Once a cheater, always a cheater?

[J_C_Lawrence]

Well, once is enough, twice is too much and thrice is overkill. That is my mantra in partners who cheats

 

I've been cheated three times and It's not the best feeling. I have never cheated in my life, and I think monogamy had always been rooted in my system to be faithful despite disconcerting odds. I have forgiven one out of the three guys that has cheated on me. But I always say to those who leaned towards infidelity...

 

"You will beg to come back, the moment I have already lacked the sense to care anymore as to what is happening in your life...in other words, I have moved on."

 

To which they did beg for forgiveness eventually, but it was too late - too late the hero or the ship has sailed.

 

The thing with cheating; people cheat for a reason. Either for sex, emotional fillers or an escape for the troubles that face the relationship. If the person is cheating due to sex, that could always be fixed. If the person is cheating because he wants to fill a certain void, then that could be settled by a therapist or a plain heart to heart communication that involves compromise on both parties....but if the person is cheating because he feels stuck in the relationship, then better think again because I think you may have just been dumped in the process. He just did not have the decency to end the relationship because he/she is a coward.

 

My professor in individual psychology once said that, infidels commit to a way of life of finding different partners because they are finding loopholes in a relationship for them to do so. If not, then one would not search for what he/she could find within the brackets of the relationship. Why fix what isn't broken, so in cheating terms..why seek something more when everything is already there, in front of you, being with you.

 

It's a simple logic to analyze why cheaters cheat, it's either, "Is he cheating because I cannot provide what he needed, that I could give, if only he had told me?" or, "Is he cheating because he feels that he is emotionally spent on the relationship?" or probably, "Is he cheating because he is emotionally dependent on me and I am independent of him?"

 

Because these types of cheaters are the psychological cheaters who think rationally of the reason why they commit infidelity. These types could either be mended or fixed to a certain degree, because their rationality for commiting such a deed depends on the case or situation of the relationship, if either they need to suffice a certain need or fill a void that temporarily, the other partner cannot.

 

As for those serial cheaters who cheat for the sake of bravado, something rooted in their system that their manliness is what gives them the right to cheat, that power associated with being the alpha in the relationship, these types are the dangerous ones. Because they are the reasons why many women and men, end up in loveless relationships. Just because even if the partner psycho-analyzes herself/himself as to why the other partner cheats, he/she could never find a reason...it is simply because the cheating partner can and wants to and therefore, does cheat along the way.

 

And as Spiderman has said, "With great power comes great responsibility..." If you are in a relationship, it is your responsibility to nurture and uphold that power, the power you have over someone who loves you. And if you abuse it....we all know what happens to people who are constantly abused on a daily basis - they crack eventually and if you are the one who is cheating...better run, because you may never know if your partner has had enough of your ways and decides to hack your weener to feed to the fishies.

 

 

Just a thought.

 

 

[TrevorTime]

I dated this bi-sexual guy in the past (Brian). I knew going into the relationship that he was bi and that he was also friends with this girl. And of course, the friendship with the girl turned into something more.

 

So naturally, I called his bluff and flat out told him that hey, this is not the way I play the game. So he promised to stop "doing" her. I mean, it's not like I gave him a hard time whenever he wanted a booty call with me. However, his faithful-ness only lasted about 6 months before he strayed again.

 

So that was the end of that and I kicked him to the curb. Even though he begged me to reconsider, it just wasn't going to happen. I've never cheated on any of the three boyfriends I have had in my life, so I expect the same treatment in return.

[K.C.]

I think that cheating on someone is one of the worst things you can do. All trust is gone and no matter how much you try to rebuild it or go on from there you can never get it back. I’ve never cheated and don’t believe I ever will, and I believe it’s because I know the pain from being cheated on.

 

My first serious boyfriend cheated on me and it turned out that everyone knew it but me. He begged me to forgive him and said he’d change but if he didn’t love me enough to stop himself in the first place then he mustn’t have loved me very much to begin with.

 

After that, I didn’t give anyone the opportunity to cheat on me again and started to guy hop a lot. I was always honest with them that I wasn’t settling down or looking for any “commitments.” That word just left me jaded.

