AFriendlyFace

I agree! You're downright beautiful, Billy

That's very well said and sensible IMO Well said! I completely agree! Clearly you're not the sort of person who is cut out for casual sex, and that's fine, but I don't think that means that Galahad and his myriad of past sexual partners made the wrong decision. It may very well have been the right decision for them to make. I'm no Sunday school teacher myself, in fact if you want the blunt truth I had a lot of fun with a guy just last night. I will say that I don't regret any of my sexual experiences. In fact I've found them to be wholely positive experiences physically, mentally, and spiritually. I don't engage in risky sexual behaviours, I don't carry a lot of baggage around, and I don't have sex with people who aren't ready and comfortable doing it. I generally try to make sure it's a mutually positive experience and to the best of my knowledge so far it always has been (it certainly has been on my part). I personally think that comparing the pleasure one receives and gives from a positive sexual experience to something equating homicide is more than a little perplexing. One size and one way most certainly does not fit all, and I certainly wouldn't dream of advising other people to have casual sex if they clearly aren't cut out for it nor would it occur to me to criticise them for their decision. I do wonder why other people don't return that simple and kind favour. A very thought-provoking and romantic post! I certainly plan to settle down and live monogamously with one special guy someday. That doesn't mean I'm going to regret my past or miss chances to spread and receive happiness and pleasure now. I have every confidence that I'll be more than able to be faithful, romantic, and generally quite attentive to a future partner. I'm also quite confident in my sexual prowess, and my ability to relate on an emotional, intimate level, which as Duncan indicated is in fact a function of my experiences. If the guy I'm with can't accept my past and cherish our present and future, and if I can't similarly respond in kind, then clearly it was not meant to be anyway. I don't care where my fellow has been, I don't care if he's been with a hundred guys or if I'm his first, all that matters to me is that he is healthy and well-adjusted as well as committed and focused on us once we get together. If he's a virgin, more power to him; if he sampled every flavour of ice cream before he settled on my cone, well that's just fine too. Just my thoughts of course -Kevin

OOPS! I read that as "Long-distance fights." I was thinkin, "yeah, it really sucks when you argue with someone and you can't be there to work it out in person."

Did you mention that to him? I bet it would have made him feel good Cool song, I really like Nickelback, especially that one I can definitely see where you're coming from, Kit. Forgiveness is a value I hold in much higher esteem for my own life than most other values one can think of. I've often asked myself that sort of question. I'm against the death penalty, and I can confidently say that I still don't think that would change if someone did kill someone I loved. Having thought it over carefully, I can also say that I would want to forgive them. I'm not sure it would be possible, and of course I can't really know how I'd feel unless I was placed in that situation (and hopefully I won't be!), but I do think I'd want to forgive them. That isn't to say I'd want them in my life at all, that would probably be far too painful, but I'd certainly want to let go of the anger and resentment. Again, I don't know that it would be possible, but I would want to try. Again, this is just my personal take on the matter: Emotionally I can very much see the appeal in vengeance. I think that's a very natural, normal human reaction. You hurt me, I want you to get hurt too. However, intellectually and morally I don't see much value in vengeance or punishment. I think the only morally defensible purpose for punishment (again this is just my thoughts and feelings on the matter) should be strictly rehabilitative. If the punishment is truly going to make the person change their ways, or if it would act as a deterrent, then I'm okay with punishment. However, very often this isn't the actual result of punishment. Very often it doesn't help, if anything it makes the person more angry and hurt and more likely to re-offend in some way, or in the case of the prison system very often it puts them into contact with other criminals and turns low-level offenders into high-level offenders. Intellectually I don't think this is beneficial. Morally, I'm also against hurting someone in anyway simply for the sake of it. I guess it simply goes back to the "two rights don't make a wrong thing." So for rehabilitation I'm fine with punishment, for the concept of "justice" or "fairness" I am not. I'm only behind punishment for those rehabilitative or preventative qualities it might have. If it clearly doesn't have those qualities, or not to a very effective degree, then I'm against it. The only exception is a scenario in which someone is an inveterate danger and cannot change. I still don't think punishment should be done for "justice" per se, but I think the person should be locked away permanently simply to remove them from others and the possibility to do more damage. Anyway, I am not trying to impose my moral beliefs on anyone else, nor am I saying they are "the way to go" in these matters. I'm just expressing my feelings and thoughts on the matter. Oh James, how terrible! I'm so sorry I think I would probably have made a similar choice. I would have accepted the person's amends and wished them well in their road to recovery, but unless I felt quite strongly that the person had changed, I wouldn't have wanted them to occupy any position in my life either. Oh Dion! That's so terrible too You poor thing I hope you're able to find a way to deal with those people that is effective and reduces the pain and discomfort they've caused I think moving on is a good solution I do hope I've properly expressed that I'm not trying to impose my way of thinking on anyone else. I do feel like this is a suitable time to mention my feelings, thoughts, and values on this issue since we're discussing them, but I certainly do try to avoid imposing my beliefs on other people in everyday life, especially when they're going through a painful time. Anyway take care all and have a great day -Kevin

