AFriendlyFace

Now I don't feel as much like an insensitive jerk anymore. My original post in this thread pretty much expressed those sentiments, but I decided to edit it to be a bit nicer.

Happy Birthday, Maddy! Have an awesome day and a terrific decade!

Poor CJ is going to be awfully tired!

Hmm, how can I express my thoughts on this topic? I read your last blog entry and didn't know then either how to express what I was thinking, so I remained silent. Suffice to say I agree with Old Bob. In general I think "fighting for peace" is about as sensible as "f***ing for abstinence" I am a pacifist though and undoubtedly biased. I think there's an individuality here that both points might be missing. If you have needed the fight, the conflict to keep going, then that's excellent and I'm glad you've had it. If on the other hand one needs to accept things as they are and resolve themselves to a peaceful, non-aggressive approach to find their inner harmony then that's a difference in personality and natures. There actually seems to be a sort of stoic acceptance on both sides. You accept that peace will not occur in your lifetime but that it is worth fighting for. Old Bob (and myself) accept that things just are and that our feelings on them are more readily and worthily changed. For me it seems painfully simple. If we all simply quit fighting and committing acts of violence then war would cease and peace would reign. No, I can't stop everyone else from committing acts of violence, but I can decide to do my part by being non-violent myself. I accept that as a whole the rest of humanity probably won't take on this philosophy any time in the near future. I accept that strife will continue. However, I don't have to add my own fists and guns to it. I will defend myself and I will defend my loved ones from direct physical threats. That's as far as I'm willing to take it. I'm not willing to fight for any abstract possibility or even as a general defense. I'm only willing to behave violently as a defensive reaction to a direct and personal threat. That means if I'm walking down the street and someone attacks me, or my friends, I'll fight back, and I'll fight quite relentlessly and viciously at that. I will not go to war on the principle of some ideal or even because of any kind of terrorism which comes from a target too vague to strike at. If I'm going to 'fight' then I need a physical face to be looking at, and I need that face to be snarling and attacking. Otherwise I'm going to sit in my living room and espouse the value of peace and diplomacy. Anyway, as I said, I'm sure it's largely a personal difference; I can certainly see where you're coming from As a poem it's lovely and powerful Take care, Kevin

I think Kit and mandel have already given excellent critiques, and I agree with them. For my part though, I found this poem HOT. It had a very erotic quality to it. The rhythm was indeed excellent, and the subject is something I can relate to. I've had several 'steamy love affairs' which lasted the duration of one song All around excellent! Hot, poetic, and a bit bittersweet yet still tongue and cheek! Great! -Kevin

Very eloquent description

I think it's wonderful that these people have moved on with their lives and not allowed this event to define them. I really think moving past it and making the most of one's life should be ideal when faced with any such catastrophe. I'm delighted when people don't assume a victim's stance or allow themselves to be ruled by fear. I think going on and leading happy, productive lives without bitterness or fear is by far the best thing anyone can do! Well done -Kevin

Well I definitely like a lot of tongue, but I enjoy the whole experience. The initial contact of the lips, the gentle opening, the tongues making first contact, the exploration of each others' mouths. I also like lip sucking and just an ever small amount of biting. More like gentle pulling really. Naturally hands should be all over during this experience I really enjoy making out, in fact it's one of my favourite sexual activities. What I don't like is an overly passive partner. I generally expect that I'll likely be more 'aggressive' in mouth to mouth contact than my partner; it's just been my experience thus far, but it really frustrates me when he doesn't initiate anything. Yes, it's fun to just 'have my way with him," but after awhile it gets a bit boring. I enjoy a sort of playfulness to the experience. I like there to be times when I'm 'fully in there' and he's being passive, and I like there to be times when he's 'fully in there' and I'm being passive. I also like there to be times when we're both 'going at it' aggressively, and times when it's delicate and there's a minimal, light contact. It's also really fun to 'tease' such that I go in for a deep kiss and he pulls back a bit, or vise versa. Now like everyone else when you said open versus closed, I wasn't thinking of this completely open mouthed tongues flailing about in open air kinda thing. I do prefer closed over that. However, I can see how even that would be a bit fun once you get going. I doubt I'd want to make it my primary make out activity though. Anyway variety in all things Hmm, you know I really think I'd enjoy kissing you, Corvus! -Kevin

