bf.

 

Okay nuff patting Cia on the back for such a great story - I am still madder than a wet hen for being kept up last night

 

Here is my one gripe - the constant switching of perspective. You stay with third person POV but you are using the 3rd person unlimited and it gets confusing. Now as we both know unlimited is NOT a literary faux pas, I just found it hard at times to follow whose thoughts we were getting. Hence the reason 3rd Party Unlimited is so hard to do and most stick with 3rd Party Limited. If I were so tired I would point you to specific scenes but the hospital to the end, were you have Tad, Dane, Neri, Mom and Dad Leeran. Typically it is best to stick to one person's perspective in a scene. - and you do that for most of the story but then there are spots where you switch with every paragraph. If you don't know what I mean I will hunt them down and point them out.

 

Now, as I said before there is nothing wrong with unlimited, but I find it hard to follow. I think you can convey most if not all the emotion by showing not telling us - which is what we are getting when you shift to the minds of different characters - you are telling us their thoughts and emotions.

 

Okay I blabbed on enough. Before you flame me up one side and down the other, let me go get my retardant suit and some salve.

 

Andy

[Cia]

No, I do know what scenes you mean and I can understand the problem. I have been fighting with this because in so many ways it's hard to stick to just one because we need all the picture but I hate the switching pov back and forth per chapter, going over the same material writing style. Tell you what, this story is winding down on my part but I will check the chapters I've yet to post and the ones I've yet to write to try and eliminate those issues. As the writer I have these guys and the story in my head so it's not confusing for me so someone letting me know that it isn't quite as clear and understandable for the reader is helpful.

 

Thank you for the compliment. I happen to think that keeping someone up when they desperately need sleep is one of the signs of a great story. Unfortunately/Fortunately I have had that happen to me time and time again, both in actual books and online stories. I too cursed the writer a bit the next day when I had to prop my eyes open with toothpicks The coffee pot even got used a time or two. I actually happen to like hating viilians but I always want them to be 'good' ones, if that makes any sense. Alan Kendricks, Dane's dad, is so much more than a villian to me. He's a character, he has feelings, needs, wants and thoughts that need to be shared. I think what makes the villian laughable in so many stories is that we see their violent or damaging actions and how they affect the main character. Then often we get the justification in some sort of monologue or 'let's redeem the bad guy' scene but that's it. They are their actions and the reaction those cause, not a real character. I want to show snapshots of Dane's dad, through both his own eyes and through Dane's. We get his actions and their affect on Dane and the others around him but we also get to see him, why he does or feels those things and how that affects him. I want a full fleshed 3D character, not a figurehead for the reader to hate without reason.

 

Now... time for the flaming! Tad? Tad? Who is Tad? I thought I was quite clever in making him Tap, backward Pat, short for Patrick, as he is a Junior of his father but I didn't want to make the names too similar. You loved the story but used the wrong name? I just might have to hurt you!! lol, jk. I too mess up names from time to time. Honestly, I really appreciate the compliments and the feedback and the time it took for you to both read the story and let me know what you thought. Hugs!!

Edited September 17, 2010 by Cia

[Andrew Q Gordon]

Now... time for the flaming! Tad? Tad? Who is Tad? I thought I was quite clever in making him Tap, backward Pat, short for Patrick, as he is a Junior of his father but I didn't want to make the names too similar. You loved the story but used the wrong name? I just might have to hurt you!! lol, jk.

 

 

Bares neck and puts head on chopping block.

 

In my meager, lame defense I am dyslexic and while I knew it was Pat spelled backward - i.e. his dyslexia - I kept spelling it Tad and thinking it was Tap. Another symptom of being too tired - [see how I shifted this back on you some how ]

 

Just a follow up. I appreciate the need to use different perspectives - I am trying to be careful not to say POV because there are only three types of POV 1st person, 3rd person and Omniscient - and you never stray from your 3rd Person POV - and when you do it in different scenes - i.e at TAP's house or at the wife's lawyer's office, or in jail, it is fine - more than fine it is necessary. My only issue was when you did it mid scene - which is not that often. Again it is not wrong.