Aww I'm sorry, Lugh....err I mean Happy Birthday! Have a terrific day and an awesome year! -Kevin

I just adore you, Gabe! What a delightfully pleasant blog entry that was A couple of points I'd like to give my opinion on: First, I should find this thread and comment in it. Second, my comment would be that I by far favour characterization. In fact none of the other elements matter nearly as much to me as rich, compelling characters. Plot would probably be the closest, and it still pales greatly by comparison. Actually, I only see plot, world-building, and style as vehicles to express good characterization. I like good plot, believable world-building, and a compelling style, but I couldn't really give a rat's ass about them if the characters aren't strong. That does sound really interesting! I'd have probably enjoyed that myself. In a different way though. I may indeed have remembered it as an interesting and imaginative literary technique, and I have no doubt that I'd have been thoroughly delighted by it. However, it's unlikely it would have stuck with me as "a good story." Nevertheless, I'd have been happy to experience it and I almost certainly would have enjoyed it. There's no doubt that I personally enjoy using literary techniques in my stories. Indeed, the one you mentioned in a vague way reminds me of a technique I used in The Most Dangerous Place whereby I kept using the same words and similar scenes to evoke vastly different emotions. Well, that's what I was trying to do anyway I would encourage you to write it and I'd very much enjoy reading it! I always remember your anthology entry, The Slaying of Lydia Syanto as one of the most imaginative and original entries ever submitted. I very much enjoyed all the symbolism it contained. Anyway, I hope your anti-virus software is winning the battle. Take care and have a great day Kevin

What an interesting and moving experience. I'm sorry for your difficulties. However, not to marginalize your feelings and experience at all, may I offer my initial impression of his response to your letter as you've related it? It seems to me that his response is his way of accepting your apology. He may not have meant to leave any ambiguity at all and simply failed to realize that he was doing so. If someone I'd lost touch with apologized to me about something that had happened years before I may indeed have responded with something along the lines of "What is in the past is in the past." Which would be my way of saying, "Don't worry about it; I'm over it." Which in turn would be my way of indicating that I was actually accepting the apology. I can imagine saying "What's in the past is in the past; don't worry about it," and fully meaning it as a gracious acceptance of the apology without ever realizing that I was leaving any ambiguity there at all. Of course, I can definitely see how you would be frustrated if you had gone to a great deal of trouble to apologize and really poured a lot of effort and emotion into it, only to receive a fairly casual response. I hope then that had it been me I would have recognized the effort, and courage and character that it took, and been more eloquent and explicit in my own response. However, if I somehow missed that, or else was overwhelmed and didn't know how to properly respond, I can theoretically imagine responding casually and not realizing that my response was leaving you in doubt. Really though, I obviously don't know what was said or how he actually responded, so I'm quite possibly completely misreading the situation. Regardless, I commend you for taking such a large, proactive step to settle a matter from your past That definitely merits respect and praise and regardless of how he felt about it, I would say that if it possible you should feel good about the situation and your actions Just my thoughts though, and I'm probably full of nonsense Take care and have a great day, Kevin

Oh my gosh I love these! I'd never heard them before but they're hilarious! I especially like the one I bolded That's a big pet peeve of mine with Windows. "Yes, I'm frickin sure! I wouldn't have clicked the damn button if I weren't serious!"

