C James Posted August 2, 2011 Posted August 2, 2011 Back in Command is up, and it's time to leave Rhys Lagoon. 1
MartyS Posted August 2, 2011 Posted August 2, 2011 (edited) Back in Command is up, and it's time to leave Rhys Lagoon. Check your emails 2 of them Edited August 2, 2011 by MartyS 1
MartyS Posted August 2, 2011 Posted August 2, 2011 Lets take a look at Cliffhangers. First and foremost, the entire Chapter 85 is a cliffhanger. When Chapter 84 ended we were left hanging with the: 1 Hitman was setting up a search to locate Trevor. 2 Kline was about to try a scam on the Officers to locate Trevor. 3 Trevor and Shane were heading into problems when they arrive in Carnarvon. 4 The reporters in Perth were about to get the word. None of these were addressed. Instead over half the chapter was about a scam arranged by Gonzalez and Henry. Then look at Chapter 85 1 All probability is that Joel and Lisa will not be allowed to go to Australia. 2 Chances of getting any evidence against Bridget and George are getting slimmer all the time. 3 Trevor has arranged to make an extensive telephone call to Joel on Monday. This will be when Joel and Lisa are in their Love Nest. Bridget will record the conversation. All kinds of info will be discussed.
Benji Posted August 2, 2011 Posted August 2, 2011 Check your emails 2 of them ................ The most significant sentence here! Asshole!” Joel said, chucking and then adding, “We’ll be at the guesthouse all afternoon and until about nine tomorrow; it’s a half day at school. Or you could just tell me the quick version now,” Joel said. Not only will Bridget learn of Trevor and Shane conversations but of Gonzalez's pointed questions, and unless Henry is not quick enough, neither will learn of that knowledge, until well well after the fact. Luckily, Bridget is still unaware of Gonzales interest in her as a suspect, the conversations in the guesthouse will lead her to believe that Gonzales is grasping at straws at Joel The information Trevor gives Joel on a one sided overheard conversation can be a deadly peril for him.
C James Posted August 2, 2011 Author Posted August 2, 2011 Marty spotted two errors in the chapter (both now fixed), one of which is major: I had December 17th, 2006, called a Saturday, but it's a Sunday, and that's plot-relevant. The other was a typo. Thanks Marty!! Lets take a look at Cliffhangers. First and foremost, the entire Chapter 85 is a cliffhanger. When Chapter 84 ended we were left hanging with the: 1 Hitman was setting up a search to locate Trevor. 2 Kline was about to try a scam on the Officers to locate Trevor. 3 Trevor and Shane were heading into problems when they arrive in Carnarvon. 4 The reporters in Perth were about to get the word. None of these were addressed. Instead over half the chapter was about a scam arranged by Gonzalez and Henry. Then look at Chapter 85 1 All probability is that Joel and Lisa will not be allowed to go to Australia. 2 Chances of getting any evidence against Bridget and George are getting slimmer all the time. 3 Trevor has arranged to make an extensive telephone call to Joel on Monday. This will be when Joel and Lisa are in their Love Nest. Bridget will record the conversation. All kinds of info will be discussed. Marty!!! How can you read the chapter so closely, yet still think there are any cliffhangers!?!?!? One measly hitman does not a cliffhanger make, especially when he has a 50-50 chance of heading for the wrong Carnarvon! And we saw Trevor and Shane, safely through the shallows, happily en route for Carnarvon, with Trevor regaining his confidence and starting to get over his PTSD. He'll probably be fine, as long as he avoids stress. ................ The most significant sentence here! Asshole!” Joel said, chucking and then adding, “We’ll be at the guesthouse all afternoon and until about nine tomorrow; it’s a half day at school. Or you could just tell me the quick version now,” Joel said. Not only will Bridget learn of Trevor and Shane conversations but of Gonzalez's pointed questions, and unless Henry is not quick enough, neither will learn of that knowledge, until well well after the fact. Luckily, Bridget is still unaware of Gonzales interest in her as a suspect, the conversations in the guesthouse will lead her to believe that Gonzales is grasping at straws at Joel The information Trevor gives Joel on a one sided overheard conversation can be a deadly peril for him. Uhoh, I see I made another typo: chucking should be chuckling. I'll fix it. Hrmm, you're worried about the phone call... but, who knows what they'll say? As they say down under, no worries!
