Even Stars Die

[LJH]

Even Stars Die was born out of a long time desire to write a "coming out" or a coming of age story that I have never read before. Also, I needed to concentrate on characters other than my gay detective, Rain de Waal. I've been living wioth this characterfor a long, long time. Six years to be exact. My debut novel called "Revival" , featuring Rain as South AFrica's first gay literary detective, was published in 2006 and I've written two further novels featuring him as the main character. Time for change.

 

Even Stars Die is such a different book to anything I have ever written and I know I'm going to need help. So, any constructive crits, anything at all that doesn't seem to fit, please let me know. I usually edit my work to such an extent that every bit of fat is extricated, leaving the MS lean and digestible. I have sorted some headings out for you to follow if you have anything to add.

 

1: Characterisation

2:Dialogue

3:Setting

4:Point of view

5:Development

6:Pacing

7:Mechanics.

 

Any changes will be made immediately, and I hope that it allcomes out right.

 

Thanks

Louis J

 

Email me

[Heart]

louish6@gmail.com ; adam philips philips; sanjayb067

[AnytaSunday]

I wanted to talk just a little about chapter ten.

 

This is my favorite chapter so far, I mean, I've been enjoying the whole ride, but the elements of mystery that have come on subtly in the last few chapters that bloomed in this one, really grips me.

 

 

I have a suspicion that the reason Alex's last boyfriend got so violent, had something to do with the rub-off effects of Alex's, uh, power. What conflict! When Keegs started fighting Marx (lol, with the name, btw), I got a really bad feeling. I think it's going to be something Keegs will have to learn how to control and I am super curious how it will affect the two lovers.

 

One thing though, would this power Alex has make him stronger? Only, when I read the chapter, I thought about the second chapter, when Alex carries Keegs up the twelve steps and they joke about him being heavy. Would that happen? Hmmm, I'm curious to know what the rules are to it. I'm sure I'll find out soon enough.

 

 

Sweet, thanks for the read,

 

Anyta

[LJH]

hmmm - thanks for noticing - now are you ready for the heavy stuff that's coming - and romance and more mystery?

[AnytaSunday]

hmmm - thanks for noticing - now are you ready for the heavy stuff that's coming - and romance and more mystery?

 

Help, yes. Bring it on.

[Andrew Q Gordon]

Louis,

 

Okay, Alex's power was a shocker, I didn't realize this was a sci-fi story - or at least had an element of paranormal. Not a complaint, but i can't decide if it detracts from the story or not. I need to wait for the rest to be able to say one way or the other. Here is why I say this - and I hope you understand this is more me musing that bitching, I really like this so I am just blabbing

 

The notion that there are 'super' people like Alex opens a Pandora's box of questions that could threaten to overwhelm everything else if you need to delve into it too deep. OTOH, in you DON'T go into details, people start to say - 'well why didn't Alex do this or that?' I mean in theory Alex could 'gift' Keegan with enough power to win every race. Better than 'roids because it would be undetectable. I am guessing that the focus is going to be on their romance, with a strong presence of running. So whatever detracts from that is - well a distraction.

 

Now here is a comment that might be a tad bit critical - take it for what it is worth considering the source, i.e. someone not as talented as you. Thing progressed REALLY fast. Three weeks in, they are telling each other they love each other more than life (my words not yours), Keegs comes out to everyone, and that conflict is basically over. One reason I am NOT saying this doesn't work is the Alex factor. Alex seems to know who Keegan is, what he is, and is deeply in love with him almost without ever meeting him. There is a story there. There is more to Alex than even what you revealed so far. Now that we know about his powers, many things make sense. The healing, the fact he 'knows' all about Keegan, the comments about how he knows what a good person Keegan is, etc. Clearly there is something more we haven't learned. SO, with that as a back drop, it is possible for him - Alex - to be absolutely certain of his feeling given his greater knowledge of Keegan. Keegan's reaction would be unbelievable were it not for the certainty of Alex's feelings. So again, this can and does work so far, but you are going to need to flesh out Alex a bit more before the end to get me to say, 'yeah this was good and right.'

 

As for your questions, 1: Characterisation; 2:Dialogue; 3:Setting; 4:Point of view; 5:Development; 6:Pacing; 7:Mechanics. Let me answer the easy ones first. Dialogue, great, the characters speak as we expect them, their conversations are believable and useful, POV, what is there to say, this is perfect. Pacing, great, Mechanics, also great.

 

Setting - I left this off the easy list because it requires more than a few words. You do a great job of painting the setting. I mean I know this is in SA but it could be anywhere, and that is the point. The setting, while important, shouldn't command the story. So I like the details - even where I don't always understand them - like some of the words used. The food and drink is unique to the region so I like that you keep them as they would be in their setting.