 

As for winding down - huh? There is so much left to tell us! This can't almost be over - I forbid it :mace:

 

Chat soon

 

Andy

[Andrew Q Gordon]

So here I am back for our 'private' chat Seriously, I suppose it is wishful thinking but I keep hoping that if people keep seeing the different authors' stories come up for discussion peeps will stop by to read and maybe comment? Perhaps what I need to do is write a scathing attack on someone's work that is completely off based and wrong just to prompt people to flock to the author's defense. But of course that would tick off a lot of people who would then either not respond to me or trash me. Oh well

 

On to the latest chapter. I know this was more of a bridge chapter, designed to fill in some more background on our love birds, but I still really liked it. The end was sweet - bout time poor Dane had a few days of nothing but nice people around him. However, when I first read it, I had this nagging feeling the nurse was there to hurt him - i.e. dad put her up to it, Maybe because of how the chapter started, but then I realized it was not that and she just was a sweet woman whose heart ached for the poor kid who was so hurt.

 

So then I went back and read that part again and all was good in my world.

 

One comment - not it falls under criticism - maybe more of a spoiler so I will treat it as such to protect your readers who venture over this way [snort, chuckle, laugh - sorry]

 

 

 

 

- the small blurb with mom's lawyer - it strikes me that he is on to Alan, was from the start and that somewhere along the way he is going to be the white night Dane needs to fend off his dad's evil designs. IF that is the case, you probably shouldn't have included this scene. I had an inkling the lawyer was going to be there for Dane, but now I feel more certain this is the unknown protector - it might be more powerful at the end for him to show up and just do it without our getting the hint it would happen. Again, that is just if he is going to play a role in the end and it seems he will. Of course it is really easy for me to say this, but I have the subtly of an anvil on the top of the Coyote's head when it comes to 'dropping hints.' So maybe you want to keep that in your back pocket til the end since you are letting us know Alan is scheming.

 

 

 

 

Nice chapter over all, as much as I like Dane - and who wouldn't he is truly a sweet kid - I think I like TAP more - he is just such a kind wonderful kid in an innocent sort of way - the ones you want to meet and marry.

[Nephylim]

My big thing with the latest chapter was the sense that there were schemes within schemes and people up to all sorts of things in the background Maybe that was just me but by the time I got to the end of the chapter I was suspecting everyone of being up to something... even poor old Denise.

 

I keep expecting Dane to find himself being dragged from his bed, or drugged or brainwashed or SOMETHING, because I just KNOW that something is going to happen but I don't know where it is going to come from.

 

 

YAY

 

 

[Benji]

My big thing with the latest chapter was the sense that there were schemes within schemes and people up to all sorts of things in the background Maybe that was just me but by the time I got to the end of the chapter I was suspecting everyone of being up to something... even poor old Denise.

 

I keep expecting Dane to find himself being dragged from his bed, or drugged or brainwashed or SOMETHING, because I just KNOW that something is going to happen but I don't know where it is going to come from.

 

 

YAY

 

 

 

.............I agree that the other shoe is going to drop! Alan is going to attempt to kill Dane while he is still in the hospital but...

Mr. Echels has already foreseen this and has hired a private security for Dane. As to where Dane winds up after leaving the hospital! Tap's home of course

Great chapter Cia!!

Edited September 25, 2010 by Benji

[Cia]

Okay, first off, I shall not be giving any spoilers so as to whether or not any of you are right or even half right or so far off base it's making me snicker is not going to be shared. However, I LOVE that you guys are all reading this and thinking of what is coming and being so creative with the way you think the plot will go. If it wasn't already written who knows what might be happening?

 

I know this was more of a bridge chapter, designed to fill in some more background on our love birds, but I still really liked it.