I think Dion's post and responses most closely reflect my philosophy on this topic. Generally I would say that when you get hurt the best course of action is to acknowledge the hurt, feel it, and then let go of it. When you think someone you care about might be in danger all you can do is try to express concern and gently warn them. You can't 'avoid' such people in the first place, but you can get over the pain they inflect. You can then avoid those people. It's not perfect, but it generally works, at least for me. To go into further detail on each point (because as we're all aware brevity isn't my strong suit ), I think one way to help yourself get over the pain is to see the other person as more of an individual. It may really have been an accident, a misunderstanding, or simple insensitivity. Which doesn't change the fact that they hurt you, but it may make it easier for you to get over it. Another point is to remember that as people none of us is perfect. You yourself have probably behaved cruelly too. I also find it helpful to think about what might be their motives. Are they insecure? Scared? Angry about something? Basically I suggest humanizing the offending party. It will give you a greater sense of control over the situation and won't seem so much like a random act that you're powerless against. I find doing these things also generally makes it easier to move past the pain and let it go. As the old expression goes, "resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die." I really do believe in the other old adage that, "living well is the best revenge." Blow it off, forget about the other person, and move on with your life. (after you acknowledge, accept, and feel the hurt that is) Regarding the warning of friends and loved ones, I think that what is important is that you acknowledge that you can't protect them 100%. People do need to make their own mistakes sometimes and sometimes even if you can stop them, it doesn't mean that you should because regret and uncertainty can often be harder than pain to get over and move beyond. Another important point to remember is that you may not know what is best for the other person. You may have your own very strong opinions, but interpersonal dynamics vary between people. It's quite possible that this cruel person was cruel in part because of the way your personalities interacted. With this other person the 'cruel individual' may actually be very kind and gentle. Apart from differences in personalities it's also helpful to remember that people act differently at different times and for different reasons. Maybe the cruel person hasn't so much 'changed' (because you may or may not think that that is possible), as they have moved beyond the situation they were originally in which led to their behaviour. Here's an example of that last point. Let's say you meet a guy and have a relationship with him, but he hasn't completely come to terms with his sexuality or generally feels negatively about it, and as a result he ends up behaving cruelly and hurting you. Naturally you might not want your best friend to date him a few years later, but there really is every chance that the person has now accepted himself and moved beyond a lot of those negative feelings he was dealing with when the two of you were together. It doesn't 'excuse' him for his behaviour to you, but it does effectively remove the likelihood that he will 'sin again' at least with regards to those motives and reasons. So people are different and interact differently, and sometimes cruel people 'change' and situations themselves definitely change so maybe your loved one won't get hurt after all. Ignoring those first two general conditions (the first being that maybe your loved one needs to find out for themselves and the second being that maybe your loved one won't actually get hurt in the first place) let's turn to what you can say if you feel you have to. I generally think that it's best to start of by acknowledging that you're not trying to control the other person, that you acknowledge that they may know more about their own situation than you do, and that you'll ultimately respect their decisions. That helps put the other person at ease and makes them less defensive to what you're trying to say. Next express that your concern isn't founded on your own dislike of the person but from a genuine concern for their well-being. You care and that's why you want to say what you're saying. Finally, honestly express your concern, relate your own story, and tell them that regardless you'll continue to be there for them. If you can't generally say and do those things honestly, then perhaps it would be good to examine your own motives in wanting to stop them. Lastly, do continue to be there for them and be supportive regardless of what happens. If everything turns out great, then let go of your suspicion and try to express honest happiness for your friend. If things turn out poorly, resist the urge to say "I told you so" (in any of its forms) and just genuinely try to be there to make them feel better. Regarding the last point, the part about avoiding these people, yeah you really can't. You're always going to get hurt and meet people who treat you less than ideal. However, if you develop good coping skills and a general sense of confidence then you needn't be fearful of these experiences and these people. Face them when they occur and then pick yourself up and go on. Anyway, those are just my thoughts, based on my experiences and perspectives; they may not work for everyone I suppose. Take care and have a great day Kevin

