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imagine Question For 11/1


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A brand new Q&A community question is up for this week! Feel free to comment when you get a chance! I always love hearing what you guys have to say abut this stuff! :)


Also, in case you missed last week's community question, we could definitely use a few more comments on that one as well. If I can a good 9 or 10 responses, I'd be happy. Right now, between here and the Comicality Cafe, I've got four. So we're almost half way there. Anonymous replies are welcome, and emails to Comicality@webtv.net are welcome also. Cool? Last week's question was on our very first introduction to porn. Hehehe! (https://www.voy.com/15900/92091.html)


This week? Well, look below and see for yourself! These question and answer sessions might help our younger Shackers who are reading, and are just learning to navigate their way through life for the first time. So don't hold back, k? 




This week's question is...could you...would you...be a part of a 'secret' relationship with another person?


Now, think about this. What if you're in the closet and don't want the whole world to know that you're gay? What if you're out of the closet, but your boyfriend isn't? Would you be willing to keep your discretion for <i>his</i> sake? Or would you want him to be as open as you are? Have you experienced this yourself in the past? What was it like? Tell us your feelings on this! Not everybody is ok with keeping their relationship under wraps. But, on the same level...not everybody is cool with 'living out loud' either? 


What are your thoughts on this, and feel free to share any personal experiences that you've had with this issue in the past. I'd be interested to see your story! :)

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When and where a person comes out of the closet to their family and friends depends on the social environment. For me, it was almost a non-event. Only two or three people made comments, and they were quickly shut down. But still, my first boyfriend never went beyond hand-holding and a few discreet kisses, and he flat-out refused to visit my house, or let me visit his home. It seems that he was determined to keep everything locked up in little compartments, with school and "boyfriend time" in one box, and "family life" in another. I was hurt, because he wasn't willing to share the rest of his life with me, and confused, because his brother surely would've said something to their parents if they had been "conservative" types. After a couple weeks of dating, I got frustrated because we were going nowhere, and dumped him. After that, I resolved to never date a closet case again. If I'm going to date someone, I want the whole world to know about it!

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Living as I did through the Pat Robertson/AIDS-ridden 80s it would have been rather incumbent upon me to keep anything Gay a secret.  Rather than keep secrets, though, I just denied myself and lived without romantic relationships.  I tried with girls, but could never connect sufficiently. It was a different time and, even during the slow thaw of the 90s I didn't come out of my closet.


Today I am Gay out loud and encourage anyone who can to come out sooner than later, but . . . I also appreciate the fact that a lot of people still live in places where it is very dangerous to be Gay. For these people, particularly young ones, I encourage them to prepare themselves as best as they can to become independent as soon as possible so that they can live free. It is best to do this younger than older.  When you come out as an older man you just don't have the same options as you do when you are young.


If, in my youth, however, I'd met a boy who wanted me enough to brave the world we lived in, I would have been with him in secret and braved it. But, that didn't happen so I'll never know for sure.

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...I've always been a bit mixed on this question. And I can definitely say that I've seen it from both sides. 

I would never ask someone to come out if they were uncomfortable with it. That has always been something that I saw as a personal choice, and it differs from person to person. Some people restricted and confined by not being honest about their feelings. Others feel unnecessarily exposed and burdened by having other people look so deeply into their personal lives. I can see the value in both points of view. 


So, does a committed relationship change things?


I'd say yes.


I actually had a series of panic attacks over a boyfriend that I was TOTALLY head over heels in love with! And he felt the exact same way about me. We were just...we were meant to be together. And it became so serious for me that I was literally ready to give up my whole closet status just for him. Like, "This is it! I'm not about to let this secret keep us apart! He's everything I ever wanted!" Introduced him to my mom and everything (although, not as my boyfriend). But, yeah, I panicked on a number of occasions. Because I knew what my ultimate choice was going to be in the end. And the secret simply wasn't worth the discomfort it created.


However...I'm not against a bit of discretion if it worked for both of us. I've had some secret romps in my history. Mostly when I was a teenager, though. And mostly because being gay wasn't something that people talked about then as openly as they do now. And because we had parents to worry about, and high school rumors, and...just a bunch of garbage that I wish hadn't been a factor at the time. But it was a <i>mutual</i> secret. That made all the difference. If he had been out, I might have thought differently. If I had been out...HE might have thought differently. I guess it just depends on the situation, you know? 


Besides...secret relationships can be HOT! Hehehe! Just sayin'! ::Nods::

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Being secret would be okay with me as long as it wasn't due to cheating on someone else in a committed relationship. Cheating on someone who trusts you is just wrong. It can also cause big problems and even be dangerous.


Caring about someone isn't about how it looks to others, it's about what you feel in your heart.

Edited by drpaladin
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