LOL! Honestly, I don't even bother to shave my face before going to work most days, yet alone my tongue!

Good pics, you guys

I don't really watch scary movies. I did when I was a kid though, so I have a few. that was a very cool music video! I saw that! It was pretty good. I would say that I enjoyed the Scream and Halloween movies the most. The scene in the second Halloween, with the hot tub!

Less of a problem how? In that Indian teenagers somehow know more about safety and respect for themselves and their partners? Or less "problematic" in that Indian teenagers are somehow less inclined to engage in sexual activity? (which personally I find surprising since I think that on issues of innate emotions and sexual feelings people are similar in all cultures. I suppose I could see how perhaps in some cultures people might be less inclined to act on those feelings though). Anyway, I commend you, Greame! It sounds like your son is well-adjusted and it also sounds like he has a very high probability of remaining so! I think that giving adolescents and pre-adolescents information on these subjects is vitally important. I think it's a really imprudent move to assume that they'll pick it up on their own somehow, be it through friends, sex-ed, or outside literature and videos, etc. I certainly think it's better if a parent provides informational resources (other than themselves) or knows that their child will have a quality sex ed class and thereby decides not to supplement that education personally. However, I still think talking to the kids directly about these topics is most certainly the best course of action if it's at all possible. I've thought about this topic a lot and my ideal scenario for a child's sexual education would go something like this: -Allowing the young child to engage in normal "exploration" of their bodies but teaching them about appropriate contexts. For example "it's okay to touch yourself there, but only in private, not in public," and "make sure you tell me if anyone else, especially anyone more than a couple of years older, ever touches or tries to touch you there. You won't get in trouble, but I need to know." -As the child gets older teaching them the proper names for their body parts and telling them that slang terms are okay, but shouldn't be perceived derogatorily or as something to be ashamed of. -Always being willing to honestly answer any question they might have. Thanking them for the question and telling them how pleased you are that they came to you with it. Taking the opportunity to proactively broach certain subjects when related topics come up casually as a result of conversation, television, movies, music, school, art, literature, etc. -Once they reach junior high being certain that they know the basics of sex and the importance of respecting and protecting your own body and that of your partner(s). Encouraging them to only progress at a rate they are comfortable with and not to engage in activities too soon, but making sure that they have access to condoms and other "sexual necessities." Asking them to please come to you with any questions. Also making it a point to supply them with books about puberty and sex education. -Once they reach high school sitting them down to discuss my own values about sex, sexual orientation, and sexual health and encouraging them to discuss their feelings and thoughts on these topics. This would probably the closest thing to an official "TALK" that I'd plan, but here it would be more of a discussion of the issue and its related aspects than an educational lecture because I would hope and expect that if I'd down the previous steps correctly they would already know all the key informational points. If they did seem ignorant about something or had any questions I'd of course inform them but the point of this chat would be to discuss values, feelings, and attitudes. -Separately, as something that wouldn't be planned but which would depend on the specific child, once they had their first date or first boyfriend/girlfriend I would take the opportunity to "embarrass" them by privately giving them pamphlets about pregnancy, STDs, and safer sex practices, as well as directly giving them condoms and lube, and then telling them that before they could go on their next date they had to pass a "quiz" I would of course also take the opportunity to invite questions as well as a discussion of values and attitudes. If the child had not at all prior to finishing high school, some kids don't and that's certainly okay, then I'd make the above conversation/activity a sort of "graduation/exit exam" from high school. I definitely would try to be sure that they didn't start college without me explicitly finding out how informed they are about STDs and safer sex. Of course, all of that is just my "ideal" plan of action. I'm sure it's much harder to actually do while raising a kid and I'm sure it becomes something you just have to sort of improvise when you get the chance. Just my thoughts -Kevin