The question is, now that CJ is locked up (animal shelter) how is this going to impact the posting schedule?

Happy Birthday, Kurt! I hope you have a fantastic day and a terrific year!

I would certainly completely agree with all of that! It definitely is a case by case thing and no, certainly not black and white. I hope everything works out for your family. It definitely sounds like they have each other's best interests in mind.

Sounds rough, Eric I'll make a few suggestions. Try taking on less. Accept that you can't (or just don't want) to do everything and say no sometimes. Do it in a nice way, but don't take on more than you can handle or everyone and everything suffers, especially you yourself. I would suggest making a list of what your main priorities are and focusing on those. Put the others on the back burner and get to them once you've stabilized the others. I don't know what is the most important, but let's say it's continuing to find time for Matt and getting your license restored. Realistically maybe that means less time for friends, not taking any extra family commitments, and maybe not even managing to get the school stuff sorted out this semester, and making moving otu a long-term goal instead of a near-future one. Or maybe moving out is a high priority and so is being there for your family. In that case maybe you should put school and the license on hold, and take things more casually with Matt. I obviously don't know what your top priorities actually are, but I would encourage you to figure them out and accept that in order to attain them you may have to take things much more slowly on the other fronts. I suppose one other option would be to continue to try to do them all, but if that's the case, then accept that that means you're taking them all slowly and don't let any one of them demand too much, nor be disappointed by slow progress. But perhaps I'm completely wrong, and only you can really know for sure what you need and want Good luck and take care, Kevin

Sorry I missed this post before. That does sound good and the spirit of living happily and according to your own values right where you are is most definitely something I'm completely in favour of will vocally support! Thanks Celia