Low Flyer Posted August 2, 2011 Posted August 2, 2011 From the chapter: “Exactly,” Trevor said, turning to smile at Shane, the tension he’d felt already easing. That call from Officer Gonzalez was stressful And yet, you still say that there is no tension or stress in this tale? Even the characters have noticed it, and they only know one or two points of view. How much worse for us, your poor readers, who know everyone's?
terrywhitt Posted August 2, 2011 Posted August 2, 2011 Just a great story. I look forward to Tuesdays when the chapters usually appear.
MartyS Posted August 3, 2011 Posted August 3, 2011 Marty!!! How can you read the chapter so closely, yet still think there are any cliffhangers!?!?!? One measly hitman does not a cliffhanger make, especially when he has a 50-50 chance of heading for the wrong Carnarvon! And we saw Trevor and Shane, safely through the shallows, happily en route for Carnarvon, with Trevor regaining his confidence and starting to get over his PTSD. He'll probably be fine, as long as he avoids stress. Let me explain what CJ did to us in Chapter 85. He shoveled a vast load of codswallop when he posted it. Never mind the Official Word Count on the Title Page. In actuality from the first word of the chapter title until the last actual word of the final paragraph, Chapter 85 contained just about 6766 published words. Approximately 5260 words or almost 78% of the story was, “Bumf.” I find it extremely difficult to recall, a more non-professional demonstration of proper police investigative techniques and practices. Based on the published content of the actions of the principle investigator, Sergeant Gonzalez, Bridget’s description and opinion of him is IMHO, all to accurate. I am utterly amazed at the willingness of Henry to become involved in such a farce. Were it not for the fact that, “ The Goat,” created and inserted this abortion, to continue his campaign, of “long-term Cliffhangers, I would be inclined to nominate, both of these investigators for, "The Inspector Lestrade Award for Incompetent Police Investigation."
C James Posted August 3, 2011 Author Posted August 3, 2011 From the chapter: “Exactly,” Trevor said, turning to smile at Shane, the tension he’d felt already easing. That call from Officer Gonzalez was stressful And yet, you still say that there is no tension or stress in this tale? Even the characters have noticed it, and they only know one or two points of view. How much worse for us, your poor readers, who know everyone's? But... it was just a little touch of tension, and I did admit that there would be a slight touch of tension and suspense. And the tension of running the shallows, and it's accompanying risk of getting stuck for a few hours or maybe even scratching some paint, was fully resolved by the end of the chapter. See? No worries. Just a great story. I look forward to Tuesdays when the chapters usually appear. Thanks!!! The good news is that, all being well, we can count on weekly postings until the story is complete. Let me explain what CJ did to us in Chapter 85. He shoveled a vast load of codswallop when he posted it. Never mind the Official Word Count on the Title Page. In actuality from the first word of the chapter title until the last actual word of the final paragraph, Chapter 85 contained just about 6766 published words. Approximately 5260 words or almost 78% of the story was, “Bumf.” I find it extremely difficult to recall, a more non-professional demonstration of proper police investigative techniques and practices. Based on the published content of the actions of the principle investigator, Sergeant Gonzalez, Bridget’s description and opinion of him is IMHO, all to accurate. I am utterly amazed at the willingness of Henry to become involved in such a farce. Were it not for the fact that, “ The Goat,” created and inserted this abortion, to continue his campaign, of “long-term Cliffhangers, I would be inclined to nominate, both of these investigators for, "The Inspector Lestrade Award for Incompetent Police Investigation." Hrmmm... okay, based on what they know (remember, we know far more than they) where did they go wrong? It did look very suspicious regarding Joel being made the heir to Atlantis's insurance right before the bombing attempt, and it does look suspicious that he and Lisa are so cozy with Bridget, so... they developed a suspicion, and also a way to investigate it. Of course, Henry did just pull a con on Gonzalez and the State Attorney. If it works, it takes away the issue of their being on the run stopping the clock on the statute of limitations. And cliffhangers? There are no cliffhangers here!! :2hands:
MartyS Posted August 3, 2011 Posted August 3, 2011 (edited) Hrmmm... okay, based on what they know (remember, we know far more than they) where did they go wrong? It did look very suspicious regarding Joel being made the heir to Atlantis's insurance right before the bombing attempt, and it does look suspicious that he and Lisa are so cozy with Bridget, so... they developed a suspicion, and also a way to investigate it. If I were in Trevor's place, I would not have answered or returned any additional telephone contact with Sergeant Gonzalez. I would have telephoned Joel and arranged for a telephone conference with Joel's father. During that conference, after explaining the nature of the accusations, suggest he confer with an attorney. I am sure an attorney would know how to handle the abusive sergeant. I am looking forward to Sergeant Gonzalez's reaction when he learns about the money Joel has in his possession from the Mediterranean Charter and the sale of Trevor’s junker. Edited August 3, 2011 by MartyS
Low Flyer Posted August 3, 2011 Posted August 3, 2011 If I were in Trevor's place, I would not have answered or returned any additional telephone contact with Sergeant Gonzalez. I would have telephoned Joel and arranged for a telephone conference with Joel's father. During that conference, after explaining the nature of the accusations, suggest he confer with an attorney. I am sure an attorney would know how to handle the abusive sergeant. Easy enough with hindsight or from our disinterested point of view. In Trevor's situation, I'd have thought 9 out 10 people would do exactly what he did and immediately call Joel.
french_b Posted August 3, 2011 Posted August 3, 2011 Hi C James, Im new here, but i wanted to say that I really like your story. Keep the good work, it's really nice to have well written stories to read.
MartyS Posted August 3, 2011 Posted August 3, 2011 (edited) Easy enough with hindsight or from our disinterested point of view. In Trevor's situation, I'd have thought 9 out 10 people would do exactly what he did and immediately call Joel. I believe that is exactly what I suggested, as a first step. However, he did not do what I recommended as the second step. Sergeant Gonzalez was totally and completely wrong in what he did, and needs to be reigned in, period. A professional investigator would have contacted Trevor to establish the facts, first. Then if the information received from Trevor supported his suspicions, possibly contact Joel for an explanation. The fact that Sergeant Gonzalez created a situation by making an accusation against Trevor, during an interview he had no control over the interviewee, indicates to me, his lack of professionalism. Edited August 3, 2011 by MartyS
Benji Posted August 3, 2011 Posted August 3, 2011 I believe that is exactly what I suggested, as a first step. However, he did not do what I recommended as the second step. Sergeant Gonzalez was totally and completely wrong in what he did, and needs to be reigned in, period. A professional investigator would have contacted Trevor to establish the facts, first. Then if the information received from Trevor supported his suspicions, possibly contact Joel for an explanation. The fact that Sergeant Gonzalez created a situation by making an accusation against Trevor, during an interview he had no control over the interviewee, indicates to me, his lack of professionalism. ......... I disagree, Gonzales is simply feeding information to George and Bridget via Joel and Lisa. Plus he has decided to play hardball with Joel to get any useful information about Bridget. He knows Joel isn't guilty of anything, but maybe withholding information from him. What I would really like to see is Frank getting invited by Lisa and Joel into the guesthouse for a search of the bugs.
Site Moderator TalonRider Posted August 3, 2011 Site Moderator Posted August 3, 2011 To add to what Benji said. By grilling someone like that, you can sometimes get some useful information by making the person slip up by not giving them a chance to answer.