Yes, I completely agree and that pretty much sums up my beliefs and attitudes as well. Somewhat regrettably (regrettable to me personally that is) so does this. I agree that it is more or less impossible, for me at least, to forgive and forget. I can't help but to bear in mind the past to some extent, and yes I think it can be very useful to do so. However, depending on the offense, I think it would often be useful to literally forget about it. When I think it's honestly better to forget versus just to forgive is dependent on the circumstances. If the incident was only perceived as offensive due to my own emotional reaction, then I think it's good to try to move beyond it entirely. For example, I may have unknown (unknown to the other person that is, but perhaps even unknown to me), internal biases, feelings, and prejudices that make me overly sensitive to certain things. An easy, non-serious example is that I can't stand to be asked my age. I'm annoyed and slightly offended when it happens. However, rationally I know that the person didn't mean any offense and that they probably thought it was a safe question. I also realize that it has more to with my issues than anyone else's. Thus, I think the best way to deal with that is by telling the other person about my feelings on this score and then trying to "forget" that they had made me uncomfortable and offended me. There's no reason to let this particular offense color my future interactions with the person because it was unreasonable and is somewhat unlikely to occur again. My example is fairly trivial and unlikely to be relevant to many other people. However, I think the general aspects of it do carry over a great deal. We all have "touchy subjects" and "unreasonable expectations." I think these sensitivities and unreasonable expectations are a major cause of the interpersonal disputes we all experience. Once we clarify how we feel, if the other person makes an effort to respect our feelings on these points then I think it's ideal to try to dismiss the incident entirely. On the other hand, if someone offends us, even unknowingly, in a way that should have obviously been offensive, then I think that's worth keeping in mind. For example someone might say something very rude, mean, or offensive, that almost anyone would consider rude, mean, or offensive without meaning to offend. However, while I think it's good to "forgive" that person, I think bearing in mind that incident of insensitivity is worthwhile because that might be indicative of a general tendency toward being insensitive and rude, and that's worth being cautious of. By the same token, if I explain my feelings to someone about being asked my age or being questioned on that topic and they purposely do it again or completely disregard my feelings, then even though I acknowledge that my feelings themselves are somewhat irrational that doesn't change the fact that other person is willfully and knowingly being insensitive and I think that would also be something worth remembering. In general though, if there's no great likelihood that the person will re-offend in the same way, and that generally the offense seems like an isolated thing, then I think forgiving and forgetting are the ideal course of action. Of course it can be difficult to completely forget and move past an offense. I still think it's worth trying in those sorts of instances though. Just my thoughts though, Kevin

I'm inclined to agree with Krista on this one. Incestuous relationships have not been my experience of the South. I've also rarely, if ever, heard someone use the term "cousin" to reference or address another person who wasn't in fact a relative of some sort. I think that's just a cultural stereotype which is out-dated nowadays and was probably exaggerated even in its heyday. It reminds me of the time I got annoyed by other people's assumptions that because I grew up in Louisiana I had swamps and alligators literally in my backyard. The next time someone expressed this cultural stereotype I went with it and assured them that, "Yes, in Louisiana I-10 is actually just a very long bayou and everyone rides pirogues down it as the preferred mode of transportation." The annoying thing is that the person responded, "Really?" only half incredulously

A lovely description

I'm pleased that the events ultimately led to a greater understanding and peace for you! How ironic, but perhaps fitting, that mania can be the impetus for peace. Anyway, good for you -Kevin

Couldn't possibly have been me! Everyone knows I'd never use the word "fabulous" anyway!

James - Hmmm, I hadn't thought of that! How entrepreneurial of you! Mark - I did too! Gabe - Glad I'm not alone in this at least! Vic - I do not have a monotone voice! Sharon - Haha! That would have been great! Corvus - It is funny, but I usually try to keep my tongue sheaved at work. Keeps me out of trouble Krista - The Golden Girls is great!

