AFriendlyFace

Awww, that sounds rough Obviously I don't know what sort of resources exist in your area, but have you considered non-club/bar type atmospheres? Even if you're not interested in to political/activist groups there are often a lot of specialized organizations for specific hobbies and interests Sorry you haven't been able to find a comfortable GLBT community -Kevin

It sounds to me like you handle the situation really well, JJ! I completely agree with everything you've posted in this thread thus far. I generally like to wait for the topic to arise naturally and then "out" myself. The ways you suggested are excellent, and very proactive. I commend you! I'm a bit...insulated from repeat contact with straight people so it doesn't come up a great deal for me. All my friends are GLBT and I tend to socialize in GLBT settings. Thus the new people I meet and might potentially form friendships with are themselves GLBT or very aware that I probably am given the setting in which we met and the people I was with. Obviously I meet many straight people in day to day life, but that tends to be very casually and briefly and I often never see them again, so I don't really bother either way. For the past several years my only sustained, significant contact with straight people has generally been in the workplace. Whenever I start a new job, I just wait for it to come up and then mention it. Then I figure that word will spread as it is apt to do in most workplaces. I avoid working anywhere in the first place that I think might be homophobic and thus far I've never had any bad experiences at a job. I currently work for a very small company and everyone is very much okay with it and supportive of GLBT issues The only other situation would be neighbours I suppose. I don't tend to be overly interested in my neighbours in the first place. If they strike up conversation with me I'll be polite back, but generally a smile and nod is as far as I'm interested in taking the neighbour relationship. It's just never really occurred to me to try to befriend my neighbours. I've got plenty of other friends I know through similar interests and activities, it's always seemed a bit random to me to try to befriend someone simply because you live near them. I've also generally been of the attitude that I very much want to avoid any neighbourhood drama and the best way to do that is to avoid getting to know them. For some reason all my friends and family have typically been surprised that I'm not a very "neighbourly" person. I think the reason is that I like for my home to be a safe, quiet haven. There is enough going on in my personal life and my career life. I'm glad if none of the neighbours talk to me when I get home. One couple that lives near me is very friendly and I always do say hi to them when I see them. LOL, I still don't know there names, even though they've been my "favourite" neighbours for over two years now. I'm pretty sure they are aware of my sexuality though given how many of my GLBT friends they've seen me with over the years (not to mention dates I've taken back to my place ). For the record I'm not simply "heterophobic" when it comes to neighbours. In the last place I lived my neighbours were a gay couple. I guess I had a marginally closer relationship with them since I occasionally ran into them in bars, clubs, and other events, but by and large I still liked the "just friendly" approach. I guess I'm a tad reclusive, but I like it if no one knocks on my door, lol. -Kevin

You mean you and John are going to live in the Nifty Archives?

Welcome to the fold, dude! It's great to have ya -Kevin

I just wanted to wish a happy and special 20th birthday to James! I hope you have a fantastic birthday and a great day! -Kevin

Happy Birthday, Eric! -Kevin

I'm so sorry.

