MikeL

Happy Birthday, Matt!

As a woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter with a vibrator. Shocked, she asked: 'what in the world are you doing?' The daughter replied: 'Mom, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.' The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he observed his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator. To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said: 'dad I'm thirty-five, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.' A couple days later, the wife came home from a shopping trip, placed the groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from the living room. She entered that area and observed her husband sitting on the couch, downing a cold beer, and watching TV. The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy. The wife asked: 'What the f... are you doing?' The husband replied: 'I'm watching football with my son-in-law.

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already. The little boy says, 'Dark in here.' The man says, 'Yes, it is.' Boy: 'I have a baseball..' Man: 'That's nice' Boy: 'Want to buy it?' Man: 'No, thanks.' Boy: 'My Dad's outside.' Man: 'OK, how much?' Boy: '$250' In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together. Boy: 'Dark in here.' Man: 'Yes, it is.' Boy: 'I have a baseball glove.' The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, 'How much?' Boy: '$750' Man: 'Sold.' A few days later, the Dad says to the boy, 'Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch.' The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove.' The Dad asks, 'How much did you sell them for?' Boy: '$1,000' The Dad says, 'That's terrible to over-charge your friends like that... that is way more than those two things are worth. I'm taking you to church, to confession.' They go to the church and the Dad makes the little boy sit in the confessional booth and closes the door. The boy says 'Dark in here.' The priest says, 'Don't start that shit again; you're in my closet now.'

I have used Firefox for years. Never had a crash.

There is no such thing as "global warming". That is a catch phrase created by Al Gore to attract people to his world wide speaking tour and to create public demand that governments "do something"...specifically spend money on projects that will be contracted out to companies owned by Al Gore. It's summer in the southern hemisphere. That Russian research vessel which took a load of scientists to the Antarctic to study the effects of global warming got stuck in the ice. Three icebreakers which came to its rescue got stuck in the ice. "Global warming" is a natural phenomenon and a good thing. Some of the most productive periods in human history occurred during the warmer periods. The Renaissance was one.

Not such a big deal considering the British royal family is German. At the outbreak of World War I they changed their name from Saxe-Coburg-Gotha to Windsor.

BEWARE OF THAT UNDERWEAR DUST! One evening a Husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife, 'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in 'Slim Fast'. Maybe it would take a few inches off your butt!' His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded. The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. 'What the Hell is this?' he said to himself as a ittle 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out. 'April', he hollered into the bathroom, 'Why did you put Talcum Powder in my underwear?' She replied with a snicker. 'It's not talcum powder; it's 'Miracle Grow'!

You will never guess what this Ad is about!! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zLLoiiFZFDo&feature=player_detailpage

This man had what he thought was the best tattoo in the world... ...until he went to prison.

ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659 --- CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again… The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested. The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself. The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, 'Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, 'William's Big Stick Did the Trick,' and I could hardly contain myself. But, Your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident!' ... I just lost it. ''CASE DISMISSED!!' said the judge.

Are you saying you need only trot to the museum next door to solve the challenge?

A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant operated by a fellow cannibal. Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu.... +Tourist: $5.00 +Broiled Missionary: $10.00 +Fried Explorer: $15.00 +Baked Democrat or Grilled Republican: $100.00 The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, "Why such a high price for the Politicians?" The cook replied, "Have you ever tried to clean one? They're so full of sh*t, it takes all morning."

Great challenge AC. I really like your requiring the answer to several questions in addition to just a name. That said, I have no idea who he is. British, huh? A one-handed prize fighter?

A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results; so she decides to conduct a little test. She stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper and, before leaving, says to the clerk, 'I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?' 'About 32,' is the reply. 'Nope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman says happily. A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question. The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29.' The woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm 50.' Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a pharmacy on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question. The clerk responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30.' Again she proudly responds, 'I'm 50, but thank you!' While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question. He replies, 'Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are.' They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her. She finally blurts out, 'What the hell, go ahead.' He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other. After a couple of minutes of this, she says, 'Okay, okay....How old am I?' He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, 'Madam, you are 50.' Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 'That was incredible, how could you tell?' The old man says, 'Promise you won't get mad?' 'I promise I won't,' she says. 'I was behind you at McDonalds.'

I guy sitting on the couch holding a Teddy bear is weird. The other way around is more weird.

Wow! That was fast! Good work AC.

This man had what he thought was the best tattoo in the world... ...until he went to prison.

More like last night's Mexican. There were no witnesses.

This topic may be dead. Perhaps it should be. But a thought occurred to me. There are two reasons why an older person should not break wind in the presence of others: 1. It is rude. 2. The outcome is uncertain.

Happy New Year All!

He's My Brother Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter. The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?" "Eight," the boy replied. The man continued, "do you know what these are used for?" The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do either."

Amazing home remedies 1. Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold the vegetables while you chop. 2. AVOID arguments with the females about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink. 3. For high blood pressure sufferers ~ simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure on your veins. Remember to use a timer. 4. A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button. 5. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. Then you'll be afraid to cough. 6. You only need two tools in life - WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape. 7. If you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical problem.

Bowing to Pressure, A&E Revokes Suspension of ‘Duck Dynasty’ Star Phil Robertson, center, with sons Jase, left, and Willie. The family essentially threatened to quit the lucrative reality show. The indefinite suspension of Phil Robertson, the patriarch of the family at the center of the A&E Network’s huge ratings hit “Duck Dynasty,” became definite Friday — at zero episodes. The network announced he would not be suspended after all. A&E released a statement, noteworthy both for its concessions to the Robertson family’s refusal to accept the suspension as well as its timing — at close of business on Friday of a holiday weekend on the slowest week of the year in the entertainment business. The bottom line: Phil Robertson will resume work on the show when it begins taping new episodes in the spring. New York Times article