 

If you don’t want someone 100%, if you are constantly thinking about the, “what if’s” then you shouldn’t be with that person. Set them free. Yeah it hurts like hell when you love someone and they don’t love you back but it’s easier to recover then the humiliation of being cheated on!

 

I’m pretty sure that my hubby would never cheat on me. He’s never cheated on any of his past relationships and that’s a good sign. We’ve been together now over 14 years and I’ve never had to question his faithfulness.

 

 

[hh5]

I dated this bi-sexual guy in the past (Brian). I knew going into the relationship that he was bi and that he was also friends with this girl. And of course, the friendship with the girl turned into something more.

 

So naturally, I called his bluff and flat out told him that hey, this is not the way I play the game. So he promised to stop "doing" her. I mean, it's not like I gave him a hard time whenever he wanted a booty call with me. However, his faithful-ness only lasted about 6 months before he strayed again.

 

So that was the end of that and I kicked him to the curb. Even though he begged me to reconsider, it just wasn't going to happen. I've never cheated on any of the three boyfriends I have had in my life, so I expect the same treatment in return.

 

so a BI+Gay doesn't always make a threesome?

and BI+BI doesn't make a foursome?

 

sounds like the story Kenny I read ...

[hh5]

If you don’t want someone 100%, if you are constantly thinking about the, “what if’s” then you shouldn’t be with that person. Set them free. Yeah it hurts like hell when you love someone and they don’t love you back but it’s easier to recover then the humiliation of being cheated on!

 

What-if you spent 70,000USD on him? sent him through college, (indirectly) supported his family

What-if his family now knows he cheated twice in his life

 

You still set him free still or do you work out differences?

[K.C.]

What-if you spent 70,000USD on him? sent him through college, (indirectly) supported his family

What-if his family now knows he cheated twice in his life

 

You still set him free still or do you work out differences?

 

 

I'msorry but I would still send him packing! It would hurt- If it happened right now I would be distroyed! We have a 12 year old child together, we have the house of our dreams, we've been working on starting a business together for the last 5 years...I love him more than anything...but if he cheated on me then nothing we have or have done would mean anything anymore!

 

But that's just me...I hope you make the right decision for you.

[TetRefine]

What-if you spent 70,000USD on him? sent him through college, (indirectly) supported his family

What-if his family now knows he cheated twice in his life

 

You still set him free still or do you work out differences?

 

I agree with KC. If you spent all that time, energy, and money on him, and he still cheats, he's not good and not worth your time.

[hh5]

Aren't you guys being a bit nice?

What-if the damages are much worst?

I'msorry but I would still send him packing! It would hurt- If it happened right now I would be distroyed! We have a 12 year old child together, we have the house of our dreams, we've been working on starting a business together for the last 5 years...I love him more than anything...but if he cheated on me then nothing we have or have done would mean anything anymore!

 

But that's just me...I hope you make the right decision for you.

 

I agree with KC. If you spent all that time, energy, and money on him, and he still cheats, he's not good and not worth your time.

 

[Michael9344]

I don't actually know because I haven't found myself in that situation. But I don't think I could remain in that relationship. I won't willingly remain in a relationship with myself if I cheated on me. It kinda upsets the balance in the relationship.

[rustle]

What-if you spent 70,000USD on him? sent him through college, (indirectly) supported his family

What-if his family now knows he cheated twice in his life

 

You still set him free still or do you work out differences?

 

 

If my partner cheated on me once, I wouldn't set him free. I'd set myself free, and kick his ass to the curb so hard and fast, he'd be bouncing a week from now. I'd rather spend the rest of my life alone than put up with that.

 

That's not "differences." I couldn't look at myself in the mirror if I put up with it.

[comicfan]

Let me put it this way, I've been through three relationships in my lifetime. The hardest and most destructive one to me emotionally was with a cheater. You live together, share your life, tell your secrets, hopes and desires. This is the person you trust, share bank accounts with, and share your bed with. Nothing prepares you for the moment you walk into your home and find your partner in bed with another.You now have a choice. You can accept his story of whatever reason he brought this person to your home, and your bed. OR you can pick up what is left of your pride, self respect, and life and move the hell on while you still have a chance. No one said it would be easy or fun.

