Zolia Lily

With you here, Stu! But i my all-time fave is that deep peacock green colour. I wear it to death.

Usually i'm pretty good. I sometimes have a day or two where i feel low and then suddenly i'll get sick. Makes me wonder if it's my health suffering which causes a low day, or if my immune system suffers when i'm down. A day or two i can normally work through. THe last week i've been feeling lower than i have in a long, long, long time. It's taken me completely by surprise and i spent NYE and my birthday and the time since basically being a zombie and trying not to bawl. Once that mask is off....... i can't hide it like i used to be able to. Going back to work has helped a bit. I find routine and structure help me, and i need to catch up on some sleep, so maybe that will help. And i'm seeing some close friends over the weekend, so that will keep me going too. Maybe it's the time of year. Isn't January 3rd supposed to be the worst day of the year?? It's a pain, but I'll come through. Hope you're feeling better too, Mark.

You guys are sweet - and both your stories support how much of a difference opening up and finding something to be able to talk to freely can make. I think this is also why sometimes counselling doesn't work - if you don't trust that person completely, don't open up to them totally, then you don't make the kind of progress you want. It's certainly why i stopped seeing my pschologist. I really empathise with what you said, Stu- a lot of the time i felt really hollow, or numb. Often i didn't feel low. It was as you said, a kind of apathy - but now i kind of connect it to one of the symptoms of depression that is an inability to enjoy anything and a real sense of isolation. I was functioning, but like you said, behind a mask. When i told a few people i was depressed their initial reactions were always one of disbeleif - 'but you're always so happy!' - HA.

Forgive me if this has been mentioned already - but I cannot go past Priscilla: Queen of the Desert. THE most fabulous movie ever Guy Pearce and Hugo Weaving in the early days - a MUCH better measure of their acting skills than anything else!!! And the costumes- THE COSTUMES!!!

I think I had known for a while but chosen to keep beleiving. My mum sat me down when I was probably 10 and said to me, 'now you know Santa's actually us, don't you?' I nodded. And cried.

Glad to hear you're feeling better, Jeff. All those sorts of big life changes can trigger depression and I hope things continue to get better for you. Gemma, you are right. So often just coming to terms with things, talking things over and facing them head on can make a huge difference.

Oooh have been trying to think of some authors to recommend- online, i guess, since i haven't been doing much BOOK reading of anything other than classics recently ... the one i came up with writes as "Podga" on Literotica. He writes about characters who i think are in their forties (?) and struggle with work and long distance relationships. I found his stories really good, not immature or unresearched. I would definitely recommend them. http://www.literotica.com/stories/memberpage.php?uid=1210670&page=submissions

i read each of your points going "yes. Yes. Yes! YES!" and then laughed outloud. I think my flatmate is wondering.... all really good points, and i have to wonder as well. Perhaps there is some sort of beleif out there that these are winning formulars? I personally love to come across any story which breaks the mould... can i add another point? Two actually, although they're kind of related. Stories where all of the characters, in the words of Derek Zoolander, are really really really ridiculously good looking. Wooden, 2D characters. Characters who don't seem to have a personality and yet someone ridiculously good looking and wealthy is falling all over them. Drives me absolutely batty.

I would totally love to come Not sure if i'll be able to though. If i did, i could speak french too!

My history of job interviews is appalling... sometimes i wonder how i ever got employed! Still, i like to think i've learnt from my mistakes. To what's been said, i would also add avoid being negative about your former places of employment/ bosses etc. And never forget to rehearse answers to questions. And never forget to bring along your certificates / papers / whatever you think there might be a chance you will need. And try to act relaxed and happy. My current job, thought i'd totally failed at the interview (bumbled my way through, nervous as all hell and probably very obviously so....) and got called in for a trial shift the next day. My current boss was scary as all hell and i SO didn't want the job by the end of the interview! I happened to be pretty desperate though!!!! She told me how 2 receptionists had quit at once, and then they'd got two more. One buggered off after two weeks.... and another left for her lunch break and never came back.... It's as a receptionist at an insanely busy clinic and I have now been there for about 12 weeks. I only just feel like i've got the hang of it and there are important lawyers and QCs who come in and get angry at us all the time Anyway. When it's going well i love it. I feel super efficient and like i am ace at multitasking... and then invariably it all goes to hell and i wonder why i ever took the damn job at all!!! Oh yeah. I was desperate.... and i'd consider leaving... but i really really hate job interviews!!!!!!