 

Development - see my comments above about how fast things happened. I think that addresses this topic

 

Which leaves us characterization. I think you do a great job of dealing with Keegan, Alex, Coach, Marx and De Beers. Jean is okay, she is his best friend, so there might have been a few more scenes with her to flesh her out a bit more. Same with Patrick. Both were dealt with and well developed, just would like to know a bit more about both since these are his best mates. Perhaps more about is struggle to tell them but not. Then again, things move along quiet fast and it is hard to have time with your mates when you spend most of your time with your new love. So while I might like to see more, I am not sure exactly where to plug that in. BUT, if you could find a way, it would help flesh out both Keegan and Alex. A scene or two more with Jean and Keegan and perhaps a scene or two with Alex and Patrick would help give depth to both. After writing that, I am going to say, another Jean/Keegan scene is probably not needed. Her defense of him speaks volumes. It shows the depth of her character and her feelings. So maybe a Patrick/Alex scene to give us a bit more insight to both.

 

Okay last - spoiler time

 

 

 

Alex's knows something about Keegan's parents. Something they are hiding about the accident. When we read it, it just seemed a hunch, but now it is more. He knew Jean was going to text, knew Keegan had his meet and when he was leaving, knew what keegan was like - these are all manifestations of his powers. Thus when he inquires about Keegan's parents, he knows something, something terrible, something that took the family down the path to despair and ruin. Something that killed his father from the inside out.

 

I am interested to see what this is, because you wouldn't have mentioned it if it wasn't an issue - will it drive a wedge between Keegan and Alex? Destroy his relationship with Keegan and his parents? Will it help resolve the issues? Which way will Louis go

 

Finally, there is something odd about the Meyer family. Why did Alex run away? Why does he want Keegan to meet them but not meet them? Are they powerful too? Or is Alex's power the reason for the rift? You got a lot of explaining to do.

 

 

 

 

So I am hooked, now reel me in.

 

Andy

[LJH]

Hey Andy, you are right on all points. There is more to Alex than meets the eye, in this story, nothing is as it seems, except of-course, the love they feel for each other. keegs is new and fresh to the scene. He has yearned for this love, although a little overwhelming, all his adult life, and now that he has it, he doesn't want it to go away. Alex realises this, maybe Alex is playing him which would be a cruel twist of fate, but he isn't. Alex really really loves him. Hence he is so protective.

 

So Keegs has come out to Jean and the coach. What's left is a scene with his folks, and this will come. The question here is, will they accept? Jean has accepted, and Coach has accepted. Jean's presence hasn't come to an end, she's still useful, and Patrick will also reappear for one or two final scenes. The reason why everything happens so quickly, is because there is another subplot that will be appearing pretty soon. A shocker plot, but necessary in order to explain how Alex knows what he knows.

 

I wrote this story with an end in mind, now I need to twist things to get to that end and not make it sound all contrived.

 

Alex seems to know what Keegs does not. And the question is, will Keegs still love Alex after this. Can he love Alex after this? And what will Alex do, if he can do anything? I don't weant to spill the beans too quickly. But yes, there is a hell of a twist to this tale, and sopme readers may find it alarming, some may find it hair raising, but I hope there will be those who find it entertaining.

 

Thanks for the kind words re the mechanics. It is difficult to write in one person's point of view, and I have to remember this all the time. I am so tempted to change POV but I know that law doesn't allow me to because everything is in Keeg's POV.

 

Points well noted. Have a great read. I thoroughly enjoyed reading Second Shot. My story is way shorter than yours, but mine needs quicker action and reaction scenes.

 

Write on

Louis

Ps. I have no idea how to use this block quote thing. LOL eek

 

 

 

 

[Nephylim]

I love this story. It is new and different and explosed sometimes difficult areas. Your research and deatil is great and the people you create are real and three dimensional.

 

I may already have mentioned how awesome I think Alex is. I would love to know him in reality.

 

I love the twist that the story has taken with Alex having some kind o 'power', it just makes him even more hot to me. He is so sweet and protective but yes, there is a dark side that gives recent chapter a real edge. There is a definite sense of something no said, something done, something to come.

 

At the moment I have no idea what is going on in th background but I sure as hell want to. I am worried about Alex and I dont want him to get hurt. Of course I like Keegs too, he's a real sweetheart and I want him to have athletic success... but it wouldn't really bother me if he didn't as long as he would up with Alex.