I'm so glad that things have worked out on this front! I told you I had a good feeling about it Oh that really makes sense to me! That's kinda my attitude too. That's why I have a strict policy about not going down either a romantic or sexual road with friends. Personally, romantic relationships aren't nearly as important to me as friendships. They come and go, and most of the time I'm fine either way. I always try to enjoy them, and if/when they do end I try to make it as positive a split as possible, but I very much put them on a much lower plane than I do my close friendships. Roughly speaking my attitude can be summed up as, "Boyfriends come and go, but friends are forever." Dating and sex are great, but a true friendship is better. Of course I'm open to changing that stance if the right person comes along. By and large though I'm content with casual boyfriends and deep, close friends. For me when I first meet someone there are two very distinct paths the relationship can go down. We can be friends or we can be lovers. Obviously if we're lovers we're friends as well, but for me I pretty much need the lover/romantic/sexual aspect to develop first. That's not to say that I need to have sex with someone right away if I'm going to be romantic with them, but I do need for things to be sexual (at least playful and flirtatious) and overtly romantic. It has to be clear to me that we're on a date and not just hanging out as buds. I think I'm sort of in the minority in this. I think most people prefer the "friends first" thing when developing a relationship, but personally I'm really more comfortable with it being overtly romantic. To date I've never developed a romantic or sexual relationship with someone I first and primarily considered a friend. In contrast, I've developed several friendships with people I at one time had a romantic relationship with that didn't work out. However, with one exception that I'd be interested in trying again with, once the romantic door closed and the friendship door opened I came to view possible future romance as highly unlikely. Even with this one exception, though we were emotionally close as boyfriends we haven't been that close as friends, and that's probably the only reason I still consider him a good possibility. For me "friendcest" is just not something I'm comfortable doing. You know, that might actually be a good starting point if you really want to pursue this. I very actively avoid sexual contact with my friends, but I think that if it had already happened once in the past, I'd be much more willing to do it again. From my perspective I would be able to step back and look at it and say, "hmm, we had sex once before and we're still good friends. Maybe a sexual relationship with this person is possible." If there were very strong and clear guidelines and ground rules I might consider it. From there it wouldn't be as hard to theoretically seduce me into a relationship. It would simply take gradually discussing the ground rules with me and slowly - and mutually - changing them into things that increasingly approximated an actual romantic relationship yet didn't set off any alarms in terms of my comfort with the situation. For example as a best friend whom I also had sex with, I could probably be talked into going "as a date" to some sort of function. It would have to be one of those "in name only, platonic" sort of dates, but if it worked out and we did it a couple of times, I'd probably be willing to do increasingly datish things and eventually to try an "official date." If that worked out then I'd be happy to re-negotiate the terms of our relationship and start to define us as actual boyfriends (and from there "serious boyfriends" and eventually "life partners" if everything kept progressing in the right direction). What would be needed, for me, is assurances all along the way that it was our friendship that was of primary importance, as well as a solemn vow to maintain the friendship even if the sexual, and eventual romantic aspect of the relationship died. Simply put, if I'm not scared of wrecking the friendship, and the progression to full out, serious couple, is very gradual, then I'd probably be willing to try a serious relationship with a close friend. Of course maybe your friend is very different from me, but it sounds like we have at least a few things in common, so I thought I'd give you my perspective. Regardless, at least you have the friendship back, and I think that's the most important thing -Kevin

Hmm, I think perhaps I didn't make myself clear in my post. I don't think I can be defined in the span of one short post (or even in the span of one of my typically long posts ). I agree that "defining yourself personally" (not quite how I would have phrased it) is indeed a lifelong journey. I am a person continually evolving. My "definition" is always in flux to some extent. Personally I think that is the case for everyone. I could most definitely say more about my identity as I see it, but regardless of how many things I said, my statement would be hopelessly incomplete. It would also be inaccurate to some degree since there will always be an inherent degree of paradoxical information. For example I'm lazy, yet stubborn and unwilling to give up. I'm intellectually curious, yet I don't like undertaking things which don't come easy. How can these inconsistencies be resolved? They can't, at least not 'on paper.' I did attempt to give some definition of "who I am," but I hope no one takes it as even a slightly full depiction. I most definitely do eschew labels; however, if there's one thing I do not eschew it is self-discovery and introspection. The difference is, I would rather take a few thousand words to explain one small aspect of myself than to use a one or two word label which I would almost certainly feel is incomplete. An obvious and simple example is that I am culturally gay. However, whether than simply say that, I would rather explain it. The same is true about nearly all of my "qualities." When faced with the vague, all-encompassing question "What defines you?" I can't even begin to formulate a thorough answer in the span of a single post because there's just too much there to tackle. The best I can do is sort of offer a brief list highlighting a few things I consider relevant in the moment. Finally, I would say that identity is a completely subjective experience. My experience of my identity is different from everyone else's experience of my identity. If you ask me who I am I'll answer one way, my friends will answer another (and each of them differently), my co-workers (again, each differently) will answer another way, my family will answer differently, and everyone I come across in my daily life will have yet another perception. Certainly there are some common aspects that most people might perceive. I think I'm generally perceived as good-humoured and resilient so those qualities made the brief list. Basically I am a relativist. Identity is relative in my opinion. Existence is relative. The best I can do is offer a brief explanation of who I am, at the moment, to myself. That says nothing about who I'll be next year to myself, yet alone to anyone else. I also think that identity is a partially self-discovery, partially exercise of will. I am continually learning new things about myself while simultaneously deciding which qualities to express and how to express them. At one point in my life I could have very accurately said that, like Krista, I hate change. That is no longer the case at all. I now prefer to "go with the flow" and see where I end up. Of course that isn't always true. Some things I like to be routine. Over the course of my life the way I express my sense of humour has changed many times. I've alternatively seen myself, the same qualities of myself, in drastically different ways. Like everyone else (at least I strongly suspect), I've at times viewed myself as very kind and very mean; very friendly and very shy; very hard-working and very lazy; very resourceful and very limited; very intelligent and very slow; very independent and very dependent....obviously I could go on and on. I don't think I can "define myself" even if I want to because inevitably there will be things which simply don't fit. Inevitably there will be contradictory information and protestations from other people. Inevitably my identity will be at least partly dynamic. Inevitably I will learn something new about myself which I hadn't previously known. Inevitably I will decide to express something a different way. Inevitably I will seek to minimize one aspect of 'being' and accentuate another.