 

HH you said you were out there looking for someone who you could trust. Doesn't sound like after he has cheated on you, you are truly ready to forgive and forget.

[Marzipan]

There are degrees in cheating. There are different types of cheaters. Some do it without thinking, some are not truly committed. Some are emotionally crippled. Some just assholes and narcissist. Most cheaters are human too, some learn from their mistakes.

 

I have not been cheated, not that I know of. But there are circumstances I could live with it. Knowing human nature, I think it is rare not to feel temptations. I feel a life long commitment is possible, but sadly, rare.

[hh5]

Rather we let him go scott free - send them some place like siberia

there is a saying a chicken that learn to kill ... to save the flock .. you kill the chicken

no where do u say let it be free

 

there is the one about the lame horse you shoot it to be humane

 

 

if we open up a topic about friends "a liar is always a liar" that's another one I not seen in almost ten years

but still i curse him ... ok blame the cheater

 

--

 

 

OK, now we bang up the cheater. What does it mean to be the cheaters new lover? How does society look upon them?

what does it mean to the new lover that finds out the cheater is a cheater

 

he keeps his %&$(* mouth shut from the lover .. right

[Anya]

There's nothing I hate more then cheaters....so I really have no idea if I would be able to forgive it. And even if you do, things like that put a huge strain on a relationship. There's no trust anymore and I really wouldn't want to spend all my time wondering where my boyfriend is when he is gone or who he is with.

 

I guess it depends but I'm not that much of a forgiving person when it comes to stuff like that anyway

As for "Once a cheater always a cheater" I don't think it neccessarily has to be like that but the cheater has to know that he can't get through with it, there definetely need to be consequences

Edited August 21, 2011 by Anya

[K.C.]

OK, now we bang up the cheater. What does it mean to be the cheaters new lover? How does society look upon them?

what does it mean to the new lover that finds out the cheater is a cheater

 

he keeps his %&$(* mouth shut from the lover .. right

 

 

That's a tough question. When my ex-boyfriend cheated, I met a few of his next boyfriends, however I didn't tell them he was a cheater. I knew that he cheated on me but doing that made me look petty and like I was trying to start crap. It was hard to just let it go. Who knows, maybe he learned his lesson and wouldn't cheat again... He had already lost the best guy of his life (hehe) Hopefully he wouldn't cheat on his next boyfriend.

[rustle]

That's a tough question. When my ex-boyfriend cheated, I met a few of his next boyfriends, however I didn't tell them he was a cheater. I knew that he cheated on me but doing that made me look petty and like I was trying to start crap. It was hard to just let it go. Who knows, maybe he learned his lesson and wouldn't cheat again... He had already lost the best guy of his life (hehe) Hopefully he wouldn't cheat on his next boyfriend.

 

 

No doubt whatsoever on that one. You're a class act, KC.

[hh5]

So your saying the boyfriend of the cheater just made an honest mistake?

(thanks for expanding my thoughts)

that learns the cheater lied to him so the boyfriend drops the cheater or keeps the mistake of his life

 

so it doesn't matter that the cheater learns or not ... => He had already lost the best guy of his life (hehe)

 

btw, Steve says that he would not leave .. so he claims bf#1 and bf#3 left him ... he was not right for them

so since on of my long term plans was to leave a him with a bf

 

why not i date and have sex with his future bf(s) before he knows they are to be his bf

and then when i pass a away in the will i say ... "Here's your new BF treat him well ... he great to *(&*&( with"

 

 

That's a tough question. When my ex-boyfriend cheated, I met a few of his next boyfriends, however I didn't tell them he was a cheater. I knew that he cheated on me but doing that made me look petty and like I was trying to start crap. It was hard to just let it go. Who knows, maybe he learned his lesson and wouldn't cheat again... He had already lost the best guy of his life (hehe) Hopefully he wouldn't cheat on his next boyfriend.

 

[AleMaho]

At first glance, I would say no. No, I probably wouldn't forgive my partner. But I guess that if I really loved him/her, I'd be willing to give a second chance.

It's true that everyone makes mistakes and that everyone deserves a second chance, but if someone cheated on you, then there's something more to it than a simple random act of sex.