MartyS Posted August 3, 2011 Posted August 3, 2011 ......... I disagree, Gonzales is simply feeding information to George and Bridget via Joel and Lisa. Plus he has decided to play hardball with Joel to get any useful information about Bridget. He knows Joel isn't guilty of anything, but maybe withholding information from him. What I would really like to see is Frank getting invited by Lisa and Joel into the guesthouse for a search of the bugs. Hi Benji, Sorry but I disagree. First of all, no one except Bridget and George know about the Love Nest being bugged. It is possible Sanchez was told. Gonzalez is still questionable about exactly what Joel's relationship with the Wicked Witch is. When he discovers the money Joel has from the sale of Trevor's junker, I bet he reads him a Miranda Warning. Wait and see. Marty
MartyS Posted August 3, 2011 Posted August 3, 2011 To add to what Benji said. By grilling someone like that, you can sometimes get some useful information by making the person slip up by not giving them a chance to answer. It might work if the person is sitting in an Interview Room in a police station, and the subject cannot end the grilling and walk away. BTW is not Trevor the Complainant and victim? .
Benji Posted August 4, 2011 Posted August 4, 2011 Hi Benji, Sorry but I disagree. First of all, no one except Bridget and George know about the Love Nest being bugged. It is possible Sanchez was told. Gonzalez is still questionable about exactly what Joel's relationship with the Wicked Witch is. When he discovers the money Joel has from the sale of Trevor's junker, I bet he reads him a Miranda Warning. Wait and see. Marty ............. Joel will blurt something out to Gonzales during the interrogation he has planned. Somehow or another, Joel will realize from Gonzales that some information could not have known by Bridget. Something overheard, the strange timing of the sale and the price given for Trevor's car. She maybe a rich eccentric woman, but who carries $6,000 in their purse buys the car the moment they arrive at the guesthouse. Bridget smiled, dismissing the concern with a gracious wave of her hand. “No worries there, I assure you. I have several gay friends, so do tell Trevor to bring a date if he wishes.” Bridget looked at the expected expressions of surprise on Lisa and Joel’s faces, and chuckled softly. “Trevor told me about that, and his quest for the Ares, when he was here, running from his monstrous father. He was here to ask my advice, and after a bit of awkwardness, he told me of the issues he has with Dirk, and why. I was far more concerned for his safety. As it turns out, I believe his search for Ares is what compelled his father to try to kill him with that bomb. It is fortunate that the Ares issue will be closed once his father is convicted, for those are such perilous waters.” Ok, this part always had me wondering, Trevor never told Bridget he was gay, nor of his search of the Aries (from Chap. 55) It could have been Julie that gave her this information, but not Trevor. Will Joel recall this? This is one aspect of the that bothered me, Trevor was very private on his sexuality, so why would he confess it to a woman he only met once? If Gonzales is able to wrangle that out of Joel, then they should both realize Bridget is not the person that Joel believed her to be. Once acknowledged Joel may come up with other realizations concerning Bridget, while Gonzales tells him of Dirks non-involvement. Ok, My thoughts! Benji
MartyS Posted August 4, 2011 Posted August 4, 2011 ............. Joel will blurt something out to Gonzales during the interrogation he has planned. Somehow or another, Joel will realize from Gonzales that some information could not have known by Bridget. Something overheard, the strange timing of the sale and the price given for Trevor's car. She maybe a rich eccentric woman, but who carries $6,000 in their purse buys the car the moment they arrive at the guesthouse. Bridget smiled, dismissing the concern with a gracious wave of her hand. “No worries there, I assure you. I have several gay friends, so do tell Trevor to bring a date if he wishes.” Bridget looked at the expected expressions of surprise on Lisa and Joel’s faces, and chuckled softly. “Trevor told me about that, and his quest for the Ares, when he was here, running from his monstrous father. He was here to ask my advice, and after a bit of awkwardness, he told me of the issues he has with Dirk, and why. I was far more concerned for his safety. As it turns out, I believe his search for Ares is what compelled his father to try to kill him