Of course being single is underrated! That's pretty obvious in my opinion. A single person doesn't need to worry about coordinating with a partner's schedule. A single person is free to go out with friends, spontaneously without checking with a partner. A single person is free to not come home after work/school, but can instead randomly decide to go out, and freely decide if/when they want to come home. A single person can come straight home and be completely alone and do whatever the hell he/she pleases without worrying about a partner trying to drag them out, having their own agenda, or trying to talk them into a different at home activity that they didn't have in mind. A single person is free to cancel or change plans as they see fit. A single person can completely and totally focus on themselves without feeling selfish or worrying about hurting a partner. A single person can pursue any interest or new activity they like without trying to figure out how to include the partner, or work the new interest/activity into their joint schedule. A single person can make major life decisions like moving, buying/selling a home, changing jobs, going back to school, dropping out of school, etc. without consulting a partner or worrying about how it will impact the other person. A single person can leave their socks wherever the hell they please. A single person doesn't have to worry about finding socks where they don't want/expect them. (Ditto the above two with any other article of clothing/laundry, dish, trash, etc.) A single person can arrange their homes and their lives exactly as they see fit without consulting anyone else or having to worry about someone else doing something to change it. A single person is able to explore themselves and their lives freely. There is no worry about "making changes" or "becoming someone else" because it's their prerogative. A single person can spend his/her money however he/she sees fit without concern about the partner's reaction or their own plans for the money. A single person is welcome to develop a sexual and/or emotional relationship with anyone else he/she sees fit. A single person can think about the qualities, all the qualities, he/she most wants in a partner...and not have to compare those qualities to their current partner. I think being single is at least as good as being partnered, and I also think that everyone should master being happily single before they ever attempt to be happily partnered. -Kevin