Had to revive this topic as i have just discovered this piece of music and it is now my all time favourite! Have NOT been able to stop listening to it! SO addictively good! The tension and the foreboding... i LOVE this!!! (and the accompanying dancing and costumes are just a bonus. Ps- has anyone else ever wished for a gay ballet?) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZB3sd2BAxys

Went to dinner with five friends the other night. I knew one of them is depressed, i have been depressed, and another friend was also depressed, and found out that a fifth friend is bipolar. There was only one person at that table who i didn't know about, and she was staying very very quiet. It always stuns me that when you start to talk about these things just how alone we're NOT!

If you were going to talk about the old fracture ... are there x-rays involved? I think the term you would use for the bone rehealing is calcification, but i'm not 100 per cent. Ps- don't be afraid to bluff it. If you pretend to know what you're talking about often you can get away with it!!! I make a whooole load of stuff up when I write. Creative license

Unfortunately i'm overseas without my book of sonnets BUT if you do your research, Shakespeare did exist, and theories suggesting he wasn't the author all seem to stem from the fact that there is this idea that he simply wasn't brilliant enough to have written them himself. Which seems to me a pretty poor reason to go looking for flimsy evidence to the contrary when a far simpler explanation is that Shakespeare was simply a genius. Sorry. You got me started....

Happy Birthday!!! Hope you have a great one!

Friends definitely are important. I initially believed i was bipolar, rather than depressed, since i had massive mood swings. I had a friend who had a brother who i knew was bipolar, and so when i finally got desperate enough to want to talk to someone, i turned to her for help. I couldn't even speak to her in person, so i wrote her a letter and then she called me later. Her response was so offhand and dismissive I never got up the courage to talk to anyone else about it. It took someone else pointing out to my mum how bad my moodswings were and telling her that that was something she really needed to watch before anyone really noticed. I had gotten so good at putting on a face that no one knew. When i was diagnosed, my mum's response was complete shock. Before i had gone to see the psychologist to see the results of all the tests and things, she'd told me 'oh, you're not depressed or anything', and afterwards when i told a few friends, none of them beleived me either. I know how lucky I am that i did get diagnosed - i have no idea how long i would have gone on thinking maybe i was normal, maybe this was it and i should just suck it up and stop wondering if something was wrong with me, if someone hadn't told me mum to take me to see someone. Makes me realise now just how important it is to listen when someone speaks, to take their hand if they reach out. Speaking out was one of the hardest things i had done, and it took me months. Friends make such a difference... either for the better or the worse...

As for tips:. In Italy, if you decide to get a coffee it will cost you more to sit down and drink it than it will to stand at the bar and drink it. Italians often don't really do the breakfast thing at home - a coffee and perhaps a quick biscotti or croissant at the bar on the way to work is pretty common. They'll drink coffee at the point of boiling and they will never order a capuccino after lunch (it's too milky) - but they don't really mind if tourists order one! Never ask for pineapple on a pizza. It just isn't done in Italy. If you see a pizza advertised as a potato pizza- be careful. One of my friends received a pizza piled with hot chips. Lol! If you're around christmas time, try Panettone or Pand'oro (brioche style cakey things, the first with mixed peel, the second without). And if you go to Siena try Panforte (a chocolatey nutty mixed peely sort of dessert. Be careful you don't break your teeth!!!). and GELATI! No matter what time of year, you haven't had gelati until you've had it in Italy! Some italian desserts are great too - the croissants aren't my favourite (they love to fill them with nutella or apricot jam, which i find really weird), but things like Canoli (you may not find these in the north) and Tiramisu, Rhumbaba, little biscuits and cakes you see in cabinets at bars... yummm... Btw - a 'bar' is basically a coffee shop in italy. Eat Lebkuchen in Germany (gingerbread!) and try the cakes! You can get them from backeries and they're great! Schwarzwalderkuchen in the south (black forest cake) ... yummmm!!! In Munich, if you go to the Hofbrauhaus (the big famous beer hall) - you have to try Kasespetzle. They're like mini gnocci/dumplings and they are cheesey and delicious! And eat Brezeln- big german pretzles. So delicious! Pork knuckles, German sausages, sauerkraut... all delicious! Leberkase (means livercheese, but has nothing to do with either liver or cheese) is like a meatloafey sausagey style thing you can eat in a roll with mustard (yum).... And as mentioned above- turkish food is everywhere in Germany. They recently added the kebab to the list of national german foods!!! So easy to travel cheap in Germany and eat bread and salami and cheese... i put on lots of weight while there!!! lol I personally really liked the brown winter beers in Germany - and beer in Germany isn't as sacred as i thought. Apparently, as long as it contains beer, it's all good! You can get beer half half with coke, lemonade, fanta... whatever you like! CHOCOLATE in belgium and switzerland! As well as the chips! If you go to Bruges, there are 2 chip stands under the tower in the main square - be sure to compare the chips from both! lol... Cheese fondu in Switzerland (i forgot to try it) Beer in Belgium and Switzerland too. You can try cherry beer and all sorts! In Austria, try sachertorte- i think it's local! And Strudel nom nom nom.... Also, wine is supposed to be good in the western rhine region of Germany. You're going some amazing places - let me know if you need any tips or travel advice! It's been a few years since i went but i'd love to live vicariously and tell you all about it....