 

In some ways Quonus, you are right. I did write a chapter in which not a lot happens, sort of a filler. But in order to fulfill the plot to come the reader needed some snapshots of what other people in the story were doing and what was going on. As for your spoiler... I already told you that the lawyer isn't the rescuer, at least in the way you think but what role he plays will be important. I will remember what you said though, about not being too obvious about who the really good guys will be, other than Dane and Tap of course. Btw, how did I do on the perspective shift? When going over the story again and working through the edits from my beta reader I tried to keep that in mind.

 

My big thing with the latest chapter was the sense that there were schemes within schemes and people up to all sorts of things in the background

 

Exactly! That is exactly what I wanted to have come across I am really glad that it did. And like I said in my response to your review, reading your work, almost always masterpieces of tension and the unexpected twist has really been an inspiration!

 

.............I agree that the other shoe is going to drop! Alan is going to attempt to kill Drew while he is still in the hospital but...

As for your spoilers Benji, I say, umm... No comment Oh, btw, who is Drew? Tsk Tsk...

 

Thank you guys so much for commenting and taking an interest in the story to share your thoughts and opinions!! I really do appreciate it.

[Benji]

 

As for your spoilers Benji, I say, umm... No comment Oh, btw, who is Drew? Tsk Tsk...

 

Thank you guys so much for commenting and taking an interest in the story to share your thoughts and opinions!! I really do appreciate it.

 

............Hmmm, Drew is my Realtor, who chose the time to call me as I attempted to multitask and respond to your story. Obviously I failed!!

[Andrew Q Gordon]

Chapter 14 was interesting more for what it didn't say than for what it did. By that I mean, for most of the chapter it was a furtherance of the bond between the two - and more of Dane's fears. It is interesting, in a good way, how given time to reflect on things without the impending sense of fear - has changed Dane's thoughts about what he fears. That might not be as clear as I want it to be, so let me try it this way. When he was at home, the sense of dread was still there, but it was tempered in part by his fear that Dad was gonna walk in at any minute to beat the snot out of him. In the hospital, the same basic fear exists - his father - but it is a bit more remote given his Dad can't visit. And yet, he is still in fear of going home again, just like before.

 

 

As I said above, what this chapter didn't address has me nervous. Dad is lurking, manically I might add. What is he doing - you are not telling us Cia - darn you. All this kissy huggy stuff is nice, yeah yeah yeah but c'mon, what is the nasty old antagonist doing - what are you doing? Trying to build suspense hehehe.

 

Seriously, I like the absence of it, it adds to the build up to what we suspect is coming.

 

I also liked the info on Tap. Showing us a bit about his day - or better said his other interests besides Dane. But it raises a question - I assume the team knows Tap is gay, and I assume they know there is more to Dane than 'just a friend' so to paraphrase a certain author's comment on my story - what straight guy asks to hang out with a gay teammate and his boyfriend?

 

Then again maybe I am missing something or there is something more to this. Guess I will find out soon enough?

 

Andy

[Cia]

Actually I don't think that Tap could have stayed in the closet if he wanted to. Some people are just open and unable to hide who they are inside. I think that is the type that Tap is. The whole situation regarding Tap being gay and his teammates reaction will be told, so I won't spoil that, sorry Can I ask you a quick question though? What makes you assume that Dave is straight??

[Andrew Q Gordon]

But it raises a question - I assume the team knows Tap is gay, and I assume they know there is more to Dane than 'just a friend' so to paraphrase a certain author's comment on my story - what straight guy asks to hang out with a gay teammate and his boyfriend?

 

Then again maybe I am missing something or there is something more to this. Guess I will find out soon enough?

 

Andy

 

 

Actually I don't think that Tap could have stayed in the closet if he wanted to. Some people are just open and unable to hide who they are inside. I think that is the type that Tap is. The whole situation regarding Tap being gay and his teammates reaction will be told, so I won't spoil that, sorry Can I ask you a quick question though? What makes you assume that Dave is straight??