Hey dude, I have a few thoughts on what you've written. Regardless of where you are or what you're doing you'll always be dissatisfied unless you feel okay with yourself and your actions. You don't need the approval of your friends or the approval of the people here at GA, but unless you have your own approval you'll probably care what other people think. I've lived in a small city, a mid-size city, and now a very large city, and I'll tell you, when it comes to cities my experience has been "the bigger the better." There's just more to do, more options, more people, and more fun in a big city. Small town life has some perks too, but my experience has been that within the big city you can still build your own smaller "community" and then you have that benefit, plus the benefit of having all the art, entertainment, culture, and general fun and excitement of the big city. That's just my experience though. Anyway, point is Leguna Beach sounds fun. I'm no stranger to the party scene myself. There's nothing wrong with partying as long as you keep it safe and responsible, and know your limits. So enjoy yourself and do that until it really, truly does get old. Right now, based on your blog post, it kinda sounds like it hasn't. It sounds like you're still enjoying it. Bear in mind though, that if you're looking for something "real" in the true love, or even deep friendship sense, you're probably not going to find it on the party circuit. Don't get me wrong you can definitely enjoy the party circuit with people you have a legitimate and true connection with, but forming that connection itself probably won't happen in that environment. It's a kind of carefree, superficial, selfish sort of environment. There's nothing wrong with that per se, and that doesn't mean you or the other people doing it are that way, but it's just not the best setting for forming deep relationships. Personally, I have a lot of wild, carefree times with people I legitimately love and care for, but I brought those people with me, I didn't find them there. I have met new people on the party circuit that I've grown to truly care about, but this happened as a result of meeting them, and then getting together away from that setting later. Of course maybe that's just my experience. Maybe it isn't the same for you. Anyway, I wouldn't feel bad about it at all, more power to you if you're having fun and being safe. Just don't delude yourself about finding something deep there. Take as the casual, light-hearted fun that it is. Again, just my thoughts and experiences though Regarding being here, I'd say you should take that for what it is as well. Are you enjoying the conversation? Meeting people from all over the country and the world? The varied forum topics? The great gay themed stories? Something else? Well whatever it is, I'd say just go with it and see where it ends up. Whether you stay or go - here at GA, or in your Leguna Beach world - is ultimately irrelevant. Just enjoy your time, try to spread enjoyment to others, and try to avoid doing things you'll regret. If/when it does run its course, just be sure that you take the lessons and experiences with you. It might also be nice to take the people that you most care about with you as well (at least in some sense, be it memory, physically going somewhere with them, or just keeping in contact). Personally, my own experience is that I like a great deal of experiences and environments. Sometimes I like to hit up parties and clubs with close friends, sometimes I like to hit up parties and clubs with casual friends. Sometimes I like smaller get togethers with a combination of close friends and new people. Sometimes I like to have the smaller get togethers with almost exclusively friends or almost exclusively new people and casual acquaintances. Other times I like to get together with a small handful of friends for quieter activities like dinner, shopping, games, walks, etc. I very often enjoy spending one on one time with a close friend, or a casual friend I want to get to know better. Other times I like to go out alone and enjoy my own company, but with the background bustle of other people. Often I like to be "alone" but engage in 'social' activities like GA, or online gaming. Other times I like to be alone and solitary and do things like reading or writing. I know that if I tried to cut any of those things completely out of my life I would feel as though something were missing. Anyway, the point is, you don't have to worry about "having better things to do." If what you want is to browse the forums or drop by chat, and you have the luxury of time, then there is no "better thing to do" because you're already doing exactly what you want. On the other hand, if what you want in the moment is to go to a beach party, then that's your best course of action. Obviously there are a multitude of other options as well Don't ever worry about "having something better to do" if you're doing what you find most compelling at the time. One final note, I would suggest that you do find a way to "exist" without other people. Obviously my perspective may be a bit biased since I am both extremely social and extroverted and also extremely solitary and introverted (not simultaneously obviously ). One thing is for sure though, I would be miserable if I felt I needed someone, anyone, else to give me meaning. If I couldn't be happy and fulfilled as an individual and by myself, then I'd be concerned. Of course, if I were unable to find enjoyment and significance in my time spent with others I'd also be concerned. Anyway, I tend to be a bit long-winded so I'm sorry for prattling on. As I said, all my thoughts are just based on my own experiences and values, they certainly don't work for everyone. Regardless, I'm wishing you the best! Take care, Kevin

Good luck with everything. Let us know how it goes.

Cool survey!

Well that's great! Congrats, Jan!

I think the only reason for this is because CJ went away on vacation for awhile. I'm sure that now that he's back he'll be in no danger of losing his title. -Kevin

What defines me? Of course I'm tempted to say nothing because I don't really believe I can defined or summed up in a few words. However, since you asked, here a few "fundamental" aspects of my personality that I hold dear: -I am very open-minded and willing to re-adjust my stance and opinion as more information becomes available. -I am intellectually curious and always delighted to learn new things. -I am very forgiving. I may not "forget," but I will always make an honest effort to forgive. -I am resilient. -I am fairly good at remaining rational while still feeling and acknowledging my emotions. -I genuinely attempt to be pleasant to people. -I am in at least a fairly good mood the majority of the time. -I see the humour in the situation. -I have a great deal of fun. On the traditionally perceived as less positive side of the spectrum: -I am disinclined to do something which I find unenjoyable. I am often quite lazy. -I am a bit spoiled and used to doing and having things on my own terms. -I can be very stubborn. -I am unprejudiced with regards to race, gender, religion, ethnicity, and social class, but I can be intellectually snobby at times and, at least with regards to the people I date, sometimes a bit superficial. I do attempt to hide this though. Anyway, if I had to pick something specific that defines me, I guess I would have to say that it is that I am continually seeking ways of finding happiness, enjoyment, and peace, regardless of my surroundings or circumstances. -Kevin

Well I think it's a great idea and I really like the idea that a portion of the proceeds will be donated to charity.