[LJH]

<P> </P>

Edited October 10, 2010 by LouisHarris

[AnytaSunday]

Ohh, I seem to have missed when chapter eleven was posted. Must have been while I was on holiday.

 

Certainly things are twisting in this plot. I must admit, the first couple of chapters, I had a different feel/expectation where this story would go. I liked the slow hints about Alex and in the last few chapters this has come on much stronger.

 

I love a paranormal splash in stories, so this keeps me interested. However, I really liked the research that went into Keeg's condition, and I loved the exploration of how this affects his life. I guess I expected to see more of this. It will be interesting to meet Alex's parents though, and the story behind his life--is this ability he has passed down through the family? Do they know about it? How has it affected him? Will affect him?

 

Also, I'm really curious: From the beginning did you know the story would have this 'power' component? Or did this develop while writing?

 

Okay, this next bit may sound, ah, extremely odd if I'm wrong, so I'll put it in a spoiler:

 

 

Is Alex a star? Okay, so the idea came while reading the chapters and reflecting on the title. I have a funny feeling that our dear Alex might die... Well, I'm curious where you are taking us.

 

 

The writing is super easy to read, as always. Nice.

[LJH]

fishing lol. I know the ending - oh and one other person on this site knows it too. not saying that Alex will die. I don't like to kill off my characters. Not after I've worked so hard to create them. so there's no chance of that happening. But....LOL I'll leave it there. Thanks for reading. I'm glad you like the simplicity of the writing. I firmly believe in the economy of words, so the right word has to be used at all times. just my own finicky way. enjoy the read.

[Andrew Q Gordon]

fishing lol. I know the ending - oh and one other person on this site knows it too. not saying that Alex will die. I don't like to kill off my characters. Not after I've worked so hard to create them. so there's no chance of that happening. But....LOL I'll leave it there. Thanks for reading. I'm glad you like the simplicity of the writing. I firmly believe in the economy of words, so the right word has to be used at all times. just my own finicky way. enjoy the read.

 

Louis,

 

You need to be careful and very afraid now that Anyta has taken a shine to your tale. She is about as insightful a reader as you are likely to find - which is almost always a good thing. She will be sure to keep you on your toes.

 

I haven't had a chance to read the latest chapter but you can be sure I will make a comment or two - [maybe not appropriate comments but there will be something ]

 

Andy

[Andrew Q Gordon]

Louis,

 

I read Chapter 12 a few times - kept getting interrupted. One complaint before the stuff I like - the cheer in the airport?!? Total cheese Louis - total! Must have been a fantasy of yours lol.

 

Okay onward

 

I like Alex more and more. There is a moral center to him that matches Keegan's. We already knew Keegan was a good soul, but then he hints at Alex helping him. At first I thought he just wanted Alex there, not to 'help,' but for support. Then he says not he wants 'help'. At which point, Alex says that's not right and Keegan has to do it himself, adn that he can. Then at the end, before they leave for the airport. Keegan is back to just wanting Alex there for support. It was a nice transition for Keegan toward understanding what strength Alex really gives him.

 

 

I like the realism of your characters - team cheers aside. One thing I am struck with is how well you portray the depth Alex's affection for Keegan. Clearly Alex has been 'stalking' Keegan for a while. Stalking in the sense he has loved him from afar for quite some time. Now we never were told that, but you 'tell' us by how deeply he loves Keegan in so short a time. Keegan has some catching up to do, but he seems to be doing just fine. Amazing how quickly emotions can develop when they are allowed free.

 

Okay so I lied - here is a second complaint - the hint that bad things are coming??? You had to ruin a great moment with those comments? UGHHH!!

 

Just kidding - sorta kinda not really. Nephylim must be proud of her newest disciple.

 

Waiting for the next chapter.

 

Andy

[AnytaSunday]

Okay, I was a dumbo and refreshed during my last reply (dang that's annoying). Let's start again...

 

WHAT????!!!!

 

Well, I now know not to anticipate how your stories will evolve. (Who am I kidding? I'm bursting with ideas about where this is going--not all sane, mind you. Though after that chapter they may not seem so strange, lol.)

 

This was a fast paced chapter, full of action and snappy lines to move it along fast.

 

I have a question about the POV change--I mean, I see how it's important, but if you didn't have the introduction notes to the chapter, how would you introduce this? Just plunge into it. It is the second part, maybe that is enough? Will the entire Part Two be in the omniscient, third person? Personally, I find the omniscient difficult to settle into--so far, though, things flow well enough. Have you considered having this in a close third from Alex's perspective? Only I think the opportunity to get more into his head would be fascinating. But my guess is you don't want that closeness because it will give away too much that you need to come out slowly through Keeg's perspective.