 

Once a cheater, always a cheater? No.

People change. With the appropriate willpower, people can change their behavior.

[K.C.]

So your saying the boyfriend of the cheater just made an honest mistake?

(thanks for expanding my thoughts)

that learns the cheater lied to him so the boyfriend drops the cheater or keeps the mistake of his life

 

so it doesn't matter that the cheater learns or not ... => He had already lost the best guy of his life (hehe)

 

btw, Steve says that he would not leave .. so he claims bf#1 and bf#3 left him ... he was not right for them

so since on of my long term plans was to leave a him with a bf

 

why not i date and have sex with his future bf(s) before he knows they are to be his bf

and then when i pass a away in the will i say ... "Here's your new BF treat him well ... he great to *(&*&( with"

 

 

I’m not sure if I understand this or not. Are you asking what to do with the cheater’s boyfriend as in the guy he was screwing when he was supposed to be with me? Or are you asking about his future boyfriends?

 

Let me breakdown my experience:

 

I had been dating Sam when I found out that he had been cheating on me with Shawn. Now, I don’t know if Shawn knew that Sam was in a relationship with me or not. I didn’t confront Shawn…It really had nothing to do with him. It was Sam’s choice to be unfaithful! Self-control is not that hard. He had one chance with my heart and he chose to break it. As for Sam’s future boyfriends, sure I’ve met a few of them and no, I did not say anything to them about his past actions as a lousy boyfriend.

 

After that, it took a while before I was in another committed relationship. One thing that I can tell you, I have never been with someone who is already in a relationship. If someone is willing to cheat on their current partner to be with me…then they will cheat on me too!

[hh5]

At first glance, I would say no. No, I probably wouldn't forgive my partner. But I guess that if I really loved him/her, I'd be willing to give a second chance.

It's true that everyone makes mistakes and that everyone deserves a second chance, but if someone cheated on you, then there's something more to it than a simple random act of sex.

 

Once a cheater, always a cheater? No.

People change. With the appropriate willpower, people can change their behavior.

 

that's provided they want to change ... but if they don't change they either have mental disorder or a winning formula or a habit

 

the issue with Steve ... he wasn't the one to admit he has a problem or a habit

can he still stay this way he is ... that's his behavior he has to deal with

 

well that's the test of our new common activity ... its up to him about it

[hh5]

I’m not sure if I understand this or not. Are you asking what to do with the cheater’s boyfriend as in the guy he was screwing when he was supposed to be with me? Or are you asking about his future boyfriends?

 

Let me breakdown my experience:

 

I had been dating Sam when I found out that he had been cheating on me with Shawn. Now, I don’t know if Shawn knew that Sam was in a relationship with me or not. I didn’t confront Shawn…It really had nothing to do with him. It was Sam’s choice to be unfaithful! Self-control is not that hard. He had one chance with my heart and he chose to break it. As for Sam’s future boyfriends, sure I’ve met a few of them and no, I did not say anything to them about his past actions as a lousy boyfriend.

 

After that, it took a while before I was in another committed relationship. One thing that I can tell you, I have never been with someone who is already in a relationship. If someone is willing to cheat on their current partner to be with me…then they will cheat on me too!

 

 

Ok it was a poor joke to say to find his boyfriend for him ... while he its a know characteristic he won't break up ... its a question will he change ... he might

but he has other habits or issues too that can reintroduce the habit of cheating

 

For your experience, your fortunate its in the early dating phase I presume since you still call it dating ... that the within the two year ... but we're seven years

the experiences is more than just the cheating ... but we will see how the news fits with the center of his family when or if it gets there

its a different social structure than here in the states

 

 

 

[Dannsar]

I think Anyta asked about a definition of cheating, which is pretty much the most important part. My boyfriend took years to be comfortable with me ogling good looking guys. He saw that as a form of cheating. Psychological infidelity I suppose. He's secure enough to do it himself now, mind! Anyhow, after about eleven years of not getting the sex I needed, I asked permission for a f**k buddy. I thought it was only decent to ask permission. I got it, not that I use it that much, and I keep it discreet. So that's not cheating, as far as I am concerned. I have absolutely no intention of getting emotionally involved with someone else. I have all I need in the man I have lived with for nearly 15 years. And what's more, I don't consider it an open relationship, because that's much more free and easy. A f**k buddy is regular, not just whoever you fancy in a club some night.