An excellent piece! I thoroughly enjoyed it. I am friends with multiple couples in which at least one of the two people is transgendered. It seems like very often trans issues are ignored or swept under the rug, so I'm delighted by this article. Best of luck to you and your sons

This is fantastic, Dolores! Thanks!

CJ's post most closely mirrors my own feelings. Don't hack or invade his privacy. Put simply two wrongs don't make a right. I think the joining and arranging a date option is incredibly devious and I have a lot of compunctions against it...but it's also really tempting and might give you a definitive answer. Either way, if it turns out that he is cheating, or seriously experimenting with the idea, then to be blunt I say kick him to curb and move on. It might be a major hassle and financially costly, but - personally speaking - I just wouldn't tolerate someone like that in my life, let alone in my house and my bed. Of course that's my visceral reaction. Pragmatically there might be better choices. Maybe you could talk it out and work through it. Perhaps couple's counseling would help. Maybe you might even consider redefining the terms of your relationship. Your decision has to be what will work best for you as a couple and as individuals. However, if you want my personal opinion as I said, I'd dump the cheater and move on. Just my thoughts. Sorry you're going through this. Good luck. -Kevin

I think those are good points. Personally, I don't mind when people claim to be exclusively "Top" or "Bottom," but I find both to be a bit unappealing for a long-term sexual partner. "Versatile" is most appealing to me in a mate, and "Versatile Top" or "Versatile Bottom" would be much more appealing than either "Total Top" or "Total Bottom." As I said, I think it's fine for people to lock themselves into those roles if they want to; however, I very much don't want to be locked into those roles so I find them unappealing in a mate. As I said before, I think that generally these terms can be used to describe a general relationship and personality dynamic as well. In that case I find them even more unappealing. I'd much rather put up with being locked into one sexual role than being locked into one relationship role. That would be completely distasteful to me. I don't personally think that "being a man" or "being a woman" has any actual significance for how one should behave or how one is even likely to behave given one's preference. However, assuming that you take a very traditional understanding of the terms "Man" and "Woman" and also equate them in some way to "Top or Bottom" or "Dominate or Passive" then I have to say that I vehemently don't want a Man/Top/Dominate partner or a Woman/Bottom/Passive partner. I want someone who is comfortable and capable taking on a full array of behaviours and roles given the situation at hand as well as someone with whom I can comfortably take on a full array of behaviours and roles as my needs and desires arise. Of course one might say that my main premise here - that bottom/top does in some way equate to dominate/passive or man/woman - is faulty. That's fine. I freely concede that some people tend to take on one role sexually and another interpersonally. Or perhaps the person likes only one role sexually, but takes on a range of roles interpersonally. That's great (and certainly preferable to me if I do end up with such an individual), but even there it's still not my personal ideal for self expression or my preference for a partner. So anyway, yes, on a strictly sexual level if someone says to me "I'm a total bottom" (and in some way expects me to do something about it versus just making conversation ) I do take that as a negative. However, I take it as equally negative when someone makes the same sort of statement - in a relevant, sexual situation - about being a "total top." Both are personal turn offs for me, at least in a long term sense (perhaps not in a short-term sense since I might be interested in expressing my reciprocal side at the given moment). Just wanted to add that since you made three consecutive posts I went ahead and merged them. If you want to reply to multiple posters it's easiest to use the "Quote" (versus "Reply") feature. Just click "Quote" at the bottom of each post you want to comment on, then click the "Add Reply" (not "Fast Reply") button at the bottom of the screen. The screen that comes up will have all of your quoted posts in it Take care all and have a great day, Kevin

I don't really have anything to add. I just wanted to say that I've thoroughly enjoyed reading this thread! Regarding cliffhangers, I will say that when I feel like there is a 'big risk' of on-going cliffhangers in the material I'm reading or viewing, I often "avoid" them by waiting until enough of the material is around so that I can just read/view on. I don't do that if they're more occasional things, but if I have reason to suspect that they'll be frequent and on-going I like to "save up" whatever the entertainment is so that I'm not left hanging

LOL, how adorable! Google really seems to be pulling out all the stops to look hip and innovative. I definitely support this one. As long as the moonlighting doesn't impact CJ's writing schedule of course