Fantastic story and perspective, James! I'm really pleased and impressed! I hope it becomes a recurring event at your school!

LOL, I was trying to avoid saying that little reminder!

Way back in the day it was the left ear that was okay for everyone and the right ear that was supposedly a signal of homosexual preference. My understanding is that that is out of date nowadays, but I could be wrong I suppose.

I am in complete agreement with you. I think genders distinctions are pretty stupid to begin with, and this is a clear example.

I won't pretend I'm not out of my depth in conversations like this, but I will say that I can't stand Vista and it seems like any update is worth trying just to get away from it! I didn't think XP was bad at all actually. In fact XP and Windows 98 are by far my favourites in Microsoft's line up of operating systems. They definitely aren't/weren't perfect by any means, but compared to ME or Vista for example I think they're stellar.

Hi all, KJames brought up a very interesting point in the Irrational Fears thread and it got me thinking about forgiveness in general. I thought it might be nice to have a thread for the topic. Here's what was said and my opinions on it. Well, I'm a big fan of forgiveness, and I definitely try to let go of any anger or resentment and move on. However, I don't think forgiveness is something someone can willfully give. I think it's a process and an emotion. You can "accept" someone's apology, but that doesn't necessarily mean you've forgiven them. To me what "accepting" an apology is about is saying "I acknowledge that you're taking responsibility for your part in what happened, and I'm going to consciously make an effort to move on." I don't think someone can turn it into "I'm no longer hurt or angry about what happened." I just don't think people can control their emotions that way. That said, I definitely can't stand for people I like and care about to be hurt or angry because of my actions either so I can certainly see where you're coming from, I just don't think it's necessarily something I can say is their responsibility to overcome instantly at the time of my apology. At the same time though, I think the person does have some control over the process of forgiveness. I don't think they can force it, but I think they can definitely prevent it by dwelling or being negative and bitter. That part is largely their responsibility. I also think that it's possible to actively work toward forgiving someone, and if they aren't doing that then I can see your point as well. I do think the apology itself is very important in the forgiveness process. If it's a relatively mild offense then I think very often just the act of acknowledging responsibility for it and expressing remorse is enough to evoke the emotions of forgiveness. With more major things though it's going to take some time and some effort on both people's part, in my opinion. So what does everyone else thing about this? -Kevin

Forgot that, though I'm mostly over it now. I have a mild fear of railings when driving. It's not the height or the water, it's the fact that I feel like there's a railing all up in my space. I similarly hate narrow roads with barriers on the side. Again it's not even the narrow road I mind, it's the damn barrier itself. Well, I'm a big fan of forgiveness, and I definitely try to let go of any anger or resentment and move on. However, I don't think forgiveness is something someone can willfully give. I think it's a process and an emotion. You can "accept" someone's apology, but that doesn't necessarily mean you've forgiven them. To me what "accepting" an apology is about is saying "I acknowledge that you're taking responsibility for your part in what happened, and I'm going to consciously make an effort to move on." I don't think someone can turn it into "I'm no longer hurt or angry about what happened." I just don't think people can control their emotions that way. That said, I definitely can't stand for people I like and care about to be hurt or angry because of my actions either so I can certainly see where you're coming from, I just don't think it's necessarily something I can say is their responsibility to overcome instantly at the time of my apology. At the same time though, I think the person does have some control over the process of forgiveness. I don't think they can force it, but I think they can definitely prevent it by dwelling or being negative and bitter. That part is largely their responsibility. I also think that it's possible to actively work toward forgiving someone, and if they aren't doing that then I can see your point as well. I do think the apology itself is very important in the forgiveness process. If it's a relatively mild offense then I think very often just the act of acknowledging responsibility for it and expressing remorse is enough to evoke the emotions of forgiveness. With more major things though it's going to take some time and some effort on both people's part, in my opinion. Also, I hope you don't mind, but I'd like to start a thread related to this topic That is a great and very important thread! Well you know if you didn't always... ...read in dimly lit rooms Just my thoughts Take care all, Kevin