 

It's true that 'cheating' is a symptom of something lacking in a relationship. But that lack does not necessarily have to be the entirety of the basis of a relationship. Therefore, satisfying it does not necesarily have to be the end of a relationship. If someone's taking the piss, then fair enough, GTTF.

 

Recent statistical research showed that perhaps as much as one third of children are born to men who are not the fathers they assume themselves to be. This means that the much vaunted greater propensity for women to equate sex and love, and therefore fidelitous sexual relationships as non-negotiable, is not nearly as strong as has traditionally been assumed. I think it's pretty clear that they are much more monogamous than men still, but monogamy is not an intrinsic part of our makeup. In fact, it is very much socially constructed.

 

I often think that the reason people get so pissed off about 'cheating' is because they feel their dignity is being eroded by a partner who is treating them with less than proper respect by getting it on the side, lying about it, and being very self satisfied about getting away with it ... treating them like idiots. Really it's the treating them like idiots part that constitutes the cheating, because if you treat a life partner like an idiot, or to put it another way, you have no respect for them. then why are you with them in the first place? You are cheating on their status as a human worthy of dignity.

 

No partner can be everything. No human should go looking for a partner like that, because they are seriously in danger of frustration. So something on the side once or twice may actually be ... how to put this ... helpful every now and then. But there needs to be dignity for the other person.

 

And here's a thought ... what about the guy who has a very high sex drive, but his wife has gone off it after childbirth. Or what about the woman who has no sex after her husband is injured in an accident?It may actually be demeaning for the 'lacking' person to know that their partner is getting a little satisfaction of a basic human drive while the partner is out of action, temporarily or permanently.

 

And here's another thought ... what about the bisexual who needs their psychosexual requirements fulfilled! Not all bisexuals can subjugate these drives particularly well. So, do they all hang around waiting for a fit hermaphrodite to walk by, so they can get it all ways?

 

And a further thought. In my life I have been with two bi married guys for short term sexual 'relationships' for the want of a better word. They wouldn't consent to having their cocks sucked, or to topping, because they kept their penises for their wives. That not only seems like questionable 'cheating' to me, it actually sounds like a degree of resoect and fidelity for their wives.

 

One more thought ... we're all reading this on screens. How many of us have busted a nut over the keyboard? Is that cheating, cos it's sure as hell using someone else to get off with ... and the other half is rarely involved. For that matter, the next logical step might be that masturbation is cheating because it's sex with a phantasm, or as it is otherwise put ... sex with someone you love ... like you are only supposed to love one person at a time people, and that's the SO

 

Finally, please don't think I condone it all. Far too much of it falls into the repetitive taking-the-wife-for-a-mug category, for me to think that. But perhaps it's not always as bad as the narrow minded social structures we indulge ourselves in nowadays might like to tell us it is.

[TetRefine]

Jerking off to porn or fantasies is hardly cheating, imo. Cheating requires two people, and when your jerking off, its usually only one. Fantasies are just that, fantasies. They aren't real, so therefor aren't cheating. I think most people would define cheating as a sexual act between two people in the flesh. Not some hunky porn star on the computer screen or the cute boy-next-door type you fantasize about banging from time to time.

Edited August 24, 2011 by TetRefine

[bookjunky18]

If someone cheats on me, I can maybe forgive them but the trust would be broken. That being said, I would leave the person.

If I knew the person cheated, I would never feel confident and comfortable in the relationship. I would always be suspicious and distrustful of the persons every action. I don't think a healthy relationship can grow after one person in the relationship breaks the trust.

I never really understand why people cheat. I mean if they no longer want to be with the person they're in a relationship with, why stay and cheat, why not just leave?

[BellaMuerte]

It depends on the person. Some people cheat, and that is just what they do. But sometimes you have one person that will cheat, and never do it again.

It just depends on the circumstances.

I have forgiven a cheater. So yea I would, and I don't believe anyone that cheats is always a cheater.

But, like I said, some just cheat. It's hard to tell who's who ...