Hey Celia I most definitely do not let others dictate what I should want or what I should be doing. LOL, in fact avoiding that state of being has been one of my main priorities in life. I have no trouble picking and choosing where to indulge consumerism and it is completely related to my personal taste and preference. For example I'm not at all interested in nice electronics or cars. Also, while I certainly like fashion, my choices are based in my opinion of what looks nice and not necessarily what is the latest 'must have.' Also I have no interest at all in expensive jewelry or watches. I like wearing things around my neck or wrist, but I tend to prefer "bohemian" sort of things that tend to be of little actual monetary value. I wouldn't buy a big screen, flat TV, a fancy sports car, or a Cartier watch regardless of how much money I had simply because I don't personally like them or have any interest in them. Also, I disagree with you about the spirit of the article. I think you're right that people can live this spiritual style life in any setting; however, it seems that the people profiled could not do so in the city. As for nature, I like interacting with nature...as long as I can do it from the luxury and comfort of modern conveniences. I'm glad you had such a wealth of different experiences that you found satisfying That was not my intention at all and please let me correct that impression. I meant to express that my personal preference, having directly experienced everything from rural, small town, and metropolitan city life, is for the metropolis. That's just my personal preference and that's why I chose urban living for myself. However, I meant to be equally as harsh in the evaluation of someone who uproots his rural family to plant them in the middle of a big city. The problem isn't people leaving the city for the country; the problem is one person making a decision which forces his or her family to leave one environment where they are happy and comfortable (whatever that environment may be) for any other environment which they may not particularly want to go. I would be just as remiss if I somehow ended up in a small farming community, met a nice guy who liked rural living, and raised a couple of kids who were happy and content with their lives and then suddenly decide, "okay gang, time to move to the city." That isn't what they signed up for and it would be unfair of me to foist it on them. Of course they could benefit. So too could my hypothetical family above if they followed me into the city. Regardless I don't feel that it's my decision to make with their lives. As I said, it is a bit different with younger children, and it's fine if for whatever reason the spouse doesn't have a preference or also wants to make this move, but with reluctant teens and spouses who are happy with their life as is, this is simply unfair in my opinion. Also regarding two other points you'd made about whether or not the move was 'needless' and the happiness of the girl. You're right I don't absolutely know that the move wasn't needless, but the way the article read it certainly sounded like it was. It sounded like the family was getting by fine, but felt moderately unhappy and dissatisfied and wanted to do something about it. Sorry, but that situation is not justification for forcing their 15 year old daughter to move with them if she was like most teens and didn't want to leave her friends and face a complete culture shock (this wasn't simply moving to a new school distract after all). It sounds like the parents were able to continue coping as is for another three years, whereas that sudden move would almost certainly cause major stress and dissatisfaction to their maturing child. I think younger kids are more easy going and adaptive when it comes to this sort of thing, and certainly less resentful. I also think that it's one thing to have to wait 8 or 9 years, when your child could easily adapt, versus only waiting 3 or 4 when the child probably wouldn't easily adapt. Finally, you're right, I'm only speculating that the daughter was unhappy. She certainly may not have been, and if she did indeed like the move and her new life then yes, in this case it's a moot point. However, I'm not talking specifically about this situation, but only carrying it over to situations in general. In general I think it's a bad idea to uproot a content family and take them into a new environment simply because you are unhappy but can cope with the situation. That's selfish IMO. This family seemed like they could have continued coping (as I said whether they could or not is irrelevant because I'm not only talking about this family) so unless the daughter was very excited and happy about the move I think they acted in a selfish way (and as I said maybe she was, again that's irrelevant because I'm not only talking about this family). Eh, I hope that makes more sense, Kevin

Good picture, Ash! Very seductive Terrific pictures, Johnathan! Once you come out you'll beating the guys away with a stick!

Welcome to the site, blksantos! It's nice to see a lurker jump out of the shadows and onto the boards! Welcome to the side, painservedcold! Looks like you've jumped in with both feet and I'm really looking forward to seeing more of you around here! Take care everyone -Kevin

I read the article, frankly it sounds horrible to me! I very much hope that does not happen. Call me a materialist if you will, but that seems like a big, unattractive step backward and personally I don't intend to live like that if I can help it. If it makes other people happier then that's great, but I'm pretty sure that isn't the life for me! Another thing I find of interest is the family featured in the article, the mom, dad, and daughter who decided to pull a "Green Acres." Well good for mom and dad if that's what they wanted and if they're happy about it. I did note however, that no one mentioned how their 15-year old daughter felt about this. Maybe I'm being cynical and maybe she's completely thrilled at her new life, but I think there's every chance she's miserable. As I said, if she's not then this is a good fit for the family and I'm glad for them, but in general this brings up a very relevant topic if you ask me. It's my opinion that it's completely unacceptable for a husband and/or father to just decide he's unhappy with his life and just up and move into some drastically different version (and that goes for whether he's living in the city and moves to the country OR the other way around). He's not a lone individual in this case. He has a wife and children and they didn't sign up for this. I don't mean to pick on straight men the same is most definitely just as true of a straight married woman, a gay couple, or a lesbian couple. Regardless there's a family 'unit' and if they formed in the setting of NYC, or the pastoral pleasures of the Midwest, it isn't fair to expect the rest of the individuals in that unit to give up their lives because one of them has suddenly had an 'awakening.' This whole oft repeated tale of 'the little woman and the kids' following daddy as he hops around the country (or the world in some cases, most notably the military) is frankly nauseating to me. They're individuals in their own right too and they damn well should have some input. I agree that it's a bit different in the case of kids. Yes, for the most part they don't ultimately have a final say in these matters; however, I don't think they have no say in it either. I also think that there's a hell of a lot of difference between making your 5 year old uproot and making your 15 year old uproot. In some cases it might be necessary, but IMO the instance profiled above was not one of them. As I said, if the girl actually wanted to do this then great, but if not the only decent thing to do as parents (in my opinion at least) is wait another three or four years until she is old enough to legally and realistically decide for herself whether or not she wants to move with her family or remain on her own. I believe that as parents and as 'one half of a couple' people have certain responsibilities that they've taken on. As a single person I am perfectly free to make major lifestyle changes or travel about like a gypsy. However, once I enter into a serious, long-term relationship that has the expectation of permanence I'd better be damn sure that my partner and I want the same things when it comes to the major issues or else I'm (rightfully) screwed when he expects that we'll just maintain the status quo. By the same token once I become a parent I've got to accept that at this point I'm raising a child and I'm going to have to make sacrifices and delay my own gratification for the sake of allowing that child a stable life. This article doesn't win any points with me either on a personal preference level (I like urban living) or on a moral, philosophical level (uprooting your family needlessly like that is irresponsible in my opinion). Just my thoughts. Take care all and have a great day -Kevin