with that bomb. It is fortunate that the Ares issue will be closed once his father is convicted, for those are such perilous waters.” Ok, this part always had me wondering, Trevor never told Bridget he was gay, nor of his search of the Aries (from Chap. 55) It could have been Julie that gave her this information, but not Trevor. Will Joel recall this? This is one aspect of the that bothered me, Trevor was very private on his sexuality, so why would he confess it to a woman he only met once? If Gonzales is able to wrangle that out of Joel, then they should both realize Bridget is not the person that Joel believed her to be. Once acknowledged Joel may come up with other realizations concerning Bridget, while Gonzales tells him of Dirks non-involvement. Ok, My thoughts! Benji Hi Benji, I think you are heading in the right direction. Joel has already shown he is getting suspicious about Bridget. Neither he nor Lisa know anything about George. Joel is not saying much to Lisa about Bridget, because he knows Lisa thinks the Witch walks on water. However Joel is facing problems with Gonzalez. This is from Chapter 84. The Sergeant is talking to Henry and part of what he says is: Just to be sure, I’ll poke around in his finances a bit to see if there’s any large unexplained income, but he seems like he’s okay.” Earlier in the story (Previous chapter)Gonzalez and Henry are talking and one of them mentions maybe Joel has been bought off by Bridget. We know Joel brought back about $5.000 dollars from the Med. Joel told Trevor he would hold it for him. Joel also has $6,000 from the sale of Trevor's junker. Chances are Joel put the money in his bank account for safekeeping. I believe Gonzalez is going to discover this money. That is my opinion Marty
C James Posted August 7, 2011 Author Posted August 7, 2011 I've been late in posting the coming chapter title. It's "Mr. Smith." Smith, as we saw in an earlier chapter, is Trevor's Mother's maiden name.
colinian Posted August 8, 2011 Posted August 8, 2011 Oooo... a spoiler! A real spoiler, from CJ. How delicious. Colin
MartyS Posted August 8, 2011 Posted August 8, 2011 Oooo... a spoiler! A real spoiler, from CJ. How delicious. Colin Hi Colin, I think you are incorrect. If anyone else had posted it, then it could be a spoiler. Seeing as the Goat did, it should be considered to be a CLIFFHANGER.
Site Administrator wildone Posted August 8, 2011 Site Administrator Posted August 8, 2011 Thanks!!! The good news is that, all being well, we can count on weekly postings until the story is complete. Okay, i have marked my Tuesdays till Tuesday April 24, 2012. Do you think you will be done by then? I seem to remember having a conversation with you before the first chapter appeared you were planning a story between 25 - 30 chapters Just with Bondwriter's Zeta reading fees, I'm curious how you are paying him and the rest of your team. Not that I'm complaining, I've enjoyed every word so far
Red_A Posted August 8, 2011 Posted August 8, 2011 (edited) I'm curious how you are paying him and the rest of your team. With Vegemite Edited August 8, 2011 by Red_A
C James Posted August 8, 2011 Author Posted August 8, 2011 Oooo... a spoiler! A real spoiler, from CJ. How delicious. Colin Ah, but it's not a spoiler! We already knew, from prior chapters, that Trev's mom's family was named "Smith". And now we have a title of Mr. Smith. Hi Colin, I think you are incorrect. If anyone else had posted it, then it could be a spoiler. Seeing as the Goat did, it should be considered to be a CLIFFHANGER. Marty!!! What is it going to take to convince you that I never use cliffhangers!?!?!? Okay, i have marked my Tuesdays till Tuesday April 24, 2012. Do you think you will be done by then? I seem to remember having a conversation with you before the first chapter appeared you were planning a story between 25 - 30 chapters Just with Bondwriter's Zeta reading fees, I'm curious how you are paying him and the rest of your team. Not that I'm complaining, I've enjoyed every word so far Well, it's definitely taken longer than I thought! I've even switched to bigger chapters lately. (one coming soon is twice normal size, and most coming ones are one and a half times normal or more) A normal chapter on GA seems to run about 5000 words. I'm confident that, thanks to Australian Math (part of the novel takes place in Australia, so it partially applies) the novel will be less than 100 chapters. :graduated: With Vegemite Red, you haven't lived until you've had a peanut butter, pepperoni, and Vegemite sandwich!
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