 

Oh you tricky minx, you think you are SOOOOO clever with that last commnet BUT [This is the aha moment ] read the part I highlighted and remember who you were speaking about when you made the 'what straight guy does that.' comment and you will see what I was implying

[Benji]

Actually I don't think that Tap could have stayed in the closet if he wanted to. Some people are just open and unable to hide who they are inside. I think that is the type that Tap is. The whole situation regarding Tap being gay and his teammates reaction will be told, so I won't spoil that, sorry Can I ask you a quick question though? What makes you assume that Dave is straight??

 

...............Great chapter, I have agree with Andy that Dane's father is not going to let this go. Why do I get the feeling that Charlie is more then just a health care provider? Maybe a martial arts expert too. Mr. Echels is aware that Dane's father is a violent man, speaking of which? Where is the police investigation going?

[Andrew Q Gordon]

So why is it that amidst so much happiness - the blossoming romance between Tap and Dane - that I hear ominous music playing in the background??? UGHHHHH!!!!!

 

Okay so I am not THAT frustrated, in fact I am rather engrossed; far be if from me to expect sweet and sappy with out a whiff of conflict from Ms. CIa

 

It is an interesting twist on things that Dane is more concerned with being out than Tap, who is the big Jock. I think you handle Dane's situation quite well, showing us his angst amidst so much confusion and upheaval in his life. Brett's razing of the pair is priceless. Sounds like that is almost biographical, perhaps?????

 

One tiny little bit - and this is more professional nit picky that anything else. Alan Kendrick's trial would NOT have to be put on hold, there is no jurisdiction in the country that is that quick to trial. Most cases wouldn't come to trial for 4-6 months or more when the person is released on bond. Like I said, just me being a dork. The idea that the police are still looking for something is interesting, though I sort of suspected that leaving the file where the Officer did is going to come back to haunt him. Not sure if I read too much into that but I am sure I will know soon enough.

 

 

Soooo now that you are on a posting roll, when do we find out what happens next?????

[Benji]

So why is it that amidst so much happiness - the blossoming romance between Tap and Dane - that I hear ominous music playing in the background??? UGHHHHH!!!!!

 

Okay so I am not THAT frustrated, in fact I am rather engrossed; far be if from me to expect sweet and sappy with out a whiff of conflict from Ms. CIa

 

It is an interesting twist on things that Dane is more concerned with being out than Tap, who is the big Jock. I think you handle Dane's situation quite well, showing us his angst amidst so much confusion and upheaval in his life. Brett's razing of the pair is priceless. Sounds like that is almost biographical, perhaps?????

 

One tiny little bit - and this is more professional nit picky that anything else. Alan Kendrick's trial would NOT have to be put on hold, there is no jurisdiction in the country that is that quick to trial. Most cases wouldn't come to trial for 4-6 months or more when the person is released on bond. Like I said, just me being a dork. The idea that the police are still looking for something is interesting, though I sort of suspected that leaving the file where the Officer did is going to come back to haunt him. Not sure if I read too much into that but I am sure I will know soon enough.

 

 

Soooo now that you are on a posting roll, when do we find out what happens next?????

 

As I said, this is a race between Alan and the cops, if the cops determine that this is a staged murder attempt by Alan, he will not be free for long. Alan on the other hand is so obsessed that he does not see clearly that his actions aided by his mother are going to cost him dearly. It has already cost him his job, his mother has to be displeased with him in his failures. Makes sense of his determined yet forlorn journey to his mothers home, the race is between the cops and Alan with Dane being the prize.

[Andrew Q Gordon]

Just when I am sure I know what Alan is going to do, I don't. Seems he is waiting now for the trial? What is he going to do, spit venom in Dane's face? Also it does seem his attorney is not exactly eager to go after Dane, sounds like he believes Dane was beaten - then again, a mountain of medical evidence does have that affect on one's thinking.

 

Two last comments, one story related one semi funny.