Wooo HOOO! That's awesome, dude! And yes, it almost certainly will get better. My friend and I did the 'walking on egg shells' thing for a long time too. It does get better and more comfortable, it just takes some time for each person to adjust and see that everything is okay.

I think that's beautifully said, Jovian! Hehe, this is pretty much where I'm at as well! I can't deny that I generally find guys between about 18-22 the most attractive. Awwww Not to criticise, I mean after all this thread is more or less for fantasies and you're certainly entitled to your own, but I think the "knows what I'm thinking and feeling just by looking" thing is frustrating and a bit unreasonable in real life (I can see how it might be nice in a fantasy though). I actually think I am pretty good at reading people's emotions and correctly guessing what they're feeling; however, I'm not perfect at this (no one is) and it still drives me crazy when they won't talk about it but somehow expect me to magically know. I'm a pretty sensitive, emotionally available guy. I care what the other person is thinking and feeling and I'm willing to talk about it. I hate trying to guess and then being 'punished' if I guess incorrectly though. Eh, just a personal rant. Take care all Kevin

Happy Birthday, Benny!! Miss ya and hope you're doing great!!! -Kevin

I used to recycle religiously....became a bit disillusioned though. Like DragonFire I heard about a lot of instances in which things weren't actually recycled. I also read several articles about how if you put the wrong thing in there it messes everything up. Combine that with the fact that recycling became progressively less and less convenient (fewer and fewer recycling bins/locations etc.) and I pretty much gave up. If I walk by a recycling bin and I have something, and I know it's an acceptable item to drop in, then I do, but apart from that I've pretty much given up on it. I think convenience really is the main factor. If they simply had a lot more bins and encouraged people to drop even the more questionable items in for later sorting, then I for one would definitely do it. My primary "excuse" for not being more green is that I'm a vegetarian and that supposedly greatly reduces my carbon footprint, so I like to think it works out in the end. ...probably doesn't, but I like to think it does. -Kevin

Thanks for the advice and support everyone This topic hasn't come up between us recently so I'm not sure if he's seeing/planning to see the ex or not. For now I guess I'll just leave the issue alone.

That does seem plausible, I had read and dismissed the theory for exactly the reason you cite: the authors receiving messages about their books! However, I suppose it does make sense that confused employees might have answered with a canned response. I read GLAAD's statement and I'm really hoping Amazon does make a gesture to apologize:

Why am I getting an image of one of those old supermarket contests for the "10,000th shopper" or something where the guy walks through the door and all the bells and sirens go off and the balloons drop? We've probably scared zako! WOOO HOOOO!! Congrats to GA and to all!