OMG is this just a picture or does the pretty have a name? yummmo!

I don't think anyone's mentioned it yet, so I'll put it out there: Literotica http://www.literotica.com/stories Some of what's there isn't particularly good and some of it has little to no plot, but if you go to 'top lists' and then choose 'gay' as your genre, some of the top stuff is really really good! I even go back and re-read the ones i like best Some of the authors there are fabulous. Lit is my guilty pleasure. Then again... Nope. I don't know what guilt is.

I don't know if anyone's depression ever entirely goes away. I bloody hope it does! Generally now I can tell if i'm getting low and try to do something about it. I start to excercise, write, hang out with friends more, generally try to keep myself busy, and I find that helps. I also find now when I get low i don't go SO low as i used to. I think you're both definitely right though- you have to be active and work at fighting it. Hoping it goes away won't do it. I read an article the other day which i read because of the tagline on the front of the magazine - it was talking about the POSITIVE side of despression, which struck me as insane enough that i actually read the article. I kind of agreed with some of what the article was saying though. The author was saying that depression is the emotional equivalent of pain ; it demands you change something, that you do something to heal and get better, lets you know that what you're currently doing or accepting or the way things currently are just isn't healthy for you, and that depression therefore makes you take steps to change your life for the better. I kind of like this idea, but still. I think she missed the point about how it doesn't just vanish on a dime.......

Aximili- I really used to feel that I wrote more, better and had more inspiration when I was down. I don't think it's uncommon, given how many famous writers and poets have suffered from depression. Anyone else find the same thing? Wanted to point out, too, that I didn't mean to infer in an ealier post that medication isn't the right way to treat depression. Everyone's experience is unique and stopping medication without help like I did is hardly something I would say everyone should do.

I went backpacking in Europe for 7 months over 2008-2009 on my own (for the most post) - and it was one of the best things i've ever done. I stayed in youth hostels, caught overnight buses and ferries, trains... I visited something like 11 countries and had the absolute time of my life. Doing it on my own was one of the things i was most worried about, but in the end, it was great. I could do what i liked, when i liked, without having to make compromises or get annoyed at friends. I also backpacked again for a few months earlier this year with my sister and then with some friends. Loved it, again. Travelling with my sister was great because we could get cross at each other and then go back to normal without it affecting our relationship. Travelling with my friends was also heaps of fun- BUT i don't think their friendship survived it. You have to be careful!!! If you're considering backpacking, some things to consider. It usually invariably costs more than you think it will. You will invariably need about 50 percent less clothes and STUFF than you think you will. There are laundrettes and shops wherever you are going. Pack light. You have to carry that bag everywhere. Pick who you go with wisely. Also, pick your time of year. Summer, great, the weather is good. BUT bookings are harder to make at short notice and there are lots of queues. Don't be afraid to talk to people in hostels or who look like they might be backpacking too. I was seriously surprised by how many people DO backpack on their own - and i've made a heap of friends from around the world just by talking to people. Also- be completely open to experiences, to changing your plans, to enjoying everything. Love it all! LOVE travelling - but i'm having a break for now....

This one courtesy of an Aussie friend in London : What the British say: "You alright?" What the British mean: "How are you?" What is understood: "Why are you asking? Why is everyone asking? Do I really look that sick?"

Recently read In Bill Bryson's book "Shakespeare" that Shakespeare may have had a male lover - suggested by the youth addressed in his sonnets This pleases me to no end!

I'm going to haul you up right there by the scruff of your neck, Mark! So you're not a moderator or admin, and are younger than other members and have only your own experience to fall back on- I don't think any of this makes you any less important than anyone else or any less able to be the one to create a panel or a group. After all, we each only have our own experiences to fall back on, and I think everyone's experiences are equally important. Shall we start one then, Mark? I've been a bit absent but I'm trying to make time to be online more now i'm settled in my new home and job... I have no idea what starting a group or panel involves or how it's done, but getting people talking and giving people the chance to reach out is something I feel really strongly about and would definitely get involved in.