 

Dane's fear of being outed seems IDK off? I mean Tap is totally out, Tap is all over him, 1 +1 doesn't equal 5 so folks ought to figure it out. Of course, being in the closet is a one way ticket to Da Nile, as we never think we are as obvious as we are. While Dane might want to live in Da Nile, those who are close to Tap totally see it - sort of like Dave.

 

So, the humorous - or at least semi lame attempt at humor - Tap likes smaller built guys [Cia] Dane like's em big and burly [Mr. Cia - Josh right?] A big of self projection here???

 

Okay so I lied one last point - did you notice who my GA character crush would be??? If not go find the thread.

 

Andy

[Cia]

Sorry guys, I forgot to respond after last chapter and I didn't even see your post yesterday, Q. I will plead extremely limited net access this weekend, I had family visiting.

 

Okay so you both are sooo close and yet so far from where this is going. Alan's mother is a part of this whole thing Benji, of course. We'll see how you like the ending. Also, Q, I know that trials for things drag on endlessly usually with a lot of wait for them to actually start but I was trying to sort of 'up the stakes' for Alan. He only has a limited amount of time so that precipitates his actions sort of thing. So sue me (wait, don't. I'm sure you know all the tricks)

 

Also, okay, so yeah, I will admit, I've definitely got the whole size disparity thing in my relationship and I like it personally. It's come out in a few of my other stories as well.

 

People who know Tap totally see what's going on with Dane. Your point on denial is exactly Dane's problem. His denial about his situation with his father was the first place I pointed it out and this time is little different. Dane focuses on the worst that could happen and that allows him to suffer quite a bit to avoid it. Mentally and physically. We'll have to see if that changes by the end, I don't want to give too much away.

 

Awww, crushing on Tap. He's just a big ole teddy bear in my mind. A hot one of course but just so loveable. Fun, protective, rowdy and tender, he's kinda got it all. Gotta love literary license right?

[Benji]

Sorry guys, I forgot to respond after last chapter and I didn't even see your post yesterday, Q. I will plead extremely limited net access this weekend, I had family visiting.

 

Okay so you both are sooo close and yet so far from where this is going. Alan's mother is a part of this whole thing Benji, of course. We'll see how you like the ending. Also, Q, I know that trials for things drag on endlessly usually with a lot of wait for them to actually start but I was trying to sort of 'up the stakes' for Alan. He only has a limited amount of time so that precipitates his actions sort of thing. So sue me (wait, don't. I'm sure you know all the tricks)

 

Also, okay, so yeah, I will admit, I've definitely got the whole size disparity thing in my relationship and I like it personally. It's come out in a few of my other stories as well.

 

People who know Tap totally see what's going on with Dane. Your point on denial is exactly Dane's problem. His denial about his situation with his father was the first place I pointed it out and this time is little different. Dane focuses on the worst that could happen and that allows him to suffer quite a bit to avoid it. Mentally and physically. We'll have to see if that changes by the end, I don't want to give too much away.

 

Awww, crushing on Tap. He's just a big ole teddy bear in my mind. A hot one of course but just so loveable. Fun, protective, rowdy and tender, he's kinda got it all. Gotta love literary license right?

 

.......... I already figured that one out, someone had to pick up Allen from the crash site! Had to be dear old mom!

[Andrew Q Gordon]

Wow! Do I feel stupid. Despite everything Benji has said, until he spelled it out, I had no idea mom was involved like that. Talk about just not seeing the trees for the forest. Geez now he spoiled the surprise. Thanks Benji - JK.

[Cia]

LOL. Well I just don't see Alan... oh wait, that's a plot point I haven't explained yet. Suffice it to say Benji's right but you guys don't know how she's involved yet so at least that will still be an element yet to be discovered.

[Andrew Q Gordon]

CIa,

 

You once said I could say the good and the bad in here, so today I want to offer an observation that is not going to fall into the good category. But first the good.

 

Charlie has a girlfriend? Thank GOD!! Everyone can't be gay - but it does seem that in many of the stories - not all but more than a few - EVERYONE who is cute, or important, or new or whatever, is secretly, openly or whateverly gay. So thank you for that little twist because it sure seemed like you were hinting he was gay at first.

