long distance relationships in college

[derricklee192]

I have a new long distance relationship with a guy who used to be my best friend. Now we are something more. I don't know how to explain it but the connection we have is more than just sex, but the thing is he doesn't think he's gay.so it leaves me in the weird position of having intense feelings for him but not knowing if I am  investing too much of myself to him . there is so much more to tell. the story has so much dept.

[Bill W]

Good luck with this.  Long distance relationships are fairly tough as it is, but to add the fact that the other individual doesn't think he's gay adds a whole different level to the problem.  I think for your own peace of mind you'll need to clarify that issue first and find out what his true feelings are for you.  Then, if he's not gay, you'll have to decide if you're willing to have a platonic relationship/friendship with him.  It won't be easy either way, so I wish you the best. 

[Cia]

It sounds like you do have a very complicated relationship--whatever form that takes--with your friend/lover. The only advice I can really share is communicate. No relationship survives if you can't talk to each other.

[WestcliffWriter]

Honesty is often painful and I really am a nice guy… but seriously??

 

Sorry to burst your bubble, but there is no such thing as a LDR, Firstly, look up relationship in the dictionary. I get the bit about him being an old best friend, and I'm gathering he moved away or something like that, but you need to realise that the whole point of a relationship is to share your life with someone, and despite the modern world being as it is, Skype (or whatever) doesn’t make one.

 

What saddens me is that you are 19 and may cling on to what is currently a fantasy. You could be hanging on for years for a guy you may never see again. To make matters worse this guy, albeit probably very nice, is unsure of his sexuality. Again, I apologise but if he is the same age as you then he should know by now where he wants to put his tackle.

There is also the issue of trust, and I don’t care what people say... while the cat is away the mice will play, and you can both swear all day long over your video link that you're faithful to each other, but there will always be that doubt, its human nature. (not to mention you’re both young and horny )

 

My advice? Unless you have solid plans where a date has been given for him to repatriate or you’re gonna move to be with him, don’t waste the best years of your life looking at a computer screen that you think is your boyfriend. Immerse yourself in someone real, tangible and knows what they want. Be friends by all means, nothing wrong with that, but don't get your heart broken, because one person who wont be there to pick up the pieces is him.

 

Alarm bells should have been ringing the minute he said (at 19) I don’t know if I'm gay! If that really is true, and I very much doubt it is, he's probably finding out with someone as we speak.

Sorry, I know it’s a harsh post and please don’t take it the wrong way. You posted for advice and I gave you mine, harsh as it was, but Derrick, life is a cruel bastard waiting to tear our dreams apart. Stay in reality and you'll protect yourself better.

 

All the best

 

Hope it works out for you

[Johnathan Colourfield]

Honesty is often painful and I really am a nice guy… but seriously??

 

Sorry to burst your bubble, but there is no such thing as a LDR, Firstly, look up relationship in the dictionary. I get the bit about him being an old best friend, and I'm gathering he moved away or something like that, but you need to realise that the whole point of a relationship is to share your life with someone, and despite the modern world being as it is, Skype (or whatever) doesn’t make one.

 

What saddens me is that you are 19 and may cling on to what is currently a fantasy. You could be hanging on for years for a guy you may never see again. To make matters worse this guy, albeit probably very nice, is unsure of his sexuality. Again, I apologise but if he is the same age as you then he should know by now where he wants to put his tackle.

There is also the issue of trust, and I don’t care what people say... while the cat is away the mice will play, and you can both swear all day long over your video link that you're faithful to each other, but there will always be that doubt, its human nature. (not to mention you’re both young and horny )

 

My advice? Unless you have solid plans where a date has been given for him to repatriate or you’re gonna move to be with him, don’t waste the best years of your life looking at a computer screen that you think is your boyfriend. Immerse yourself in someone real, tangible and knows what they want. Be friends by all means, nothing wrong with that, but don't get your heart broken, because one person who wont be there to pick up the pieces is him.

 

Westcliff, I kinda disagree. I'm quite happily in an LDR, and have been for over two years, with very little difficulty along the way. I mean we've had our problems, but every normal relationship goes through issues. The important thing is knowing how to resolve them, which is even harder by long distance. But then again, we do have plans for moving (either me to him or him to me) and we hardly ever have major conflicts - so we're lucky hehe. They can work but they take ALOT of trust and communication.

 

So Derrick, if you are willing to figure out "problems" then I say go for it. But be afraid, because Westcliff is right, the situation is too risky to consider, the whole straight thing rings HUGE alarm bells.

 

But see where it goes, you might end up happy together but i'd be prepared to just in case have your heart broken. You have to consider whether you are willing to take that risk.

 

Feel free to PM me if you want to know more about what its like to actually go through a (at least i hope it is ) sucessful LDR

[zaf89]

Personally I found it hard enough to sustain short-distance relationships in college, much less long distance . But I'm sure it can be done. The whole not knowing if he likes men thing is another story. I wish you the best of luck with this, though.

[Never Surrender]

oh god, college relationships   i think it depends a LOT on the kind of person you are. the majority of pre-college relationships that people in my friendship groups were in, failed within the first year... and boy did they crash and burn   the main relationships that succeeded were ones that were established before college for a long time. 

 

i dont think JC will mind me saying that he doesnt strike me as a typical party boy. Although this is whoppingly stereotypical, the people who broke their LDR most often cheated on their partner, and the cheating was most often 'helped along the way' by copious amounts of alcohol or drugs. Im not saying that you cant sustain a functional relationship and be a party animal? but it depends a lot on the kind of person you are, and what you hold important. People change a lot when they go to university - im not the same person i was when i entered, im not the same person i was last year. when you're at college, you will be constantly evolving. Trust me, its hard enough to hold down a short distance relationship, without adding so many hundreds or thousands of miles between you. 

 

university is a time of self expression, experimentation and self development. In the words of one of my good friends who was apparently quoting me when i was drunk.... 'this is probably the best looking youll ever be in your life - dont piss away your beauty years in an unhappy relationship because once youve left it, youll be old and emotionally scarred and all the fit ones will be gone and taken'   

[MarcW]

i wish you well & good luck... as a number of others have said, communication is going to be a major factor

 

after 2 years together at college - i went to work, he went to uni.. i visited every weekend & phoned each day .. but it still didnt work out -not being there for him all the time like we were at college lead to temptations & when i turned up early one friday found him with someone else - i'm not suggesting that this will happen to you (and i really pray it dont) - but until he can work out how he feels about you it's not looking good.