Editor needed (Short story - 9000 words, mystery/psychological drama

[Warrior1]

Genre: Romance, mystery, horror, drama, psychological

Length: slightly over 9000 words

Written in: MS Word

What I want:

- Grammar correction as English is not my first language

- Punctuation (especially in dialogues)

- Pointing out inconsistencies, bloopers, plot holes, etc

- giving me input on what to cut, add, modify etc (like redundant phrases or words)

So it's more than grammar that I need corrected. Basically, someone who can see through all my flaws and find ways to enrich my story even more.

Here's a short excerpt (1st page from MS Word) to give you an idea about it:

Quote

“You sure you don’t need any help?” Nick asked the passerby for the second time, only to be greeted by the same blank look and obtrusive silence. The boy shivered at his question, as though human sound was alien to him. Nick took a long, deep puff and held the smoke there on his inside, burning hot and suffocating him. He then threw the burning cigarette into the ground, where the snow extinguished the last remaining source of light left in this part of the world. Holding his breath, Nick dashed out of his car, and walked slowly to the silhouette ahead.

Matt could hardly stop his legs from shaking as he saw the scruffy man get closer and closer. Aside from his violently thumping heart, his whole body felt numb. Matt’s eyes did what his semi-paralyzed body could not, travelling as far as his sight would permit him to reach. Darkness engulfed the world in its realms, and it was a testament to the power of the human eyes that it could still peer into what’s ahead in this condition. There was no sign of life anywhere, save him and that shadowy figure; not even a stray cat or dog nearby. No houses, inns or even a streetlight turned on. The snow fell harder and harder, and in the impenetrable darkness, it gave the woody landscape a strange, eerie appearance that haunted Matt even more. The dazzling fairyland he remembered seeing in the morning had suddenly transformed into a foreboding and ominous looking one.

Something a little warm and greasy touched Matt’s arm. His eyes widened at the appearance of the boy in front of him; but, as he felt a hot, almost toxic air wash his face, he immediately had to close his lids again. He coughed, and with that, some part of the horror seemed to just spill out of his chest. He felt a burning sensation in his eyes, and the toxic odor shot through his lungs and head and it ached further there. And yet, Matt felt his whole body come strangely alive as the stranger got into close proximity. The snow didn’t feel so cold anymore and the feeling of being lost subsided for a moment. Yet, he felt weak. He held tightly onto the man’s arms; his legs were now almost surrendering to the pressure it had been under for several hours.

“Oops, I am sorry, I am. Should not have blown it on your face like that.” Nick said, realizing how he had so unpleasantly puffed the smoke directly at the struggling boy’s face. As Matt’s eyes fluttered open, Nick felt a bit uneasy inside: it wasn’t an unpleasant emotion, but an unfamiliar one that took hold of him suddenly. Helpless, languorous eyes stared widely at Nick, and Nick quickly took hold of the boy’s other arm.

“Hey, it’s alright. I wasn’t…” Nick stuttered a bit, not finding the right word of solace to give to the boy. “I was just asking if you needed any help.”

The boy was unstable, shivering badly, and the helpless look in his eyes reduced the confidence that Nick had with him. There is only one thing to be done, Nick thought, because two bodies can probably ease what one cannot. But it happened mutually – Matt had his head in Nick’s chest before Nick had the time to pull him in.

Matt found himself slipping easily into the wooly, comfortable thing that brushed his face now.  He realized his brain was now slowly registering signals, because he could smell the provocative scent of some playboy perfume and nicotine there. A heart was beating, much like his beat, and someone was blowing something funny on his snow-covered hair, and it produced a ticklish feeling, and it was deeply comforting, enthralling and –

“What the hell!” Matt almost shrieked, but what came out was a murmur. “I…” The comfort he felt a minute ago dissipated as he stared wide eyed at the boy before him. What just happened he could not remember, except this boy was here in front of him and … suddenly Matt was in him. For an instant, Matt wanted to run, now that he had the strength to carry him; but the boy’s playful eyes held Matt’s gaze, this time his senses being paralyzed by sheer beauty of them.

 

Please let me know.

 

Regards,

Warrior

 

 

[Comicality]

 

I wish that I could be skilled enough to offer my services, dude. Hehehe! But my own editing leaves a lot to be desired. 

From the part of your story that you included here, your English seems fine to me  The dialogue feels a little awkward in some parts, but if you find a good editor, I think that could be fixed easily. You don't seem to be the type of writer that would tax an editor to any extremes and cause them to rip their hair out. LOL! At best, it looks like you just need someone to smooth a few phrases out and give the story a steady flow. I wouldn't worry about it too much. Keep writing. I didn't feel lost or confused at all.

Isn't there an editor forum here on GA? Look around and see if one exists. I'm sure that someone would be happy to step in and give you a few pointers. Either way, write from the heart. It looks great so far!