 

Oh Tap - if I were - er er , younger - yeah let's go with younger [hey no snickering and adding 'much' before that ] I would be so heart broken. Given Tap's [sneeze, Josh sneeze] taste for smaller guys like Dane [cough Cia cough] I would have no chance, given I was/am somewhere in between the two [tall and lanky was how i was described as a kid]. But this chapter just reasserts what a sweet - if somewhat naive - kid he is. Mature - whatever, he is just a nice guy.

 

Okay having sweet talked you a bit, time to get to the meh comment. I am not sure I like the Alan Kendrick point of view in the story and here is why.

 

On the one hand there is a sense of suspense - we know Alan is up to something but not sure what. I think that when writing, the author usually limits us to a single perspective or at most two. By giving us Alan's you are building the suspense on the one hand but ruining it on the other. Moreover, if we are getting his perspective, we should be able to get his entire perspective, not just snippets to build the suspense. I guess in a way it is the easy way out. It would be a lot harder to have either Tap or Dane see what they think is his father, or to have the attorney or someone tell Dane his dad is doing this or that.

 

By giving us snippets of the Dad's life, you are - well not cheating - but cutting corners or avoiding the work of doing it through the main characters. I think this is wrong for two reasons, the first is either we should get all his life or none of it. Sort of like Dane and Tap, we sort of get their whole life not just little, important snippets. But the other reason is we are supposed to be reading about this from one or possible two perspectives. If Dane isn't feeling this angst, neither should we. If Tap isn't aware of this, neither should we. In a way this is more like a TV or Movie script than a novel. This is how they do it on TV because it is easy and they have a limited amount of time.

 

It would be better for us to suddenly be shocked by Alan's actions and then get filled in after the fact. Then the clues you dropped along the way would make sense. Like the whole Shrub scene - perhaps Tap thought he heard or saw something when leaving. Or maybe Charlie asked Tap if he recognized Alan's car because it seemed to act odd, something like that. Instead you spoon feed us the suspense.

 

Obviously it is too late for this story, but it is something to consider when you write something else.

 

Then again, maybe I am just a whack job and you should ignore me. :wacko:

 

I still love this and I still wait for the chapter releases so please don't cut me off

 

Andy

[Cia]

Thanks for the sweet talk I am glad you like the story so far though you still have issues with some of it I wanted Charlie to be open and comfortable with the fact that Tap and Dane are gay. That tends to lead people to think in a story with gay main characters that anyone with that 'vibe' has to play for the same team. That's not necessarily true and I threw in the girlfriend just to hit on that point. I'm glad you caught it. I like to highlight different relationships in my stories, straight, bi, gay. The only close relationship you really see in this story other than Tap and Dane is Tap's parents though, so it's not as obvious.

 

I was going for third person omniscient in this story so that I could include the snippets from Alan's pov for just the reason you pointed out, to increase the suspense but not really hide it. I guess it might be considered cheating by some to reveal the plot in that way as the story moves along rather than to hint at it only and let the reader figure it out at the end. I am still new at writing though so I'm still trying out all different styles and plot options. I will take your comments for the next time I am working on something and keep them in mind.

 

Good and 'bad' (really, not bad at all) comments are always welcome. I really enjoy hearing people's take on the story and how they feel about the characters and the situations they are embroiled in. Critcism and tips for writing are always appreciated as well. I like to learn what works and doesn't work for my writing and the only way I really can get that is if people tell me. Thanks, Q.

[Ara]

Just gonna poke my head in, say im lovin it and that I eagerly look forward to the next chapters. I like the direction and pace your goin at and this certainly feels like the eye fo the storm to me, I get the impression its all gonna kick off soon ans several different points are gonna converge.

 

Anyway id offer you a cat Cia but im still grrrrrrrrrrrrring at you and im sure you know why hehe so instead ill just say keep it up im really enjoyin this story and if you behave i may bless you with a kitty in the future