 

Right. I have a question--this is curiosity. Thing is, I didn't understand this line: His home had been violated and soon that grin faded into anger.

Um, the term grin here perplexes me. I looked up in the dictionary again, making sure I hadn't missed a meaning. The closest I found was:

"the act of withdrawing the lips and showing the teeth, as in anger or pain." But if that was the case, isn't it a bit redundant for the grin to fade to anger, if the grin IS anger? I probably just don't get something--but I love to learn new ways to manipulate language, so please explain. Thanks.

Lastly, okay, that final line? Whoa--this is more than just lifting things with the mind!

 

Looking forward to the next chappy.

[Andrew Q Gordon]

Sweet Mother of Jesus Alex is one bad hombre :mace:- and to think I thought he was sweet and fetching. Not sure how Keegan is going to react living with Raging Bull.

 

That was some cold shit Louis, remind me not to mess with you either .

 

Not that I want to know the answer, but will you ever explain where Alex's power comes from??

 

Well the shit hit the fan now, lets see where it lands.

 

Since these are short chapters you will be posting more frequently, right?

 

Andy

[LJH]

<P> </P>

Edited October 16, 2010 by LouisHarris

[LJH]

Andy

Andy, Alex is not the bad guy, just protecting what's his. He has enormous powers and they need to come out in these next few short chapters. There are not many chaps left so the story is now building up to the ending climax. Peaking and then ending on a note of hope. Yes, Alex will be revealed. And so will the truth about the accident that left him without legs. Thanks for the read big guy. Appreciate your comments hey.

 

Anyta

Very pertinent observation. I'll change that sentence with the grin word. As for the rest, all I can say is read on, some of the best novels don't make sense until the last line. In these last few chapters, you will encounter Alex like you've never seen him before. And never will again. His powers just become so wild and almost unbelievable until the great reveal when all will be understood. The conclusion, I might add, is shattering, so prepare yourself.

 

About POV. Anita Shreve, in The Pilots WIfe, changes POV excellently and keeps doing it throughout her novel. I am attempting to do this POV change only once because these are scenes that Keegs cannot know about or see so he can't describe them. When he returns from Capetown in Part 3, the POV will change back to him and this will lead into the major climax at the end with a bried reaction scene slowing down the novel to it's inevitable end.

 

CIA

Your obsaervations are noted. I will change that scene where mother slaps Keegs. I have the right perspective now, thanks to you. It will drive the next scene between his parents and Alex, there is a lot to work on in the upcoming scenes between Alex and Keeg's parents. And I hope I will not leave you disappointed. About Keegs calling Alex Mr. Meyer, well, in the context of the scene, which is a poignant scene, Keegs says it softly and poignantly, almost singing it. Perhaps I should point that out in the scene itself. It's not said out of anger, but playfully.

 

Thanks for the great input guys, and please, don't hate Alex, he's more than just meets the eye. He's just a wonderful surprise that Keegs will chewrish for the rest of his life...

[Andrew Q Gordon]

Louis,

 

Finally! About time you started posting again - yes I know how much of a hypocrite that makes me but sue me - I'm a lawyer, bring it on tough guy

 

So that was - as promised - a short chapter but that set up quite a lot really.

 

So who is Alex really? Is he evil? Does he mean Keegan harm? Does he plan to stick around and take care of Keegan or is he just there for a purpose and then will disappear when he achieves said purpose?? No don't tell me, I can wait now that you have resumed posting - you aren't gonna disappear on us again are you??

 

And what about mom and dad?? What did they do to Keegan that has Alex so mad at them??

 

Okay, so please don't leave us hanging again, or at least warn us.

 

Andy

[Nephylim]

Oh GOD I love Alex. He's really got my pulses racing. I don't care if he is a good guy or a bad guy He's HOT.

[Heart]

alex is just hot, aside from his powers, he's extremely caring. Its gona take some getting used to, alex powers and is their relationship gona withstand these new revelations. part 2 was a shocker and it brought out the rough side of alex. definately need to reveal more of whats going on with alex. mooiskoot broer, ek vind jou veerhaal onveerstaanbaar. You've got your hooks into me, keep it there right till the end. One thing I'm scared of though, your comment about Keegs wishing he were dead by the end. what's that all about. Is alex gona just dissappear, saying that he needs to help somebody else or is Keegs gona be, physically be worse off than he already is. why do i get the impression that the relationship's not gona last. I hope i'm wrong. I'm enthralled

[LJH]

oh my gosh has it been so long?

[Nephylim]

It has indeed